Welcome to the third episode of American Horror Story, the show for all your minotaur sexin’ needs!
I feel like this show is so next level crazy, there does not exist sufficient vocabulary to describe it. So I’m just going to start making up words. Cool? Cool.
This week’s word is: Ughpsetting. It’s the combination of “ugh” and “upsetting.” Embrace it.
We open in Fiona’s bedroom, where the Supreme is tossing and turning.
Fiona goes downstairs for a drink and some pills when she has a flashback to 1971. We see Young Fiona drinking in the parlor room, where she is busted by then Supreme Anna-Lee. Anna-Lee wonders why Fiona isn’t burning her bra with the rest of the witches, because it’s the 1970’s and that shit is happening everywhere.
We find out that Young Fiona is the rising Supreme, and her powers are already manifesting. To be named the new Supreme, she must perform the seven wonders for the Council. I assume this includes a flute solo, a hula hoop contest, and some freestyle breakdancing.
They also talk about how witches manifest their powers when they “flower”, which is my least favorite metaphor for women’s developing bodies ever. Basically, the rising Supreme sucks the life force out of the older Supreme, eventually overtaking her powers and the old Supreme dies. Young Fiona is ready to ascend the throne, but Anna-Lee isn’t giving up without a fight. She slaps her across the face and calls her a “vicious little gash,” which might be my new favorite insult.
Anna-Lee has seen the future, and that future holds Fiona being a shitty Supreme. Anna-Lee plans to stay on the throne for as long as possible, but that turns out to be only a few seconds, as Young Fiona pulls out a knife and slits her throat.
The only witness to the crime? Young Creepy Butler!
We flash back to the present, where Fiona looks at the portrait of Anna-Lee hanging on the wall. She is watched by Creepy Butler, silent as always.
Fiona looks at him and says, “cat got your tongue”, so I think it’s safe to assume that something terrible happened to Creepy Butler’s tongue that’s kept him silent all these years.
We follow Fiona to a jazz club, where she talks in voice-over about her glory days. Fiona reminisces about dancing with every kind of man, but she was always the lead. Sounds like someone is a top.
She laments that it used to be all fun and games and casual banging, but in her later years it’s just Donna Summer’s “Last Dance” on repeat. Fiona is ignored at the bar, which is crazypants because she’s Jessica Lange.
She goes to see a plastic surgeon, who shows her a video of a face-lift. Fiona wants to know exactly what she’s in for, and by the look on her face it’s obviously not pretty.
Zoe goes to visit FrankenKyle’s mother, who is mourning the loss of her son by smoking his last stash.
Mrs. FrankenKyle tells Zoe that Kyle became the man of the house after his father left, and took care of the family. Zoe nods like she knew the guy for more than five minutes. Turns out Mrs. FrankenKyle just wanted to say goodbye to her boy. I think we know where this is going…
Meanwhile at Witch Academy Prep School for the Performing Arts, Queenie, Nan and Madison watch the new neighbors move in next door. They are mainly watching the hunky young shirtless guy unloading boxes.
Shirtless’s mom shows up, and it’s Broadway diva Patti LuPone! She tell Shirtless to put a shirt on for modesty/Jesus/etc, so we know she’ll get along great with the witches next door.
Inside, Delphine LaLaurie is watching Obama on TV and weeping hysterically, what with the black president of it all. This is pretty hilarious, actually.
Fiona is in no mood for 200 year old racist panic (or for explaining what a television is) and tells Delphine that the world has changed.
Delphine then hisses “Liiiieeeessss” like she’s speaking Parsel-tongue. Have I mentioned how hard K. Bates is killing it on this show? So fucking hard.
Fiona then tosses her a maid’s uniform and tells her she’ll be working as a servant. Delphine freaks the fuck out about it, but agrees when she realizes it’s this or it’s back in the coffin.
It’s lunchtime, and the girls are gossiping about the hot new neighbor. Nan brags about hooking up all the time, while Queenie is saving herself for someone special.
Delphine, decked out in her maid’s uniform, wheels out lunch. Surely no one will recognize her in this cunning disguise.
JK, Queenie immediately calls her out as the bitch who clubbed her with a candelabra.
Queenie threatens to Frisbee her plate right into Delphine’s face, a scene I would love to watch. Delphine refuses to serve Queenie because racism, and just when Queenie is about to slap the shit out of her, Fiona arrives.
As punishment for being basically the worst person who ever lived, Fiona makes Delphine Queenie’s personal slave. This will be fun to watch.
Meanwhile, in the swamp shack, FrankenKyle and Misty are cuddling and listening to Fleetwood Mac.
Misty feels lonely, and tells FrankenKyle that you can’t be your best self until you find your tribe. Sounds like someone’s been watching Orange is the New Black. Zoe arrives, and Misty is super excited to show off Kyle’s newly healed body.
FrankenKyle’s body may be healed, but he is still mute and paws at Zoe like a sad shelter dog. Zoe, who is full of good ideas today, wants to take him back to his mother in the hopes of rebooting his brain.
Misty gets super possessive and doesn’t want either of them to leave. Zoe literally drags FrankenKyle’s body out of the shack and promises Misty she’ll come back.
Jesus Zoe, at least take her with you. If only to help drag around FrankenKyle, or tape him to a dolly or something. They leave Misty to cry and spin around.
Nan and Madison welcome Shirtless to the neighborhood. Nan brought a cake, and Madison brought a skin-tight dress.
Turns out Shirtless’s name is Luke, and he is dumber than a bag of hair.
Nan has used her psychic powers to figure out Luke’s favorite cake. Madison takes the classy road, and basically demands that he take his pants off.
They are interrupted by Joan aka Patti LuPone, who smells witchy seduction a mile away. She is not amused by Madison’s attempts to deflower her son. She’s also not amused by Madison calling her religion bullshit.
She tries to pry the cake knife out of Madison’s hands, but Madison uses her witchy powers to zing that knife into the wall!
Joan bans the witches from her house, which sucks for poor Nan who just brought a cake and didn’t blaspheme or anything. As they walk out, Madison sets the curtains on fire with her mind. Someone is developing some serious mojo.
Cordelia sits in a doctor’s office. Her spell didn’t take, and she can’t conceive a child.
In another doctor’s office, Fiona finds out that she can’t get a face lift. She’s dying.
Zoe drives a still dazed FrankenKyle to his house. Will seeing Mrs. FrankenKyle bring him back to life? Maybe. Will it scare the shit out of his mother? Most definitely.
Zoe drags FrankenKyle up the steps and dumps him on the front door like a flaming bag of dog shit. She then rings the doorbell and runs away.
It’s like Ding Dong Ditch, only with the desecrated corpse of your loved one! Zoe hides behind a tree and watches like a creepster.