100 Jean Styles, Ranked By Lesbianism

As the years have steadily progressed into additional years and the earth has continued its tender trip around the sun, fashion retailers have gone absolutely bananas with naming the styles/cuts of blue jeans, the world’s most popular style of pants.

Recently, a former Autostraddle writer posted an instagram photo of what appears to be a shopping trip to The Gap, in which one photo depicts the “Sexy Boyfriend” jean and the next photo, the “Real Straight” jean. They captioned the photograph “ah yes, the two genders.” I mention this because it is a perfect encapsulation of the current situation in lower-body womenswear that I am attempting to spotlight today.

In order to test the relative lesbianism of about 100 jean styles, I copied down the names of 100 styles of jeans. Then I presented the name of each jean style to my team in our group Slack chat, soliciting their input/feedback. Alaina, Stef, Cameron, Molly, Jenna, Valerie and Rachel were happy to participate in this exercise.

However, before presenting the name, I made two small edits:

  1. I removed the word “jean” from the item’s description
  2. I changed “boyfriend” to “boifriend”

Nobody saw what the actual jeans looked like, only the names of the jeans. (Unless they did their own research) (STEF). Jeans were judged entirely and solely by their names. This is how that went.

Ranked By Lesbianism: Jeans Edition

100. Women’s Wit & Wisdom Ab-Solution Ankle Skimmers

Riese: the first half is all drum circle and the second half is all soulcycle
Valerie: ab-solution hurts my feelings
Stef: yeah this is a yoga pose that hurts

99. Wedgie Fit In Kiss Off

Stef: come on
Valerie: nooooo
Molly: is that a fight
Cameron: helga pataki

98. Blend She Casual Dawn Straight

Stef: dawn from the babysitters club
Alaina: most dawns are pretty casual
Stef: smells like fresh laundry
Riese: it’s almost a sentence
like “Blend, she casual. Dawn? Straight.”

97. Swede Boifriend in Immerse

Stef: i’m taking “In immerse” to mean she’s just really overwhelmed
not quite in distress
Cameron: i didn’t know IKEA started making boyfriends
Stef: she just like, walked into an ikea and can’t believe how many different kinds of chairs they have
Cameron: that’s a very straightforward name for them
Valerie: i’d accept “in immerse” as a replacement for overwhelmed. “sorry i didn’t respond to your text yesterday, i was in immerse”
Riese: IKEA makes new boyfriends for all the girls who break up while they are in IKEA
Rachel: honestly that’s a way better idea than their furniture
Riese: Couldn’t decide on an ottoman? Go back to men.

96. Level 99 Sienna Boyfriend

Molly: omg i only have the level 98
Valerie: how do you get to level 100?!
Riese: level 99 is for when you can’t quite keep it 100
Cameron: I got stuck at level 87
Stef: i was thinking of like, a stage 5 clinger. a level 99 just will never leave you alone
your only chance is to take her to ikea

95. Beau Slouchy Skinny

Stef: you can never truly possess beau
even if you are a level 99

94. Uptown Kinda Gal Skinny

Stef: dakota fanning is that you
Valerie: caters to a million jerks
Stef: does the kinda refer to the uptown or the gal or the skinny
Valerie: or uptown. she lives in hell’s kitchen. only uptown kinda.

93. William Rast-Best Friend (Color: Paula)

Stef: what color is Paula?!
Riese: Paula color
Stef: a deep maroon i think
i just think of paula abdul, with pinot in her giant coke cup giving loving, slurred advice to everyone on american idol
Riese: ugh my hero

92. #Hello Billie Boyfriend Crop in Laney

Valerie: is that hashtag part of it??
Riese: you bet
Valerie: i was afraid that was the answer

91. Stevie X-Rocker With Nicking

Stef: yeah we get it, you like fleetwood mac
Valerie: her name is actually brenda but she insists on being called stevie

90. Women’s Debbie High Rise Straight Crop

Valerie: i keep thinking ‘riding crop’ and i’m not sorry
Stef: yeah me too
debbie is actually an equestrian
Cameron: still has breyer horses on her shelf
Stef: don’t judge me

89. Distressed Suspender

Cameron: my guidance counselor

88. Liquor & Poker Slim Mom With Sequin Trim

Cameron: she has fun
Stef: a cool mom
Alaina: kris jenner

87. Big Star Billie Boyfriend in Ventana with Rips and Destructions

Cameron: I too come in rips and destructions
Valerie: okay rips and destructions is definitely country singer big star billie’s album

86. Josefina Feminine Boyfriend with Distress

Stef: i need a minute to take this in.
Rachel: i feel like i met josefina at a party and really wanted her to be gay but that was not the case
Molly: josefina’s feminine boyfriend who comes with their own distress sounds kinda gay
but isn’t.
Stef: what is distressing him so?
Molly: his girlfriend is gay
Stef: he could borrow her pants
Valerie: is josefina the feminine boyfriend or does she have a feminine boyfriend?
Cameron: both i think
Stef: i think she has a feminine boyfriend
and he’s upset
Riese: i think josefina is the feminine boyfriend
Valerie: distressed even
Cameron: they’re both distressed
Stef: listen life is hard.

85. High-Rise Straight + Narrow – Spliced

Jenna: woah
Valerie: JEANS MATH?!
Stef: forbidden love
Cameron: i think this is what happens when two people who look the same date each other

84. Josefina Boyfriend in Brilliant Blue Broken Twill

Molly: damn josefina
Stef: brilliant broken blue twill is a poem i wrote when i was 14
Riese: it’s possibly also an ani b-side
Cameron: oh i was thinking lana del ray

83. Only Ella Straightcut

Stef: she holds herself to a high standard
Valerie: Ella tried to get a straight haircut but you can’t hide the gay, girl
Stef: ella is figuring herself out
Molly: she believes she’s a kinsey 1 but. she’s. not.
Stef: dawn is helping her on this journey
Valerie: casually
Stef: with her cat on a leash
Jenna: i wanna say she says “Only Ella!” in the same way of “Just Jack!” from Will & Grace
Riese: yeah it has a sitcommy feel
“That’s Ella!!!”

82. R13 Leather Chap

Stef: (raises eyebrow)
Jenna: british
Alaina: rey from star wars
Cameron: sips a fine merlot at the leather bar. pinky up.

81. Rivet & Thread Retro Straight

Stef: drinks whiskey
Molly: makes joan-jetting a verb
Valerie: Rivet & Thread is another country album
Stef: used to be married to a guy named baird

80. Fidelity Axl Girlfriend

Cameron: is actually an amp
Stef: she honestly keeps trying to tell you to listen to buckethead’s records
Valerie: i thought that was an exclamation point like panic! at the disco. ax! girlfriend

79. Rebel Wilson X Angels Plus Denim Ryot Tomboy Slim Boyfriend

Stef: nope
Jenna: too many words
Stef: “ryot”
Alaina: why
Stef: i’m taking another painkiller

78. Hole Lotta Love Distressed

Molly: no.
Stef: courtney love
Valerie: that’s a drag name
Stef: literally just courtney love

78b. So Ripe

Stef: also literally just courtney love

77. High Waist Slim Mom With Busted Poppers

Stef: MOM
how do you even know what poppers ARE
Valerie: bad boob job?
Molly: busted poppers is rude
Stef: i don’t like you hanging out with those girls in your book club
they’re getting you into trouble

76. Genetic Los Angeles Women’s Runaway High Rise Skinny Crop in Brentwood

Molly: wearing these sounds like going to a spinning class and just wracking your crotch
Stef: i’m terrified.
i would never fit into these no matter what size
i am picturing myself crying in a fitting room just thinking about them

75. Cult of Individuality Distressed Skinny Shorts

Stef: LOL
tag yourself i’m the cult of individuality distressed
Riese: i’m the skinny :-(
Alaina: i’m distressed
Valerie: i’m just cult

74. Ring Under Control Raw

Stef: frodo
Molly: needs sex ed
Valerie: that’s NSFW
Cameron: you’re sure these are still jeans
Riese: I am yes
Stef: these are the jeans gandalf wears

73. Siwy Women’s Emmy Lou Lonely Heart High Waist Ankle Flare

Molly: oh emmy lou
Stef: every item of clothing she owns is from the stevie nicks collection
Rachel: you can take emmy lou out of the ankle flares
but can you ever really take the ankle flare out of emmy lou?

72. Miss Selfridge Distressed Mom

Jenna: angsty music
Molly: valium
Stef: she’s british? or whatever?
Alaina: a full sentence. “Miss Selfridge, distressed mom.”

71. Altered Straight

Stef: :disappointed:
Alaina: me before i came out
Stef: was clearly converted by the gay agenda
Riese: you go in for a gay haircut and leave with the same haircut as always
Valerie: is that all the celebs who don’t like labels
Cameron: sounds like someone’s trying to queer hetero culture without making it gay
Valerie: “i’m not GAY… i’m… altered straight”

70. Altered Skinny Moody

Stef: me on a diet
Molly: smokes too much indica, loses appetite
Cameron: me on week 2 of the whole 30
Valerie: “i’m not fat… i’m… altered skinny!”

69. Flawless Wasteland

Stef: wow
Molly: heeey
Cameron: Utah

68. Lovers & Friends Ricky Skinny

Stef: throws an 80s party at the bar on friday nights
wears sunglasses the whole damn time
Valerie: always calls you her girl but never her girlfriend
Stef: kinda fake tbh
Molly: invites you and all her other side pieces to a party just to watch

67. Patched Girlfriend

Jenna: she’s doing her best, okay?
Riese: me
Molly: everyone i put a band-aid on
Stef: maybe it’s like that movie
you made her out of parts of other girls
she’s like a frankengirlfriend
Molly: omg Stef
Cameron: Stef
Stef: what!!!!
Valerie: oh no
Stef: is this why i’m single

66. You Da Mom High-Waisted

Valerie: MOTHER
Molly: wasted

65. Abundant Edge Cropped Skinny

Stef: she contains multitudes
Jenna: wow abundant edge
Molly: big boobs, short skirt
Jenna: that’s a lot to handle
Stef: takes a while to get to know her but once you do
Cameron: she has a chest piece of her ex’s name it’s fine
Stef: oh no is it in a language she doesn’t speak
i dated her

64. Hey Boi Ripped Girlfriend

Stef: this is precisely how you end up with patched girlfriend
she catcalls you but then you notice she has really nice hands
and that’s the end of that
Cameron: how to introduce your v strong girlfriend to a dude who is hitting on you

63. Tall Toothpick in Glendale Wash

Stef: molly priddy
Molly: goddamn it
i do NOT live in washington

62. A-Frayed But Not Belted

Stef: in immerse, also in distress
Jenna: she’s going through a lot
Stef: i will never forgive her for a-frayed
Jenna: and doesn’t know how to verbalize it
Stef: we are in a fight
Molly: the worst thing that has happened to her is having to be on a waitlist for a class

61. Only Extreme Distressed Boyfriend

Rachel: also me
Stef: the only kind of boy i date
Rachel: josefina’s boyfriend also
Jenna: yes, i feel this one

60. Point Sur Shoreditch Straight

Molly: surfer girl
Stef: she sounds confused
Valerie: she’s so drunk she’s slurring
Cameron: mermaid.
Stef: unlike the altered straight, she really likes labels
so she just claims a million things for herself

59. Distressed Fish Net Mom

Stef: i wonder if she’s upset that she caught so many fish or like, working out her angst wearing a hot pair of fishnets
how are these fishnets jeans
Alaina: mimi from rent but a mom
Jenna: i think she just could use a friend right now, is all
Cameron: Alaina’s right
Stef: i googled these, they’re jeans with holes in them with fishnets underneath? but mom jeans?
Valerie: Mom in the streets, Mimi from rent in the sheets

58. Hudson Women’s Jax Boyfriend Skinny With Flap Pocket in Lifeline

Stef: this person has a douchey haircut.
Valerie: okay these are too many words for pants!!
what happened to like… mid-rise?!
Riese: just want you all to simmer on “flap pocket” for a minute
Molly: it’s where she keeps her tobacco when she’s leaving your place at sunrise, laughing at the fake name she gave you
Valerie: i’m stressed
i’m in immerse

57. Distressed Shadow Mid Rise Patch Girlfriend

Stef: me
Riese: tag someone else, Stef is the distressed shadow
Stef: i feel seen
Valerie: okay i feel like the story is developing, we’re getting behind who actually did the girlfriend patching. a distressed shadow.

56. Regular Mom

Cameron: Never met one
Valerie: fictional

55. Mid-Rise Push Up

Molly: great arms
Valerie: have you moved into bras?
Riese: nope.
jeans push you up now too
Jenna: edge of tomorrow

54. Noisy May Tall Coated

Valerie: coated in what?!
Cameron: wears a short skirt and a talllllllllll coat
Stef: and won’t shut up about it

53. The Principle Girlfriend

Stef: are you sure it’s not the principal girlfriend
Riese: i am
unfortunately i am
Valerie: is this a poly thing?
principle girlfriend, secondary girlfriend, distressed girlfriend
Riese: mhmmh yes
Stef: in immerse girlfriend
Riese: i think you’re onto something

52. The Ragged Priest Mom

Stef: stop it
Valerie: you’re making these up now
Jenna: i’m sorry
Riese: i’m telling you
it’s a wild world out there in jeansland
Valerie: yikes

51. Parker Smith Women’s Twisted Seam Straight

Molly: no one at smith seems straight

50. Glamorous Relaxed Mom With Distressed Bows

Stef: lol
Molly: glennon doyle
Stef: can you actually show me these jeans
i can’t
Valerie: that feels like an oxymoron
Cameron: she’s had a lot of wine, she’s so relaxed
Jenna: classic wine mom
Riese: Glamorous Relaxed Mom Jeans With Distressed Bows at asos.com
Valerie: being glamorus, relaxed, and distressed…though i know a few moms like that
Stef: these are RIDIC
Jenna: holy fuck
actual bows
Valerie: no.
Jenna: did not expect that
Cameron: now i’m distressed
Valerie: now i’m bow distressed
Stef: i am in immerse
Rachel: these are femme visibility
Alaina: i feel like those are jeans for actual moms
Stef: she is overcompensating
for how fucking gay she is
Valerie: if my mom EVER
Alaina: only a mother gifted those jeans would wear them
Riese: “my daughter made these!!!”
like when claire got high and made her mom the pants with the bells on them
Stef: omg remember when ruth wore the pants claire made when she was really high on six
Riese: on six feet under
Stef: fuck
Riese: YES!
Cameron: i feel like those jeans were created by someone whose mom told her jeans were for boys and she said “HOW ABOUT NOW”

49. Kristen Ripped Skinny

Stef: call me
Molly: this is a white woman peddling weight loss stuff as organic
Stef: i think we all know the answer to this question
Cameron: look we all know

48. Cruiser Straight: Shadow-Pocket Edition

Molly: me in college

47. Glamorous Petite Boyfriend in Bleach Wash

Valerie: that took a turn
Molly: also kristen stewart
her soul is stained but her clothes are pure
Stef: will she do my laundry

46. Cropped Skinny Bowie Blue

Stef: would date
Cameron: it’s just david bowie
that’s it
Jenna: wants you to call her ziggy
Stef: absolutely nothing wrong with that.

45. Jimmy Jimmy Boyfriend Skinny

Stef: eh.
Valerie: my dad always said “never trust someone with two first names” so i’d go with super not trusting this boi
Riese: yeah this is like your friend is dating them but you refuse to call them “jimmy jimmy”
and every time they’re like “it’s jimmy jimmy, not jimmy!” you’re like “please stop”
Stef: “okay jimmy”
Cameron: or it sounds like a badly written spell to do ???

44. Biker Boy

Stef: she said c u l8r boi

43. Emma Deep Indigo Gold

Stef: oof
wants me to go with her to gathering of the vibes every fucking year
has a lot of seashells on her dresser
Jenna: she likes it when you tell stories about the constellations

42. Brenda Light Indigo Vintage

Molly: i see her at the peach pit
Valerie: i think she was my bartender in brooklyn once
Jenna: she was
Stef: has a prism hanging in her window

41. French Connection Rebound Skinny

Valerie: delphine?!
actually shay probably

40. Gaby Original Rigid Skinny

Stef: gaby dunn not fucking around
Cameron: paging gaby dunn
goddamn it Stef
Stef: gaby dunn eating a salad

39. Stud Up For Yourself

Molly: hahahahahahaha
Stef: also molly
Valerie: hahahaha
Molly: hahahahahahahahaha
Alaina: ahahahaha
be the stud you want to see in the world

38. Skinny Old Hangout

Stef: harsh
Molly: conspiracy theorist
Jenna: down for whatever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Stef: my ex girlfriend
Valerie: has great booze
Molly: doesn’t have plans beyond the next five minutes

37. True Religion Women’s Cameron Slim Boyfriend

Cameron: Hello ladies
Stef: cameron is my only true religion
Molly: omg Stef
was typing that

36. Taylor Tomboy Studded Boyfriend

Stef: literally taylor
climbs a lot of mountains

35. Ex’s and Oh’s Lace-Up

Stef: these sound horrible
Alaina: i loved that show
Valerie: i like that song
Molly: thinks her exes think about her more than they do
Jenna: idk if you are being serious but i remember also loving that show?
it feels more like a dream now idk i think i watched it with the volume down low
Alaina: oh i’m so serious.
i think i BOUGHT it.
on itunes

34. The Relaxed Nerd

Alaina: not me
Valerie: me!
when i’m not in immerse

33. Rainbow With Me

Molly: i mean
Stef: she is absolutely insufferable during pride
Valerie: smokes so much pot

32. Shrunken Boyfriend in Lillian Pretty Wash With Busts and Stepped Hem

Molly: emily on skins
Stef: there is so much going on.
Valerie: i just spit water everywhere
shrunken boifriend is too much
Stef: (hocus pocus voice) he has a little woman?!?!?

31. Glamorous With All Over Studs and Distressing

Stef: Alaina
Alaina: true

30. Boohoo Raw Edge Mom

Rachel: me
Stef: me as a mom
Rachel: me now
Stef: you were an accident
she reminds you every day after a few beers

29. Keep Your Fringe Close Skinny

Jenna: this is a fucking threat
Molly: a bit paranoid
Stef: she’s a kleptomaniac
Jenna: a threat embodied in a person
Stef: she’s always shoplifting you weird shit from the bodega
which is nice i guess but makes you nervous about a future together
Cameron: she wants to believe

28. Liquor N Poker Boyfriend with Metallic Panel

Stef: shut up

27. Level 99 Women’s Morgan Slouchy Straight

Jenna: plays soccer
Molly: everyone thinks morgan’s a lesbian bc of her posture
Cameron: and they’re right

26. Petite Carter Girlfriend Crosshatch Denim in Thorne Blue w/ Destruction

Stef: blue ivy carter
Valerie: i’m going to start signing my emails “With Destruction, Valerie Anne”
Jenna: i wanna say this is maybe detective carter from person of interest aka taraji p henson
Stef: WITH DESTRUCTION is my favorite descriptor
in immerse, with destruction

25. High-Rise Tomboy in Glen Rose

Stef: on morgan’s soccer team
Cameron: sounds like a penthouse apartment tbh
Stef: offers her a ride home after the big game
Jenna: everyone else thinks they hate each other, but they’re doing it
Stef: what follows then changes both of their lives forever

24. MOTHER The Tomcat

Rachel: MOMMI
Stef: mother the tomcat is Riese’s type
Valerie: she has a lonely heart of course she’s drunk
Molly: mother the tomcat is the meanest lesbian at the bar
Valerie: i think you mean MOTHER the tomcat
Riese: thank you Valerie
Valerie: quite welcome
Stef: MOTHER the tomcat sorry
Molly: i’m not sorry just disappointed

23. MOTHER The Dropout Boyfriend

Stef: ahahahaha

22. Tomgirl

Stef: MOTHER is nowhere to be seen
Cameron: are tomboy and tomgirl the same thing?
Jenna: idk why but tomgirl makes me think of a cartoon tomcat and i… don’t hate it?
Riese: i know, this is a bizarre linguistic development
Jenna: not sure what that says about me
Riese: what does tomgirl do that tomboy didn’t do, as a word
Stef: it’s a tomboy but not in like a gay way
Molly: it’s for boys
when they’re being girly
Cameron: if only
Riese: right yeah they should make Girlfriend jeans for boys
Stef: josefina’s feminine boyfriend
in distress

20. Mom Rebel Rebel

Stef: !!!
Valerie: MOTHER
mom rebel rebel is dating MOTHER the tomcat
Stef: their kids are both like :face_with_rolling_eyes:
Valerie: their kids jimmy jimmy and rebel rebel

19. Carolyn with Tux Stripe

Stef: :heart_eyes:
Jenna: yeah she sounds hot

18. New Look Graffiti Stud

Alaina: you think she’s different, but she’s like every other stud
Cameron: it’s a new look though
Riese: new look
same stud

17. Ripped Girlfriend

Alaina: my type
Jenna: she is a firefighter
Cameron: charity arm wrestling contest
Stef: she has a dog, she’s very cute about her dog
Valerie: well now Stef has me thinking that maybe this is the sequel to patched girlfriend
Stef: ripped girlfriend is actually what happens before you make the patched girlfriend
Valerie: gotcha

16. Boy Skinny

Stef: lives in portland
Jenna: every t-shirt looks 3 sizes too big
in a cute way
Riese: eats twigs
Stef: loves a bow tie
has probably dated cee

15. Brady Boyfriend with Carpenter Styling

Stef: power lez
Molly: great with her hands
Alaina: who marsha brady grew up to become
Stef: the literal carpenter
Valerie: brady actually uses the hammer loop
for a hammer

14. Best Girlfriend

Molly: a liar
Stef: can’t trust her
into it
Cameron: thank you
Alaina: doesn’t exist

13. Sexy Boyfriend

Stef: you wish
Valerie: that’s how men describe women in novels
Alaina: doesn’t exist

12. Rip Her To Shreds Distressed

Cameron: a rough break up
Molly: cat lady
Valerie: into it
Riese: also her sister pant, Tear You Apart Distresed
Stef: sister pant
Jenna: she has aggressive nail art
Molly: look what you made her do
Stef: tear you apart is the gother of the two
Cameron: oh no not another pant sisterhood
Stef: rip her to shreds has great eyeshadow, tear you apart is a mascara girl

12. High-Rise Slim Boyjean: Painter Edition

Valerie: the jeander binary is a social construct
Stef: bette porter would love to exhibit her work
Molly: just got a short haircut, paints in good light in san fran
Jenna: this is cobie smulders from the l word

11. Reinvented Tomboy

Cameron: it’s me
Alaina: is okay wearing makeup
Stef: she is risen
Molly: and has an undercut
Jenna: doesn’t worry about gender stereotypes anymore
Riese: doesn’t care if you use they or she
Stef: a good hand holder
Cameron: grass stains are intentional, so is the eyeliner
Riese: i guess we really are describing cameron
Cameron: hi
Stef: cameron has never held my hand
but there’s always tomorrow
Molly: yeah wait
Riese: we can circle back
Cameron: please form an orderly line

10. High-Rise Slim Boyjean: Embroidered Edition

Molly: dolly parton
Stef: done

9. Field Scout Cuffed Straight

Stef: like a girl scout? are there thin mints involved
Jenna: i feel like she’s hot and rugged and closeted
Cameron: her name is louise. she saw a wolf once while camping.

8. Pepaloves I’m Only Kitten You Straight

Molly: hahahahahahaha
Stef: she makes terrible jokes for one thing
Valerie: i think reading that made me gayer
Stef: did someone at modcloth name these jeans
Riese: maybe……

7. Sienna Slim Boyfriend In Dream On

Stef: like a virginia slim?
Molly: that’s an LA L Word lesbian
Rachel: yeah she wears a fedora
Stef: she has a ton of hats
Valerie: Sienna Slim is definitely a cocktail
Stef: or a cigarette.
Valerie: or drinks cocktails
Stef: (don draper voice) she’s toasted
Molly: she’s an androgynous cigarette drinking a cocktail while rejecting me

6. Women’s Ex-Lover Straight Ankle in Ninette

Valerie: they really missed the boat in calling this one “in Cindy”
Cameron: ninette, it’s time to let go
Stef: ninette in immerse

5. Closed Heartbreaker Girlfriend-Fit Mid-Rise

Alaina: read that as ‘closet heartbreaker’
Valerie: that’s what it says under “seeking” on my tinder profile

4. Plus Boyfriend With Stud Detail

Alaina: sign me up!

3. Alice & You Distressed Boyfriend

Stef: tasha

2. Carhartt Tomboy Fit Benson

Stef: olivia is that you
Riese: this is like a sex dream version of olivia
Stef: she’s working on my car
Jenna: fuck i read that fic
Molly: olivia but butcher
Stef: she’s wearing a sleeveless black t
Valerie: that’s definitely the name of a alex cabot/olivia benson fic
Stef: and greasy but in a sexy way it’s fine
Cameron: weekend house maintenance olivia
Valerie: in which cabot is the carhartt tomboy
Alaina: she tells you it’s heinous when you get catcalled

1. Mom Blow Out

Cameron: this is what happens to tomcat & rebel rebel when they fight
Stef: maybe this is what happens when tomcat mom and rebel rebel mom break up, this is the fight they have
Riese: ok this wins
for drama

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3213 articles for us.


  1. “MOM
    how do you even know what poppers ARE
    i don’t like you hanging out with those girls in your book club
    they’re getting you into trouble”

    *snorts beverage thru nose*
    *closes laptop and never opens it again*

  2. This is the most fun I’ve ever had on the internet. It’s an honor to know you hilarious humans.

    With destruction,

    Valerie Anne

  3. 100 types of jeans, yet when I muster enough courage to go shopping, all they have is ‘So You Think You Are Slim’ and ‘Distressed Rous: Unlimited Edition’.

  4. I feel like a bored intern was out in charge of a focus group of mumsnet people and gave them brownies as a snack.

  5. Hey, I think the link is dead to the ‘previous Autostraddle writer Instagram photo’ at the top of the article.

  6. 1) This is the best
    2) Currently wearing ‘altered boyfriend’ with interior pocket linings that tell me I’m gorgeous. MAKE OF THAT WHAT YOU WILL.

  7. “Altered Straight

    Riese: you go in for a gay haircut and leave with the same haircut as always”

    Me trying repeatedly to get an ALH in Baton Rouge :/

  8. Sorry! Please delete this one mods, I accidentally typed ALS instead of ALH. Neurological disorders are a big part of my life, but I’m definitely not trying to get another one.

  9. okay okay but 60. Point Sur Shoreditch Straight to me was different, there’s context

    shoreditch is an area of central london that’s like. aggressively hipster and alternative.


    i work in shoreditch and it’s the actual bane of my life

    • i hope that jeans literally called “dad jeans” are already on the market
      they must be at this point

  10. I have questions.

    Were these named by random AI jean-name generators?

    How did the person who suggested “wedgie” as a name for pants not get immediately fired?

  11. Also I call distressed jeans “shark attack pants” and I’m delighted to learn that they’re now being repurposed to catch fish.

  12. (68) Ricky Skinny sounds like the L Word character Shane would work for while wearing those jeans

  13. All the jeans are people. Mom, boyfriend, girlfriend & tomboy/tomgirl…

    (ignore me if you deliberately set out to do that but otherwise, I never expected that. I knew boyfriend and mom jeans but that’s it)

  14. I legit have those Wedgie Fit jeans in, like, three colours. Maybe one of them is Kiss Off. Maybe.

    I’m also 0% ashamed because they make me look like I have a butt.

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