34 Awesome, Non-Existent and Otherwise Special Jobs You Wish You Had

I learned a lot about you weirdos reading the results of our first-ever Autostraddle Grown-Ups Survey, which we unleashed upon the world last month in order to ensure our fingers were firmly on the pulses of our readers over the age of 29. One of the things we asked about was your job — what you did for a living, and also what you wish you were doing for a living, if not your present job.

Here’s what a word cloud of answers to “if not your present job, what job do you aspire towards?” looks like:

Screenshot 2015-03-19 12.31.45

The fact that so many of you want to be librarians is the most heart-warming thing to hit my heart since we won a GLAAD Award.

And, below, some of the most kickass / interesting / unique jobs y’all named… as well as some VERY VERY SPECIAL occupations we fear may not exist.

1. queen of the world

2. Owning my own feral cat sanctuary

3. lesbian Boyz II Men a-capella cover group

4. supreme ruler of trivia nights

5. teaching poetry to kids

6. Independently Wealthy 19th century Victorian Lady-Scientist

7. Something with diplomatic immunity

8. Professional bench jeweler / metalsmith

9. Sex Ed teacher or Rock Star

10. Evil Overlord

11. One in which I use Word more than Excel

12. CBC Radio Host

13. World Changer For The Better

14. writer illustrator separatist farm queer southern rural community organizer

15. Secretary of State

16. Swashbuckler

17. Head of a venture capital firm that invests millions in Autostraddle

18. Dog therapist!

19. Luthier

20. Outreach coordinator at a California mid-size city’s public library

21. Writer, Best-selling

22. Plant Ecologist for the National Park Service

23. Homesteader/woodworker/maplesugarbusher

24. Opera singer 100%, yo

25. Rabbi/Camp Director/Mother/Ohmy

26. Girls Rock Camp Programming Coordinator

27. Dominatrix

28. I aspire to be a homicide detective.

29. Lunch lady

30. Clean energy technology innovator

31. Cherie Jaffe

32. Meditation and Dreams Coach

33. Working for a large international company where i can rock a power suit and order people around all over the world, obviously.

34. I want to sit at home and write about girl bands in space

35. World, Ruler of

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2741 articles for us.

57 Comments

    • I feel for this person so much. My idea of hell would be a job where excel is used much more than word.

      In fact, a nightmare that I have when I am awake involves me trying to run to the end/ the edge/ the frontier of the spreadsheet, but it just keeps on throwing up more convenient, efficient squares to organize my life. I can never escape. There is no escape. It is just an endless loop of repeating animated cartoon background scenery, but a different day.

      I feel an intervention to send Excel into a Black Hole is required. Who is with me on Operation Excel Rapture?

  1. I’m not sure if the plant ecologist one is biting social commentary re: the job market in ecology that I’m missing (if so, yeahhhh) or if I’m too much of a nerd to think that is at all weird. I’m going to go forth as if my job is somehow magical from now on though.

    But I’m pulling for independently wealthy Victorian lady scientist.

      • Omg “island caretaker” would be my dream job too. The more tropical the better. Although I want “caretaking” to mean exploring the island and studying all the cool plants/animals/rocks, not necessarily doing PR for tourism on the island.

        Also science at a national park = my slightly more realistic dream job. Specifically, I would love to be a park ranger at the Smoky Mountains National Park.

        • “Although I want “caretaking” to mean exploring the island and studying all the cool plants/animals/rocks, not necessarily doing PR for tourism on the island.” -Yes, that is what I would want too.

          Anything with science + nature = awesome. I really want to be a national parks chemist of sorts, though I’m not what that would involve. For now, I’ll settle for being a Pasta Chemist (aka QA lab tech at a pasta plant, aka “master of noodles” as my younger brother calls it) and exploring the outdoors during my off days.

          • “Master of noodles” sounds awesome! I think life can be pretty great even if you don’t have your “dream job” because the things we choose to do on the weekends or when we’re not at work are just as important. E.g., exploring the outdoors! I left work an hour and a half early today just so I could spend time outside because it was so beautiful and sunny.

          • Yeah, part of my job involves taste-testing pasta, so I really can’t complain.

            …Ok, so that’s a small part. But still, it’s fun to brag about. 😀

  2. My great-grandmother was a lunch lady. By the time I was in school, she was just subbing at different schools– sometimes mine. She was a very, very scary lady (known around town as “The Mayor of Lipscomb Street” because of sheer force of personality).

    One day, my entire class was being punished for something, and no one was allowed to get chocolate milk with lunch. I never did, but she insisted on giving me a carton. The teacher was afraid to argue, and she ended up letting everyone ELSE who wanted it go back and get chocolate.

    So if I can be a lunch lady and terrify people that badly, I’d be cool with that.

  3. No. 31 Cherie Jaffe. The-Cherie-Jaffe-with-Everything except her husband? I am very curious about the main appeal of being Cherie Jaffe. This. Bring back Cherie Jaffe. Extra credits for involving Shane, swimming pools and night swimming scenes.

  4. I feel very lucky, because I am #4, #5, #9, #10, #13, #15, #32 & #35.

    I am a teacher in an alternative, at-risk students, educational program. I work with one guy who is the opposite of me, and 2 lovely aides (teacher’s assistants).

    I am Supreme Ruler of Trivia (Nights), pulling out random bits of knowledge at any moment, such as ‘Did you know that psychopaths don’t sympathy yawn?’.

    I teach poetry, both the written form and our ongoing communication with one another. I get to see the ‘aha’ moments and the ‘ohhhh…shit’ moments and it’s all got this rhythm to it that’s intoxicating and addictive.

    Just the other day, I held an impromptu Sex Ed class on our morning walk to the basketball court. We talked about protection, consent and masturbation in an extremely honest and frank way. That recess, I overheard the girls talking about consent to their extended group of friends and said a silent prayer of thanks to Autostraddle for helping me have these conversations.

    On our bus run, I am the Rock Star, cranking the radio and singing at the top of my lungs. I will burst into a tune at any moment without a care in the world. The moments when a group of teenagers join you? Magic.

    Then there’s being an Evil Overlord. Today, after a student left his iPad on top of the lockers, I hid it and then watched him look for it for 30 mins during class, before handing it back with a lecture about responsibility and actions.

    I aspire to be a World Changer For The Better, but not directly. I hope that my kids learn something, anything…and that they just want to be better.

    As there’s only 2 teachers in the program, I’m the official Secretary of State, which obviously means that I have more power than my colleague who thinks of himself as President.

    Lastly, I’m a Meditation and Dreams Coach. Working with THE toughest kids, with heart breaking stories has made me more resilient than I ever thought I could be. I’m so incredibly proud of my students, who at 12, 13, 14, have a lifetimes’ worth of experience and disappointment, yet still want to be something.

    This sounds like bragging and I really don’t mean it to be. It’s just that this is the first time I’ve honestly been happy and that’s a pretty unusual feeling for me. Maybe it’s because I’m finally out, or that I’ve finally got a group of friends and family that I adore. Or, maybe, because at least 3 days a week I feel like a grown up that can handle it all for once.

    Perspective is a great thing.

  5. Can I brag about how awesome my job is for a moment?

    I’m the Queer Officer for my student union and I get (admittedly poorly) paid to be an advocate for the queer community, run events and organise peer support.

    I do caring labour plus advocacy plus fine detail nitty gritty policy work, which as a politically minded law student I love.

    Plus this evening I was plotting how to take over our campus in the name of sex positivity.

  6. A ton of those really do exist (now, not all of them make any money to speak of); I actually applied to school to be a luthier, but the admissions guy basically told my dad “we’d love to have her as part of our program… did I mention that we’re currently seeking donations to our endowment fund? We’re particularly looking to add another sponsor at, say, the $10,000 level…”

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