The Week TV Got Out of Control: Aliens, Lesbians, Suicides, Housewives, Oh My!

Hello squirrel friends! I feel like we have so much to cover today, so I won’t bore you with too much news. Right quick: Mia Michaels left So You Think You Can Dance so she could work on her own show (yay!), Pam Mothafuckin’ Grier is going to be on Smallville, and ABC will not be picking up a full season of Eastwick (but Haviland Stillwell Rising Star will still be on the November 25th episode).

And now…

The Carlytron Television Awards for the Week Ending 11/08/09!

The Best Thing I Saw All Week Award – V

Episode 101 – Pilot

We predicted that V was going to be lame back in September, and boy were we wrong! I totally loved the V pilot, you guys! It was awesome. I’m super excited to see where they take this, since they gave away the whole visitors are evil lizards thing in the first episode. Whee! There are so many hot ladies on this show, too, and most of them are terrifying aliens. Yes!


The Real Life Gay Ladies Award

On Saturday night, Wanda Sykes’ new talk show premiered. It was pretty good! One segment was entirely devoted to Wanda trying to get rid of some old sex toys, which was pretty racy for Fox, right? Plus the Vanna to her Pat is a drag queen, which gets two very enthusiastic thumbs up from me.

And then on Monday, Ellen was on Oprah talking about her O magazine cover (in stores Thursday!) and her marriage to Portia. It was srsly the cutest thing I have ever seen. I think that with everything going on right now in the US with our staggering lack of equality, it’s great to see the Most Famous Lesbians On The Planet on The Most Important Show On The Planet being adorable and in love and not bursting into flames or whatever. Visibility! P.S. This totally made me tear up, don’t tell anyone:


The Bitch Is Back Award – Tabatha’s Salon Takeover

Episode 201 – Orbit Salon

tabathas-salon-takeover_201-tabatha3Is anyone else SUPER STOKED that this show is back? Yes, it’s formulaic. Yes, the same thing happens every week. No, I do not care. Tabatha, I love you. You and your crazy black leather outfits and the way you yell at all those crazy people. Don’t ever change! HBIC for life!

Additionally I’m very excited to see the Jackie Warner version of this, Jackie’s Gym Takeover, whenever that decides to premiere.

Special Comment: Grey’s Anatomy

Episode 608 – Invest in Love

Like the new graphic? Allow me to explain. When this season began, I had very low expectations coming off of season 5, which was mostly horrible. So after a few sub-par episodes, I asked Alex to make me a graphic expressing my dislike for Grey’s Anatomy. And then something weird happened: the show started to get good again! I used to love this show during its first few seasons, and then it took a terrible turn for the worst. But I kept watching out of my own sense of series obligation because I wanted to be around when it got good again. And now it has! And I’m not the only one who thinks so! So Alex was again commissioned to make another graphic. I have no idea where this photo came from; I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before, which leads me to believe that Alex has a secret repository of stealthy Carly photos hiding somewhere on her laptop. I’m on to you, Vega!

greys-anatomy_608-arizona-callie-outsideThis week’s episode was all about Arizona, which is awesome. I’m glad she’s really a full-fledged character now, I think she’s a great addition to the show. So basically, it’s her birthday, but then this little boy who she’s been treating for a long time gets really sick and dies, so it’s not a very happy birthday at all. Before this all happens, the boy’s parents donate a shit ton of money to the hospital to find a cure for what he has, but despite FBI AD Skinner (sorry, I can’t see Mitch Pileggi as anyone else) and the Chief’s greedy ways, they still donate the money after his death because Arizona is so awesome. #yaygay!

Mark tells Callie not to throw Arizona a surprise party because they never go well (this is a well-documented fact), and it totally goes terribly, but in the end Callie is wearing very little on the couch and then they say “I love you” for the first time. Eeeeeek!


Ok Shonda, you’ve got me. I completely give up. You win. Now just let them make out or something, please? Look how nice I’m being!

The Totally Crazy Hypothetical Situation Award – How I Met Your Mother

Episoode 506 – Bagpipes

Um, you guys, Barney and Lily made out. In a hypothetical situation. But still, this happened:


I always knew Willow and Dr. Horrible would be perfect for each other! Also, Barney and Robin are arguing! Ruh roh! I hope they work it out…

The Britney Spears Memorial Award For A Hot Mess of a Performance – The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Reunion Episode

I haven’t seen something this ridiculous since Britney was like, drunk or whatever at the VMAs a few years ago. In case you missed it, here’s “Tardy For the Party,” in all its amazing, horrible glory:


The Amazing Guest Star Award – Parks and Recreation

Episode 208 – Ron and Tammy

parks-and-recreation_208-ron-tammy2Two words: Megan Mullally. She shows up as Ron’s psycho ex and — fun fact! — she’s actually married to him in real life! This week is a Parks vs Library EPIC SHOWDOWN.

She and Ron have this amazing scene together where they go out for lunch (at Frank’s Steak House — actually located in Burbank — which I have been to and is in fact amazing), and in a montage they get in an argument, eat separately, make out ridiculously, and get a motel room to have sex in.


After she has seduced Ron she uses him to get the lot (formerly known as the pit) upon which to build a new library. As someone who used to work in a library, and who really loves libraries A LOT, this characterization of the library department as being a bunch of evil bitches is hilarious.

The Total Letdown Award – Heroes

Episode 407 – Once Upon a Time in Texas

So… I dunno, everything I’ve read online is saying that this episode was awesome, but I was really disappointed. It was nice to go back to season 1 and it was great to have Charlie back, but it was all kinda… dumb? Why didn’t Hiro just kill Sylar? Ugh. Maybe they tried to trick us into thinking this episode was awesome, because it was theoretically awesome when compared to the rest of this season as a whole. It was nice seeing that retcon of Bennett, though. He almost got laid you guys! Aw, Bennett. And by Gay ADA Elizabeth Rohm, no less!heroes_montage

The Highly Preposterous – Gossip Girl

Episode 308 – The Grandfather, Part II

While watching this, I watched the new highly-publicized threesome episode, so I’m trying to focus on the matter at hand here, the big election episode.

Brandeis: “You’re good.”
Blair: “I know. I’m Blair.”

I know, right? Her name is Brandeis. Like the university. She’s also a for-real call girl. Everything about this episode was so amazing and so totally not capable of actually happening. I kept shouting at Nate to throw Vanessa into the water, she is just the worst! And also there is no way that she was the only person who captured the event on tape (though she was probably the only one to be able to uncover the “big hoax” with her footage), and our beloved NY1 would not have put her name on the air either. Vanessa fail. But I think I like this show even more when it’s at its most absurd, so Gossip Girl: keep up the good work!


Oh, and that happened. Serena and Blair are NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS. And Serena is gonna do the Senator. And next week we will discuss this alleged threesome, which I have a lot of feelings about.

The Hot Girl of the Week

Lesbians from sea to shining sea can rejoice: Elizabeth Mitchell has finally won the prestigious Hot Girl of the Week Award. I don’t watch Lost so I haven’t been keeping up with her shenanigans these days, but she was awesome on V — a new prime time action hero to drool over. What can I even say about her? She was in Gia (that’s what she said!). She was on ER. She gives good interview. We love her. Here is the lovely Elizabeth Mitchell through the ages:
hgotw_elizabeth-mitchell-collage dotted-divider2

The SNL Sketch of the Week

SNL returned this week, with Taylor Swift doing double duty as both the host and musical guest. I’m not a huge fan of hers but she wasn’t half bad. The writing is still abysmal though. Sketch of the week is this driving PSA, because it is both funny and true.

Kristen Wiig is amazing: “Lets build a love gate, see a love frame. Do you hear doves? Is it a pain? Am I in the way?” Also funny: Penelope, Bunny Business, and the amazing digital short, a send-up of Twilight featuring Frankensteins instead of vampires. Amy Poehler showed up during Weekend Update for a round of “Really!? With Seth and Amy” which I love.


Honorable Mention

modern-family_30-rockModern Family: So good! Mitchell ice skating in the parking lot with Claire, and then later with Cameron was amazing.
30 Rock: “I’m not gay, I’m bi-larious!!” What was your favorite line from this episode? There were so many good ones. Jack picks the robot street performer dude to be the new TGS castmember. Yes!
FlashForward: This totally made me cry. Gough proves that the flash forwards don’t necessarily have to come true by throwing himself off the roof of a building. Damn.
Community: Abed is awesome, has an awesomely giant dorm room, likes awesome things. Two girls make out on the hood of Jeff’s car in a throwaway gag. One of these girls is NOT Britta (and neither is the other one, smartypants). Sadness ensues.
So You Think You Can Dance: Oh, gee, two of the three tappers got eliminated? It’s like when the “plus-size” models get sent home on Top Model and we’re all shocked. Puh-leeze.
The Office: Two inevitable things happened this week: 1) Pam and Jim went on a double-date with Michael and Pam’s mom. 2) Michael realized their age difference and dumped Pam’s mom. At their double-date. It was just as horrifying as it sounds. Decent A-plot, the B-plot was a real snoozer.
The Real Housewives of Orange County: I don’t know if you know this about me, but this is one of my favorite shows. I am so happy this is back. The episode opens with Vicki going skydiving and screaming for 15 minutes, and ends with all of the ladies screaming at each other. Welcome home.

‘Tron out!

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lots of pizazz.

Carly has written 48 articles for us.


  1. re: the snl sketch. i’m always having sarcastic conversations with the car in front of me… often when alone.

  2. now let me say first… I love wanda sykes and hope her show does really awesomely well and I loved a lot about her show..but do you think she did a little too much political humor/pro-obama jokes for the first ep? Like I feel that is what the whole first part was… I don’t know I should rewatch

    Modern family – that was def. one of my fave eps so far… it really does keep getting better in my opinion, which seems rare…..

    Also, they killed Jett Jackson on flash forward and that makes me sad — am I the only one who remembers
    that show?

    • Yeah, I felt like there was definitely too much politically related material in there. I mean, a little is fine but it seriously seemed like the whole show (minus the sex toys part) was somehow politically oriented. However, Ill give it another shot because I love her so much. I just hope they work some of the kinks out and make it a little funnier.

      V is f’n awesome. Elizabeth Mitchell kicks ass in Lost and in V. The teenager storyline is already getting old in my opinion though, especially that dumbass friend of her son- he bugs me.

      Flashforward…I cried my eyes out when he jumped off that building. That was intense, I didnt think he would go through with it. Wow.

      Ellen + Portia = amazing. Wonderful for positive lesbian visibility.

      And Tabatha- wow, that woman could wrap me around her finger. I fucking love her.

      • tabatha = the best.
        i agree w/ you ladies, i think wanda’s show was a bit uneven but i’m happy she has one! and hopefully it’ll get better over time.
        gough’s death made me cry like a little girl.

  3. -I watched Grey’s for the first time ever last thursday. It was okay. I prob won’t watch again. I just can’t get into medical dramas..

    -I have mixed feelings about Pam Grier on Smallville. One she is playing Amanda Waller, who in her prime, during superman’s prime, is the age Pam is now. So to bring her on while Clark is not even superman yet could be pointless. Also the L word has not left me with a good impression of her acting. I watch SV faithfully so we will see.

    -Modern Family, every week it just takes another piece of my heart! I love the show!!

    -I am off to watch V, because you said so. I hope its good so that I don;t waste my time but then I hope its bad because I don;t need something else to get sucked into. I am already watching Vampire Diaries, for reasons unbeknownst to me..

    Great recap, as always!

    • V

      1. RED F’N FLAG!! The V’s look just like humans, speak all of our languages, and dress like us. Would that not suggest that they have been here before, watching us, studying us? Had this thought before they discussed this 36 minutes in.
      2. Hot V;s will obviously and ultimately be mankind;s undoing.
      3. Glad they can be killed!
      4. This whole ‘we’ thing the V’s use is creepy and cult like.
      5. I was about to dismiss it, but it got good in the last 10 minutes
      6. The son is stupid.
      7. I hope that we would not be that naive, trusting and stupid in the event of a real invasion.

      I do believe in Aliens.

      • “The V’s look just like humans, speak all of our languages, and dress like us. Would that not suggest that they have been here before, watching us, studying us?”

        Hm. Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah.

        Honestly, I probably would like V a bit more if the dialogue weren’t so bad. If they need to keep repeating the same dialogue points with various characters, they could, like, do a better job of making it sound different. Y’know, like politicians do.

        • I have never seen Battlestar Galatica or that promo.
          As I was watching the show I just like how would they know all of this about humans unless they had been there. The fact they look human is not disarming, but suspicious.

          • I’m not really that suspicious of the Visitors’ appearance because most aliens on network TV look like humans.

            Civilizations that advanced could probably grow their own plants, harvest solar energy, and mine raw materials from unoccupied planets without exerting too much energy. I’m more surprised that no one has called them on THAT.

          • Yeah I see what you mean.
            I hate how aliens speak in english amongst themselves. They do that on Smallville too. Never been to earth, fresh off the ship and speak perfect English. Foreign ppl always use there native tongue when talking to each other.
            Also I don;t know why the existence of aliens is such a shocking thing.

  4. 1) you. don’t. watch. LOSTTTTT!!!! whaaaaaa? Who are you?
    2) I want to get almost laid by gay ADA Elizabeth Rohm
    3) And speaking of the Elizabeth’s.. Mitchell. She never seems to cease to stoke the fire of our lady-loving hearts.
    4) My celebratory body fibers are rejoicing because Grey’s celebrated gay girl feelings (ggf) but my pessimistic body fibers are clenching because they feel like maybe just possibly there is a slight chance that the ggf are being used to cover up the lack of some gay girls feeling.. as in each other. As in.. yes.. please?!
    5) Oh Kristen Wiig, be still my irregularly beating heart. love her and the two “i’s” in her last name.

  5. I, like Sapphicsass, am shocked that you, someone who loves television (maybe even more) like I do, do not watch Lost. Obviously you need to have a like, a gigantic marathon when season 5 comes to dvd and have a special Lost Feelings column. Because I know you would have a lot of feelings. Also, Elizabeth Mitchell’s role of Juliet Burke is so much more amazing and sexy than her role in V. (Even though I really, really love V and her character in it – Juliet Burke is HBIC)

    • And omg that last lost season is totally worth all the pain… in the world.
      it’s out of this world good :P

    • 1. Good choice. I loved 30 rock in sooo many new ways this week but what killed me was “YOLANDA YOLANDA YOLANDA!”, everything involving Dotcom and Grizz and the sandwich flashback.
      2. Grey’s Anatomy is slightly better, but still not good. They need to get rid of Dr. Owen Hunt and as much as it pains me to say it: Izzie. Hot doctor, crappy storyline.
      3. I wasn’t liking this season of Gossip girl that much but I really liked the last episode. I think Nate should have an Anakyn Skywalker type of transformation on turn completely evil or somn. He’d be a good villain I think.

      • I’m soooo glad I’m not the only person who thinks that Owen should get a big ole standard issue army boot back to Fort Wherever. Soooo boring.

        • ugh yeah Owen is the worst.
          I know right, where did nate come the last few eps w/ all his sneaky moves??

  6. ~Ellen is a hero to us all, and I think we all cried during the ep because 1. it was a sweet story and 2. we wish that it could be normal for these stories to be told and accepted. If this was Will and Jada’s story, I would not have cried.
    ~I just discovered Tabitha about 3 eps ago and I LOVE HER. It is the same every week, but she is hot and scary and good at what she does. Whenever the little bitches are crying “She’s mean, she’s mean” I’m screaming at them “You’re lazy! You’re dirty!” She is there to do a job and kick ass, done and done.
    ~The Office and SNL had me lol’ing. Taylor kicked major teenage ass!
    (As did Pam, what was that? Lovez it!)
    ~How many seasons of Greys are there? I’ve always wanted to hunker down(sp?) and watch them all. I’ve never seen a full ep in my life.

    • I always laugh when the people at the salons are like “she’s such a bitch!” and it’s like, shut up, you volunteered to be on a reality show.
      I can’t believe I forgot to mention Pam slapping Michael. That was so amazing. So many years in the making.
      Currently we’re on season 6 of Grey’s. Seasons 1 and 2 are really good. I don’t remember enough about 3 to be able to vouch for it, 4 is not good, 5 is horrible.

      • Wow, sounds like a show I wanna jump right in to… :)

        I will give it a try, cuz you said so. Sidenote: where can I get tech advice now that you don’t have those posts anymore? Specifically about a mini laptop???

  7. “…Callie is wearing very little on the couch and then they say “I love you” for the first time. Eeeek!”

    I think “eeeek!” just about summed it up. I mean donuts aren’t necessarily my personal food of choice before making out (even there was none of that shown, my imagination ran), but this scene was all about love, I guess. Not food. I was just mildly distracted with a brief “WTF, donuts?!” moment.

    And then my heart melted…

    • I would say bringing me a box of my favorite donuts would at least double your chance of getting in to my pants, so don’t underestimate the power of a good deep fried vat of fatty dough. You know what they say… the way to a woman’s donut is through her favorite donut. No? just me?

      • come on you guyyyysss, Arizona eats donuts when she’s upset. Callie remembered that and that’s why there were donuts. That’s what makes it super sweet.

        • Haha! Agreed…with all of you, actually. And ok, yes, that is super sweet of Callie. Hoping for something a little sweeter from tonight’s episode! haha

  8. I feel like Grey’s Anatomy started out really well (omg they kissed! on the lips!), then plummeted back to shitty plotlines before saving itself with the final scene. “eeek!” is right! I’m curious to see how they handle it in the next episode.

  9. Speaking as someone who may or may not go to Brandeis and also does not watch Gossip Girl, I have many feelings about this “Brandeis” character. Namely confusion, and a little bit of embarrassed excitement.

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