As a kid that didn’t feel at home in her family, I loved two movies: Annie (1982) and The Wizard of Oz (1939). I think both movies are about feeling lost and finding family in unusual places. I watched these movies religiously, often more than once in a day. While Annie was my favorite of the two, I’ve been revisiting The Wizard of Oz recently through the eyes of my three-year-old niece. She loves it and reminds me how much I used to love the movie, too.
A couple of days ago I woke up with “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” in my head. With legendary songs, a cast of characters, and visuals that dazzle to this day, The Wizard of Oz is still a classic worth watching. Because it is my duty to view everything around me through a gay lens, I’m here to rank the characters of this movie from least to greatest gay energy. You may disagree, you may be surprised, but keep in mind this is my ranking, my opinion, and I’m right.
I’ll be ranking the main cast — and maybe some others — so let’s kick this thing off.
12. Auntie Em
We don’t spend a ton of time with Auntie Em, but its enough time to know this woman is 100% heterosexual. No fruity energy emanating off of those finger waves.
11. Uncle Henry
Auntie Em and Uncle Henry are the kind of parents that when you come out they’re like “lots of girls have little crushes on their friends, you’ll get over it doll.” So not dangerously homophobic, but still not great. These two are low on the list because I don’t even get the slightest whiff of homosexuality from them.
You’re probably thinking, “no way, Glinda is giving high femme.” and you’re wrong. Glinda is an ally, she’s definitely the art teacher or English teacher you ate lunch with as a young closeted queer but she’s not really giving alphabet mafia vibes now is she?? Glinda is proud of you for bringing a girl to the prom that she is chaperoning, that’s it.
We are encroaching on gay energy now. Toto is yappy which translates to being smart-mouthed, and we gays are known for our quick wit. Also a little ugly dog is the gay person’s favorite accessory, so Toto is a little queer by association.
8. The Wizard of Oz
Hiding, pretending to be someone you’re not, is a smidgen gay. Making grand, swooping gestures and promises from behind an emerald curtain is giving showmanship, performance, drama!
7. Dorothy Gale
Dorothy might appear stick straight but there’s a little something about her that gives me closeted vibes. I think she has this yearning, especially the yearning for a different life, that makes her kinda dykey. Also, rounding up a clan of well-meaning, but incompetent, men and leading them is giving ultimate utilitarian lesbian big time.
6. The Scarecrow
The scarecrow is DL and I won’t be elaborating.
Yearning for a brain? Okay, queen.
5. The Tin Man
The Tin Man seems like a nice older gay man with a husband and a couple dogs. Also, and this is important, I played the Tin Man in an elementary school production of Oz and everyone knows I’m the biggest dyke of all time so the Tin Man is gay. I rocked my lil gray sweatsuit and said my lines!
4. The Flying Monkeys
You’re gonna look at me and tell me they aren’t giving chaotic bisexual energy? In their cute little outfits, flying around?! Anything that can fly is gay. This is not a rule I made up even though it sounds like it is. You ever seen a hummingbird? Flitting around like that is queer, its top of the list of gay activities!
3. Wicked Witch of the West
She’s a bitter dyke, a lesbian villain, only governed by her thirst for revenge. In all black and again…FLYING!! Also: poppies… POPPERS?!?! You see where I’m going with this. Wicked Witch of the West is like the perpetually single lesbian in your life that’s over it but doesn’t enjoy dating enough to get back out there. She’s catty, mean, quick with one-liners. Gay.
2. Wicked Witch of the East
1. The Cowardly Lion
He talks with such a flourish, rolling his R’s in an unnecessary fashion, the little bow in his mane. The Cowardly Lion is the gayest of them all. I must come back to the yearning, he feels like he has to be this masculine, fearless lion because of the narrative about his species but he’s a darling who loves to break out into song.
Also when they all finally meet and decide to go see the Wizard and sing their little song, the part where they go:
“I’m sure to get a brain (The Scarecrow)
or a heart (the Tin Man)
a home (Dorothy)”
and then he comes in with “the NERVE (pronounced NEY-ve)” is so fucking funny and gay oh my god. His growls and purrs have me on the floor. Purring is gay, it just is. We have claimed it. He’s also has a perpetual case of limp wrist.
I could go on and on but who’s got the time. He is the King of the Forest, and the King of my Heart, and that’s that on that.
What were your comfort movies as a kid? What’s your ranking? Let me know in the comments!
This is a gift. Thank you.
oh my god I AM the Wicked Witch of the West. also, I had a terrible confusing crush on her as a child (the scene with the hourglass!!!) and now I’m a kinky adult, which I think makes a lot of sense.
God, the way she was one of the first of MANY female villains I was attracted to….I too am kinky and queer now lol
The Wicked Witch of the West to kinky queerness pipeline
Agreed with all of these – I too played the tin man once, and nobody could decide what gender I should be, which of course is extremely dykey
what an iconic article! dorothy’s “Also, rounding up a clan of well-meaning, but incompetent, men and leading them is giving ultimate utilitarian lesbian big time” is particularly excellent
my childhood comfort movies were hercules (megara and herc are the most bi4bi couple ever and let’s not forget hades)and a league of their own, which is so extensively gay that i need not discuss further
I’m surprised no one commented on your savage number 2 there.
I read this to my partner and she is upset that the lollipop guild did not make an appearance
🍭🍭🍭🍭 good point!
Dani I love this! The way queer kids just live on these classics is just so relatable. I loved Annie so much too! I had the biggest crush on Grace Ferral.
The phrase “a clan of well-meaning, but incompetent, men” is probably going to stay lodged in my mind forever and for that, I thank you Dani!
Wow, yes, agree 100%!
To add another layer, Billie Burke (aka the actress that plays Glinda) makes an appearance on Riese’s lesbians & bisexuals of old Hollywood chart! 🌈
I can someone please tell me what “DL” means because I am burning with curiosity 👀
Nvm I just Urbandictionary’d it, I love it.
You are so right about the Lion!
My childhood comfort film was The Labyrinth. I’m pretty sure that film made me gay. Everything about it is gay, from Jennifer Connelly’s quest to reunite her family – and instead finding her gay community (muppets=gay) – to high femme faries that bite and David Bowie’s tight leather trousers. Although my sister insists to this day that David Bowie in leather trousers is what made her straight, so who knows….
Could totally see the Cowardly Lion finding out a decade later that his crush (now monogamously married) crushed on him too but no one ever made a move. Very lesbian of him.
Wow! I did not know that, that was new information for me jtownmoldremediation.com/
1.Tin Man gives me super gay
2.Cowardly Lion, for the reasons
3.The Guard who gives Dorothy the
4.The Wizard. Dude actually said,
“Well bust my buttons!”
5.The Lollipop Guild.