Hello, it is I, Fright Dyke, writing on the behalf of the Vampiric Council, the governing body of vampires you might be familiar with due to human popularity of the television program What We Do in the Shadows. It was recently brought to our attention that two writers for the website Autostraddle, whose name is just as confusing as the Superb Owl, committed an egregious act of vampire erasure. We hereby accuse Drew Burnett Gregory and Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya of ignorance and disrespect for failing to include any vampire movies on their list of the supposed 25 Scariest Queer Horror Movie Moments, published in our favorite month of October, 2022.
Everybody knows vampires are the gayest undead creatures. I am not here to prove that point, because it is a fact that is simply known. So me and my colleagues on the Vampiric Council were shocked — nay, disturbed — by our exclusion from this list. This is a failure of representation. This “Drew” and this “Kayla” consider themselves “EXPERTS” ON “QUEER HORROR?” Ha! As if! (That is a quote from my favorite human movie Clueless.)
The Vampiric Council does not stand for vampire erasure, an epidemic that has plagued humanity ever since the gross and incorrect backlash against the popularity of the film franchise Twilight. No one movie or series can represent all vampires, but the Twilight movies are good! Not liking them doesn’t make you special!
As a subgenre of horror, vampire movies are often underrated and overlooked. Our films are considered “sexy” and “erotic” and therefore “not scary.” While the Council agrees that vampires are the hottest monsters, we take offense at the notion that we are not terrifying. We can literally drain you of blood, and we will should you fail to properly respond to this open letter. We appreciate the pedestal the gay community places us on and the ways in which some of you see your own experiences and identities reflected in our stories, but please take us seriously. We deserve not just your respect but your bloodcurdling fear.
It’s hard work being a vampire in this economy. Do you know what the cost of black market blood bags is these days?! Inflation affects us all — the living and the dead. We cannot, on top of these problems, add a crisis of representation and visibility. We’ve lived in the shadows for far too long and fought far too hard to be seen as real members of society. Erasure of our community undoes that important vampirism activism.
We eagerly await your response, which you can tie to the foot of the enclosed magic raven and send to our PO Box. I also was wondering if I could be provided with the email address for the appropriate editor for a pitch I have about the human movie Clueless.
Fright Dyke, special envoy for The Vampiric Council