Quiz: What Non-Dairy Alternative Milk Are You?

We’ve all been acknowledging it for years now: Dairy milk is for strapping heterosexuals and non-dairy milks are for dykes. It’s a running community joke now. I’ve been vegan for 10 years but started drinking alternative milks before that and I remember the days when the best milk you could get was Silk Vanilla Soy Milk. It tasted like cake to me then and was the perfect treat.

Now the world has opened and we’ve realized that we can milk just about any grain, nut, or seed. Quite frankly we’ve gone a little mad, but that’s okay! To be gay is to live a life of excess and extravagance. What’s more extravagant than milk made from almonds?

Of all the dairy alternatives, you probably have your favorite. But which one are you on a spiritual level? Which one are you in your soul? I’m here to tell you.

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Dani Janae is a poet and writer based out of Pittsburgh, PA. When she's not writing love poems for unavailable women, she's watching horror movies, hanging with her tarantula, and eating figs. Follow Dani Janae on Twitter and on Instagram.

danijanae has written 157 articles for us.


  1. OAT MILK!

    You’re an it girl, you are the moment, can stand the heat, calm under pressure.

    not sure calm under pressure fits, but I’ll take the rest…

    never had Oat Milk. now I’ll have to try it……… :)

    • I love oatmilk, it is indeed very versatile and my locale milk man delivers it in glass bottles so it is a great low waste option.
      I am lactose intolerant so I did a tried a lot of non diary alternatives. Oatmilk was the all round winner although I do enjoy coconut (my quiz result) for certain situations

      • Thanks for the insights on Oat Milk…I know nothing about it so this is helpful….I like having milk of some kind around (for cereal etc) but not real fond of Almond Milk……I added Oat Milk to my shopping list! Looking forward to trying it….

      • By the way, love your cat picture…..its always fun when people use their pets as their avatar….in my case, Bocce, my dog and avatar, is much better looking than I am……

        Noticed that you are a buffy the vampire fan..I love everything josh weidon and started re-watching Buffy from the beginning….I have noticed there are actually a fair number of buffy fans here……

  2. if only i knew what a lavender latte was, i coulda been …


    You Are…Soy Milk!

    You’re an OG, you’ve got skin in the game, you’ve put in the years, and are still that girl!

    i mean, it’s true, but a girl can dream pistachio things. pistachio nondairy milk substitute could definitely sing funk. just saying.

  3. I will fight people about the total supremacy of soy milk compared to other milk options. Let’s goooooo:

    -Soy is a nitrogen fixing legume which is easily farmed with low water intensity, low fertilizer needs, and is cheap. Y’all’s almond milk meanwhile is dehydrating California

    -presumably partly because of these price issues, soy milk has way more soy in it than almond milk has almonds (or cashews, coconut milk, etc). Take a look at the nutrition facts, almond milk has 30 calories/serving compared to 90 for soy milk and similar ratio for grams of protein. This is because almond milk has almost no almonds and is instead mostly water thickened with carrageenan. Pound for pound soy milk is the most nutritious especially for those of us who “need more protein”

    -oat milk is slimy. Which like, So is dairy milk so, I guess?

    -soy has been hilariously villainized as feminizing because of phytoestrogens and the conflation in our culture between meat and masculinity. This in itself is a reason to drink soy as well as presumably spurring the development of all it’s competitors to avoid the red badge of emasculation

    My narrative about my own gender is that I’m a “soy boi”, feminized by all my years as a vegetarian. Probably afab because my parents were vegetarian ;)

    This quiz gave me rice milk but that stuff is watery. No thank you. I’ll mix oats with soy beans when making my own soy milk at home because the slime helps it homogenize but I don’t see the appeal of straight oats. Would y’all drink oatmeal water? Phah.

    I hope everyone takes my strongly held opinion with humor and a grain of salt! All these milks are superior to dairy and I’m glad we can agree on that ;)

      • I got soy milk too, which I haven’t had for about a decade, but the description is very apt! I guess the nondairy milk I *am* really is different than the nondairy milk I actually drink.

    • Seconded! Soy milk is the best. It is the best for coffee, it is the best for baking. I truly do not understand the popularity of almond milk, which is like nasty water to me. I got oat milk, which I will maintain is the second best after soy, but it is inferior in baking!!

      • Right! How could I leave out that most other milks just don’t work very well to make coffee creamy, instead leaving it just like… Slightly muddier and in some cases oily (looking at you, almond/coconut combo milk). A very important consideration in my world.

    • Before this discussion I was alternative milk illiterate now I feel like I a little more conversant in the options.

      Can’t say that Soy made the girl that I am but it is a good reason to drink it!!

      Thanks for the education!!

    • I appreciate and affirm you in your truth as a soy milk stan. That said, both oat milk and oatmeal water are higher on my definitive ranking of dairy-free milks than soy milk.

      Whatever oat milk’s got going on doesn’t feel slimy to me, but I did relish whole milk in my cereal as a kid, so maybe I’ve developed slime tolerance in lieu of lactose tolerance.

    • I love soy milk (silk vanilla soy milk, ftw). It tastes comforting to me (I was allergic to dairy as a kid and think I likely had soy milk as a kid, but I also have strong memories of eating my cereal with orange juice instead of milk, so unclear). I love that it has more protein than other milks – and was shocked that almond milk had so little.

      I will tussle with two things though: rice milk is amazing when it is horchata and oatmeal milkshakes are amazing: https://www.chicagotribune.com/dining/ct-oatmeal-shake-irazu-20140925-20140925-story.html (this restaurant also has cornmeal milkshakes which I love even more).

      Otherwise, soy milk is the tastiest!

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