Previously on The Fosters, Callie found out she has a half-sister who looks eerily like her and a whole dad who is rich. They claimed her as their own family, even though Stef and Lena had already claimed Callie as their family. Callie and Brandon kissed and close-talked about how they needed to stop kissing and then kissed some more and then close-talked some more, for all eternity. Lena had to terminate her pregnancy to save her life, and then she quit her job, which was maybe because she had to terminate her pregnancy to save her life, but also maybe because Jude and Connor did gay things in a tent on a school trip and she wanted to stop being the principal for a minute so she didn’t have to dime them out to Connor’s abusive dad. Mariana got a cute boyfriend and joined the dance team! Jesus dated a lot of girls and also wrestled! Mike and Anna bonded over addiction and not being very good parents!
At Stately Quinn Manor, an ambulance arrives. Is it for Sophia, who is holding her breath underwater in her bathtub for an awfully long time? It it for Brandon, because I am going to sock him in the nuts if he doesn’t stop making out with Callie? Is it for Jude, whose pure heart is too good for this world? No. It is for Robert Quinn; his diamond shoes were cutting off the circulation to his feet and it caused him to have a panic attack. Also probably the fact that Callie shouted at him to fucking let her get adopted just once in her miserable goddamn life, that caused him to have a panic attack too.
Back at home, Lena and Stef tell the children to get out of their fancy season finale clothes and into something more comfortable while they cook up some dinner. The children all scamper off to their own individual dramas.
Callie, for example, is feeling kinda down because she has been shuffled around the foster care system ever since the day her parents died in a horrific accident and when she finally found a safe place to land with one of the most loving couples on this big earth, her biological father decided to stop her from getting adopted by them. So she plays the sad guitar sadly on the porch, until Brandon comes out and tells her to please not give up. I don’t know if he means give up on getting adopted by Stef and Lena, or give up on them, but it kind of seems like that first thing, so I’m just going to take that gift and run.
Jude’s drama is that tent and the gay stuff he possibly did inside it, and also that his sister can’t catch a damn break. He’s like, “That guy signed the papers before fake!Callie ripped them up; shouldn’t that count for something?” Lena assure him everything’s gonna be alright, not just with Callie but also with the whole Connor thing. She’s not the principal anymore so she doesn’t have to tell Connor’s dad shit about shit. She also wants him to know it’s not that doing possibly gay stuff inside a tent is a bad thing, no shame in possibly gay stuff whatsoever at all, but maybe a school camping trip isn’t the best place to start sorting that out. Oh, Lena. You obviously have not been reading Lumberjanes. Or attending A-Camp. Or, like, were never a teenage lesbian. Camping trips are the perfect place to sort that stuff out.
The very next morning after Robert’s too-tight diamond shoes gave him the heart palpitations, Stef bebops on over to Stately Quinn Manor to cut off the the circulation in Robert’s balls.
Stef: You know we love Callie and that she loves us and that she wants us to be her parents forever.
Robert: Well, too damn bad, because I am used to getting what I want — as you can see by the magnitude of this house and also by the fact that I own a literal yacht — and what I want is to feel good about myself about being Callie’s dad.
Stef: You do realize that makes you a terrible parent, right?
Robert: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of the solid gold coins clinking in my pocket.
Stef: Oh, I actually hate your guts.
Robert: You’ll hate them more in the morning, when you hear from my lawyer.
Stef: Come at me! I flavor my coffee with man-tears!
Foster-Adams Cozy Cabin of Emotional and Physical Nourishment.
Mariana and Tia dance together in the yard, getting prepped for Regionals, I think. I continue to not begrudge Mariana this beautiful, loyal, gifted friend who wants to help her be the best goddamn dancer at the American Ballet Academy, but I also continue to wish Tia would go to Rosewood and hook up with Emily Fields. I’ve been wanting this for a while, and now that Emily needs an intermediate fling to get her through the next four years of spring semester until she can reunite with Paige at Stanford, I am wanting it more than ever. The problem, of course, is that Tia is both a person of color and age-appropriate, so she will never make it as a lover in Rosewood. (I would settle for her becoming a little something more for Mariana, though.)
Jesus and Brandon lift weights in the garage and talk about whether or not AA is a thing that works. Jesus needs it to work real bad because of how he’s all in on helping Anna conquer her lifelong addiction, and Brandon need it to keep working real bad because his dad is already a handful and he’s been sober for a while.
At Someone’s Little Sister practice — in case you have forgotten, Someone’s Little Sister is the name of Brandon and Lou and Mat’s band — Brandon and Lou sing a song about how it is exhausting when you’re in a crowd and people start shooting cannons at each other, or when you’re in a cloud and it starts lightning. Mariana thinks they are so good together, and so does Lou, but Mat is very worried about becoming the next Fleetwood Mac. Mariana doesn’t laugh in his face about “You wish” because she doesn’t know who Fleetwood Mac is. Mat says he also doesn’t want to end up like No Doubt, another band Mariana has never even heard of.