This week on Pretty Little Liars Paige and Emily get some major jealousy time followed by some major smooching time. Plus we watch as the show pays homage to — or maybe just completely rips off — a thoroughly mediocre ’90s thriller.

We pick up the same night we left off just hours after Jason bolted from the hospital. The Liars gather after-hours at the Life Cafe for one of their trusty circle jerks where they try to put all the A pieces together.

THE GAME IS CALLED GO FISH. ACES ARE HIGH, TWOS AND RED THREES ARE WILD. NO LIMIT.

Too bad each of them always holds enough back to keep them from getting to the truth. Like how Spencer still hasn’t told the other Liars that TobAy is on the A team. Seriously Spencer, lock it the fuck up.

NO. I DEFINITELY NEVER TRIED ANAL. WHY, HAVE YOU?

Detective Wilden busts in and claims Jason’s been making up dirty dirty rumors about him. The worst kind of rumors too — the kind that are true. Wilden is totally annoying because he’s the sort of character writers bring in when they’re temporarily out of bad guys. The useless type.

DID SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA WITH EXTRA SAUSAGE?

Aria heads back to her house to find that Wesleywolf has bolted. Remember, he was supposed to sleep over until he accidentally fell onto Aria’s lips.

ALL I HAVE NOW IS THIS BOOK AND A FUR COVERED COUCH

The next morning, Ashley and Hanna walk to work/school/yogalattes. The two discuss all those TV mother/daughter things like their feelings about other people’s babies and whether asparagus makes your pee smell.

YOU SEE HANNA MEN REALLY DO WANT A LADY IN THE STREET BUT A FREAK IN THE BED. THEY REALY DO.

It’s here that they see Detective Wilden shove Cece into his car. Ashely isn’t completely blind so she notices when Hanna freaks out. She tries to get Hanna to explain why she knows that much older girl, but “All my friends sleep with much older men” doesn’t seem to be a good explanation. Hanna fesses up that she and her friends think Wilden knocked up Ali, but doesn’t give the full explanation. This is what drives me nuts. Why lie when there’s no reason not to tell the whole truth? Exposing that Cece filled them in and then Emily found a picture doesn’t expose any secrets or even make Hanna look suspicious.

LOOK, MY STUPID DIVA CUP IS LEAKING. CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO HOME SO I CAN GET SOME OB TAMPONS?

At the Hastings’ residence, Melissa is still in town! With a fancy new haircut that is super becoming on her. Well, if I were on her I’d be…. you know the rest. Melissa tells Spencer to get out of bed and go to school or else she’s going to have to tell on her to Mom and Pop Hastings. No one wants to make Papa Hastings mad. He only gets like twelve total minutes of screen time per season and it’s a shame to let him spend it all shouting when he could be hiring private investigators or burning evidence.

EVER SINCE YOU GOT THAT SUBSCRIPTION TO CRASHPAD YOU NEVER GET OUT OF BED

At school, Emily is looking fresh to death in a plaid shirt with some sort of combo leather/denim jacket on top. Drool. Hanna fills her in on the dramarama of Cece getting shipped off in Wilden’s police car of doom.

HE WAS GIVING HER THE LONG ARM OF JUSTICE. SO TO SPEAK.

Without explaining anything about his Houdini move, Emily says that Jason texted her. He’s laying low in a farm up in the country. Everyone who has ever had a pet gerbil knows that means he’s dead. Either way, Hanna wants to do a little sleuthing and proposes the idea that maybe they should talk to that costume girl. The two decide to hit Paige up for more info after school. I’d rather Emily hit her up for something else after school. Heyooo.

I JUST THINK IF I’M GOING TO BE A PROFESSIONAL LESBIAN I REALLY SHOULD START GETTING MY COFFEE IN A REUSABLE TO-GO MUG.

Hanna reveals to Emily about the dice on the collection box dollars and how Caleb’s dad maybe thieving them and all that good stuff. Unless Caleb’s dad ends up being Mona’s secert older boyfriend, this plot line bores me.

WELL I HOPE THEY WERE PRO-GAY RIGHTS.

After school, Aria is still doing that thing where she shows up at Ezra’s Annex unannounced. She’s on the phone with Wesleywolf telling him they need to talk about their big lipsmack when she realizes someone else is in the apartment.

ARIA’S HAIR LOOKS 100% LIKE AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE MULLET HERE

Who does she find? Wesleywolf? Nope! It’s Ezra.

IT IS I! EZRAMAN! DEFENDER OF DEAD WHITE AUTHORS AND PROTECTOR OF OLDER MEN WHO LIKE BANGING YOUNGER GIRLS

Aria wants to know why he hasn’t called or texted or gchatted her in weeks. Ezra apologize for shutting Aria out, probably because he’s a person over 25 who has ever been in a relationship. He’s super excited to be back and double plus extra in love with Aria which makes her feel soooo bad for kissing all up on his brother. I mean who does that? Just goes around kissing every werewolf who reads poetry to you in your bedroom. Anyways Ezra wants to discuss his whole big new fatherhood life over dinner.

JUST TO CLARIFY, YOU DIDN’T ACCIDENTALLY KISS MY BROTHER OR ANYTHING, RIGHT?

Starsweep to Rosewood High where Spencer is hiding out in Ella’s classroom of literature and love.

THIS IS MY HOME NOW

Enter Ella who’s wearing a black jacket she probably stole from her own daughter. Spencer admits to Ella that “things have changed.” I mean, she was half a virgin when she met TobAy!

WELL JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU EVER WANT TO SPEND TIME IN THIS ROOM WRITING ADJECTIVES ON THE BOARD OR SOMETHING

Outside the school, Hanna and Emily run into Paige. She’s getting into her sweet ride for a mission and doesn’t even ask if Emily wants to come along for some road head.

SEES THE REAL L WORD FOR THE FIRST TIME

Ridiculous. Everyone who’s ever been a high school lesbian knows that you’re supposed to invite your girlfriend to do every last thing with you. Emily wants to know how Paige could dare to do something without her. Paige claims she’s on her way to get even more little elf braids put into her hair.

EVERYONE KNOWS THOSE BRAIDS JUST APPEAR BY MAGIC

Just kidding! They’re all going to the costume store is Paige’s sweet Toyota Matrix.

SHOULD REALLY BE A SUBARU

Back inside, Spencer rushes into the bathroom trying to hide. Aria, having just been hit by a huge gust of air just as she was putting gel in, spots her and follows her in. Spencer refuses to talk to Aria and hides out in the bathroom stall like a child. Spencer: grow the fuck up.

MARINA AND JENNY

At the costume shop, it becomes apparent instantly that something fishy is going on between Paige and that biddie Shana. Like sexy fishy. Wait, I mean sexy fishy like there’s history there, not like a bacterial infection or anything. Geez why do you guys always go there?

OH. SO NOW YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHERE THE FRENCH TICKLERS ARE. I SEE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE.

I hope Paige kissed her on the face as part of some bizarre misguided attempt to get information out of her. Paige is such a sucker for bizarre misguided attempts at stuff. Also how does Rosewood have more lesbians than the entire city of Providence? How is that even statistically possible?

JUST RECEIVED THE FRENCH PART OF THE AFOREMENTIONED FRENCH TICKLER

AND THERE’S THE TICKLER

Paige was hoping to wrangle some good info out of Shana, but her lips are now officially closed for business. Apparently all costume documents and transactions are super confidential and for trained costume employees only. I’m curious why no one has tapped the potential for a really good threesome here.

AS YOU MAY REMEMBER THE FEELDO ONLY WORKS FOR TWO

In a stroke of genius, Emily fakes like she has to use the bathroom. She sneaks into the back where, magically, she finds the shop’s computer. Did I say computer? I mean company iPad. She instantly knows how to use the system, despite the fact that nearly all small businesses have shit for computer systems. It’s super user-friendly! This might be the least realistic part of this TV show.

NICE TOUCH WITH THE KEYS IN THE BACK POCKET. SO GAY

Emily has been on this show for like three seasons, so she knows that when someone says they’re going to the bathroom, that actually means they’re snooping around in back. Her acting skills in the role of “Someone who cares about costumes” are lukewarm at best. Shana immediately knows something is afoot and tries desperately to kick Paige and Hanna out. I think we can all agree that Hanna would have had better luck if she’d attempted the role of “Wants to get on Shana.” Particularly because Shana is smoking hot and, if inviting Paige down to the store only to turn her away says anything, clearly desperate for attention and batshit crazy. I love her already.

THIS IS NICE AND ALL, BUT NOT REALLY WHAT I EXPECTED WHEN I SAID I NEED A COSTUME TO BE A “QUEEN BITCH TOP.”

The shop’s computer system actually records every person who rents a costume, and Emily finds the Queen of Hearts costume log just as the phone starts to ring in back. What is this?! A dramatic comercial break before we find out what happens?

FRENCH TICKLER ATTEMPT #2

We’re back from comercial and surprisingly still at the costume shop! This is like ten full minutes of one plot line with three lesbians! Shana almost busts Emily, but she manages to email herself the costume information at the last minute.

SORRY THAT TOOK SO LONG. I’VE JUST BEEN SUPER CONSTIPATED.

APPLE PRODUCT PLACEMENT #746

The three rush out but not before Paige gives Shana this look:

CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THE BUTTERFLY COSTUME IN THE BACKGROUND?!

It was not Lindsay Shaw’s best moment.

Starsweep to the Life Cafe where Aria still hasn’t recovered from the earlier gust of wind. On the other hand, I’m obsessed with her scarf/generally awesome outfit so I’ll lay off.

DEAR DIARY,
TODAY I THREW OUT ALL MY OLD LISA FRANK TRAPER-KEEPERS IN ORDER TO PURSUE A MORE MATURE ME. BUT I COULDN’T BARE TO ALSO THROW OUT MY GEL PENS. I MEAN, THEY’RE STILL THE BEST WAY TO INCORPORATE SPARKLE INTO MY WRITING. OH DIARY, WHEN WILL I BE GROWN?

She is confronted by Mummy Dearest Fitzgerald. Remember when Ezra’s last name was Fitzgerald? I forgot about that little plot moment. Those were simpler times. Mummy Dearest Fitzgerald pretends that she’s so happy and impressed that Aria is an accommodating adult while simultaneously actually just trying to stir up anxiety. Blah blah blah things will change between you two, blah blah blah new son, blah blah blah I tried to do what was best for him. This is boring, let’s bring back Wesleywolf and his collection of memorized poetry.

DO YOU SEE THESE PEARLS? I COULD BUY YOUR WHOLE FAMILY WITH THESE PEARLS

Starsweep to Hanna’s where Emily speculates that maybe TobAy cheated. She literally cannot think of another reason why Spencer would be so mad. How has no one questioned whether he raped her or something? I mean this is just not a normal break-up reaction. Or even speculated that maybe he tricked her out of a bunch of money. Or that he’s fucking A. It’s like they’re not even trying.

MAYBE HE JUST LIKE, HAD REALLY SUPER BAD TASTE IN MUSIC, YOU KNOW?

Hanna, however, is our favorite interpersonal guru now and is immediately like, “Girl you are just totally projecting because you think Paige cheated on you with Shana because you’re a crazy lesbotron with trust issues!!”

SHIT STRAIGHT GIRLS SAY

EMILY WINS THE REACTION SHOT

Aria shows up and crashes the party being totally miserable and a dark storm. It’s really never explained why she’s over there but I guess we can chalk it up to the mysteries of TV land. Or they texted her and invited her over. One or the other. Either way Aria’s pissed about Ezra’s mom and has no interest spending the night following Shana around having Shane ask her if she likes those sweet figs.

CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THAT CUTE PICTURE OF THE FIVE OF THEM ON THE NIGHTSTAND. TOO MUCH I CAN’T EVEN. BRB I HAVE TO GO TAKE THAT PICTURE WITH MY FRIENDS.

Starsweep to a fancy-pants restaurant where Ashley meets up with Wilden. He orders a glass of wine, but not in a nice way. Like in a creepy way. Ashley, don’t drink that wine! If I lived in Rosewood I would only drink or eat things I prepared myself. Ashley wants to know what the fuck is going on and why the hell an officer of the law is, essentially, harassing minors. Wilden just gets right into it and claims the Liars are spreading vicious rumors about him. He says there’s no truth to the rumor that he knocked up a high school chick who subsequently went missing. It’s a tense moment.

WHY IS THERE ONLY SALT ON THIS TABLE AND NO PEPPER?

Flashdance to the Life Cafe where Spencer is reading just as Wren stops by. He is literally the least busy resident/fellow/physician of all time. Isn’t there an annoying electronic records system he should be fighting with somewhere?

I’VE JUST BEEN TRYING NOT TO BITE THEM. YOU KNOW, CAN’T HAVE ANY OPEN SORES ON MY FINGERS.

Spencer apologizes for using Wren. Wren admits that after Mona told him that Spencer and TobAy had broken up, he was hoping he could get in on some of Spencer’s sweet sweet loving. Despite that fact that Wren is a 1,000 years old doctor, Spencer thinks this is pretty nice and the two agree to go out on another date.

I’M JUST A WIDDLE BIG EYED BABY AND ALL I WANT IS A BIG STWONG MAN TO TAKE CAWE OF ME

Back over where everybody is hanging out with Spencer, Aria takes center stage. She fills in the other liars about how Ezra is back and his mom is crazy. She also admits that she fell on Wesleywolf lips. I don’t understand why we have to watch Aria rehash shit to her friends that we already know, yet we don’t get to see 90% of Emily and Paige’s relationship.

AND THEN HE ASKED IF I KNEW WHAT A REVERSE COWGIRL WAS

Wren and Spencer walk home from their dinner. They flirt and then Wren accidentally trips and falls on Spencer’s mouth. At first she’s like, “Um have you heard? I don’t do happiness anymore” but then she loses interest in her own plot line and kisses Wren back. I’m gonna say that totally confirms that Wren works for A.

HE COULDN’T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO TUCK IN HIS SHIRT.

Starsweep to Ezra’s Annex where Aria busts in on Ezra and Mummy Dearest fighting it out about the baby situation. Mummy Dearest leaves, they kiss, you know the drill.

I JUST LOVE IT WHEN YOU KISS ME WITH MORE THAN SIX RINGS ON

Somehow there’s still time left in this night, and Emily heads over to Paige’s house. Or maybe Paige is at Emily’s. All of their bedrooms look the same. Paige is sort of pissed that Emily got Shana in trouble by emailing super confidential costume documents using her account.This should be a fight where Emily is in trouble, but she’s a professional high school lesbian and makes it about Paige being in trouble.

IS IT THE BRAID? DO YOU NOT LIKE THE BRAID

Emily: It’s complicated, Okay?
Paige: Try me. There’s more to this than you’re letting on. Is this about Mona? Did she kill Garret?
Emily: You’re clearly about two seasons behind.

Emily sort of filled in Paige about there maybe being a new A. She also asks Paige what the hell was going on with Shana and Paige tries to act like it was all NBD. Even if it had actually been nothing, Emily is too traumatized and crazy to believe that, so she’s not buying it. Paige admits that she and Shana dated over the summer while Paige was growing her hair out and buying a completely new wardrobe and personality.

SHIT STRAIGHT GIRLS SAY AFTER THEIR EXPERIMENTAL PHASES

Emily decides that’s a good enough answer and they kiss and there are fireworks.

LEAVING ROOM FOR THE HOLY SPIRIT

Out in the middle of the street somewhere, Spencer sees a girl in a red coat walk by. Is it A?! No, it’s just a random dude. If they don’t tell us who Red Coat is soon I’m going to have to assume it’s TobAy in a wig.

TOBAY DOES HAVE THOSE SKINNY CALVES

Spencer heads home where she tossles with Melissa again. Melissa is part ferret and has a wicked keen nose. She can smell on Spencer the bottle of everlasting cologne she gave Wren three years ago.

SMELLS LIKE SANDALWOOD AND BALLSACKS

Starsweep to Ezra’s Annex where Ezra and Aria have just sat down for a lovely movie night. Just then the phone rings! It’s Maggie and she is pissed. Mummy Dearest owns her condo and just sold it. What a jerk! Actually this makes me think that Maggie is in cahoots with Mummy Dearest and that Mummy Dearest offered Maggie money to tell Ezra as soon as she found out about Aria. That’s the plot twist I would write in.

SO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS THAT MY AGE IS TECHNICALLY CLOSER TO YOUR SON’S THAN YOURS?

Elsewhere, Wilden pulls over Ashley and accuses her of drinking and driving. We all know she hasn’t been and Wilden is just another sad reminder of The Patriarchy.

THIS IS WHAT THE PATRIARCHY LOOKS LIKE

Oh and all this is being recorded!

THIS LAPTOP BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE YEAR 2004

Things get a little weird between Wilden threatening to mess with Hanna and Ashley threatening to be totally uninterested in covering for Wilden. So Ashley runs over him with her car. Seemed like it wasn’t well thought out.

I DREAMED A DREAM IN TIME GONE BYYYYYYYYYYY

Starsweep back to Spencer’s where we discover she has a totally dope steam room. We also discover she steams wearing a bath towel even when she’s alone in her own house. Oh, did I say alone? I meant in her house with A. Yeah, A’s there.

TRUE LIFE I LIVE IN MAGNETO’S PRISON CELL

Emily goes over to Cece’s for totally unknown reasons. Like, how does she even know where Cece lives? Cece is trying her best to rush the hell out of town. She, for one, truly believes that Wilden killed Ali. She just never said anything because she figured he and his buddies on the force would cover it up. This does really add a new layer to the Can’t Trust the Police thing going on in Rosewood. I guess the writers have to explain away why the Liars never bring new information to the police somehow. Just before she heads out the door Cece does drop one last info nugget. That picture of Wilden, Ali and herself? Taken by one Ms. Melissa Hastings. At least that explains why she’s back in town. I just figured her contract dictated that she be in nine episodes per season or something.

HEY EMILY GUESS WHAT I HAVE UNDERNEATH THIS CAPE/BUTT FLAP?

Starsweep to Spencer where she gets stuck in her steam shower.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR KALE? ARE WE STILL ALLOWED TO STEAM KALE? SOMEONE NEEDS TO CLARIFY THE RULES.

It was really dramatic and a lot of screen time was devoted to Spencer freaking out and trying to get out. Not very much time was spent on the logistics of how Spencer’s bathrobe stayed up despite getting increasingly wet with steam. That must have been pure magic.

HELP! THIS BATHROBE IS GOING TO DROP ANY MINUTE AND I’M NOT READY TO LOSE THAT LEVERAGE AS AN ACTRESS YET!!

Then Aria shows up and saves her. It is never explained why she came over or what she is doing in the bathroom.

HERE LETS GET YOU OUT OF THAT WET TOWEL AND INTO A DRY MARTINI

Back over at the Marin’s house of lies, Ashely sits alone in the kitchen. Despite the fact that she hit Wilden to protect Hanna, she then puts her in immediate danger by telling her about the whole thing. C’mon Ashley, try to be consistent. At least this saves us from A revealing the whole thing to Hanna via a dramatic movie projection onto Caleb’s back during the middle of sex or something. Ashley cuts the crap and literally just says “I think I killed Wilden.”

I DON’T NORMALLY DRINK WHISKEY BUT I FOUND A WHOLE BUNCH OF IT ON JASON’S PORCH

Meanwhile, Aria and Spencer try to figure out what the hell just happened. Also Spencer hydrates because that’s super important after a steam. Spencer decides to grab A by the balls and just tell her friends that TobAy is A. Instead of quietly and secretly telling each one, so as not to arouse suspicion from A, Spencer has Aria aget ll the Liars together.

AND ONE FINAL STRIKE FROM THE FRENCH TICKLER!

Hanna and Ashely drive out to where Ashley hit Wilden to see if he’s still alive. His car is stil there, but neither Wilden’s dead body or his obnoxious alive one is anywhere to be seen. The laptop in his car, however is still recording. Cue the plot line of I Know What You Did Last Summer.

THE FINAL RECEIVER OF THE FRENCH TICKER.

FYI Hanna’s shirt has 97 on it and 1997 was totally the year I Know What You Did Last Summer came out. A movie which, I might add, ends with writing on the mirror of a steamed up bathroom. There’s no way that’s all coincidental.

Looks like we won’t know what Spencer says to the Liars until next week, but our final cut scene has A making a funeral wreath. Looks like Wilden really is dead. Whoops. In my gut I feel like we’ll discover that Wild actually survived the hit and run only to be stabbed to death by A.

MY FAVORITE PART IS HOW THE DOLLS HAVE NEW OUTFITS EVERY WEEK. WHOSE JOB IS THAT TO DRESS THE DOLLS?

Tune in next week for the shocking discovery that Paige and Shana previously adopted a cat together named Mr. Mittens and the two are now in bitter litigation over ownership. Or maybe Spencer will just finally tell the truth about TobAy and no one will believe her.

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