20 Album Reviews. 300 Words. Includes Girl Talk, Cee-Lo, T-Swift, Nicki Minaj etc.

There have been SO MANY new albums released this month. I ran out of time for multiple listens and proper sentences, so instead here are my very first impressions communicated in a series of highly unauthentic haiku poems. Just go with it.

Kanye West

Kanye West

My Beautiful
Dark Twisted Fantasy

perfect production
ambition, hero and villain
never heard before

pitchfork scored it 10.0!
but don’t let that deter you
experience this

. . .

Warpaint

warpaint-the-foolThe Fool

oh marijuana
you bring us so many good things
psychedelia

4 west coast women
brooding trance tracks real dark bleak
Shannyn Sossamon

. . .

Girl Talk

All Day

hundreds of pop songs
infectious tracks all mashed up
mix-tape mastery

black sabbath, war pigs
miley to run d.m.c
download this for free

. . .

James Blunt

Some Kind Of Trouble

we all have feelings
some people more than others
pretend violin

exes, forgive him
so he can stop writing all
those goddamn cliches

. . .

Nicki MinajNicki Minaj

Pink Friday

“this album is crack
you ain’t gotta skip a track”
maybe one or two

surprise, mainstream gleam
where is the rapper who stole
kanye’s ‘monster’ show

. . .

Cee-Lo Green

The Lady Killer

cee-lo-green-lady-killer-official-album-coverextraordinary
pitch-perfect voice, unrivaled
unrestrained power

true visionary
sings the past and the future
no filler in sight

. . .

Good Charlotte

Cardiology

cardiology
it’s not as awesome as
Sam-Ro’s tweet implied

return to roots fail
maturity is a state
not an interlude

. . .

Taylor-Swift-Speak-Now-Album-CoverTaylor Swift

Speak Now

exceptional craft
unexceptional feelings
same pain, less rainfall

don’t fuck with T-Swift
or else your ass will be grass
in the third chorus

. . .

Rihanna

Loud

comparatively
not on par with ‘rated R’
or good girls gone bad

rihana-loud-album-covermoments of brilliance
too few and too far between
omg avril

. . .

Nelly Furtado

The Best Of Nelly Furtado

all of nelly’s hits
in a jewel case, single disc
convenience +

Heard these albums? Express your feelings in 17 syllables or more below.


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Crystal has written 320 articles for us.

34 Comments

  1. Nicki Minaj’s album definitely falls under the crack category. I keep listening to it over and over again and get excited every time.

  2. on girl talk, ’03:
    “why are these laptop songs art?”
    i know nothing, obvs.

  3. Morgan

    this was all entirely awesome and hilarious

  4. “pitchfork scored it 10.0!
    but don’t let that deter you”

    brilliant.

  5. Paper

    Speak now.

    Laughed.
    Cried.
    Fell asleep.
    Deleted from my iPod.

  6. all album reviews from here on out should be done in haiku form. brilliant. and i agree with nearly all of them.

    • olivia

      amen to that, friend
      they’re funnier and quicker,
      there’s no need to skim

  7. omnipresentdmat

    The lack of nature reference and other stylistic elements in mine makes me feel like a bad Japanese major, but I’m also a fucking BUSY one, so here:

    Praise Kanyesus or
    your life is without meaning.
    This is truest facts.
    ____

    Nicki Minaj is
    to put it very simply:
    HOTTEST SHIT EVER

    • Jen

      Nicki Minaj is just….not all that. Her lyrics make no sense at all. She basically just gets credit for going on famous rappers songs and being the most active female rapper. In a nutshell..she sucks. Imo.

      Agree with the rest of the reviews and awesome haikus.

      • omnipresentdmat

        Musical taste is subjective, and I don’t think the fact that you don’t like her really devalues my enjoyment of the album. And I have enjoyed the album immensely, so. I could quote Stephen Fry about the absolute value of Mozart vs Miley Cyrus and musical talent, but I don’t really think I need to justify my enjoyment of Nicki Minaj. I adore her and I think my opinion is perfectly valid.

        And that doesn’t change the fact that she’s super hot, so I’m not sure why you even saw the need to comment just to say that you thought a rapper I like sucks.

        • Jen

          I wasn’t intending to reply just to your opinion alone. So I was just expressing my point of view, which I’m entitled to. I felt it necessary because nobody had expressed my opinion already, and since it’s just as valid as yours, I decided to.

          Expressing an alternate opinion is not inherently trying to devalue someone elses.

  8. Slevs

    I dare you to turn
    on Pink Friday and not smile.
    Go on. I’ll wait here.

  9. Roxy2

    This makes the fact that
    I am now out of string cheese
    A bearable truth

    • this could have been worse
      these could have been acrostic
      i mean, amirite

      • Have to agree with you
        Acrostic is far worse
        I would have definitely
        Kicked someone if
        Under this lovely article
        Straddlers had been
        Undertaking such basic,
        Crude, and soul-
        Killing poetry, rather than the
        Sublime artistry I know and love

  10. countrysongs

    i wish all reviews were like this
    sometimes i spend hours looking through music reviews, just because i’m curious (read: don’t want to do my homework)

    this is much better, also conducive to my short attention span

  11. e

    “exes, forgive him
    so he can stop writing all
    those goddamn cliches”

    i snorted.

    • Bec

      Me too. I got some bourbon on the computer but it was worth it. Loved this post.

  12. Sarah G

    essential companion to girl talk album which itemizes every sample on the album: mashupbreakdown.com

  13. I adore this review. What are the rules for haiku again? it’s been a long time since grade 3.

    • Dina

      5 syllables
      7 syllables
      5 syllables

      (technically they’re supposed to be about nature and some other stuff but don’t worry about that for the sake of teh funney!)

  14. i fucking love haiku and this post and unfortunately my brain no longer functions correctly or else i would write one.

  15. Great reviews, if only everybody did them like this.

    Sidenote: I believe the Girl Talk album is called All Day

    • crystal

      oh oops, you are right
      that haiku was sponsored by
      vodka and tonic

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