Letter From Your Editors

Hello!

HOLY MOSES IT’S OUR LAST INSIDER OF 2014! Here’s some holiday memories we’d like to share with you:

What a year it’s been, weirdos! We wrote some gripping personal essays, celebrated the ten-year anniversary of The L Word, celebrated the five-year anniversary of our own birth with a bunch of Top Fives, welcomed the QTPOC Speakeasy, pulled off our biggest bestest A-Camp ever, honored brunch for a whole entire month, sold merchandise expressing a variety of gender identities (tomboy femme), hobbies (misandry, scissoring) and concepts (safe spaces, vapid fluff), watched the pilot episode of Brittani Nichols’ Words With Girls, debuted the first issue of our ‘zine series BETTER TOGETHER with Everyone is Gay and launched this here Autostraddle Plus membership program. Plus like a million other things.

Also, thanks to the support of our readers, we’re able to close this year proudly saying that we’re paying four full-time editors a living wage: Laneia Jones, Rachel Kincaid, Yvonne Marquez and Heather Hogan. We’ve also paid over 70 queer folks to write, draw, develop and design for Autostraddle.com this year, and we’re really happy to report that since bringing on a bunch of new Contributing Editors this summer, 45% of our content every month has been by women of color — double what it was two years ago.

We’re up to 841 paid A+ members and will be doing a membership push soon, perhaps in conjunction with the project-specific fundraising campaign we’ll do next year. This month on A+, our team brought y’all Audrey’s essay about those lingering post-breakup cyber-connections, Gabby’s intereview with her ex-girlfriend, and A+ Bee Issues Nine and Ten.

This year has been so weird and full of strange surprises and developments that I’m not really sure how to process it quite yet. In the meantime, here are some really thrilling news that will probably lead to an explosion of stars within your soul:

• The first episode of the A+ Podcast will debut THIS VERY WEEK. You’ll be able to listen to it while traveling, which sounds fun doesn’t it.
• The Recamps will debut leading up to A-Camp May/June 2015 registration, which will open on January 26th. (Alex will be putting up the dates and the new A-Camp logo on our website ASAP.)
• We have a Christmukkah present for you, but you won’t be able to open it ’til Christmas Day!

Thank you SO SO SO MUCH for being a part of this community. You’re the best bosses we’ve ever had.

Happy holidays and a very happy New Year!

Love,

Riese / Laneia / Rachel / Yvonne / Heather

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Top 10 Most Popular Posts From November 2014

These posts were hella popular last month.

1. You Need Help: So Your Girlfriend Never Ever Ever Wants To Have Sex, by Riese Bernard
2. The 50 Best Photos Of Lesbian Subtext in Sears Christmas Wish Book History, by Heather Hogan
3. 15 Things You Learn When You Move In With Your Girlfriend, by Kate Severance
4. 8 Pretty Great Lesbian Movies You Haven’t Seen Yet, by Riese Bernard
5. Lots Of Straight Girls Wanna Have Lesbian Sex, Yet Another Study Shows, by Riese Bernard
6. 9 Not-Terrible Things That Happened in Last Night’s Election, by Heather Hogan and Rachel Kincaid
7. Evan Rachel Wood and Kate Moennig Break Up, Earth Implodes, Sadness Ensues, by Stef Schwartz
8. Mel B Says She Was A Lesbian For ‘A Few Years,’ That’s Not How Any Of This Works, by Stef Schwartz
9. Fan Fiction Friday: Glee’s 10 Hottest Lesbian Sex Scenes, by Heather Hogan
10. Why Lyft and Uber Endanger Both Passengers and Drivers: A Former Lyft Driver Speaks Out, by Stef Schwartz

Stef: I just got a private message on AS from someone named jeff trying to hire me for a los angeles limousine service
Mey: Take the job!
Stef: All I have to do is move back
to live my dream of driving awful rich people around… again

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Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Heather: Thank you for being the absolute best with social media, Carmen! My sister flew into New York today for the first time and I have her all settled in now.
Carmen: Awww! Hi heather’s sister you were a cute child and I bet are a cute adult!
Brittani: You can’t just hit on people’s sisters, Carmen
Stef: Sure you can
Brittani: Oh ok nvm

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Carmen: Is this secretly for lesbians
Lauram: I would not describe that red precision folding ruler as “hypermasculine.” I would describe it as “overpriced but clearly intended for lesbian DIY craft projects.”
Carmen: Yeah and like, bourbon? i thought lesbians invented drinking bourbon in plaid clothing with boots on
Audrey: My friends here were talking about “lumbersexuales” the other night and I just don’t understand how such a dumb subculture concept travelled so quickly.
Rachel: I still have managed to avoid reading any thinkpieces on this and so am not sure what a lumbersexual is supposed to be
is it just a straight person wearing flannel?
Audrey: Straight dudes who wear flannel, have beards and like drink whiskey while they copy dylan thomas poems into their journals without attribution
Rachel: So, just straight dudes
Audrey: p much

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Riese: “Riese’s fascination with hating Lost and Delirious got tired about 5 years ago.” – a commenter
Just so we’re all on the same page, that is about as long as we have existed
Regardless, I’m not fascinated so much as passionate
Think of the ravens
Heather: Hello, everyone. I just woke up from a drug-induced sleep and read “Riese’s fornication with lost and delirious…” and that was quite a thing!

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Kaelyn: Hmm. OK, so after further investigation, it’s clear the BIcenter is a social/support group of the Pittsburgh LGBT Center, not a freestanding bi organization/space. Is this still newsworthy?
Rachel: meh maybe not
thank you for your hard-hitting investigative journalism that brought us to this understanding, though
Kaelyn: I’m right on top of that, Rose
I am kind of disappointed, TBH. Can somebody create a freestanding bi space? Or give space to the Bisexual Resource Center? No, we’ll just keep flying under the radar in gay and lesbian orgs…sigh…
Rachel: Maybe somebody has like a walk-in closet we could use

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Riese: I don’t understand what they don’t understand, we have addressed these concerns about A+ so many times!
Rachel: Maybe this is a personal growth experience that helps us better understand how obama feels
Riese: I feel for obama all the time
Kaitlyn: In all things, remember obama
Riese: I feel a kinship with what i imagine to be the length of his to-do list and the multifarious demands of his constituents
Kaitlyn: I don’t know what’s in the air lately, but my general level of excitement about and pride for all y’all has absolutely skyrocketed, and i feel more grateful now than ever to be a part of this thing we do. That means i’m extra sensitive to critiques of what we do, but if that’s the price I pay for loving autostraddle this much, so be it.
Riese: WELL DANG, KAITLYN
Brittani: I think everyone should tuck away my favorite phrase for when someone is mad at you but for something you can’t really do anything about. “That’s fine.” #Bspowerplays
Riese: This is solid advice
Rachel: Is it better with or without the period do you think
that’s fine.
that’s fine
Brittani: Without the period is def more of a brush off so depends on how mad you want them to get
Rachel: thank you b this is very helpful
I feel very centered now #centered

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Riese: Hello I have three sex-related You Need Help questions I need somebody to answer [links the people to the questions]
Carolyn: I can answer strap on blowjobs and two bottoms one relationship, for the medium term
Riese: Awesome
Kaelyn: Lol at “two bottoms one relationship,” which I would totally watch.
Riese: Yes please call it that
Carolyn: Done
Rachel: What if Carolyn was like a Sex Fairy who flew around the world, magically appearing in sexy situations you didn’t know how to handle
what then
Carolyn: The voyeur in me would be so into that
Kaelyn: I would also watch that movie.
How would you call her? How would she know to come? What would be your batsignal, carolyn? Should I put my dildo under my pillow?
Carolyn: Every time a vibrator dies two seconds before you come, I’ll be there (with bat-teries)
every time something horrible happens in a silicone on silicone situation by people who don’t know science
Kaelyn: OMFG
Carolyn: Probably I will leave a trail of organic lubes in my wake
Carmen: Oh my god
Kaelyn: I believe! I believe! :clap::clap::clap:
Stef: That is actually pretty much what carolyn does
Riese: Leaves trails of organic lube in her wake?
Carolyn: Only when Shannon is around
Stef: Well yeah
Carolyn: * especially when
Stef: Wow
Alley: All of this is the best but I am especially laughing at the “2 bottoms 1 relationship” because it is so funny but also, like, the story of everything…

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Mey: Oh man, I have this one cousin who’s 18 and who, I’m like, 99% sure, is queer and most of the family is just waiting for her to come out any minute and then today she left a voicemail for me saying she needed to ask me about something and I was like “oh man, is this it? Is she going to ask about coming out?” So I called her back and she said, “hey, do you remember back in the 90s when a rap group was sued for being too obscene? And it went to the Supreme Court or something? Do you remember who that was?” So basically she just called to ask if I remembered 2 Live Crew. It was the most anticlimactic moment of my year so far.
Rachel: It was probably a really big moment for 2 Live Crew though

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Kate: HEY EVERYONE, IT’S A GREAT DAY FOR GILLIAN ANDERSON FANS TO START WATCHING THE FALL
A GREAT DAY FOR ANY PERSON IN GENERAL
ALSO IF YOU ENJOY ARCHIE PANJABI AND WANT TO SEE HER PLAY MORE QUEER ROLES
INVOLVING GILLIAN ANDERSON
A GREAT DAY INDEED
Kaelyn: This is big news for my boo who is in the unofficial official 90’s Kid with First Lesbian Crush on Gillian Anderson Fan Club. I will pass this on.
Alley: Can’t decide whether to wait for it to be in the USA legit on Netflix in January or download now…

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Audrey: Glitter Dome would be a really good name for a DIY/craft series
Rachel: Mad Max and the Glitterdome also sounds like the premise for a weird queer dystopian porno
Laneia: Omg and the ubiquitous sparkly purple dildo would finally have its time to shine
so to speak
Rachel: It could be the genesis of all those artsy photosets on tumblr of genitals covered in glitter
Laneia: God we have so many good ideas around here
Rachel: I hope someone is writing all this down

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Meet Some New Contributors!

Get to know some of our newest faces.

Raquel, Intern

Tumblr: callmequell
Twitter: @raqueldesigns
Instagram: raquelbreternitz
Pinterest: callmequell

If you could only use one emoji for the rest of your life, what would it be?
This is a very difficult question for me, because I am deeply invested in emoji. I used to use the little worried man a lot, because I had the same haircut and go through life riddled with anxiety. But since I’ve cut my hair, I guess its place has been taken by the awk emoji. In terms of usage I use that one A LOT, closely followed by the dancing girls and the sparkly heart.

If I had to choose, however, I think I’d choose the cactus. I just kind of think it’s great. Texas forever.

What is your favorite kind of sandwich?
My ex got mad at me once for stealing her word for this, but I don’t care: LOADED.

There’s a great little vintage-style sandwich shop in Austin called Avenue B where I have my own sandwich order, called the “quail”: honeynut bread, slices on slices of thin-cut ham, salami, two kinds of cheese (cheddar and monterey jack, I think?), olives, baby spinach, tomatoes, and garlic habanero mayo. It’s embarrassing and impossible to eat all at once and the best.

In my perfect world the bread is lightly toasted and smothered in butter before slathered in habanero mayo. I am not a healthy person.

I actually have a theory that sandwiches are the perfect food: variety, portability, health, taste. I can go on at length about this, in case anyone wanted to take me on a date and were running out of topics.

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on.
Oh boy. Probably my first and only real valentine’s day date, my senior year of high school, that I think I brought into being by pure force of will, with a guy named Angel who straightened his hair, played the guitar, and sometimes wore eyeliner. I was crazy about him. Of course.

But then he took me to Chili’s, which is gross, and where he refused to pay for me. I basically sat in silence and watched him eat, having lost my appetite. We got to the movie theater way too early so we sit in his car for an hour in the parking lot watching episodes of The Office (USA) on his white iPod classic, one earbud in each of our ears. We finish the episode and he somehow gets me to buy his movie ticket, I guess he spent all his money on Chili’s?

He spends the rest of our time before the movie essentially ignoring me and playing Ms. Pacman. Luckily the movie was Music & Lyrics, which I enjoyed thorougly NO THANKS TO HIM. I think the only other time I ever talked to him after that was to send him a myspace message saying I thought we should just be friends.

Oh, the aughts. Long story short: end all men.

What’s your favorite sex toy?
I’m more of a hands-on kind of gal.

What’s your #1 turn-on?
Intelligently-negotiated talent.
but also (by my track record), strong jaws and green eyes.

What’s your #1 turn-off?

Easily bigotry. Or maybe cargo shorts.

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Nikki, Intern

Tumblr: nikkidots
Twitter: @nikkidots

If you could only use one emoji for the rest of your life, what would it be?
It would be the open-mouthed squint-eyed laughing emoji. I believe that is the emoji of my soul. I laugh all the time. Trust me on this. People can locate me based on my laughter. I am a homing beacon of fun. I love to laugh and I never want to apologize for my laughter.

What is your favorite kind of sandwich?
One that is made for me. I will eat it because you made it.

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on.
Once upon a time when I thought I liked dudes I asked this guy out. We were supposed to meet somewhere and go out to dinner. Well, I waited and waited and waited. I got stood up. Do you know what that does to a person’s self esteem? Did you see how cute I am? I AM CUTE RIGHT?!?!

What’s your favorite sex toy?
I like a classic Rabbit Vibrator.  It never fails me.

What’s your #1 turn-on?
I love alternative cut hairstyles.

What’s your #1 turn-off?
People who are arrogant and have no sense of the feelings of others

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Coco Layne, Writer

Website: lolitabandita.co
Twitter: lolitabandita
Instagram: lolitabandita
Facebook: lolitabandita

If you could only use one emoji for the rest of your life, what would it be?

What is your favorite kind of sandwich?
I don’t really eat sandwiches cause my body goes crazy when I eat carbs but I dream about fried chicken sandwiches on the regs.

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on.
The first date I ever went on was when I was a baby gay and the girl I went out with was also a baby gay. We both just had no idea how to interact with each other and the more nervous we became the more excruciatingly awkward it was. The date involved bubble tea and watching a movie about stoners ft. anna farris. Then we painfully attempted to makeout/hookup when we both had no idea what we were doing and my mouth was all dry from being nervous cause my mom was in the next room. We both just gave up and she went home and I never went out with her again lol.

What’s your favorite sex toy?
I’ve only ever played with a vibrator I forget the name of from A Touch Of Romance and the basic strap on from babeland so my experience has been limited. They’ve both been pretty cool though. I have been meaning to conduct some more research on this to formulate a more informed opinion though…

What’s your #1 turn-on?
guts

What’s your #1 turn-off?
scrubs

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Kari, Writer

Instagram: hunkahunkah

If you could only use one emoji for the rest of your life, what would it be?

What is your favorite kind of sandwich?
I had to take a survey on this, and survey says cuban sandwich. Or anything with a fried egg on it. Good sandwich + fried egg = great sandwich.

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on.
The one where after dinner my date had a really long excuse about how they’d left their wallet at the gym and couldn’t pay for dinner. Then afterwards they asked me for gas money to drive me home. Basically I feel like I got kidnapped and had to pay my ransom in dinner and gas.

What’s your favorite sex toy?
Sex toys, sex toys, sex toys. Maybe I’m just not versed enough to have a “favorite” sex toy? I prefer hand and mouth play with toys thrown in once in a while. Light bdsm always, so maybe restraints?

What’s your #1 turn-on?
Confidence. Nothing is sexier than a woman with confidence, plus I like the challenge of a person who is content, aware of themselves, their attributes, without being smug about it. Oh and that dip between the stomach and the hip, that sweet little spot on the inside, it’s magical.

What’s your #1 turn-off?
Rude, impolite, obnoxious people that are not cognizant of the space they occupy in a room, whether physically or verbally. This annoys me so much that I am incredibly cautious of just how much I talk in a conversation, and tend to over-apologize

“Once I met a hot gay butcher and her hot girlfriend totally by accident when I was sitting at the same outdoor eating area as them and the girlfriend mentioned a cold-brewed coffee recipe on Autostraddle that I had written, and it was amazing and beautiful. The end.”
-Rachel Kincaid

Top 15 Most Popular Posts of 2014 Written In 2014

1. 25 Pictures of Lesbian Sex According To Stock Photography, by Riese Bernard & Laneia (July)

This post won the SEO lottery and had a nice long run until it was demolished by Cosmopolitan’s new commitment to Lesbian Sex Tips. NO HOMO.

2. And Now, Ever Character From Orange is the New Black As They Appear On Law and Order, by Stef Schwartz (August)

This post was epic and everybody read it because it was the best post ever of all time. 60% of incoming traffic to this post came from Facebook, but it was also featured on The Verge, Digg, Jezebel, The AV Club and Metafilter.

3. Flawless Trans Women Carmen Carrera and Laverne Cox Respond Flawlessly To Katie Couric’s Invasive Questions, by Mey Rude (January)

Mey was the first person to jump on this story and tell it like it is, and thus it quickly caught on. All of us were surprised to see it shared over and over and over not only by our queer friends, but by straight allies as well. The majority of referral traffic came from Facebook and Tumblr, but it got some high-profile linkage as well, from Slate, Tyler Oakley and Salon.

4. Five Lesbian Films You Might Have Missed in 2013, by Kate Severance (January)

This post has mad Search Engine Game. MAD. SEARCH. ENGINE. GAME. 85% of traffic to this post comes from google.

5. 9 Totally Normal and Not Gross Things That Happen During Sex We Promise It’s Natural, by Carolyn (December)

70% of this post’s traffic came from facebook — but, anecdotal evidence suggests that this sharing was mostly done by straight people. You’re welcome, world!

6. Ellen Page Is Gay: Ellen Page Comes Out, Makes Best Valentine’s Day Ever, by Riese Bernard (February)

Obviously this was the most important news story of the year and I managed to get a post up on Autostraddle within ten minutes of when the story broke. So everybody saw it on the book-face and came over to celebrate!

7. 100 LGBTQ Black Women You Should Know: The Epic Black History Month Megapost, by Riese Bernard (February)

Yet another post vaulted into success via Facebook — but we also got some linkage from Ebony Magazine and a lot of twitters, which was pretty neat.

8. California Passes Affirmative Consent Bill; Rape Apologists Retreat Into Fantasy, by Laura Mandanas

Facebook action and also a lot of direct action from everybody who saw the mansplaining in the Most Recent Comments widget and went in for the kill.

9. Nicki Minaj’s Feminism Isn’t About Your Comfort Zone: On “Anaconda” and Respectability Politics, by Carmen Rios

I hope you’re sitting down for this one: about 50% of the traffic on this post came from facebook. Why? Because Carmen made a really good point before anybody else made the same point, and the internet bowed to her superior wisdom, that’s why.

10. Novel Idea: What If We Actually Researched Whether Menstrual Products Are Safe to Use, by Helen McDonald

FACEBOOK. SURPRISE!

11. BREAKING: Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne Confirm Relationship, Are Probs Scissoring As We Speak, by Riese Bernard

65% of traffic to this post came from google, because obviously this was a pressing news story that a lot of people were searching for the scoop on.

12. Before You Know It Something’s Over, by Riese Bernard

Two things happened here: 1. Pretty much everybody who reads Autostraddle regularly read this article when they saw it on the front page. 2. Cheryl Strayed read it and told all her facebook followers to read it, and they did! It was one of the most amazing things to ever happen to me in my life, honestly.

13. Oh My F*cking God It’s “Orange is the New Black”  With Cats, by Carmen Rios (June)

Another Facebook winner. Seriously I was not prepared when I started this list to discover how much of our traffic comes from Facebook.

14. Here’s The Real Story Of How Oscar Nominee Jared Leto Got Called Out For Trans Misogyny At the Virtuoso Awards, by Rachel Kincaid (February)

Facebook but also a lot of twitter. I think the trans community in particular tends to be more active on twitter.

15. It’s Time For White Feminists To Stop Talking About Solidarity and Start Acting, by Kesiena Boom (July)

This post and the Flawless Trans Women post have something in common w/r/t their popularity on facebook: people in the power class (cis people, white feminists) read something, realize that they’ve been acting like assholes to the less privileged class (trans people, women of color) and, empowered by this revelation, want to share it with everybody they know. Isn’t that a nice way to look at the world?

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Important Photograph

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Some Answers To Some Things You’ve Been Asking Us

Do you have a pressing question to ask us, Doris? Well, you can! Just hop into the A+ Priority Contact Box in your sidebar!

Do you know if there are going to be any XS scissoring jumpers any time soon?
There are not. Alternative Apparel no longer makes XS-sized jumpers. But really I want you to be impressed that I know by “jumpers” you mean “sweatshirts” because of my familial and friendship relationships with a significant number of Australians and I hope you are just truly blown away by my international knowledge.

Okay, remember the article about the cat marshmallows and how we can’t have them? We can totally have them now! 
Hello reader, this is Laneia, writer of the article about the cat marshmallows and I’m here to say YES I remember and OMFG THIS IS EXCITING! Also heartbreaking because they’re sold out already!! So in my sadness re: the sold-outness, I had to wander around Jbox for a minute and lo and behold there is a cat coin bank that I’m not afraid to admit I really want, for real? And then! Then I came across these videos of actual cats vs the cat coin banks and reader, it made my day. It made my whole day. I laughed and made other sounds I didn’t know I was capable of making. It was the absolute best. So thank you! Thank you for sending me on this journey. Here’s my favorite Real Cat vs. Coin Bank Cat video, because this real cat is so chill it’s like, “Hey, come back man.”

I feel awful for asking this cause I’m sure you get it a lot and you are aware of it. I just am having a hard time right now and I think if I could read the recamps it would give me a boost of camp feelings to keep me going. Do you think they might be posted in the near future? It feels so long from camp and I’ve lost all that camp love and I need to relive it so badly.
They’re actually done, we’re just waiting for proofreading and then fitting them into the schedule! I’m sorry, I love you.

Riese, you have historically been less than thrilled about TSwift. Has her recent (somewhat less shitty and objectionable, imho) stuff changed your take? I am having trouble reconciling my previous objections with Shake It Off getting stuck in my head.
Well ACTUALLY I’ve always enjoyed Taylor Swift’s music, I even said so in the article which is my sole legacy on this earth! I actually enjoy so many things that are politically, socially or on-a-feminist-level offensive in some way. I stand by that article and also by my need to sing along loudly to every T-Swift song on the radio. NOW SHAKE IT OFF IS STUCK IN MY HEAD TOO. If you wanted to, you could come over and we could dance together, but also I should warn you that I am a terrible dancer.

Are you gonna do a readers survey this year? I love surveys.
We did one this summer! We’ll do another next summer, I bet.

Riese they should have you on the longform podcast! Srsly.
They should also put the 50 articles I’ve sent their way from Autostraddle on the longform website BUT THEY DON’T. LONGFORM I AM JUST A GIRL STANDING IN FRONT OF YOUR APP I USE EVERY DAY AND YOUR SITE I VISIT ON THE REG ASKING YOU TO LOVE MY WEBSITE IT’S NOT PORN I PROMISE.

1) Is Bren ever going to write an article? I wish she would! 2) I like the new approach with Twitter, more chatting, more pics – yes!!
1) Bren’s response to this is “Bwahhahahahaha! Who knew my mom was an A+ member!?” Also, she has written articles! Maybe when she crawls out from under a sea of merchandise and final exams she’ll write more things. 2) Yay! We like it too.

Is there going to be a calendar this year?
No, we were too poor to shoot it I am sorry.

Since Alex asked for Instagrams of people wearing the scissoring sweatshirt, can AS post a gallery of them? I would love to see everyone’s smiling faces wearing the best merch item ever.
Oh, that would be cute wouldn’t it? Also if you tag #scissorandsweat then maybe we could see your face on the insta machine.

I dream about Autostraddle all the time. Maybe someone should write an article about Autostraddle dreams.
Last night I had a dream that involved my camper Olivia and also my BFF/Exec-Ed Laneia and it was really weird, I wish I could remember it better. It would be so fun to have Intern Raquel illustrate our weird dreams also.

CAMP?!
CAMP!!!

autostraddle you are the best. i have a gold membership and i buy everything you tell me to (well, nearly): how can i support you EVEN MORE?
Well! Firstly, THANK YOU FOR BEING A MAGICAL HUMAN. Secondly, well: you can always give us more money. We will spend it on paying queer people to make media, because that’s what we do. We’ll be doing a fundraising thing in January or February to help us get a few projects off the ground and you can give to that too. Also, if you shop online, chances are good we’ve got an affiliate account with that place you shop, so always shopping through our affiliate links is another way to help us. You could also tell everybody you know about us. Alternately you could just personally buy me two nights at a Disneyland resort hotel and I promise to take lots of cute pics for insta. That’s not really about helping Autostraddle, I’m just you know, riffing here.

Hi Team, I’ve just read Sunday Funday and wondered if you’d considered an Autostraddle Fanciest Cat/Dog competition of our own? Given everybody’s extraordinary writing abilities I’m sure it really couldn’t be that hard to come up with cat-ergories (pun intended). Because seriously, there’s a 98% chance that behind a good lesbian is their cat/dog, totally prepared to judge you.
I have passed this suggestion on to Lil C Rios.

Heyyyy do you guys know the dates of A Camp yet? Should I be able to find this easily? Am I just being super dumb, because cannot find it for the life of me. Is this info just not out yet? I’m trying to figure out if I can get my hopes up/if I should spend my a-camp-fund because the spring is a crazy busy work time for me. I WANT TO GO SO BADLY AUGH
May 30th through June 4th. I was gonna wait to announce it on the Recamps but UMMM anyhow, I was keeping that secret in my back pocket but I’ve gotta change into sweatpants ’cause it’s cold in here and the heater is broken, so now I’m giving it to you, along with residue from a joint and a chapstick of questionable quality. DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL.

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MINI-INTERVIEW WITH AN EDITOR: CAROLYN, NSFW EDITOR

What do you do in your job?
I’m the NSFW Editor, which involves trying to capitalize on how many people google “lesbian sex” and also making people feel good about their sex lives and by extension themselves, hopefully. Specifically, I coordinate sex toy reviews, conduct sex toy reviews, approach new writers, do the NSFW Sunday, and try to average using the phrase “lesbian sex” 2.5 times a post regardless of how closely the content of that post relates to lesbian sex.

I also write the Lez Liberty Lit (RIP Riese also writing the Lez Liberty Lit), a twice-monthly column about books, and often have books to review or undertake ambitious yearly book previews, as well as writing other things just for fun slash $.

Also sometimes I work on secret sex projects that are sexy and secret for now.

What is your vision for the section?
I would like for everyone to stop getting flustered about how they do or do not want to have sex involving one or more consenting adults, and to stop worrying about how other people do or do not want to go about having sex with one or more consenting adults, and for everyone to enjoy the sex they do have.

But really my vision is a secret that can only be revealed in time. See above.

What would be your dream pitch?
Any of: personal essays that have a point or detailed service pieces with excellent photos or reported articles about quantifiable things that are happening and are not just baseless speculation about g-spots. Every word would be spelled correctly and sourced to the nines.

What’s the hardest part?
I don’t have enough time to do even 10% of all the things I’d like to do and still maintain my more-than-full-time other job. I am now accepting donations of time turners.

Who is your favorite online writer/editor/or like your hero?
Ann Friedman. I aspire to her hustle. Roxane Gay for her merging of pop culture and academia and because of her hustle, too. Basically anyone with hustle.

What do you wish people understood about your job?
How difficult it is to find photos of visibly masculine-of-centre women in a diverse range of body types and sizes and colors who are mostly naked but still covering their nipples and crotches and who also appear in images large enough to use and with some semblance of a source intact, and preferably who are making out with each other. The quest is never-ending but it’s important to take one for the team.

Favorite snack to eat while working?
I do not eat snacks while working because sometimes I am ahem using my hands for other things. (Typing, obviously.) (But also I can imagine nothing grosser than getting crumbs on a dildo.) However, except for a morning coffee I drink tea with the speed and devotion of someone trying to permanently turn her teeth a pleasing shade of taupe.

What song would a montage of you doing your job be set to?
I spend a lot of time listening to Songza’s 3 a.m. airport music because I like the noise for company but it’s mostly very boring and rarely actually distracts me. I recognize this answer so far demonstrates a low reading comprehension so obviously my final answer is Salt ‘n’ Peppa’s “Let’s Talk About Sex.”

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Yvonne Saves The Day

Welcome to Yvonne Saves The Day, a weekly segment in which we celebrate one of the many times this month that Yvonne Saved the Day.

Rachel: Any ideas for holiday puns for the food list title that aren’t super denominational/christmas-focused
Yvonne: What is this one about?
Rachel: Holiday cookies
Riese: “There’s no such thing as a white ally cookie, but we’ve got White Christmas cookies for days!”
Rachel: hahahaha
Riese: oh wait that’s also Christmas
and too many words
What other contexts do cookies exist in besides baking?
Rachel: Computers?
maybe just something about it being cold and/or dark
holiday cookies to brighten your snowy days, or something
Yvonne: Something about making you feel warm
Rachel: To warm your kitchen and your heart?
Yvonne: I’m just gonna brainstrom a bunch of winter holiday shit:
snowmen
holly
christmas trees
I’m sorry i’m bad at this
I’m laughing at myself
Rachel: No you’re doing great
Yvonne: hot chocolate
cider
Rachel: This is like on House when they have to just name every disease they can think of, but with cookies
cookies to keep your hot chocolate company?
Yvonne: festive
yes
fun
cheer
delightful
jolly
Rachel: “45 Festive Cookie Recipes to Kickstart Your Holiday Cheer”
Yvonne: Yeah
Rachel: Yes! thank you for walking me through this Yvonne
Yvonne: That was more like YEAH
Sorry I feel my brain is only half working
So I couldn’t actually string some words for you
Rachel: No you carried the day
SAVED IT even
Yvonne: woo!

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Clap If You Believe

Brittani: Yesterday on the bus this guy started asking a woman’s son questions about the mom while the mom was sitting right there
I hope that one interaction is enough to keep that little boy from turning into an idiot. maybe he will get to stay a little boy forever now.
Rachel: I think so. I mean that’s the premise of Peter Pan, right?
Laneia: Someone hit on Peter Pan’s mother via Peter Pan and he was like “Nope. Shut it down.”
Rachel: “Guess we all have to move to an island and battle pirates rather than ever talk to another grown man again.”
Carmen: Clap if you believe…. in the patriarchy
:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap: TELL ME U BELIEVE PETER
Audrey: wait but then I would never clap because if you don’t clap it dies
Carmen: SEE, I KNOW NOTHING AUDREY
ALL I KNOW IS A SAD MAN AND HIS SAD KIDS AND A SAD PIRATE LEARNING TO LOVE AGAIN

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December Retro-Reading

Some posts from previous Decembers Riese thinks you might enjoy.

A Shot At Tila Tequila: The Autostraddle Interview, by Lola (2009) – LOL REMEMBER WHEN WE INTERVIEWED TILA TEQUILA? Really, we were genuinely interested in what she had to say because it was a very crazy time for her. The saddest thing is that Lola talked to Casey Johnson a little bit too, ’cause her and Tila were living together, and Casey died shortly thereafter. Lola was the last journalist to ever speak to her.

Confessions of a Teenage Run-a-Gay: How Not To Go Home For The Holidays, by Phoenix Danger (2009) – This essay touched so many of your hearts right in the stringspace, as it discussed not being able to go home due to conflicts with one’s family over queer shit. There’s also a 2011 follow-up post entitled Confessions of a Teenager Run-a-Gay: The Future Freaks Me Out.

10 Days Of Top Tens: 10 Things That Took Forever and 10 Things You Assholes Didn’t Appreciate, by Riese & Laneia (2010) – This is one of those times that Laneia and I got REALLY SASSY with y’all and called you out for not commenting on the triumphant spectacular posts we made for you. The highlight of this post though is the story about Laneia’s Period Post and how it eventually saw the light of day.

I Am Alike: A Nigerian Boi’s Reflections on “Pariah,” by Spectra Speaks (2011) – This was the season when we were so hopeful that Pariah might change everything and published as much content as we could about it. Spectra brought a personal take to the film due to her deep identification with the story it told, and this is a masterful essay.

Why Do Gay Men Keep Touching My Boobs: The Mini-Roundtable, by Riese, Gabby, Vanessa, Ali, Kate, Lizz and Hansen (2012) – This roundtable addressed a topic we don’t really talk about very much, which is the weird power dynamics that sometimes arise in friendships between gay men and gay women.

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ENDURE BY RACHEL KINCAID

Heather: My weekend was trying to work while my girlfriend and best friend screamed at football players on the television. and i was like, “baby, please vacuum and put away the dishes before so-and-so gets here” and her being like, “I love you, yes, I will” and not doing it. So, like, 30% of straight america’s weekend.
Rachel: Do you think maybe we’re all actually straight
and this has just been a big mistake
an unfortunate misunderstanding
Laneia: Oh that would be so sad
Heather: I would be heartbroken
Laneia: Being queer is the most interesting thing about me rachel
I’d have to get a hobby
Rachel: Having a hobby sounds boring and hard
Heather: I would just cry and stare longingly at my blanchicorn poster if I found out I was straight
Rachel: Yeah I don’t know what i would do. give up and start a lifestyle brand maybe
Laneia: You could name it Persevere
or purse severe
Heather: Endure by Rachel Kincaid
Rachel: Right, like it would be one word but “purse” would be in a slightly different typeface than “severe”
Laneia: Yes.
pursesevere.com is available if you’re interested
Rachel: I would also have a shop with block-printed scarves that for some reason cost $150
Heather: you are describing aria montgomery’s dream life

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Five Posts Rachel Can’t Believe You Motherf*ckers Didn’t Read Last Month

This is a very protest- and social-justice-oriented segment this month because, duh, where have you been. If somehow you have been living not only under a rock but literally inside of one, like some kind of new rock Pokemon that will be unveiled in a new game version in 2017, this could function as some sort of very basic primer.

1. This Might be the Most Important Moment Ever to Fight Rape on Campus, by Audrey

The failures of responsible reporting in the horrific instance of the UVA rape story have been extremely disheartening; Audrey’s story provides some reasons to be hopeful. Also, this story made Amanda Hess mad; while we would prefer mainstream recognition that acknowledges how incredible it is that we manage to get anything done with roughly the amount of money Bryan Goldberg finds in his couch cushions let alone the amazing work we publish, we also accept outrage from people we disagree with on principle, and therefore find this pleasing. Read it and be #blessed.

2. Dispatches from the Millions Marches: Thousands Show Up for #BlackLivesMatter Nationwide, by many of us

For a lot of reasons, many of us don’t find it possible to be physically present for protests, marches or rallies. Many of us who can go to those events still feel disconnected from a larger movement, or not sure what our actions really do in any real sense. It makes a big difference to hear about others’ experiences; recognizing that the actions all of us take are part of a bigger experience is empowering and motivating. Stay up to date on what the others in this community are doing to keep this moment happening and take strength from it.

3. Just Two Weeks After Transgender Day of Remembrance Another Black Trans Woman is Murdered in America, by Mey

Hey guys remember intersectionality? Do you remember saying those words a lot and also hearing them a lot and seeing them in hashtags? Although the reasons for it are unbearable, the fact that Black people are disproportionately targets for violence is seeing marginally more awareness; this should augment, not crowd out, our hopefully pre-existing awareness that trans women of color and particularly Black trans women have historically been living with the constant threat of violence and murder. Black lives matter; Deshawnda Sanchez’s life matters; it’s up to us who survive her to continue to pursue justice for her and for so many others whose lives have been taken this year. If our pursuit of justice doesn’t include trans women of color and and Black trans women, it’s not the justice we need. A good way to start would be, you know, reading this article.

4. Rebel Girls: Police Violence Happens to Black Women Too, by Carmen

Again with intersecting identities! DO YOU SEE THE THEME HERE. The best side effect of the current nonstop onslaught against the rights and lives of American citizens, in one woman’s opinions, is that it’s created a context for a lot of free education, and this is a good example. As Carmen explains, women aren’t just supporters or spectators of campaigns against major human rights abuses; they are usually impacted by them, although that isn’t always a topic of public conversation. Don’t know what I’m talking about? You know what would be a good place to get up to speed? THIS ARTICLE.

5. The Myth of Plausible Deniability for Anti-Black Violence: How Ferguson Birthed a Movement, by Cleo 

It’s been a rough month. A lot has happened (violence! erasure! public smear campaigns! extremely disheartening national opinions!) and a lot has failed to happen (for instance, indictments!). This was published fairly soon after the failure to indict Darren Wilson, and so I feel like it may have been lost in some people’s shuffles since then, since to be fair it feels like about fifty years have passed since that moment in a lot of ways. Do yourself a favor and return to this; it will be hard but also, I swear, it will rejuvenate you.

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Laneia’s Tip of the Month

Not to sound like your mom or anything, but y’all need to go for a walk. Get outside in whatever sunlight you hopefully have left and don’t come back for at least an hour. Go by yourself. Have nowhere to go when you’re going, just go. Don’t even plan a route that’ll lead to nowhere, make those decisions when you get to the ends of streets or paths. Right or left or straight ahead or turn around — decide that when you get there. No, like really, right when you get there and not a minute sooner. Take music or listen to yourself breathe. Look up. Look at the neighbor’s dead roses and the stickers on the bumpers of the parked cars. You’ve seen so many bumper stickers in your life and even though you’ll never remember them all, each one was put in its place on purpose and with at least a fleeting conviction. Isn’t that wild? How many roses have opened and closed and fallen from those bushes — from all the bushes you’ve ever witnessed? Walk faster even if it hurts your feet. Look at ditches and tree trunks and birds and try to commit at least one thing to memory. Walk slower even if it hurts your patience. Be upset about something you just remembered that wasn’t a ditch, a tree, or a bird. Inhale a bunch of air and let it sit inside you like water in a fishbowl. You’re alive today and your face is slamming up against molecules that were born inside clouds and you have nothing to lose. YOU ARE TAKING THIS WALK RIGHT NOW. Fuck yeah you are.

 

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Carolyn’s Sex Toy Recommendation Of The Month: Anything Vixskin

VixSkin dildos aren’t the only type of toy Vixen Creations makes, but they’re my favorite. They’re made entirely of platinum-grade silicone, are super soft on the outside with a harder core so they stand up on their own or more or less stay in place during sex. Their bases are large and flexible enough to feel really great in a harness. Their surface is tactile and a little sticky and feels organic — more like skin and less like some object you’re attaching for sex.

The thing about a lot of VixSkin toys is that they’re pretty realistic (though the Raquel isn’t, and one or two other models still come in tie-dye or hot pink), and you pretty much have to either (a) love that or (b) not care or (c) be willing to try it even if you do care and spend time muttering about the patriarchy in the dildo aisle. I use the Outlaw, which I hesitated over because its base involves a ball-like situation that I was pretty sure I would be repulsed by in practice. It turns out that the entire base tucks away nicely into my activity partner’s harness and also, because it is huge, makes her come all by itself. (The realism has also become an asset in different types of play.) (Mileage may vary.)

I recommend Vixskin dildos if you’re buying the only dildo you ever plan to own or if you’re filling out a robust collection or if you already own a bunch of other Vixskin.

We’ve reviewed the Outlaw and the Mustang so far and recommended Vixskin toys in gift guides of holidays past and present. Or just look at all of them.

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Crystal Was Thankful for Cheesecake But Laneia Accidentally Left Her Out of the Collage Last Month

What a babe.

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Alex Vega For Peter Pan You’re Welcome World

Stef: I still really wanna recast Peter Pan with all auto staff
Alex Vega for Peter Pan you’re welcome world
Rachel: Who’s Hook is really the question
Stef: I think Carmen would really shine TBH
Carmen: YES PLEASE
or the right-hand doofy pirate with the MOM tattoo
Stef: SMEE
I want to be one of those bitch cunt mermaids maybe
Carmen: I’m not good at supporting roles though
for obvious reasons
SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE MY SMEE
Stef: I do love a striped shirt
and parrots
Laneia would be a really charming Tinkerbell I feel
Rachel: Isn’t Tinkerbell going to be Tinkerbell?
I sort of thought that was a given
Stef: Clearly I have been mulling this over for a long time
Oh right
Laneia can be a mermaid like that random a camp 1.0 picture where she looks like one
Y’all would be some really cute lost boys.
It’s a v lumberjanes look
Chelsey: Can I be Tinkerbell? Or does tinkerbell the dog already have this shit on lock
Rachel: Oh you would be such a good tinkerbell though chelsey
your hair would look really good with the green dress
Laneia: Oh yes
you know tbh tinkerbell would make a good hook
Rachel: The role of the crocodile is also still open, I believe
Stef: For Tinkerbell? like, I hope she doesn’t get offended cos you’re right, Chelsey is a dream Tinkerbell
Tinkerbell usually doesn’t have a huge ego though
Rachel: Her ego has to be small enough to fit inside her purse pocket
Riese: Purse POUCH
Stef: Alongside Riese’s keys and spare change
Riese: Tinkerbell thanks you for the consideration but has booked several projects this month because she is very skinny, successful and popular.
Stef: Wait Tinkerbell can play the dog
Nana
Riese: I was hoping Rachel would be Nana but okay
Stef: Oh wow
I mean I didn’t want to put Tinkerbell in a box
Rachel: This is an exciting crossover opportunity for me
Stef: Wendy, Michael, john?
Mey: Wait, can Cara be John Darling, you know, because of the top hats?
Cara: Very proud to be top hat john
I vote Ali for crocodile
Riese: Am I Wendy
Audrey: I wanna be a lost boy. CAN I BE RUFIO.
or Tiny Ryan Gosling
Stef: You are always tiny Ryan Gosling to me
Audrey: (It’s not actually Ryan Gosling in Hook but it looks like him)
that is the best compliment I have ever received omg
Riese: Who gets to be Smee
Stef:  What if it was c(m)we
C(m)ee
Carmen: I LOVED RUFIO
RU! FI! O! RU! FI! O! as a young girl I cried for him
omg if cee was my smee I’d be thrilled
Stef: She would be the best first mate cos she knows everything
smee is hilarious
Audrey: Carmen I cried for him when I rewatched hook two months ago
Riese: Kate should be a lost boy
Stef: Kate is whatever lost boy just stands and poses and squints at wendy
Riese: Let’s devote a-camp 2015 entirely to putting on this prdouction
Stef:  Who is wendy, who is michael
Carmen: Sad nobody felt this enthusiasm for the waiting to exhale remake #neverforget
Riese: Brittani is michael
Stef: and michael’s teddy bear
Laneia: Oh wait I think Kate might have to be Rufio
Audrey: Yeah I think Kate is king of the lost boys
I will be the scruffy blonde smiley one
Laneia: Who is playing the mother
Stef: I am really looking forwards to finding roles for like, Taylor and Crystal
Riese: They’re both pirates
Taylor is a pirate, this has been established via a-camp 1.0
Crystal wants to wear black
So
Stef: I want Gabby to be maggie smith, maggie smith is involved somehow right
I forgot about the maid yelling at the kids for playing because she is doing the much more important task of sweeping the actual carpet with a feather duster and a dustpan, which seems really counterproductive, can someone get her a dustbuster
and who is playing her
guys there is a bowtie workshop in this movie
Carly and Robin for the parents
the father is all like IF I CAN’T GET THIS BOWTIE TIED I CAN’T GO TO THE THING WHICH MEANS I CAN NEVER GO TO WORK WHICH MEANS OUR CHILDREN WILL STARVE TO DEATH
Brittani: I don’t think I’ve ever seen or read Peter Pan/Hook, I just know the names of the characters and their general deals and I think Michael has PJs with a buttflap? Is that right? So I’m in.
Laneia: CARLY AND ROBIN AS PARENTS
Rachel: Wait doesn’t it end with the siblings as adults? Did I make that up? If so, there’s three more openings
Stef: and Wendy has a daughter right?
who gets to be Riese’s prodigal child
Rachel: what’s emily choo up to
Stef: Wearing american eagle somewhere probs
Ali: Wit, I’m a crocodile, what?
Why? Y’all, I go to a writing program tea for an hour and I miss everything important
Kaelyn: Can I be the family dog?
Kate: RUFIO FUCK YES
BANGARANG SQUINT SQUINT MOTHERFUCKERS
wait…i die
well, that’s okay, tragedy is still on brand for me

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XOXO

Team Autostraddle