We Ruined Our Days and Our Relationships With New Astrology App “The Pattern!” and You Can Too

Despite scientific claims that only a small percentage of queer women are interested in astrology, it often seems like everyone I know is treating it as irrefutable truth, obsessing over their crush’s rising sign and what that’s going to mean under the new moon in Libra or whatever. On a recent trip to (of course) Portland, my friends turned me on to an app called Co-Star that details a person’s complete astrological profile and then compares your compatibility with your friends.

Co-Star’s a trip; it uses very basic compatibility matching of different parts of your chart to bluntly break down all the celestial reasons why one friend and I should definitely never hook up, while simultaneously pointing out why another friend and I get along so famously. I’m not an incredibly hardcore believer in astrology, in the sense that I don’t believe that every person born in the same month is going to have the same kind of day when they read their horoscope in the paper, but I do fall pretty neatly under all the parameters of a classic Scorpio. In that sense, I do enjoy being the Most Scorpio Scorpio Who Ever Scorped and got a kick out of picking apart my friends’ profiles in order to better understand the [alleged] reasons we interact the way we do.

If you’ve enjoyed the way Co-Star describes hypothetical or existing relationships between yourself and your friends, but you don’t feel like you’ve emotionally devastated yourself enough lately, you’re going to love The Pattern, a new app for masochistic astrology enthusiasts. The Pattern doesn’t just explain your chart; it points out patterns in your own behavior and compares it to the way your friends are likely to handle situations in their own lives. I love navel-gazing and overanalyzing my friends, so when Rachel asked if I’d be interested in trying this app out I leapt at the chance.

The Pattern started out by behaving sort of like it was trying to recruit me for a cult. It told me how special and misunderstood I am, to which I wholeheartedly agreed.

But YOU understand me, don’t you?!?!?

The Pattern is interesting because its connection to astrology is not obvious or really advertised; while it bases its profile of you around your birth chart, it doesn’t explain which aspects of your personality are directly related to specific planets or placements. Whereas Co-Star might tell me that my Mercury in Scorpio makes me extra perceptive whereas my Mars in Virgo makes me a hard worker, The Pattern will explain the kinds of scenarios I tend to encounter, challenges I’m predisposed to facing or particular qualities I might be drawn to and just sort of state them as fact. After poking around at my own psychological pitfalls, apparently ordained by the stars themselves, I was ready for the social aspect of the app. That’s right, this can be a group activity!

I invited a couple of my fellow Autostraddle writers to accompany me on this journey. Vanessa, Molly and Sarah all declined to join me as they felt the app sounded WAY too intense, and they weren’t wrong. Ultimately, I was able to convince my close friend and favorite Gemini nightmare Courtney to try it out so we could check out our compatibility.

When you click to a friend’s profile, the app sweetly includes a fresh new fact about how the two of you interact or what you mean to each other, which I loved.

The Pattern also includes insights into how you approach relationships, pitfalls you might encounter and what kind of astrological junctures you might be finding yourselves approaching. After a couple of minutes of complimenting ourselves on how great we are at being friends and how terrible we are at being human beings, Courtney and I started to click around on the “dig deep” sections of our profiles, and immediately disintegrated into twin piles of ash.

This describes our friendship pretty well but is also kind of a lot?????!?!?!

As you click around, the app offers the option to share your findings with your friends via text or an assortment of social media platforms, which is great because we found ourselves extremely busy screaming at each other about everything we discovered. My favorite thing about The Pattern is that you can enter information for someone who’s not even ON the app if you know their birth time and place, so I could check out my compatibility with a certain celebrity crush (name withheld, in case she reads this), my current crush (name withheld, in case she reads this) or my favorite ex-girlfriend (who called this experiment “emotional terrorism”). This factors perfectly into another feature: examining a potential or existing romantic relationship.

Call me the fuck out.

My second favorite feature of The Pattern is how it walks you through every hypothetical problem you might ever have in your relationship, so you can really plan out every triumph and heartbreak that might potentially come your way over the course of your lifetime with this other human being. The app is positively delighted to describe in detail the kinds of roadblocks you might encounter dating this specific person, or any person in general, especially as linked to your deep-seated inadequacies and flaws. Would you like to know which of your friends or exes share a pattern of “wounding in relationships” or have a tendency to be “romantic and impractical?” Well, you’re about to find out! My associate and I could not help being The Worst so we entered information for our past and present partners, and exchanged horrifically accurate screenshots as we recoiled in horror.


All things considered, there’s a ton of information to pore through, and if you believe strongly in astrology or just like being psychologically torn to shreds regardless of the belief system underpinning it, you’re going to be very, very busy. I would recommend this app if you enjoy being devastatingly called out, screaming “FUCK ME UP” every other minute and/or want to tease your friends about how difficult they find it to resist their strong attraction to you.

Honestly not mad at this part.

I will never be the same.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!


Stef Schwartz is a founding member and the self-appointed Vapid Fluff Editor at Autostraddle.com. She currently resides in New York City, where she spends her days writing songs nobody will ever hear and her nights telling much more successful musicians what to do. Follow her on twitter and/or instagram.

Stef has written 464 articles for us.


    • I need my ex lover back and save my marriage urgently with the help of a powerful love spell caster contact: ancientspiritspellcast@gmail. com WhatsApp +2347059715465 .

    • This article is very interesting and this has helped me a lot. I have immediately downloaded this app.

  1. I was SO EXCITED to immediately download this as well as Co-Star; alas, I realize they aren’t compatible with Android phones. Does anybody have recommendations for similar apps that can actually be used with Android?

      • Presumably a special, misunderstood one, that you won’t share but will hold as secret proof that love is a lie as you throw your phone into a ditch rather than reply to messages from complicated loners.

  2. As a Classic Scorpio who’s faced down the Enneagram, I felt pretty smug downloading this app.

    What’s fun is playing with the custom date search underneath “Your Timing.”

    Here’s a sampling from the cycles in effect when I was coming out:

    “Your identity is being radically altered during this cycle—this is a period of incredible transformation.”

    “During this cycle you’re being supported and encouraged to embrace who you really are—you may feel more confident and comfortable in your own skin.”

    “Even if you’ve struggled with your role as a woman or other people’s expectations, there’s positive energy that can help you expand past these blocks.”

    “You’re undergoing a transformation—this energy is initiating real changes, altering the direction your life will take.”

    Is it normal for an app to know this much, please report back.

  3. “fuck me the fuck up” is my life motto so naturally I had to download it and it has, indeed, fucked me the fuck up

  4. I downloaded both apps and they both seem really nice to me? The Pattern was weirdly gendered, but other then that they were all “don’t be afraid to be yourself”.

  5. Hi I came here for the amazing graphic @sarsquared! I know even less about astrology than I do about sesame st (which character is it?) but I felt miraculously so represented by the puppet’s facial expression and the tasteful arrangement of flames. Thank you.

  6. Free janam kundli analysis by date of birth and time. Janak kundali help you’re to know everything about your future, and planet effects on your life. Get online kundli in Hindi and English. Janam Kundli also known as birth chart, Janma Patrika.

  7. Bihar board result for 10th class will be releasing in the first week of april 2020. Students who don’t know how to check bseb result online can check our link or can bookmark it so that they can check their result by visiting our website.
    Each year, the department organizes the 10th board exams for around 16 lac students. The passing ratio for bseb patna stood at 80.73% for the last year.
    Participants should start surfing for bseb 10th result by roll no from April First Week 2020.

  8. He cheated on me so we split, before he left me, we were planing to get married in the future, I loved him so much but I became tired of him lying to me every time he opens his mouth, I went into search for help in the internet, I tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and none of them worked, I almost gave up hope because I thought i will never see my lover again forever, one day i saw some testimony about this powerful spell caster Mr Robinson i emailed him and i asked him to help me bring back my lover and he did A Lover Spell for me And after some days, my lover returned back to me I’d like to say that i got a positive result from robinsonbucler@ gmail. com ever since i used his love spell, my lover have learned to appreciate me more and more day by day, and he doesn’t take me for granted………………………….

  9. I need my ex lover back and save my marriage urgently with the help of a powerful love spell caster contact: ancientspiritspellcast@gmail. com WhatsApp +2347059715465 .

  10. Hello Brother, You are right answer for me…. but this article helped me. Thanks

  11. Solution to your lost love – If you have, problems like separation with your partner a divorce, remarriage, etc then you don’t have to lose hope over what has happened we can help you get back your lost love…Steven can solve all the problem TEXT OR CALL NOW Email him also on Drstevenspell@outlook. Com/ call or WhatsApp +2348162167254

  12. Online free translator convert English words, phrase or text to easily as per requirement most accurate translation of the english. Also, Instantly translate English words, phrase or text to several different languages. This is one of the best google translator that perform real time language translation.
    Online English to serveral different languages free translation 100% guaranted….

  13. Great site. Plenty of helpful info here. I’m sending it to several friends and also sharing in delicious. And of course, thanks for your sweat! 
    Buy ketamine in Belgium | Buy ketamine in Europe | buy Ketamine in Non-EU countries Securely 
    Buy ketamine powder in Belgium | Buy ketamine in Europe
    Buy ketamine HCL in Belgium – Buy ketamine HCL in Europe
    Buy ketamine Liquid in  Brussels | buy ketamine Vials in Europe – Buy ketamine liquid online
    Buy Ketamine crystals Online, | buy crystal ketamine Europe
    Buy ketamine rotexmedica in Europe, buy rotexmedica ketamine Online, | buy rotexmedica ketamine Netherland
    Buy ketamine in Belgium | Buy ketamine in Europe 
    Shop for ketamine in Belgium | Order Ketamine online Europe

  14. JGallerypro is the best gallery application for portable this application has best element and you can without much of a stretch explore your photographs and recordings.

  15. جدیدترین آهنگ ها از خواننده های مجاز و معروف ایرانی دسترسی داشته باشید. آهنگ ها با کیفیت اصلی 320 و 128 و متن ترانه به صورت رایگان با کاور اصلی قرار می گیرد

  16. Orris Gateway a new commercial property in sector 82 A Gurgaon.Orris Gateway Gurgaon offers SCO (Shop Cum Office Space) Plots in Gurgaon.Book Now.

  17. Stef, you are FUCKING HILARIOUS 😂 I love your writing style. And I agree that this app is not for the faint of heart 😳

  18. I am very excited about contacting Dr ola who helped me get my ex husband back from another woman after 3 years of separation. I am very happy because I never believed in spell casting and contacting spell casters to solve my problem but after 3 years of separating from my husband being single, I had to contact Dr ola after I read about him online on how he has been helping people. I am glad he did. My husband came back to me within 48 hours, he begged me and the kids who needed their father back with them and I am very happy. I found this man through testimonies that he can also solve pregnancy and love problems. That is why I contacted him to help me and within 48 hours my husband came back home and we are living happily together. Here Dr ola’s email: dradeola 766 @gmail . com or what-sApp: +=2-3-4-8-0-7-5-2-5-4-6-7-0 …

  19. Get all the current PWD tenders information on one platform. You can now view all the active tenders and the status of past Kerala e-tender PWD on tender247 …
    pwd tenders

  20. Looking Best Clinic in Dubai, Arwa & Ali Dental & Day Surgical Center is here. Our certified doctors team provide a variety of services.

Comments are closed.