R.I.P. Guitar Hero: Oh, The Battles We Will Never Have!

Yesterday gaming giant Activision announced that they are going to mercilessly kill off the Guitar Hero franchise.

I’ll give you a moment to process that.

A decline in demand for music-themed video games has been blamed for the cut, apparently the gamers of today are more interested in stealing cars and blowing shit up than rocking out to “Only Happy When It Rains” via a smokin’ hot Shirley Manson avatar.

I am completely gutted. Guitar Hero has been an integral part of my life since 2006, it completes me. It’s not just a game to me. See, I have huge rockstar dreams but limited natural music talent, so I rely on simulated play for a sense of fulfillment. On a real guitar with real strings I can’t even nail the chorus of a 3-chord Green Day song. On one of those shiny Guitar Hero toy controllers, however, not only can I can play the shit out of Tool’s “Vicarious” I can also occasionally beat my freaky guitar genius girlfriend in a battle. That smug feeling I get from being able to tap brightly colored buttons in time to visual cues better than anyone else in my living room is really good for my self-esteem. Maybe you know what I’m talking about.

Yesterday I was sitting in my emo cave contemplating a world without Guitar Hero 7, and started daydreaming about some awesome future Guitar Hero games that will now never see the light of day. At least not until some marketer decides that enough time has passed for The Kids to consider the controllers ‘retro’.

Amazing Guitar Hero Games That Will Never Be:

Guitar Hero: Kaki King

The closest I’ll ever come to playing one of my favorite Kaki King songs on guitar is if developers somehow found a way to translate them into play-by-color Guitar Hero tunes. Impossible, right? Let a girl dream.

Guitar Hero: Girl Band

Did any of you ever listen to Veruca Salt? Seether! Think about how good that could be! See also: the Spice Girls, Kittie, The Go-Gos, The Bangles, The Runaways… in my head they cross-promote with the movie and make Kristen Stewart a playable character.

Guitar Hero: 00’s Emo Anthems

Give me a mega play list of bleeding heart she-left-me-and-now-everything-has-gone-dark anthems from Taking Back Sunday, The Used, Fall Out Boy & My Chemical Romance.

Guitar Hero: Tegan & Sara

I mean you guys would’ve bought that, right? Me too. Their avatars would be super cute, they could play matching Les Pauls omg.

Guitar Hero: Erasure

Listen to “A Little Respect” and tell me that it wouldn’t be a little bit amazing. See also: Guitar Hero: Ace of Base.

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How do you feel about Guitar Hero ending? lost? sad? me too. Let’s process.

Happier times

Crystal is a 33-year-old Australian living in Chicago. Founding member, does HR stuff, writes now and then.

Crystal has written 324 articles for us.

24 Comments

  1. A moment of silence for the drunken family guitar hero marathons, a la Christmas two years ago. The songs were perfect- ones my aunts/uncles knew in high school and possibly slow danced to at prom, the alcohol was free flowing, and the blackmail photos are worth at least one acceptance-upon-coming-out-later-down-the-road. These are the memories I will cherish.

  2. The Guitar Hero controller does weird things to my jacked up joints, so while my dominance at beat games is usually ASSURED (I used to be highly ranked on Amplitude online, suckas!) I’ve never really been able to do Guitar Hero.

    I have a game that I got off Steam that’s a Guitar Hero clone that you can plug your own music into! I think you can even plug in a Guitar Hero controller if you have a USB one or something! But I dunno if it would work for you Mac-types…

  3. But Rock Band lives on (at least so far)! I know it’s not the same, but there is still the potential for Ace of Base Rock Band. Which I would buy the shit out of even though it would cost me, like, $400 to play because I don’t have any current gen systems or Rock Band paraphernalia just so I could have the experience of rocking out to “Wheel of Fortune” because I love Ace of Base in a serious manner that no one really should so much so that it causes run on sentences.

  4. Rock Band is infinitely better anyway. Guitar Hero was way too metal/hardcore(?)/music I don’t care for. You can use the same guitars too. You won’t have to buy new ones.

    And there is at least one Tegan & Sara song on RB 3. It’s the Con and it’s fun to sing.

    Or you could, you know, spend those hours learning how to play a real instrument. I’ve been teaching myself guitar and ukulele. It’s fun.

  5. This is obviously a ruse by Activision to generate publicity ahead of the launch of the music game I have long dreamt of: Marimba Hero.

    I wonder if they realised that everyone was getting pissed off at shelling out another hundred quid every time they wanted the latest peripheral.

    With the advent of Kinect, I am concerned it will lead to users attempting to control their games with an entirely different type of strumming.

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