Welcome to “Ten Days of Top Tens,” in which we say goodbye to 2010 by reviewing the year that was. Because we spent this year in front of our computers typing words for you, many of these top tens will be a tad self-indulgent. Resist the urge to recognize it as such.
We have a lot of ideas. Follow-through? Not so much. Thus today I present you with…
Top 10 Unpublish/ed/able WordPress Drafts!
This top ten is an excellent opportunity for me to “crack the whip” at our editorial team while simultaneously cracking the whip at my own weaknesses as a human/CEO and it is ALSO a teachable moment! Doesn’t everyone want to know some of the BEHIND THE SCENES MAGIC that goes in to creating the Autostraddle website you know and love or have a love/hate relationship with or are only reading so you can find new reasons to hate it/me? OF COURSE YOU DO.
Every day/week, the WordPress dashboard looks something like this:
Already published posts are in there looking spiffy and done. Unpublished posts are labeled by wordpress as “drafts.” We write notes to each other in the title box like [WIP] (“Work in Progress”) or [DONE] or [NEEDS FEATURE GRAPHIC] or [READY FOR RIESE] or [TITLE SUCKS SORRY]. For a speedy assessment of our Draft Situation, one must click “DRAFTS” and then stare vacantly into the ether, wondering if we’ll ever publish anything ever again.
Will anyone ever finish these drafts. Has Laneia edited this draft. Does Alex have pictures for this draft. Have you asked Taylor about her draft. Did Crystal send you the photos for the draft that Riese is editing and Alex still needs to format and is this fix that Rachel did good to go I would ask her but she’s at work oh also is anyone ever going to finish that draft.
Sometimes drafts sit in the drafts folder forever, long past the possible date of their publication or the author’s interest in completing the post. Sometimes drafts are not actual drafts, but spaces for Executive Editor Laneia to share her complicated feelings. Sometimes drafts remain in the drafts folder rather than the more appropriate “trash” folder for inexplicable reasons. Perhaps it’s out of denial.
Perhaps the existence of these rotted drafts remind us that we are alive, and human.
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Top 10 WordPress Drafts That Will Never See the Light of Day
10. So You Wanna be a Food Historian
Author: Laneia
Last Modified: September 2, 2010
If you do wanna be a food historian I’m afraid you’re going to have to figure this one out yourself.
9. Small Talk For Weirdos
Author: Sarah H.
Last Modified: September 9, 2010
I recall an editorial meeting in which Laneia maybe said something about Sarah not wanting to write this post anymore or it not working out somehow. I was sitting on the living room couch for this editorial meeting on Skype, maybe drinking some vodka. Definitely drinking some vodka, not wearing any pants, and the house was in some kind of chaos situation. I think I got mad at everybody and hung up or maybe that was the week before.
Anyhow, I bet all you weirdos are sitting there right now with your mouths open, waiting for Sarah H. to tell you how to small talk. Here’s a snippet from the draft:
Talking to the Boss
Similar to: Poking straws into your eyes
8. Taylor & Kelsey’s Winged Migration: Southwest Edition
Author: Taylor
Last Modified: November 11, 2010
After four triumphant segments — a huge accomplishment, really, as we rarely complete these ‘series’ posts — Kelsey and Taylor have decided that ‘nobody cares’ about their road trip. I tried to put the pressure on them when I was staying there but the inertia was unbeatable.
It is unlikely we’ll ever know what happened with the psychos in Santa Fe.
7. Everyone is Fucking Stupid I Hate Everyone Because Everyone is Fucking STUPID
Author: Laneia
Last Modified: December 16, 2010
I admire the subtlety expressed in this post
6. Lindsay Lohan on Playing Porn Star Linda Lovelace, Disturbing Andrea Dworkin’s Spirit
Author: riese
Last Modified: august 10, 2010
In late Novemeber Lohan got FIRED from Inferno in which she was going to play Linda Lovelace, rendering this piece irrelevant. Granted I hadn’t touched this thing since the August afternoon I spent on amphetamines at Alex’s dining room table, reading everything ever written about the Feminist Sex Wars and watching documentaries on Netflix, congratulating myself for such a genius “spin” on a benign topic with three SEO words in the title.
The future of this piece, much like Lindsay Lohan’s life itself, is unclear.
5. Dear Kings of Leon
Author: Laneia
Last Modified: October 17, 2010
I imagine Laneia constructed “Dear Kings of Leon” in a moment of very passionate feelings about, it appears, Kings of Leon’s latest album. Laneia’s title-note is laced with self-deprecation regarding her perceived inability to complete a “music post” herself. Laneia is one of those people who gives you something awesome while warning you that it sucks.
Following the opening (above), Laneia asks Kings of Leon some questions and provides her empathy for the hypothetical situations she imagines may have caused their suckdom, whether it be ‘getting older’ or ‘being from TN.’ Then Laneia’s discontent towards Kings of Leon emerges again, like a dolphin breaking valiantly out of the ocean into the air:
None the fucking less, we will need to discuss this homogenized emo/country/’rock’ thing that I’ve been listening to for a few days, which made me nervous / I let slide on [LAST ALBUM]
Laneia then details “Things That Were Amazing / VERY FUCK YES About You Prior to This” and “Things I Can Currently Do Without.” Here’s another excerpt:
I know what it’s like to be away from that place that fed you for years. I know wanting that time back. That time was a thing you bought via memories, though. That time, the way you see it now, didn’t exist. Not really. What you’re creating via these songs isn’t a thing. This is not the way it feels there…
You know what it was like. It didn’t sound like [SOUND] or [SOUND]. It was [SONG] and [LYRIC] and [something].
[ALBUM] sounds like a soundtrack, in that it’s someone else’s take on on a thing / place. Where the fuck are you?
The way you see it now, didn’t exist. AND SCENE.
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4. CRYSTAL I LOVE YOU
Author: Laneia
Last Modified: October 6, 2010
This is how that looks:
3. What My Heart Says About Emily Gould’s “And the Heart Says Whatever”
Author: riese
Last Modified: august 27, 2010
JK! I’m totally gonna finish this for the one year anniversary of the publication of “And the Heart Says Whatever.”
For real…
3. wtf are you dumb this is not actually an article
Author: riese
Last Modified: September 4, 2010
The title says it all. The other thing that says it all is the first paragraph, which indicates I was perhaps Robo-tripping or something.
95% of things I try to write get ruined because I attempt to incorporate THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE into every essay I compose, it’s problematic.
I open attempting to make some sort of point that involves, somehow, 9/11, and then later I reveal I’m responding to an Onion article everyone recommended on facebook about everyone moving out of New York City. Mostly what I do here is re-present the Onion article, but without humor, and with extra 9/11.
It goes on to describe kissing in lots of places, references “The Style Tribes of San Francisco” (an article I apparently read in The Sunday New York Times), Joan Didion, the flooring in my Harlem apartment, my income variance over several years, the pros and cons of working from home, how the internet changes our everyday lives, why living in New York is like having an affair with a married woman and how it costs a lot to go out (including an overblown explanation of Point A–>Point B). At some point I think I unfortunately return to 9/11, as we so often do.
A variety of extended metaphors happen. This one is homosexual:
Leaving New York is like realizing that episode of Oprah wasn’t about you after all. Leaving New York is like realizing that Ellen DeGeneres lives in California and generally you prefer her show anyhow, it makes you dance.
Idk.
2. Feel Flow: A Fake Article About My / Our Dinah Hangover
Author: the team
Last Modified: august 8, 2010
This is a “fake article” nobody can bring themselves to delete. It is a safe space for us to share important memories, like this:
And this:
Also, this:
Other excerpts from this piece include “Team Ke$ha peaced out after I heard the words “Fuck you like a Dinosaur” and “When I told Brandy I was an art history major, she said “I hate art.” But then later squeezed my shoulders, so whatever.”
And also this:
I do not.
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1. omg shoes
Author: a;ex
Last Modified: December 11, 2009
For this post our Design Director A;ex Vega has inserted some photographs of ‘Over-the-Knee Boots,’ ‘Slouchy Boots’, ‘Motorcycle Boots’ and ‘Oxfords.’ A;ex has not yet added any text to the post. As Design Director, A;ex usually adds pictures and formatting to posts written by writers, so perhaps she got confused and forgot that when it is HER post, she has to put in the pictures AND write the text.
We are unable to move “omg shoes” to the trash, because it’s much funnier to ask for progress reports on “omg shoes” at every editorial meeting. We will never delete it. One day, I think, Alex will wake up with her socks on, look around the room, think “OMG SHOES!” and start pounding out this sucker lickity split. You know what I’m saying? You do. You get it. I know you get it.
i cannot (will not) ever stop laughing
If we had a comment rating system, a) it would be a terrible idea, and b) I would give Taylor all the thumbs ups right now. Mostly b.
Autostraddle: I love you FOR REALS.
i was wondering that happened with you & kelsey’s roadtip. did you ever make it to san francisco??!! will we ever know?
apparently something really messed up happened to us in the southwest. i may never remember what befell us.
amazing. i, for one, appreciate the transparency.
i love this. i love you, autostraddle
i wish there were a way to commemorate this post as fully as i want to, like maybe tattoo it on my body somewhere or have it painted on a wall of my house
so you wanna be a housepainter
I almost like #10 the best. it’s just such a clear picture of the entropic force of an idea that was clearly born out of overcaffeination.
ps. that suede oxford is pretty hot
omg, shoes
i love this place. not just because its extraordinary, but because when you lay everything out there and go “yeah, YEAH, WHAT?!” its not only badass, its hilarious.
I would like to see the other pictures in the “omg shoes” draft. Specifically the over the knee boots the slouchy boots, as I am looking for some new boots. Words are totally not needed, I am a designer as well, I UNDERSTAND pictures!
This needs to happen more often, just like I need to learn how to avoid awkward situations.
ha. so much transparency! this post is similar to what i imagine would happen if autostraddle got wikileaks tanked on cheap vodka in a dodgy dyke bar….
(but without the date rape. obv.)
Everyone mysteriously buying inflatable sharks around the same time: Government conspiracy or good advertising?
For the record, I cared about the road trip.
Your picture confuses me… I don’t know what kind of imaginary voice to use when reading your text. I think I’ll go for the tall man in the middle only because he’s staring at me.
I cared about 9, 2 and possibly on bad days, 7.
From left to right, Tegan, me, and Sara. So yeah, that’s me with the goofy grin in the middle.
Holy crap! Every time I read your comments, I thought those were two little boys standing next to you! Like, your sons or something. MY BAD
Tegan and Sara are, like, sprites in that picture. Or elves? It’s official.
Okay, so you know the weird thing is? When I looked at your picture, I thought that was Sara to your left, but somehow Tegan didn’t register. For some reason, Tegan looked like a soccer mom… (I am so sorry for that assumption. I want never ever have thought that.)
Now when I look at the picture, I totally want to read your posts in their voice. Just because, well, who wouldn’t want them to post on here?
Lol. It’s hard to tell from the Gravatar – all is forgiven. Just remember, the views expressed in my posts do not necessarily reflect the views of Tegan and Sara. But whatever floats your boat.
I cared about the road trip TOO! I knew I should have commented on those posts to show interest. Damn insecure lesbos!
i can send you the Real story of the rest of the road trip. i’ll put it in a message in a bottle. which ocean is proximal to you?
if you write that story to anyone besides wordpress i will axe you
i think i should video podcast it instead, which is a way of not saying ‘vlog’
i have signed on to this idea
Alas, surface ocean currents from the Pacific Ocean to the Gulf of Mexico are virtually nonexistent.
Sometimes, I like to go into the drafts and just look at the titles of them and occasionally smile and giggle a little and wish I could see what was inside them. I stared at that ‘THINGS TO LOOK AT WHEN YOU’RE NOT SOBER’ for weeks, hoping that it would see the light of day. When it did, I was happy.
This post makes me very happy. You ladies all make me very happy.
*also care/d about the winged migration*
i just wanna say that (disclaimer: i’m pretty freakin drunk/other things but soooo proud of my typing when in this state) i love you guys so much and am really looking forward to reading this article in the morning. i feel like i should delete all this…as i’d normally do, but for some reason it feels like it needs to be said. seriously, LOVE. you. all.
!!!!
Autostraddle is basically college, but with more lesbians.
And I went to a women’s college.
What I wouldn’t give to spoon Tess. I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.
1. this post made me laugh out loud. specifically #1 and #3
2. i feel like i’m 13 again and at summer camp and i just got to hang out with my favourite counsellors and get a peak into their cool secret world when they aren’t around the campers…making sense? either way i feel awesome.
3. i want a job where i can have Skype meetings sans pants and with vodka.
I know what you mean by number 2! hehehe
the thing about #3 is that i need to put a semicolon in it
LANEIA I LOVE YOU
I want to read every feeling you felt over Kings of Leon’s new album
x2
ever since #7 showed up in wordpress i’ve occasionally thought about adding something to it, like “ME TOO, MURDEROUS RAAAAGE” but then i think i should just leave it as a work of art.
#7 #7 #7 #7 #7 #7 #7 #7 #7 #7 #7 #7 #7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, I can just imagine your meetings in my head “Ok, next we have the ‘OMG shoes’ draft. Any progress on that yet?”
me: soooooo what’s in the drafts folder? what are we working with here, kids.
laneia: ummm. looks like we have uh… nothing?
rachel: you guys i could [volunteers to do like 5 posts on various topics/edit 500 posts overnight, because rachel can write like a motherfucker]
me: are you sure? i don’t want you to like die, do you have time?
laneia: i think um, someone emailed me a thing —
rachel: yeah yeah it’s totally fine, i could do that like tonight —
me: anyone have an update on ummmm… oh how about omg shoes?
laneia: OMG SHOES!
rachel: oh my god shoes
me: should i talk to alex
rachel: probably
me: can you email alex for me laneia
laneia: yes that is a thing i can do
rachel: i just love saying ‘omg shoes’
me: can we make a post that says ‘omg shoes’ 100x
rachel & laneia: YES
[xinfinity]
OMG! I NEED “Small Talk For Weirdos”. I seriously can’t listen to my boss make one more joke about hunting. Ha, ha, ha killing defenseless creatures for no reason is a RIOT. Need other topics!
I’m from rural PA, we hunt all the time.(The first day of buck hunting is a holiday. It’s a real thing, people!) So my problem is I’m the one who brings up hunting in really awkward situations. Case and point:
professor: “I went out and got a turkey this weekend, for thanksgiving. It’s in my garage.”
me: “Oh! You hunt your own turkeys, too?! When every I walk into the garage I almost get hit in the head with pheasants.”
professor: “Umm, I got my turkey from Giant, but that’s . . . fun?”
So yes, Small Talk For Weirdos would help me times a million. (ps, I don’t hunt – never have never will! But my family/neighbors/friends do. People get bored in the mountains.)
Me, being Portuguese, I really would have enjoyed the history of Cod fish, #10 of this list. Oh well you can’t have everything in life…
I doubt that you are my Portuguese girlfriend Luisa but, if you are, you are in trouble because you never comment on my blog and you are commenting on AS.
In other news,I read Cod because of my Portuguese girlfriend Luisa.
I love this post so hard. Best top 10 list of the year? I vote yes.
Also probably because I co-edit a website not dissimilar to this one (just less gay? I think) and can relate, so, so much.
Um, so awesome. Also every time I look at the comments and see Oprah’s picture as the default, I am totally all OMG OPRAH OPRAH IS ON HERE. I am like that gddamn fish with the gdamn bubbles in Finding Nemo.
REFERENCE did you see what I did there
In conclusion, I love y’all.
Oh I have nothing original to add but this is all a work of genius. Can this be like a monthly feature. I love it So Much. Especially for some reason the food history one. Hahahahahaha.
I am so happy for this.
Also Laneia, that food historian post is so fucking cute.
brilliant!! i would love to be a at these meetings….i totally agree this is like summer camp with a bunch of lesbian counselors — just like church camp actually :)
I was a lesbian counsellor. My kids didn’t half learn something during ‘I Have Never’.
“Then Laneia’s discontent towards Kings of Leon emerges again, like a dolphin breaking valiantly out of the ocean into the air”
I just laughed so hard I legits nearly peed on my sofa.
Everything about this is perfect. Lord god.