Moving in together is a big step! I’ve moved in with a partner a couple times in life, and the first time I did so, well, I wish I’d had an article like this to consult! When moving in with my now-wife, I felt better equipped to go through the negotiations and learning curves of cohabitation — which was good, because we went from long distance to lockdown, moving in together in a city completely new to both of us in…January 2020. But we made it through and have now lived together quite successfully for nearly five years across two states and three cities.

I’ve found in my answering of advice questions for Autostraddle through the years and also in conversations with friends that there are some common themes when it comes to the conflicts couples experience when first living together. Cohabitation is a big deal! It does fundamentally change the relationship. But that doesn’t have to be a scary prospect, and a lot of potential conflict or tension can be mitigated before the boxes are even unpacked. And what might that mitigation look like? Yep, you guessed it, COMMUNICATION! The decision to move in together shouldn’t stop at “let’s do it.” There are all sorts of conversations to be had in the lead up to living together. And if you’re not really sure where to start, I’ve compiled what I think are the best questions to ask each other prior to the big move.

This questionnaire doesn’t have to feel like a slog! Make a date of it! Ask each other these questions over dinner or while out. If either of you feel like you’ll be more honest if you write some of your questions down ahead of time instead of answering them live in front of each other, do that. This list of questions is meant to be adaptable and fluid. It’ll help you have some of the key conversations that I think make the transition of moving in with a partner or partners a bit smoother. Even if you do already live together, some of these questions can be good to consider if you’re feeling like you might be on different pages about somethings around the house.

This list is not exhaustive, merely here to get the ball rolling on in-depth conversations ahead of your big move. I kept it to 10 questions (though all of them technically have follow-up questions) so that this task can feel manageable and not overwhelming. But I do think asking each other these 10 questions can set you up for a smoother move-in and create ongoing conversations about your needs and expectations for living together.

If you have tips, advice, or additional questions for newly cohabitating couples, shout em out in the comments!

1. When do you prefer to go to sleep and wake up?

You don’t have to have matching answers to this question, but if you have wildly different concepts of bedtime, it can be good to know that upfront so you can also know how to move through that difference. This could also be an opportunity for you to discuss sex! Are you a morning sex person? A sex before bed every night person? Moving in together can definitely impact a couple’s sex life, so it’s good to try to talk about some of your sexual needs upfront.

2. What’s your morning routine and nighttime routine?

You may think you already know these things about each other as there have undoubtedly been sleepovers, but you’d be surprised! People’s regular morning and nighttime routines are sometimes skipped when you’re just staying over at someone’s place or in a home temporarily.

3. Do you need your own designated space in your house and if so, what might that look like?

This is an especially important question to ask when one partner is moving into the other’s existing space instead of the two of you finding a new place together. The person who already lived in the space before is going to naturally feel the most at home already, and the partner moving in will need to make the space their own, too. Even if your place together is small, having your own space can be as simple as a reading chair, a desk, etc.

4. How will we split up the household chores?

Do you both hate laundry? Great, sounds like you’re taking turns doing laundry. Does one of you actually enjoy doing the dishes? Cannot relate, but good for you! No one wants to feel like they have to make a chore wheel with their partner after moving in together, so try to divvy up household tasks ahead of time with a simple conversation.

5. How will we split up finances?

I probably should have put this question first, because it’s The Big One! But I was trying to ease you into things, as a lot of people get hives talking about money. But that’s exactly why you should start talking about money with a partner early on, to take some of the stress and fear out of it entirely. It’s important to talk about money! Are you going to split the rent 50/50 or use a sliding scale system based on how much you each make? (I’m partial to the latter approach, but everyone is different!) Which bills will be in whose names?

6. How would you describe your personal aesthetics when it comes to home decor, furniture, wall art, etc?

Merging households means merging your ideas of what a home should look like and how it should feel. What pieces are you each bringing into the house? If you need to shop for new things, are you going to do that together? If so, do you have a unified vision? If not, are there ways to honor both of your preferences? Maybe one person gets to decorate the bedroom and the other gets the living room.

7. What are your work from home preferences?

Maybe you have a job that doesn’t ever have the option to WFH, but I do find that remote jobs and work from home days are increasingly on the rise, and I know a lot of couples who were nearly destroyed when they found themselves suddenly working from home during lockdown in 2020.

8. What are your general “house rules”?

This is a big question that will spawn additional questions, because house rules can look like so many different things. That’s why I think the approach to answering this question would be to write down a list of 10-15 rules you like to have in your space and then share. Are some more negotiable than others? Where do your rules align and where do they diverge? Examples of house rules can be: a no shoes policy, quiet time at a certain hour, no outside clothes on the bed, etc.

9. Do you like to entertain/have people over/etc?

Get on the same page about how you like to socialize in your shared space. Some people love to throw frequent house parties; others do not. Your idea of having people over might just be last-minute chill friend hangs on the couch. Sounds great! Talk about it! Because some people want a lot of advance notice about people coming over and some don’t need that. What are your personal “guest policies”? You can add these to your lists of house rules!

10. How would you like to do meals together?

Is your preference to eat every meal together? Or do you only want to do dinner together or breakfast and dinner or or or? (My wife and I for the most part do separate breakfasts and lunches, except on the weekends or holidays. And then we pretty much always have dinner together, even when I have to work late.) When do you like to eat your meals? Will you take turns cooking or is there a designated chef? What are your favorite kinds of snacks to always have on hand? What about beverages?

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