Hello and welcome back to episodic recaps of one of the wildest dating reality programs on television: The Ultimatum: Queer Love. That’s right, I’m your host once again for season two of this series, and unlike the host of the show itself, I’m actually gay! This first recap covers episodes 1-3, and recaps of future episodes will roll out tomorrow and the day after. Also, check out our rundown of who everyone is!

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The Ultimatum: Queer Love Recap – Episode 1

First Dinner

Okay, so it’s not really a dinner that the season two convenes for. More like a tribunal with drinks. Fear not, our inexplicably straight host Joanna Garcia Swisher is here to reintroduce the concept of the show: Every couple has come here to issue an ultimatum. The ultimatum giver wants to get married, and the ultimatum receiver is unsure about marriage for one reason or another. Tomorrow, they will “break up” and proceed to all date each other before The Choice, during which they will pick a fellow cast member as their partner in a Trial Marriage. They will live together for three weeks, snuggle on couches, share a bed, you know, it definitely is exactly like a real marriage to someone. Then they will have a chance at a Trial Marriage with their Original Partners. In the end, they will leave engaged to their Original Partner, alone, or newly in love with a stranger they met via reality television.

During this introductory bit, we’re introduced to a few of the couples, including AJ and Britney, who have been dating for five years. Britney gave the ultimatum to AJ, because as she explains at this first sit-down, she’s very goal-oriented and has accomplished everything she has set out to do, and this is the next goal. AJ, however, feels like she can’t give Britney what she deserves.

We also meet Haley and Pilar, who are only 29-years-old but have been dating for a decade, so like, their entire adult lives. Haley issued the ultimatum to Pilar, who has reservations about getting married because of familial baggage. She hid her relationship for 8 years, came out a few years ago, and her family hasn’t spoken to her since.

Straight Lady Joanna Garcia Swisher then takes it upon herself to explain she, too, can relate to this moment, because her parents both recently passed, and it has made her realize that it’s the new family of her husband and kids that has helped her move through that grief. “I’m not in a queer relationship,” she reminds us. But “I am an old married woman,” she also reminds us, like that’s meant to explain what makes her qualified for this hosting gig. Alrighty then! So glad we cleared that up!

Heterosexual Joanna Garcia Swisher then summons a cavalcade of engagement rings on platters to remind the group that this all ends with a potential proposal. But first, tomorrow they must go through the charade of a pretend breakup from their significant other.

Original Couples Last Night/Morning Together

I do need to note the significance of this season’s location for me personally. Last season was filmed in San Diego, and this season is filmed in Miami, where I used to live. Since every condo building in a particular stretch of Miami looks the same, every time there’s an exterior shot of a condo building on the show, I’m like: IS THAT MY FORMER HOME? It hasn’t been so far.

On their last evening together, we check in with Dayna and Magan, who have been dating for 1.5 years, which seems awfully early to introduce an ultimatum to a relationship, though if you ask me, the right time to introduce an ultimatum in a relationship is never.

Dayna issued the ultimatum, but Magan is in a similar position to Pilar with her family. She is Arab, Lebanese specifically, and she doesn’t feel like she can be fully proudly out in her family. She reminds Dayna that they come from different places. Indeed, the cultural and familial context here feels really meaningful? But Dayna doesn’t really seem to get it? More on this to come, I’m sure.

Bridget and Kyle pop a bottle of champagne to toast to their “last night together” as a couple, which they have been for 2.5 years.

Kyle issued the ultimatum to Bridget, because Kyle has always wanted to get married. Bridget, apparently, has never really wanted to get married. These are the types of conversations I really recommend couples have and heed early on in their relationships, to avoid having to go through the trouble of going on reality television to realize that these are fundamentally opposing positions within a relationship. If it were merely up to her heart, Bridget concedes she would marry. It’s her head that’s getting in the way. She wants to know what marriage would add to the relationship that it doesn’t already have.

I do think a core tenet of this series is that people overthink marriage, which doesn’t really change a relationship all that much, especially if you’re already living together. Take it from me, a happily married gay!

Ashley and Marita have been dating for three years, but Marita — as Ashley puts it — has wandering eyes. And so Ashley has issued an ultimatum in the hopes of keeping those eyes fixed squarely on her.

Marita confesses that, yes, she does have wandering eyes, because isn’t it natural to be curious about what else might be out there in terms of a romantic connection? Here’s the thing, Marita! It sounds like you might be poly? Or you might just be 25.

Their last morning together comes on the heels of Marie and Mel‘s fourth anniversary together, which is also how old their food truck business is! “Our food truck shares our anniversary, it’s something that we’ve overlooked a bit,” they say. True. Sometimes your food truck shares your anniversary and it’s something you’ve overlooked a bit. Marie issued the ultimatum to Mel, who has some reservations about marriage having grown up calling four different women “mom” who all eventually exited her life permanently.

AJ and Britney are having a hard time on their last morning. Britney asks AJ to again explain what the marriage hold up is, and AJ says she feels like she can’t be the knight in shining armor Britney deserves and that Britney might wake up one day and realize she wants something better. I’m sensing a consistent undercurrent of insecurity from AJ. You don’t have to be perfect and have 100% of your shit together to get married! But I don’t need to explain that to AJ, because her partner Britney is right there trying to explain it to her. Britney asks if AJ thinks she could fall for someone else, and AJ says they both could. Britney then accidentally basically describes the premise of the show in her tearful goodbye to AJ:

“I brought us here because I want you and now I’m losing you to hopefully gain you forever.”

Yep, that is indeed the gig!

Speed Dating on a Beach

“HOT-TO-GO” by Chappell Roan plays as the gang descends upon Miami Beach for a little speed dating in the sun. Everyone is BROKEN UP NOW. Their Original Partners are their EXES. They are SINGLE. It’s all very REAL.

I do love Mel and Magan gassing each other up as each other’s handsomest dates. And Britney is feeling good in her thongkini with her whole booty out, as she should! She looks great! “I’m just excited to be dating again,” Marita says, with genuine enthusiasm. Again, girl, you can date while being in a relationship. There are so many Autostraddle articles you should read.

Dayna wants to pretend she doesn’t even know Magan so she can focus on dating. Magan told her not to wear all her hottest swimsuits, but she is indeed wearing her hottest swimsuit. Mel picked out Marie’s swimsuits for her.

On their first speed date together, Mel tells Dayna that “all Daynas are trouble.” I’ve never heard this theory, but I’ll roll with it. While Mel and Dayna are on this date, we keep cutting to Magan, who is FIGHTING BACK TEARS. She is not doing well with seeing her girlfriend — sorry, “ex” — vibing with someone else.

Since family is the issue between Dayna and Magan, Dayna asks Mel about her relationship with her family. But Mel is estranged from her family and has been living on her own since she was 16, supported by her chosen family.

Magan seems like she’s still fighting back tears when on her date with Pilar. In a talking head off to the side, she says she’s indeed feeling jealousy. I swear for this entire episode, every time Magan is on-screen, it feels like there’s a producer just out of shot holding a GUN TO HER HEAD. She hates this! She’s about to cry every second! Someone save her!

Magan and Pilar connect over their family stuff, and these are the moments I really enjoy on this show (other than the messy drama, which is indeed entertaining), because it feels real, and it taps into a very genuine and specifically queer concern about marriage and what it represents. Some people struggle with the idea of getting married — and especially of having a wedding — when family cannot be involved. It can be sooooo hard to shed and go against cultural expectations.

Pilar also goes on a date with Kyle and opens up about how she and Haley were each other’s first queer relationships, so they’ve never really had any experience outside of each other until now. Pilar ends up also interested in Bridget after their speed date, putting her between the two Original Partners. Juicy!

On their speed date, AJ and Marie both discover they live in Orlando. Hey! Same here! Am I about to be in community with a bunch of these people at the next lesbian nightlife party in town (there are a LOT — don’t let the propaganda fool you: Florida is queer as hell). AJ says she bought a house in Orlando. Well, actually, Britney bought the house. Britney is the one with a clear plan. Mostly, I’m just jealous Britney owns a house in Orlando and I do not.

Britney and Mel also bond over living in Orlando and joke they should make a chart between them all. DO IT! Mel wants someone independent and driven by work, and Britney seems to check those boxes. Could we be headed for a one-for-one partner swap between Mel/Marie and Britney/AJ?

Well, we’ll see, because AJ is also vibing with Marita on their speed date, where Marita shares just how much of a grand gesture romantic she is. She created a 98 page book detailing her love story with Ashley. Marita wants someone who is going to give her the same grand romantic gestures she gives them. She may have found that in AJ, who shares her very over-the-top story of how she asked Britney to be her girlfriend, complete with a local artist’s cover of a song they initially bonded over, a downtown club in Orlando, and a hotel. And SHE’S the one who feels icky about a proposal?!

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The Cocktail Mixer

Everyone is then thrown into the figurative bullpen at the end of the episode for a rooftop bar mixer where they can flirt, spiral, and cry. As a group, they discuss their celeb crushes, effectively making me feel old by saying people like Lauren Sanderson, Reneé Rapp, and Fletcher. To be fair, I didn’t even crush on young celebs when I was in my teens and twenties. I’ve always had crushes on famous women 20+ years my senior, so this entire concept of crushing on generational peers is foreign to me.

Marita, already pretty smitten by AJ, makes sure to pull her aside for a private conversation. Ashley admits it’s kind of tough to see Marita connecting with someone else. Some people are indeed Not Doing Well with the premise of the show. Magan’s feet are so cold she can barely stand. She tells Dayna she’s having trouble opening up and like there isn’t really anyone here for her.

Dayna, meanwhile, is hitting it off with Mel some more. Dayna thinks Mel has a confidence about who she is that Magan lacks. I don’t think it’s super fair to compare people who are at different points of estrangement from homophobic family members!

Kyle is torn between wanting Bridget to connect with someone and being jealous of that. Pilar is still caught between being interested in both of them.

Britney spends much of the night watching AJ talk to other girls. She knows AJ has game, and it’s making her uncomfortable. AJ checks in with her, and they have a private talk that results in Britney crying and saying she feels stupid. “You make it look so easy,” she tells AJ. Britney, you’re beautiful! You own a home! If someone doesn’t want to commit to you, that’s a them problem! Walk away! Without the reality television rigamarole!

One Final Plea

The episode ends with Magan making one final plea with Dayna not to go through with this. “Why are we going through this trial marriage?” she asks. Well, because it is the rules for the show you have agreed to be on, is my guess. But the concept of the trial partner is breaking poor Magan’s brain. “They are your trial partner. Marriage. So you’re going to be doing marriage things with them,” she reiterates. To which I say: What marriage things? This is all make believe, pretend marriage. Cohabitating for a few weeks and snuggling on a couch while watching Netflix? I think what she’s actually saying is that she feels like there’s the potential for Dayna to hook up with someone, and she doesn’t want that. “I don’t know if I were to get past certain things if they were to happen,” she says, suggesting physical intimacy would be a dealbreaker for her. “This might be too much for me,” she adds. Girl, I think it is!

I famously approach these recaps from the point of view of someone who does not watch the straight version of the series, but I’ve been informed that in almost every season of The Ultimatum: Heterosexual Love (that’s what it’s called, right?), a couple walks away before getting to the point of the trial. I didn’t know that was an option! I’m sure they take a pay hit for it, but wow, someone like Magan who is expressing this much regret and uncertainty should definitely walk! Dayna should walk with her if she actually has any hope of this relationship lasting! Y’all chose this! But you can also un-choose it!

But perhaps seeing all decisions in life as permanent is exactly what leads people in otherwise functioning relationships to marital ultimatums.

Early predictions for The Choice: It’s pretty heard to get a read on who has chemistry with who at the moment. I think Marie might want to choose AJ, but I think AJ has her eyes on multiple people, definitely Marita. I think Marita would choose her back. I think Pilar will end up choosing Kyle, who would choose her back. Mel might choose Dayna, who would definitely choose her back. I think that’s all I have for now? I’d love to see Magan choose Britney, even though that isn’t really a dynamic we’ve seen on screen yet. I’m just IMAGINING sparks could fly, especially since both seem pretty grown (and are with partners who are less so).

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On the next page: Ultimatum Queer Love Episode 2 Recap

The Ultimatum: Queer Love Recap – Episode 2

We begin the episode dramatically where we dramatically last left off. Magan is essentially begging Dayna to walk. She doesn’t want to do this. She isn’t built for this. “You committed to this,” Dayna says and then, correcting herself when she realizes that sounds too much like she’s talking merely of their contractual obligation to the show, “You committed to me.” She convinces her to stay. Hope this doesn’t come back to bite her!

More Dates

And I shall walk you through them.

AJ + Marita

AJ really likes Marie! And Bridget! And Marita! AJ is having a wonderful time going on so many dates! She compares Marita to like when your mom tells you not to touch the stove and it really makes you want to touch the stove. I’ve never really understood that mentality, though I’m starting to feel like AJ might have a significant Sagittarius placement in her chart. On their date together, Marita opens up about her former pop star aspirations, which were cut short by self-esteem it sounds like. Everyone made fun of Rebecca Black, you know? What if she ended up the next Rebecca Black? (For the record, Rebecca Black is a cool as hell bisexual musician now, so there are worse things to be.)

Marita also opens up about her scars on her chest that she has always had. She used to hide them, but now she embraces them. AJ thinks that’s hot as hell. Agree! We love self-confidence, and this isn’t really a show that delivers it in troves.

Pilar + Kyle

Pilar received an ultimatum, and Kyle gave one, you’ll recall. Pilar explains she broke up with Haley at the four year mark, because she couldn’t bring Haley back home to her family. They got back together and have been together for a decade now, but the situation with her parents is still fraught. Kyle admits family stuff is hard. Even in her situation, where she knew her parents would be fine with it, she couldn’t bring herself to tell them out loud and instead sent them an email. (I let my parents find out on Instagram and by working for Autostraddle.com.) Pilar wrote a letter and left it on her bed. It did not go well. Pilar cries and says she feels as if she has been playing it safe and is ready to not. She’s jumping right into risks by inserting herself between a couple! She’s still weighing both Kyle and Bridget as options for The Choice!

Pilar + Bridget

But the vibe feels more romantic with Kyle than it does with Bridget, who is too similar to Pilar. They both feel that way. Bridget is cool with the idea of Kyle ending up in a trial marriage with someone similar to her though, because that would just be further reassurance that it really is her she wants to marry and not just the concept of marriage. I can see the logic…I think.

Bridget + AJ

Bridget, who used to be a Red Bull girl — sorry, Wings Team Ambassador — feels more of a romantic connection with AJ, who on their date together says quote “I’m big on smell.” She loves fragrances! Not only is she drawn to certain fragrances, but she also is turned on by someone telling her she smells good. She asks Bridget if she sleeps naked or clothed. I gotta say, I’m consistently bewildered by the questions people choose to ask on these speed dates. I wrote this last season, but these would be my first questions:

1. Are you a top/bottom/switch?
2. What is your job?
3. Do you want kids?

Mostly, I am shocked no one really talks about their jobs.

But sure, yeah, no, what do you wear to sleep, that seems like an important question to ask a potential lifelong (three-weeks) partner.

They also discuss how many times a week they like to have sex. AJ is cool with a couple times a week. Bridget would ideally like every day, but she knows that’s hard. Bridget says it’s important to talk about sex because she wasn’t really raised to do so. AJ’s mom, on the other hand, has always been very forward and candid about sex! This shocks Bridget to her core, and same.

Britney + Mel

On a cute date at a brewery, Britney and Mel further bond over both being entrepreneurs. Again we have another ultimatum receiver (Mel) and giver (Britney). Mel reiterates how scared she is by the very concept of marriage. The vows! She’s scared of the vows! There is, however, a discernible reason for this. Mel almost died when she was born, and she has lived with chronic pain ever since. A lot of things about her life feel outside of her control, and she feels certain she won’t live as long as whoever she ends up with, which complicates her feelings about long-term partnership. She doesn’t usually open up about this stuff, so her connection with Britney must be meaningful.

Mel + Dayna

Now on a date with Dayna, Mel finally asks one of my questions: Are you a top or a bottom? Dayna is neither. She is vers. Mel asks outright if it bothers her to be on a date with an ultimatum receiver, and Dayna very boldly declares that she feels like Mel actually does want to get married and will be open to it with the right person. I too can determine if someone I’ve just recently met wants to get married better than they themselves can. Just kidding! I can’t do that! Because that is absurd!

Mel asks Dayna if she feels like she’ll lose independence by getting married, and Dayna is like no! And that I actually do agree with, but please do not think that me agreeing with Dayna is about to become a pattern. What do people think happens when you get married? This show really makes me wonder. In my experience…all it really changed was that now I call my partner “wife” or “husband”, and that’s very fun to do! And also we have (marginally) better legal protections. That’s it!

Magan + Haley

Magan does NOT trust The Process (“The Process” on this show refers to, well, just the premise of the show). Dayna has convinced her to stay, but she’s struggling to let go and be present. But she’s going to try!!!!!

And then, lo and behold…is Haley perhaps chiseling away at Magan’s Process-resistant exterior? I can see Magan’s walls coming down on this date, during which Magan discusses being a personal trainer who wants to take the MCAT and Haley discusses being a food scientist who loves her meat thermometer and food scale. They are talking about jobs! One of the questions on my list! Haley asks the other question on my list: Do you want kids? Yes, Magan wants at least two kids. They’ve found a difference, Haley doesn’t think she wants to have kids. Regardless, Magan is finally having fun! And I love that for Magan!

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Cocktail Party

It’s time for everyone to hang out at one big awkward cocktail party. The Choice nears. Tensions and pressures are high. To prepare, Mel spritzes herself with SIX PUMPS OF COLOGNE? Baby, that’s too much cologne!

At the cocktail party, AJ tells Marie she feels like there’s something they can offer each other. Weirdly vague, but okay. Marie can imagine a life with AJ, who is her top choice at the moment. I have a feeling she’s going to need to get in line?!

Mel and Britney are getting snuggly on a couch, and Britney shares she’s Caribbean and won a twerk contest at carnival. Mel would like to see it. I do think it would either be really smart or really stupid for all these Orlando gays to partner-swap, depending on how it all ends. A trial marriage with someone who lives in your city could lead to a great and long-lasting friendship (or something more). It could also lead to a lot of drama every time you go out to the sapphic function.

Now it is time for the first major Confrontation of the season: Dayna confronts Mel to be like WHY AREN’T YOU TALKING TO ME????? Dayna feels like Mel acts differently one-on-one than she acts in these group settings. (My guess is Dayna saw Mel cozying up to Britney on the couch and did Not Like That.)

“You give me like trust issues,” Dayna says. “I feel like you’re playing games.” This seems like an extreme over-reaction to have toward who is essentially a stranger, but the real kicker and probably best quote of these first few episodes comes next: “I will run your food truck into the river,” Dayna tells Mel, as in, do not fuck with her. Alrighty then! Seems like a good note to start a fake relationship on!

Magan then makes some sort of attempt at inter-masc drama by trying to turn AJ against Mel with her. “I just don’t think she has good intentions,” Magan says of Mel. She thinks she’s moving too fast with girls. AJ kind of agrees, though not quite as adamantly. Magan, just admit you don’t like seeing Mel with Dayna. This doesn’t have to be a whole Thing.

Marita and Bridget have a conversation, in which Bridget realizes the connection Marita describes with AJ is exactly how she has been feeling with AJ. How many people are having this deep connection and romantic vibe with AJ?! This isn’t a game, I guess, but if it was, Bridget would be very good at playing it, because once she realizes AJ has many too viable options for The Choice, she decides to lock in a more certain prospect and immediately seeks out Ashley, who up to this point has barely received any screentime, and effectively locks her in. Smart!

Marita and AJ link up again, and AJ thinks they can take over the world. “Our exes brought us here, they knew the risk,” AJ tells Marita.

Bridget tells Pilar she doesn’t know what was real and what was a performance re:AJ. AJ is indeed our wildcard this season. Let’s see what happens in The Choice.

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The Choice Begins

We only get a little teaser of The Choice at the end of this episode, and it’s kind of exactly what you would expect: multiple women choosing AJ.

Gathered round the lesbian tribunal table with Joanna Garcia “I’m Not Gay” Swisher, The Choice begins. When asked how her week has gone, Bridget passes on the question. AJ shares she immediately bonded with Bridget, who she describes as “the most feminine prince I’d ever seen.” Bridget is going to stop her right there. She’s not here to be the “authenticity police,” but she doesn’t feel like AJ is being authentic. She wishes she had gotten to know the real AJ. This is all very shocking to AJ, who is more used to the other women telling her how much of a connection they feel with her and nothing by way of critical feedback. Bridget has grown frustrated that AJ was doing and saying all the same things to the other girls. “We are all compatible in some shape or form,” AJ says as some sort of defense. Bridget reiterates she isn’t trying to villainize AJ; she just thinks the intensity and physical connections AJ formed with multiple girls were misleading.

I’m sure Magan is eating all this up.

Britney is not surprised, which I actually find to be the funniest part of all this. She’s like, yeah, that’s AJ, she has charisma, of course multiple of y’all fell for her, that’s my GIRL.

AJ now pivots to saying what she likes about Marie, who feels very giddy and honored by all of this. Marita, AJ shares, scares her to death but like in a good way, you know? AJ loves Marita’s over-the-top romance and feels like she doesn’t get that from Britney. Okay, but you get HOUSE OWNERSHIP from Britney!!!!! (Do I sound too 33-years-old here?)

Marita chooses AJ. Marie also chooses AJ. Who will AJ choose? KEEP READING.

And be sure to comment below so we can DISCUSS EVERYTHING about these first three episodes.

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On the next page: Ultimatum Queer Love Episode 3 Recap

The Ultimatum: Queer Love Recap – Episode 3

The Choice Concludes

And not in the way I expected it to. AJ CHOOSES MARIE, LEAVING A VERY BEREFT MARITA.

When you consider all the things AJ continually said to Marita on their dates, this really is a wild move. Did Marita even really go on dates with anyone else?! I do have a theory here: I think perhaps AJ knows she will get physical with Marita due to their particular sexual tension, and she knows this would be a line Britney couldn’t come back from. I think she’s attracted to Marie for sure, but I think the sparks with Marita are so intense that she doesn’t trust herself to go through the Trial Marriage without a full on hook-up.

AJ says Marie brings her best version of herself out.

“I’m not happy,” Marita says, and who can blame her. Bridget assures her she did was true to her. Bridget was smart to identify what was going on with AJ and pivot in a different direction.

We move along to Pilar, who has been vibing with both Kyle and Bridget, but she correctly choose Kyle, who chooses her back.

Bridget chooses Ashley, who chooses her back.

Haley chooses Magan, who chooses her back.

Things are going pretty well so far! For people who aren’t Marita!

We get to our final choice, which is another dramatic one. Mel has bonded with both Dayna and Britney. Dayna and Britney both choose her, so Mel is left with the choice. Only one of them threatened to drive her food truck into a river though, so the choice seems obvious.

AND YET. I HAVE BEEN PROVEN INCORRECT. Mel chooses DAYNA. Dayna says she’s scared, and Marie is like ME TOO.

That leaves Marita and Britney, neither of whom were chosen back by their choice. This is egregious! Now they just have to be thrust into a Trial Marriage neither of them wanted?! And Britney has to LIVE WITH the woman who confessed to being into her girlf—I’m sorry, “ex”-girlfriend?! This isn’t right!

But I suppose it’s just how the lesbian cookie crumbles.

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Trial Marriages Begin

The newly formed couples arrive at their ready-made Miami condos for three weeks of fake marriage. The condos are stocked with all the essentials: blankets, which they can drape over themselves on the couch while having Serious Conversations; alcohol; puzzles with their faces on them?; end of list.

“I’m huge on omelets,” AJ tells Marie, a sentiment I’ve never really heard expressed. Sure, there’s a time and a place for an omelet, but do they really have superfans? They then engage in some Egg Discourse: Does Marie like a hard or a soft scramble? She likes her eggs “well done.”

“Do you like red?” Marita asks Britney, and Britney is like “what wine?” These two have so little chemistry they can’t even talk normally about wine preferences. I don’t blame THEM! I blame the people who made it seem like they were going to choose them and then did not.

How many femmes does it take to open a bottle of red wine? Two, apparently.

Ashley and Bridget decide they’re both comfortable sleeping in the same room. Bridget says the apartment is an upgrade from her house. It comes with so many amenities! A coffee bar! A communal gym!

Pilar wants to address the elephant in the room with Kyle: How do you shit in front of someone you just met? This breaks the tension a bit, but Kyle seems nervous! When they get into bed, they have a very awkward conversation about electric toothbrushes. I think they’re maybe just killing time before cameras go down. I imagine it is indeed awkward to share a bed for the first time with someone you’ve very recently met.

Magan and Haley seem to settle into the newlywed life easily. Haley snores, and Magan talks in her sleep. They both love going to the gym. This is going to work out great I think! Magan says the physical part of connecting with someone is easy; she wants to “dive into the inner work of how I can be a better partner.”

In Mel and Dayna’s marital bed, Mel insists that sleeping with the TV on is the only way. Dayna disagrees, and goddamnit I’m on Dayna’s side again! I don’t want to be on Dayna’s side! Mel felt reassured by Dayna confronting her at the cocktail party. Really? I felt scared. To each their own!

In the morning, Pilar and Kyle wake up and realize they cuddled a bit. Kyle still seems so nervous.

Ashley brings home her dog Bentley to live with her and Bridget. Oh god, I forgot about all the dog drama last season.

Mel and Dayna stayed up until 5 in the morning talking.

Magan is…rapping to Haley in bed. It’s a little cringe, but I really can’t help but feel endeared by Magan.

Winning points with me, a Cat Dyke, Marie explains cat body language to AJ, who of course seizes the opportunity to make a “pussy language” joke.

Britney pads about her pied-à-terre she unwilling shares with Marita, sniffling and, eventually, full-out crying. Marita asks if she wants a hug, and Britney takes her up on it. I know AJ hasn’t done anything like actually harmful/bad, but this immediately makes me want Britney and Marita to team up and take her down in some way. Sorry, I just love a John Tucker Must Die moment!

Read my next recap to find out what happens next!TK

And don’t forget to comment below!

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