Happy Bisexuality Day 2022, we love you.
Why 15? Because at 15, for the first time, I was on a roll when it came to my bisexuality — in the sense that I was finally out there, expressing my desires in a way where lips connected with lips, where other people accurately termed me as bisexual, where as my sexuality boiled to the top it met with the heaving weight of the atmospheric pressure of my school trying to tamp it back down. My bisexuality was a resistance and a freedom and a liability. It was such a defining part of my life that I still cling to the word, to its shifting meaning, to all it can be and all the defiance it stands for. I love bisexuals and bisexual culture. I love to stand in defiance of being called greedy. As I said in high school, I LOVED to be greedy — because of course I wanted it all, all the love, all the experience, all of it. Who doesn’t? If you don’t, aren’t you denying yourself a little?
So, this one’s for my chaotic bisexuals of any age, even those of us in our 30’s laughing fondly about our youths and/or our early out days because there wasn’t a place to do that at the time (heyyy). Happy Bisexual Visibility Day, my loves!!!
15 of the most chaotically bisexual things I did as a bisexual 15-year-old:
- Argued on AIM with my girlfriend’s boyfriend about who loved her more.
- Also made out with my girlfriend’s boyfriend (at her urging, but also I wanted to).
- Made out with my girlfriend’s other sometimes hookup boy (in front of her, again, at her urging, in the shadows of the auditorium) after she made him and her boyfriend make out. Gotta complete the circle.
- Got caught making out with my girlfriend by our orchestra teacher who said, and I quote, “You two look like you ate a canary!” Which, sir, what the fuck.
- Wore all black and also dyed all my clothes that were not black using dye I got from the grocery store.
- Got caught making out with my girlfriend in the woods by our coach who (in retrospect was clearly gay) turned right around on her heel, walked the other way, and never said a damn thing. (My “girlfriend” was team captain and no, we were not openly together.)
- Studied Latin and laughed my ass off at the clearly gay character in our Ecce Romani books, Uncle Titus. He wore pink shoes and was ultimately stabbed to death in a storyline where we had to learn the Latin for…stabbing?
- Welcomed my friend sitting in my lap during free periods / before / after school who would also let me kiss her neck while insisting she was straight, inviting absolute chaos from passers by.
- Practiced witchcraft regularly.
- Literally wore a super cheesy vampire choker from Hot Topic so often.
- Forged new connections with my newly divorced parents once they finally got space to themselves, but especially got along with my deeply traumatized father and spent many nights eating pizza with him and my sister and various History and Discovery Channel documentaries about cryptids.
- Listened to a lot of Warren Zevon?
- Wrote short stories! I even read short stories, too.
- Hung out on new age forums [the pre-reddit era!]. Shit was really weird there! Not gonna lie!
- “Cheated” on my new secret boyfriend (because we didn’t want to hurt the one other boy ex’s feelings because they were best friends and there was some overlap) with my (ex?) girlfriend I’d never really broken up with (therefore also technically cheating on her?) (but also she had her own boyfriend so why couldn’t I have one?).
Anyway, then she slapped me full-on, in the face, in front of my whole math class.
nico this is such a vivid portrait of a very chaotic time thank you!
The kicker is amazing but I’m feeling particularly seen by Warren Zevon
I may need an explanation for the Warren Zevon one as the only time I hear him is during Halloween with the class Wearwolves in London.
i love this so much Nico! thank you for always sharing your chaotic younger self with us
“Anyway, then she slapped me full-on, in the face, in front of my whole math class.”
What a build-up to this moment !
When I was 11 I made my computer password bisexual… cue to my mom needing it for something, me telling her red faced that my password was bisexual, followed by a long pause… after which she asked me if I was bi, which I vehemtly denied, and she said “Good I don’t think you are either.”
Joke’s on her, I came out by publishing a collection of love poems about another woman. She didn’t doubt me then 🤣
Omg Hannah!!! An epic coming out!
Haha, love it, very relatable.
Wow! Those events are legitimately chaotic! Makes my bisexual high school adventures seem like a serene little bedtime story. I hope it was fun chaotic and not wrenching chaotic…
This is relatable content
Gotta complete the circle!!
Favorite read this week by far! And (un)comfortably relatable :D
Please, Autostraddle, do a “when I was 15 and chaotic” roundtable
I love 15 year old you!
Can I *be* 15 year old Nico?
I love this.
My only truly chaotic relationship / situationship started when I was 15 and I fell for this beautiful girl I met at church camp – and then she dated my brother for two years.
Years later, after we both came out as bi in college, she and I considered getting together, but it was too weird, even for us. Instead we talked about our mutual feelings until said feelings died a sad death. Our friendship / situationship break-up was the ugliest break up I’ve ever experienced, and it was certainly the ugliest I ever acted.
Why is this somehow exactly what happened to me and yet also not at all.
Wow! Love reading about other peoples’ teenie-bopper chaos, since 15 was probably the least chaotic I’ve ever been! That said, it’s all been downhill since there.
Nico, your high school GF was way ahead of her time as a non-monogamous domme. Hot.
WAIT I also feel the need to redeem your orchestra teacher!! Looking like “the cat that got/ate the canary” is an old-people saying for looking surprised and kind of sheepish to have been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to. Sometimes it also means surprised and kind of proud. Think Sylvester the Cat getting caught eating Tweety Bird!
Ya I had to Google this and it talked about looking pleased with oneself. Which still, wtf?