13 New Years Resolutions You’re Welcome To Steal

I almost never have an answer when people ask me what my New Year’s resolution is. It’s not that I’m averse to self-improvement as a concept (I promise, I’m not!), but between actually celebrating the holidays, reading a zillion books to hit my reading goal for the year, and finally getting the eight hours of sleep that I need, I run out of time to reflect and choose something that I want to change about myself. Also, if we’re being honest, I’m not entirely sold on the whole a) pick something you want to change b) share it WITH OTHERS and c) start changing that thing on the same day as everyone else. I don’t know when we normalized asking people what their worst habits are, but at some point, we did and now we do it every year! I hate it!

Anyway, even though I hate it, we live in a society and people are inevitably going to ask me what my resolution is. This year, I decided I would come prepared. I’d have a bunch of resolutions handy (in my Notes app, like a good old-fashioned celebrity apology) so that when the clock strikes midnight, I could just pick a few. Feel free to steal one of mine, because let’s be real — this list is too long.


1. Floss more. It’s the quintessential New Year’s Resolution for a reason. My dentist would probably love if I did this, and yours would too. If you already floss daily, congratulations. You’ve set an impossible standard.

2. Build a stretching practice. Looking down at my laptop to type has left me with horrendous posture, and I’m convinced that stretching will cure me. Plus, wouldn’t it be cool to be able to do a split?

3. Read more nonfiction. Not everything I read in 2024 needs to be fiction. Will it be? Probably (unless the news counts) but it’s nice to dream.

4. Alternate water and alcohol when drinking. I’m too old to get hangovers, especially ones that could be easily prevented by drinking more water.

5. Do my own nails. Gel manicures are expensive and take forever — plus the repeated UV exposure cannot be good for me. It’s time I go back to doing my own nails. They won’t be as cute, but they will be cheap.

6. Lift more, and heavier. I’ve been having this recurring dream where I do a bunch of pull-ups all at once, and I’m always so sad when I wake up and find out it was just a dream! In 2024, we are doing a pull-up. Maybe even TWO pull-ups.

7. Buy a new bra. My pandemic bralettes are not hoisting the way they used to, and it’s time for them to enter retirement. Even if they are extremely comfortable.

8. Wake up earlier. I can’t do this, but maybe you can. Best of luck.

9. Sleep with mouth tape. I’m a little scared of this one. TikTok claims that if I loosely tape my lips together before I go to sleep, I will have better sleep and a more defined jawline (two things I want). It seems improbable that mere scotch tape can replace melatonin and filler, but I honestly have nothing to lose. Except a little air, I guess.

10. Meditate. Wouldn’t it be so sexy to achieve inner peace?

11. Listen to more music. Spotify Wrapped will come for all of us, and I want to get my headstart now. Last year, I (embarrassingly) did not listen to enough minutes of music for them to assign me a city based on my listening habits. We’re not doing that this year.

12. Make my bed. Just so I can unmake it again later that same day.

13. Talk to my neighbors. I know it’s New York and we don’t talk to our neighbors, but they’re the only ones I can commiserate with about our terrible landlord. Plus, they have a cute dog.

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ashni

Ashni is a writer, comedian, and farmer's market enthusiast. When they're not writing, they can be found soaking up the sun, trying to make a container garden happen, or reading queer YA.

ashni has written 49 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. Great list. My GF will lord #1 over me at least until spring. What’s the hetero male equivalent of getting a new bra? I’ll suggest actually writing down when you change your oil and filter so you know when it’s due again.

  2. What a hilarious take on New Year’s resolutions! I can totally relate to the struggle of picking one and the pressure to share it with others. Flossing more and attempting pull-ups sound like ambitious goals, but the real winner here is the resolution to alternate water and alcohol—because who has time for hangovers in 2024? Also, considering the potential benefits of sleep tape, I might just tape my resolutions to my forehead. Great read, Ashni!

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