Previously on The Fosters, Callie found out she has a half-sister who looks eerily like her and a whole dad who is rich. They claimed her as their own family, even though Stef and Lena had already claimed Callie as their family. Callie and Brandon kissed and close-talked about how they needed to stop kissing and then kissed some more and then close-talked some more, for all eternity. Lena had to terminate her pregnancy to save her life, and then she quit her job, which was maybe because she had to terminate her pregnancy to save her life, but also maybe because Jude and Connor did gay things in a tent on a school trip and she wanted to stop being the principal for a minute so she didn’t have to dime them out to Connor’s abusive dad. Mariana got a cute boyfriend and joined the dance team! Jesus dated a lot of girls and also wrestled! Mike and Anna bonded over addiction and not being very good parents!

At Stately Quinn Manor, an ambulance arrives. Is it for Sophia, who is holding her breath underwater in her bathtub for an awfully long time? It it for Brandon, because I am going to sock him in the nuts if he doesn’t stop making out with Callie? Is it for Jude, whose pure heart is too good for this world? No. It is for Robert Quinn; his diamond shoes were cutting off the circulation to his feet and it caused him to have a panic attack. Also probably the fact that Callie shouted at him to fucking let her get adopted just once in her miserable goddamn life, that caused him to have a panic attack too.

How about you feed yourselves for once while Mom and Mama get out the sewing kit? Sometimes you just need to scissor, children.

Back at home, Lena and Stef tell the children to get out of their fancy season finale clothes and into something more comfortable while they cook up some dinner. The children all scamper off to their own individual dramas.

Callie, for example, is feeling kinda down because she has been shuffled around the foster care system ever since the day her parents died in a horrific accident and when she finally found a safe place to land with one of the most loving couples on this big earth, her biological father decided to stop her from getting adopted by them. So she plays the sad guitar sadly on the porch, until Brandon comes out and tells her to please not give up. I don’t know if he means give up on getting adopted by Stef and Lena, or give up on them, but it kind of seems like that first thing, so I’m just going to take that gift and run.

I don’t know if we have Brokeback Mountain on Blu-Ray, honey. We have Imagine Me & You. We have D.E.B.S.

Jude’s drama is that tent and the gay stuff he possibly did inside it, and also that his sister can’t catch a damn break. He’s like, “That guy signed the papers before fake!Callie ripped them up; shouldn’t that count for something?” Lena assure him everything’s gonna be alright, not just with Callie but also with the whole Connor thing. She’s not the principal anymore so she doesn’t have to tell Connor’s dad shit about shit. She also wants him to know it’s not that doing possibly gay stuff inside a tent is a bad thing, no shame in possibly gay stuff whatsoever at all, but maybe a school camping trip isn’t the best place to start sorting that out. Oh, Lena. You obviously have not been reading Lumberjanes. Or attending A-Camp. Or, like, were never a teenage lesbian. Camping trips are the perfect place to sort that stuff out.

How to Get Away With Murder, Step One: Smile.

The very next morning after Robert’s too-tight diamond shoes gave him the heart palpitations, Stef bebops on over to Stately Quinn Manor to cut off the the circulation in Robert’s balls.

Stef: You know we love Callie and that she loves us and that she wants us to be her parents forever.
Robert: Well, too damn bad, because I am used to getting what I want — as you can see by the magnitude of this house and also by the fact that I own a literal yacht — and what I want is to feel good about myself about being Callie’s dad.
Stef: You do realize that makes you a terrible parent, right?
Robert: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of the solid gold coins clinking in my pocket.
Stef: Oh, I actually hate your guts.
Robert: You’ll hate them more in the morning, when you hear from my lawyer.
Stef: Come at me! I flavor my coffee with man-tears!

Foster-Adams Cozy Cabin of Emotional and Physical Nourishment.

There is no such thing as a whole town full of lesbians.

You’re not listening to me! All the black ones die!

Mariana and Tia dance together in the yard, getting prepped for Regionals, I think. I continue to not begrudge Mariana this beautiful, loyal, gifted friend who wants to help her be the best goddamn dancer at the American Ballet Academy, but I also continue to wish Tia would go to Rosewood and hook up with Emily Fields. I’ve been wanting this for a while, and now that Emily needs an intermediate fling to get her through the next four years of spring semester until she can reunite with Paige at Stanford, I am wanting it more than ever. The problem, of course, is that Tia is both a person of color and age-appropriate, so she will never make it as a lover in Rosewood. (I would settle for her becoming a little something more for Mariana, though.)

Jesus and Brandon lift weights in the garage and talk about whether or not AA is a thing that works. Jesus needs it to work real bad because of how he’s all in on helping Anna conquer her lifelong addiction, and Brandon need it to keep working real bad because his dad is already a handful and he’s been sober for a while.

No, Brandon, you always get to do the Elsa parts!

At Someone’s Little Sister practice — in case you have forgotten, Someone’s Little Sister is the name of Brandon and Lou and Mat’s band — Brandon and Lou sing a song about how it is exhausting when you’re in a crowd and people start shooting cannons at each other, or when you’re in a cloud and it starts lightning. Mariana thinks they are so good together, and so does Lou, but Mat is very worried about becoming the next Fleetwood Mac. Mariana doesn’t laugh in his face about “You wish” because she doesn’t know who Fleetwood Mac is. Mat says he also doesn’t want to end up like No Doubt, another band Mariana has never even heard of.

My god, Mariana probably only even knows Gewn Stefani because of The Voice! Netflix was right to suggest “Elderly Lady Emotions” as a movie category for me yesterday!

You are not “literally always” right.

I’m sorry, but I think you have a concussion.

Stef and Lena are mad, mad, mad. Lena is mad because Stef knocked down the door of Stately Quinn Manor with her head and charged in to yell at Robert about being the worst. Stef thinks being lectured about making impulsive decisions to protect their kids without pausing to think about how it will hurt their kids is real rich coming from someone who just quit her job over a possibly gay camping trip. Lena grabs some blankets and starts to march to the couch, and Stef is like, “Oh, good idea! When one of our eleven kids peeps you sleeping on the couch, that’ll really calm their nerves about their relentless burdens! Except for Brandon, who wouldn’t recognize a burden if it slapped him in the face!” So they build a wall of pillows between them and snip about: “Don’t even touch me tonight.” And: “Oh, don’t you worry about that.”

This scene made me laugh in such a jolly, hearty way. It’s just so real, and also I’ve been waiting for so long to see this couple on my television. I remember this one TV writer telling me one time like, “I can’t just have the lesbian couple sit on the couch and cuddle with each other for a whole season! Nobody wants to watch that!” And I was all, “But can you let them cuddle on the couch for just five minutes?!” Because yeah, yeah, story is conflict. I KNOW. It’s just that when lesbian couples argue on TV it usually means they’re breaking up and we’ll never see at least one of them ever again, but I like that Lena and Stef argue like I argue with my girlfriend. I know they’re not going anywhere and my girlfriend knows I’m not going anywhere, ’cause that’s real life. Sometimes you build a pillow wall because you’re both being brats.

Okay, and Tami Taylor wasn’t “literally always” right, either.

Sometimes it’s like you can’t even hear yourself talking, Stephanie.

You always knew Coach and Tami were going to be okay on Friday Night Lights; they were the sun and the volatility just orbited around them, influencing them, but never really touching them. Best TV couple ever, those two. Stef and Lena have a lot of Coach and Tami in them. (Or, well, reversed. Stef : Coach :: Lena : Tami.)

At Anchor Beach Community Charter School, everyone is possessed by the spirit of Aria Montgomery. Jesus’ girlfriend is so excited that his whole family coming to watch her dance at Regionals this weekend, even though his whole family is really coming to watch Mariana dance at Regionals this weekend. Brandon’s music teacher wants him to apply to camp for musical masterminds, but he can’t think about enriching his future right now because he can only think about his love life. And Mariana is taking orders from an angry blonde girl who keeps changing personalities like masks of her own face and dicking everyone around about when it’s their turn to have a solo. Mercifully, no one is wearing skull print blouses with mismatched skull print cardigans.

Maybe next time we’ll include a girl in it. Maybe next time we’ll have a threesome.

The only threesome I want is me, you and Netflix!

Perfect human person Jude Foster-Adams is not possessed by the spirit of Aria Montgomery because his heart repels solipsism like Gore-Tex repels water. His soul is made of Patronus dust! He tries to blow past Connor, to not make it weird for him, that whole possibly gay tent thing, but Connor loves him and wants to be his best friend; he just wants him to stop telling his moms everything. Jude says that will not be a problem, but that’s because he doesn’t know Lena has arrived at school and they have immediately reinstated her as President of Everything (which is correct, of course, but hard on sweet Jude’s possibly blossoming possibly gay love).

Lena calls Connor’s dad in for a meeting, and it’s just:

Boobs? I mean, they’re whatever. Nope. Wait, nope. Awesome! Boobs are awesome!

Lena: Okay, Jude, please tell Connor’s dad what happened in the tent.
Jude: Some girls came in and ruined what should have been a romantic evening in the woods! Just kidding, some girls came in and we made out with them like the normal heterosexual boys we are.
Connor’s dad: That is just what I wanted to hear! No one’s going to have to run away from a spanking tonight and trip and bust his head open on a doorknob, that’s for sure!
Lena: We’re going to get better about chaperoning our field trips.
Connor’s dad: Whatever, as long as my kid likes tits!

Connor calls Jude a bitch after the meeting! A bitch! I will kick your shins with my cowboy boots on if you ever speak like that to Jude again, Connor! I MEAN IT. I know you are a young child, figuring out your sexuality, but I will hex you in your face! I WILL! DON’T TEST ME, I WILL. I WILL HEX YOU, CONNOR.

Callie attends a custody hearing with a judge and Stef and Lena and Robert and Sophia and Jill. Just an old white man deciding her entire fate after listening to testimony from a dozen people who aren’t her. Welcome to being a woman in America, Callie! The judge says Callie can stay with Lena and Stef until the season finale, but she has to hang out with the Quinns at least every other episode. Callie says fine, she’ll do that, but only with Robert and definitely not with Sophia, who seems like maybe she’s got some stuff going on that her parents need to pay attention to, instead of focusing on Callie.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “That we should buy a second helicopter?” “Yes!”

Dance Regionals are full of drama! For one thing, the group’s leader wants to pull Mariana’s solo after rearranging everyone’s solos just yesterday! Well, but Tia’s not having that dictatorial garbage! She quits, on Mariana’s behalf! But Mariana does not quit! Instead, she uses her superbrain to do complicated geometry on the fly to compensate for losing a team member in their dance configuration! She keeps her solo! She nails it! They win Regionals!

#EndOfMen

But see, Mariana was playing the long game. She read the rules because of her superbrain and the rules say a team is qualified for Nationals even if only one dancer was on the Regionals team, so she’s gonna start her own team with Tia. (And makeout with her, fingers crossed.)

Better.

Best.

Everyone cheers in the audience, except for:

Jesus, who skipped the competition to go support Anna at AA, where he found out she is pregnant with a baby and that’s how come she finally got clean.

And Callie, who is working at the food truck, where Sophia finds her and threatens to kill herself if Callie won’t be her full-time sister. Callie thinks she’s full of shit, so she turns around to do her server-type duties — and Sophia walks right the hell out into traffic and causes a pileup of cars. Holy Degrassi, Sophia! What the shit! Her parents come running, of course, and she weaves a yarn about how she fought with Callie and was too upset to pay attention to the dozens of vehicles whizzing by. It seems like Callie is going to let her lie go unchecked, but at the last second, she tells them the truth.

That is so weird. Even the inside of your nose looks like mine.

We’re sestras! I told you!

This girl who plays Sophia is really great. Her eyes just go dead and she’s like, “I can’t handle life anymore. Sometimes I just want to be not alive.” It could come off really melodramatic and manipulative, this whole thing, but instead it’s super sad and true to life. Robert breaks down when Jill takes Sophia to the car, and Callie puts her hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

At home, Stef and Lena look every one of their kids in the eyes over and dinner and tell them if they ever get lost in the fog of depression, or if they ever feel like all their hope is gone, they have to come to them so they can help them. It’s a tough conversation and the show doesn’t ease up on it by being self-deprecating or lightening the mood with a joke. It’s a hard, uncomfortable thing to talk about, but we have to talk about it. And as a person who has struggled with depression her whole life, and whose life has been changed forever by a loved one committing suicide, I really, really appreciate this frankness. It’s brave to let that sit in the air for such a pronounced beat.

And, look, if you are struggling with thoughts of suicide or know someone who is, reach out for help. Do it over the phone or on the internet or through text message or whatever. Just do it. There’s no one in the world more you-er than you; and we need you!

Guess I’ll go outside and listen to Brandon chide me for not being able to commit to things now. Can’t imagine why it’s hard for me to COMMIT to things.

Jesus lies about why he missed Regionals, Brandon tries to convince his moms to let him go on a band tour this summer, and Callie and Brandon decide to call it quits again. I don’t know where Jude is, and neither does Lena; she just wants to break down the pillow wall and make-up with her wife. Or, hells bells, man, maybe she just wants a bubble bath and a nap. I’ll bet she feels like she’s been stuck in a crowd with people firing cannons at her all day. I’ll bet she feels like she’s trapped in some lightning crossfire. Someone should write a song about it.

Clear eyes, full hearts, I took down the pillow wall.

Next week: Lena explains to Mariana why boys aren’t good enough for her, and Rapunzel tries to get Callie to run away with him again.

Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!