YES NO MAYBE: Is That a Drumstick or Are You Just Happy to See Me

Welcome to a segment called YES NO MAYBE! During one of my day jobs, I encounter a lot of sex toys. What I’ve learned from this is that there are some SMART insightful and ingenious sex toys out there–that think about usability and variety and bodies. And then there are sex toys that… have not… exactly been thought out. And then there are toys that are just beyond anything I could have imagined and that’s equally exciting. This is where YES NO MAYBE comes in! Let’s collectively share our thoughts in the comments about the following toys! Tell me if you’d give an ENTHUSIASTIC YES to a toy! Is it something you’d put on or in your bod? A giant MAYBE to a toy we’re unsure about? Or maybe you’d vote HELL NO to all of them!

Autostraddle and I are not endorsed by any of these toys or companies. This segment isn’t meant to shame any toy or company that exists–like if it’s out there it’s because someone’s weird wild brain imagined it and THAT alone should be celebrated! Let’s not yuck anyone’s yum while spilling if yes, we want a rainbow silicone popsicle in our bits.

SELF DELVE BERRY ON A LEAF SILICONE BUTT PLUG

This is a berry butt plug — cute! I’ve seen fruit and veggie plugs before! Very charming! Nutritious! Playful! Yet this one is unique, the silicone leaves titillate outside the anus and can bend to create a handle. If I stopped here with the description, I feel like we’d all be happy with this unique toy, however they have another unexpected feature: THEY CHANGE COLOR WITH THE HEAT OF YOUR BODY. Ok, coolcoolcool, I’m sold. I don’t care if its a gimmick or not, gimme. Put it in a butt already! Don’t you DARE think this is limited to just a berry, pals! There’s ASPARAGUS, a carrot, corn, a cucumber, A CHILI PEPPER, an eggplant and MORE. This is the only salad I’m interested in!! I can’t wait to get one of each and put them in a bowl on my kitchen table and trick everyone into thinking I cook with fresh vegetables! The FOOLS!

DIVA DOLPHIN

Nothing says romance quite like shoving a bottlenose dolphin up your vagina.

HER ULTIMATE PLEASURE PUMP

Alright, here’s the deal with this, I personally dig pumps! I think they’re fun! They make everything big and sensitive! This pump tho? I’m dubious. I’m questioning. I’m a little concerned. And more than that, I’m curious. As turned off as I am by *gestures wildly* this, I am 100% gonna put my vulva all up in it.

DazzLED RADIANCE

If you’ve been hunting for that perfect toy to use during a dark rave or when the electricity cuts out, then look no further that DazzLED Radiance! This vibrator is the “why not” of toy design. It’s got two sets of lights and it can strobe in time with the vibration. Is this a gimmick? WHO CARES. I’m just going to assume most of the folks reading this are intrigued and I want everyone to know I could only find one (1) video of this brilliant beautiful toy showing off it’s light display. It’s also vital to note that light up your soul is part of their marketing plan.

Is my soul located in my G-spot? I’ll let you know after I die.

CHARGED O’HARE VOOOM BULLET WITH RING

Does everyone remember thumb rings? Are those still in? If so, I’d like to make a suggestion for an improvement.

DRUMSTICK STUFFER

I let out a little involuntary gasp when I stumbled upon this toy. Gonna pass on this treasure. I can say that it’s just not for me. BUT I really hope this toy finds a person to love and cherish it?! Is that YOU, reader?!

RAINBOW SPANKING PADDLE

Attn: Gays! Here’s a paddle for you! This paddle is YUMMY. The wood looks beautiful, the colors are gorgeous and it looks like it’s got some weight behind it. Wouldn’t this look beautiful hanging on your living room? I feel like the rainbow disguises it as a kink toy but I think that’s because I’ve become really immune to sex toys being littered around a house and thinking nothing of it.

THE COWGIRL

Imagine this: The Highwomen album crooning in the background, your ass in assless-chaps sitting on a cowhide rug in the middle of a stable, a coyote howling outside the window, a faint smell of straw, I actually don’t know anything about ranch life and I will stop pretending I do. I’m gonna give the Cowgirl a strong Ten Outta Ten, having never turned one on or seen one in person. This toy looks like a RIDE. It’s got two different dildos to choose from and app-technology to make it a great partner toy. It’s also got a $1,500 price tag, officially making it the most expensive sex toy on my wishlist.

I'm a cartoonist living in Minneapolis. Co-Author and artist of A Quick And Easy Guide To They/Them Pronouns. Author of Grease Bats, coming out Fall 2019 with Boom! Studios! If I'm not working I'm socializing. If I'm not out with friends I'm drawing. If I'm not doing any of those things I'm probably depressed. Support me using Patreon.

Archie has written 88 articles for us.

8 Comments

  1. GORGE OHWELL?!?! That’s so good.

    I just remember that long ago I saw a porn clip where this presumably straight couple hooked up on a kitchen counter, then put various food items in her hoo hah… including a turkey leg. It was like a modern day Henry VIII vibe, really special.

  2. I’d be worried that the drumstick would lead to some weird meals at a chicken restaurant with friends.

    Friend: “Why is Jenny making those noises, we are a KFC at 1am.”
    Jenny: “sorry, uh the chicken reminded me of last night, but with less of a mess. ;+)”

  3. I love love love love LOVE everything about this article and articles concept and hope it goes on FOREVER and when I’m not so high after surgery I’ll make lots of comments on these THANK YOU

  4. I’ve used a Sybian (original toy the Cowgirl is based on) and it was fine except I now know I never want to try to feel sexy again in proximity to the kind of cis man who owns this kind of toy.

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