all illustrations by Archie Bongiovanni!
Christmas is cumming! That’s right — baby J’s birthday is no longer about virgin births or cancelled flights or explaining the merits of veganism to your flat eather uncle. It’s about hopping in the sack with a partner (or three) and engaging in some virtuous, old fashioned giving and receiving. Try these positions to add some spice (ooh, is that nutmeg?) to your sex life this December. The holigays are queer!
1. The “Elf On the Shelf”
One cutie perches on the edge of a table. Bae kneels below them and services the cutie with their mouth. Cutie tells bae they’ve been naughty this year (or nice, depending on what they like to hear).
2. The “Fistmas Cheer”
Two audacious queers sit facing each other. They fist each other with their generously-lubricated right hands while simultaneously drinking eggnog (or a dairy-free alternative) with their left hands.
3. The “Gay Apparel”
If you live in a cold climate, you understand the challenge of having sex while staying warm. When the weather outside is frightful, you and your sweetie can snuggle into the same sweater and feel each other up.
4. The “Reverse Reindeer”
Partner #1 lies flat on their back. Partner #2 faces away from them and straddles their hips. Partner #1 holds partner #2’s hair while they bump and grind. Optional: Partner #1 shouts, “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”
5. The “Five Golden G-Strings”
Five or more hotties in skimpy lingerie sit in a line while leaning against each other. They simultaneously reach around to the sexpot in front of them, pull their underpants to the side and perform hand sex of any kind on each other. Every ten minutes, the caboose gets to move to the front so they can have a jolly good time, too.
6. The “Tits the Season”
One well-endowed babe hovers their bosom over an eager cutie’s chest. They brush their nipples together until they simultaneously orgasm.
7. “The Christmas Carol“
One femme returns another femme’s gloves.
8. The “Stocking Stuffer”
An experienced, lubricated deviant gets on their hands and knees while an experienced dom with adequately-trimmed toenails foots their ass. For an extra merry footing, try Swiss Navy’s butt lube, which contains clove oil and smells exactly like a holiday Yankee candle.
9. The “Mall Santa”
A popular queer straps on a big, red dildo and sits in a sturdy chair. One admirer straddles the dong and takes it for a long, hard sleigh ride while other suitors impatiently wait their turns.
10. The “Fuck the Halls”
This one goes out to the single folks who want to fa-la-la-la-la themselves into the holiday spirit. Place a suction cup dildo on the wall in a narrow hallway. Brace yourself against the opposite wall while you ram that dildo up your chimney and relish the autonomy of singlehood.
11. The “Figgy Pudding”
Partner #1 sits on partner #2’s face and grinds until they squirt into partner #2’s hungry mouth and have a happy new year.
12. The “Cum All Ye Faithful”
Multiple queers pile their bits onto a Magic Wand on the highest setting.
the santa’s lap one OMG.
I yelped at this one!!! SANTAAA!!!
Well, I know what I’ll be doing Christmas morning. Ho, ho, ho.
I never thought foot play content would end up on Autostraddle, and I never in a million years thought I’d have the PRIVILEGE of drawing it, yet here we are! What a bangin’ way to end 2019!
This is. So. Hot.
It’s not my kink, but that was a great illustration! I love all of these!
MY DREAMS CAME TRUE
Oh aye, having it rubbed in is such a delight. For me and no doubt many others, very many of them trans women for some reason, the days ahead look like this: so- called ‘biological’ family out of the picture for good ( which really is a blessing!), chosen family, i.e. real family, stressed out with holiday shenanigans and work, no food worth mentioning (job market discriminination equals poverty), too poor to give gifts to chosen family (see above), remembering holiday seasons which were far, far worse, which, for some reason, is not difficult …
and – this being my point! – being aware, and being made aware, of the contrast between such a holiday season, and such a life, and the non-equivalent experienced by the Queer Elite. As if I had needed any more proof of the true nature of Queer Sex Culture, namely its role as a demonstration of status, social capital, power and socio-economic position!
Here they now introduce queer and kinky holiday fairs which demand an entry fee representing several days of my food budget. Where I could invest the month’s food budget into one useless holiday item. But even if I had any money I would run into a barrage of transmisogyny, scorn and hatred if I went there for having the temerity to exist. And, regarding sex, a flight to the moon would be far easier contrived and significantly more realistic a project than having sex during the holiday season. Or, ever.
And this is why I am truly grateful for this wonderful article. It makes it easy to find and maintain the right attitude: red- eyed, claws out and snarling, and with an iron resolve to make it through this, and maybe another year, or two, or five. So, thank you.
Dear friend, your holidays sound very difficult and it is not really fair that you are in this difficult situation. For the holiday season I always felt a lot of pressure to have a nice time or do something special, but now I more and more feel like passing time alone and reflect is much more useful and that it is a good period because it’s the change if the year and everyone is busy. Like going out to walk in a parc or forest (and maybe taking some branches of trees back to decorate my place), making some cookies or anything with canelle. Lighting a candle and maybe for new years burning a paper with my aspirations for the new year. Reflecting on things that advanced in the last year. Meeting a friend for tea. And taking care of yourself. I think there are lots of people that spend like amazing looking Christmases with lots of people around and activities, food and trips but maybe they are still very unhappy and because they are so busy they don’t even have time to realize. I hope though you have the support of one or two good friends. Take care
And having lots of sex or not doesn’t tell anything about a person being attractive or not and having sex without a connection can sometimes make us feel even more empty. Everyone is different and everyone has their own beauty and it is very difficult for us to see our own beauty especially for women. Try to ask a another women you find really beautiful what she thinks about herself and you’ll see. We are as we are and we exist in that way and some people might not even agree with our existence but actually we still do exist. And even for ourselves we might wish we or our situation were different but at this very moment things are as they are and it’s looking energy trying to wish the reality would be different.
Me personally I didn’t have sex since 6 or 7 years (I don’t even remember) and the last time I had sex it was a one-night stand with a very nice girl but I wasn’t attracted to her but somehow got into this because I was a little drunk and so I didn’t really enjoy and felt guilty and like looking my time. And I really don’t feel like missing anything in my life. (Maybe weird to have this kind of comment under this article but Everyone is different .)
This is the true meaning of christmas
Another classic, had me giggling the whole way through. Thank you!
side note I’ve seen candy cane-color condoms, which could work for #9, cause safe sex ya’ll & because some dogs are natural.
Any queers with a magic wand up for number twelve?…
This is how I want to bring the community together.
I really want to see this get at least 11 likes
I have at least eleven magic wands; I’ll contribute what I can
We got the 69th Comment Awards to exactly 69 comments, we can do this
Doff we now our gay apparel
Doff it is! I’m good at doffing.
With a knife
WARNING for flashy strobe lights and blaring loud music and sexy sexy knives
Like, for real, there are knives! Don’t watch if that might freak you out.
Is that a doffilet?
My ex called me her dovelet
#9 has me cacklin cause my first pair of boxers said “I’m not Santa…But you can sit on my lap anyways ;)”
I miss Kmart so much.
Me too…. Kmart was from Detroit 😓
I would suggest gloves long enough to tie for number 7 😏
Thank you, Autostraddle.
How about a show of hands for appreciation?
There’s a Carol that’s bound to please
Hand in glove, the sun shines out of our behinds
No it’s not like any other love, this one is different because it’s ours
WANTED: Experienced, lubricated deviant
That’s quite the job position
Many positions ( multi tasking a desired skillset)
Where do I inquire about positions for quick learners
Hard left at the bottom of the Slip n Slide
“Wanna 68? You go down on me, and I’ll owe you one”
“How many planets are there?” “8” “About to be 7 when I Destroy Uranus.”
But Snow how about your Moon?…
“I flick more bean than a Starbucks barista”
oh I’m sorry, what? I got 6 knuckles deep into the Gail quotes.
“No such thing as a 6 knuckler, if there was I’d know about it.”
Ok you’re stealing all the good ones how am I supposed to keep up
You can call me cake cause I go straight to that ass
That’s a good one!
“I’m asking for 5k for 69% of my company.” “Why 69?” “Both sides benefit”
The article I needed. Thank you, this is brilliant
This is the most entertained I ever remember being reading anything!