Guess what time it is! Autumn, sort of. September is the month of seasonal trickery. Make no mistake, it’s gonna be hot and cruel for a few more weeks. But the desire for Fall weather is so strong in your pure, gentle heart that you’ll sport a turtleneck or two, no sweat! (jk you’re visibly drenched) This is an exciting time for people from all zodiac backgrounds to make confusing fashion choices like mixing shorts with scarves or wearing beanies with tank tops (especially you, everyone). But, like the Halloween candy that is already proudly on the shelves in CVS, I’m here to motivate you to get into the ~Fall Spirit~ wildly before it’s necessary with some Pumpkin Spice Horoscopes. Which, just a reminder from last time: are totally made up and for entertainment only! Also, another reminder: I did my best to create a balanced presentation for different genders, but if you’re personally sad with the representation of your gender identity, I encourage you to choose one item from any of the collages and pair it with the fashion that’s already in your closet.
I’ve lived in Texas all of my life so, seasonally speaking, I have zero expertise in Autumn-related happenings. In Texas, the seasons are Summer and You Thought That Breeze Was Another Season, Gotcha and then back to Summer. So I feel like it would be ethical to mention that the Google search for “Autumn? Pumpkin Spice? Ghost? help?” should probably be the credited author of this post instead of me. Spooktacular, here we go!
Virgo is the feeling of bringing sweaters down from the attic and color-coordinating your closet by shades of plaid. Here’s the good news: your birthday this year is especially lucky! Here’s the bad news: your year of extra luck just ended! Jupiter just left Virgo after a year of partying through it, so this is a good time to meditate on what opportunities were brought to you this past year and what you want to do with the insight you’ve gained moving forward. As a Virgo, it’s a perfectly acceptable desire to store any lessons you’ve learned neatly into the delicately-organized filing cabinet of your heart until you want to come back to them later. I probably don’t have to tell you twice to journal, but are you writing your feelings down? I know you’ll use any excuse to buy a new Moleskin!
You’re the pumpkin spice latte of the zodiac. Hear me out: it’s not that you’re basic. It’s more that you’re either openly loved by most people or openly eye-rolled at by some people but also secretly loved by them. The math here is that you’re the sign that’s generally most loved by the most people. My favorite thing is witnessing the really unique ways that Libra’s manage to be charming. I’m gonna be honest, it’s mainly dad jokes. Or a really sarcastic but honest sense of humor. Or the ability to ask questions that make people feel seen. Also, Jupiter just entered Libra where it will be for this whole year. Here’s what that means: a year of good luck, fun, parties, laughter, spending too much money on accident (but do you see those kitten shoes?), travel, learning and growing. You just have to sit back and collect all the good things as they fall into your lap.
You’re a raven that leads strangers to an abandoned pumpkin patch. So maybe that’s not an adorable Fall thing, but you’re not some boring old sweater. You’re all of the stuff that makes this season both spooky and sexy. Ghosts, haunted houses, fake vampire fangs — it’s all just around the corner! Honestly, what a time to be alive for you. I fully encourage you to make use of the general acceptance of spookiness during this time to get back into the dating scene. And to the Scorpio’s who tell me that their Tinder profile is a garbage fire: I don’t wanna hear it! You have the astrological gift of seduction. The stars gave you sex appeal as a skill, specifically! This month, here are witch’s orders: light a green candle and a red candle for success and sex and meditate on how hot you are. Then go get ’em, goblin!
You’re the secrets and the laughter shared around the campfire. It would be nice to plan that exact sort of camping trip for yourself this month, especially after #SelfSabotageSummer. How’d that go for you? I, for one, am surprised that I made it out alive. I hope you’ve considered transitioning into #SelfCareSeptember, or maybe you’re saying #SorryNotSorry after all the tough relationship decisions you had to make last month. Here’s a real astrology fact: Saturn is transiting through Sagittarius right now, so at some point, when it aligns with your sun, you’ll feel a bunch of pressure to get serious about having something to show for your work and yourself. Consider telling your inner voice to take a gentler, more caring tone instead of screaming internally all the time. This is a nice first step.
You’re the first morning of Autumn where the air feels crisp, sharp and cool at the same time. This weather is especially invigorating for you. That cool breeze will give you the focus to work on all of your projects for hours without needing even a sip of coffee. In fact, I have the same question for most Capricorns that I do for Beyoncé: how do y’all have the same amount of hours in a day as the rest of us, considering everything you accomplish? You might be rolling your eyes, like “but I sleep in every day!” But you should just accept the fact that in the world’s eyes, you’re a totally put-together, motivated, impressive badass. Also, according to a survey that a Capricorn texted me recently, it seems you’re statically most likely to be in non-monogamous relationships (full disclosure: this surprised me). So, have you read Carolyn’s new interview series yet? Because polyamory could be in your future.
You’re how the trees look like a sunset-colored blur when you drive past them in the Fall. You’re also the outerwear champion of Autumn. You’ve got the best denim patches, the best oversized cable knit sweaters, and the best bomber jackets. You’re also the winner of thrift store fashion, so now would be a good time to use the 50% off Value Village coupon in your wallet. According to what Tumblr thinks about Aquarius, I should probably tell you some blah blah about how you need to open up and reveal your true feelings more often. But really, I just hope that you find a dusty old paint by numbers in the Value Village and dedicate your self care to painting graceful ducks during sunset. Because if you can’t talk about your feelings just yet, you’re better off just arts-and-craftsing your way through it until you’re ready.
You’re the dreamy change of light in the Fall, when the sun sets faster and casts a warm glow on everything. There’s a lunar eclipse and full moon in Pisces going on right now that’s probably affecting you strongly. This whole month might feel tender and raw, like the world has suddenly become some foreign dreamscape. This is a good time to find words for all of those nameless, wordless, feelings you have when you say, “I don’t really feel like a Pisces.” Journaling will also help you find some grounding and clarity. Or you can pick up an old hobby, doing what you do best: getting people to fall in love with you!
You’re the first tree that decides to burst into flames with red leaves. Just like the first tree that changes colors, when something is happening, you’re the first one there. That’s actually the thing about you: you’re there. That is to say: when you’re at a concert, or show up to work early, or trying to live your dream life in New York, or doing any of the million things you do when it feels like you’re not doing enough, just remember: you’re there. There are a million earth signs who thought too much about practicality and money and security, and let the fear from those collected subjects stop them from being where you are. While I mean no shade to earth signs, who definitely have some skills outside of your arena, I just want to uplift and validate your ability to rush into situations with courage, and be there. It’s the first step. You might want to consider dating an earth sign to help you clean up the details afterward.
You’re a shot of whisky or hard apple cider with whipped cream. You’re also a nice, sober hay ride. You’re all of the comforting things about Fall, without all of the seasonal depression. But hey, if you have some of that too, just bookmark this therapeutic lamp for later. It’s no secret that you’re one of the hardest working signs of the zodiac, and you might feel some burnout from your grind this month. Luckily, you’re also super chill — but make sure you’re being chill with yourself and not just around other people. As in, buy some string cheese and boxed wine and stay at home and chill out more often. There will always be deadlines to meet, and you’ll meet them. But it’ll be easier to do your work if you find some inner chill with yourself.
You’re jumping in a pile of leaves just to hear the crunch. If there’s anything you know how to do, it’s how to have fun. But I’m gonna be honest, besides that, I’m not so sure. It’s hard to write horoscopes for Gemini’s because you’re all so — different? Except for the fact that you’re all hilarious and very talented writers and also successful, you seem to be doing those things pretty well. Listen, I know you don’t want me to bring up the whole dual personality thing, so I’m not gonna say it. But I will say that you should definitely look at the pie chart that Brittani Nichols subtweeted about you. And, after thinking about what all the Gemini’s I know have in common, I just realized I’m super jealous of all of you, so my advice for this month is: keep doing what you’re doing. We get it, you’re cool.
You’re the feeling of snuggling under the blankets when it’s just cold enough to feel comfy but not too cold to turn on the heater. Have you found someone else to snuggle with recently? Autumn is the best time for that, and you’re the best at giving and receiving affection. This Lunar eclipse and full moon in Pisces might also feel tumultuous for you as a water sign, and I want to give you permission to cry on whoever you want to cry on this week. Cry on someone’s shoulder in a bar. Cry in the bathroom stall at work. Cry in all of the stereotypical ways, like into a pint of ice cream while watching the “Dana episode” of The L Word on repeat. I can assure you, this feeling of tenderness will go away very very soon. But this week, give yourself permission to learn something from all of your feels.
You’re the captain of the football team, the best-dressed trick-or-treater, the bonfire itself — or all the ways to feel special and radiate warmth in the Fall. You have the ability to find a unique way to contribute your brilliance to a situation that makes everyone stop and acknowledge how much of a gift your presence is to the space. It might be good to remind yourself how special you are this month by getting involved in an Autumn-related group activity. How does a Queer Book Club sound? What about Queer Knitting? The point is that you need to be in conversation with other people to feel your best, even if it’s sometimes exhausting. If nothing else, you’ll show up looking good.