We’re back from comercial and surprisingly still at the costume shop! This is like ten full minutes of one plot line with three lesbians! Shana almost busts Emily, but she manages to email herself the costume information at the last minute.

SORRY THAT TOOK SO LONG. I’VE JUST BEEN SUPER CONSTIPATED.

APPLE PRODUCT PLACEMENT #746

The three rush out but not before Paige gives Shana this look:

CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THE BUTTERFLY COSTUME IN THE BACKGROUND?!

It was not Lindsay Shaw’s best moment.

Starsweep to the Life Cafe where Aria still hasn’t recovered from the earlier gust of wind. On the other hand, I’m obsessed with her scarf/generally awesome outfit so I’ll lay off.

DEAR DIARY,
TODAY I THREW OUT ALL MY OLD LISA FRANK TRAPER-KEEPERS IN ORDER TO PURSUE A MORE MATURE ME. BUT I COULDN’T BARE TO ALSO THROW OUT MY GEL PENS. I MEAN, THEY’RE STILL THE BEST WAY TO INCORPORATE SPARKLE INTO MY WRITING. OH DIARY, WHEN WILL I BE GROWN?

She is confronted by Mummy Dearest Fitzgerald. Remember when Ezra’s last name was Fitzgerald? I forgot about that little plot moment. Those were simpler times. Mummy Dearest Fitzgerald pretends that she’s so happy and impressed that Aria is an accommodating adult while simultaneously actually just trying to stir up anxiety. Blah blah blah things will change between you two, blah blah blah new son, blah blah blah I tried to do what was best for him. This is boring, let’s bring back Wesleywolf and his collection of memorized poetry.

DO YOU SEE THESE PEARLS? I COULD BUY YOUR WHOLE FAMILY WITH THESE PEARLS

Starsweep to Hanna’s where Emily speculates that maybe TobAy cheated. She literally cannot think of another reason why Spencer would be so mad. How has no one questioned whether he raped her or something? I mean this is just not a normal break-up reaction. Or even speculated that maybe he tricked her out of a bunch of money. Or that he’s fucking A. It’s like they’re not even trying.

MAYBE HE JUST LIKE, HAD REALLY SUPER BAD TASTE IN MUSIC, YOU KNOW?

Hanna, however, is our favorite interpersonal guru now and is immediately like, “Girl you are just totally projecting because you think Paige cheated on you with Shana because you’re a crazy lesbotron with trust issues!!”

SHIT STRAIGHT GIRLS SAY

EMILY WINS THE REACTION SHOT

Aria shows up and crashes the party being totally miserable and a dark storm. It’s really never explained why she’s over there but I guess we can chalk it up to the mysteries of TV land. Or they texted her and invited her over. One or the other. Either way Aria’s pissed about Ezra’s mom and has no interest spending the night following Shana around having Shane ask her if she likes those sweet figs.

CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THAT CUTE PICTURE OF THE FIVE OF THEM ON THE NIGHTSTAND. TOO MUCH I CAN’T EVEN. BRB I HAVE TO GO TAKE THAT PICTURE WITH MY FRIENDS.

Starsweep to a fancy-pants restaurant where Ashley meets up with Wilden. He orders a glass of wine, but not in a nice way. Like in a creepy way. Ashley, don’t drink that wine! If I lived in Rosewood I would only drink or eat things I prepared myself. Ashley wants to know what the fuck is going on and why the hell an officer of the law is, essentially, harassing minors. Wilden just gets right into it and claims the Liars are spreading vicious rumors about him. He says there’s no truth to the rumor that he knocked up a high school chick who subsequently went missing. It’s a tense moment.

WHY IS THERE ONLY SALT ON THIS TABLE AND NO PEPPER?

Flashdance to the Life Cafe where Spencer is reading just as Wren stops by. He is literally the least busy resident/fellow/physician of all time. Isn’t there an annoying electronic records system he should be fighting with somewhere?

I’VE JUST BEEN TRYING NOT TO BITE THEM. YOU KNOW, CAN’T HAVE ANY OPEN SORES ON MY FINGERS.

Spencer apologizes for using Wren. Wren admits that after Mona told him that Spencer and TobAy had broken up, he was hoping he could get in on some of Spencer’s sweet sweet loving. Despite that fact that Wren is a 1,000 years old doctor, Spencer thinks this is pretty nice and the two agree to go out on another date.

I’M JUST A WIDDLE BIG EYED BABY AND ALL I WANT IS A BIG STWONG MAN TO TAKE CAWE OF ME

Back over where everybody is hanging out with Spencer, Aria takes center stage. She fills in the other liars about how Ezra is back and his mom is crazy. She also admits that she fell on Wesleywolf lips. I don’t understand why we have to watch Aria rehash shit to her friends that we already know, yet we don’t get to see 90% of Emily and Paige’s relationship.

AND THEN HE ASKED IF I KNEW WHAT A REVERSE COWGIRL WAS

Wren and Spencer walk home from their dinner. They flirt and then Wren accidentally trips and falls on Spencer’s mouth. At first she’s like, “Um have you heard? I don’t do happiness anymore” but then she loses interest in her own plot line and kisses Wren back. I’m gonna say that totally confirms that Wren works for A.

HE COULDN’T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO TUCK IN HIS SHIRT.

Starsweep to Ezra’s Annex where Aria busts in on Ezra and Mummy Dearest fighting it out about the baby situation. Mummy Dearest leaves, they kiss, you know the drill.

I JUST LOVE IT WHEN YOU KISS ME WITH MORE THAN SIX RINGS ON

Somehow there’s still time left in this night, and Emily heads over to Paige’s house. Or maybe Paige is at Emily’s. All of their bedrooms look the same. Paige is sort of pissed that Emily got Shana in trouble by emailing super confidential costume documents using her account.This should be a fight where Emily is in trouble, but she’s a professional high school lesbian and makes it about Paige being in trouble.

IS IT THE BRAID? DO YOU NOT LIKE THE BRAID

Emily: It’s complicated, Okay?
Paige: Try me. There’s more to this than you’re letting on. Is this about Mona? Did she kill Garret?
Emily: You’re clearly about two seasons behind.

Emily sort of filled in Paige about there maybe being a new A. She also asks Paige what the hell was going on with Shana and Paige tries to act like it was all NBD. Even if it had actually been nothing, Emily is too traumatized and crazy to believe that, so she’s not buying it. Paige admits that she and Shana dated over the summer while Paige was growing her hair out and buying a completely new wardrobe and personality.

SHIT STRAIGHT GIRLS SAY AFTER THEIR EXPERIMENTAL PHASES

Emily decides that’s a good enough answer and they kiss and there are fireworks.

LEAVING ROOM FOR THE HOLY SPIRIT

Out in the middle of the street somewhere, Spencer sees a girl in a red coat walk by. Is it A?! No, it’s just a random dude. If they don’t tell us who Red Coat is soon I’m going to have to assume it’s TobAy in a wig.

TOBAY DOES HAVE THOSE SKINNY CALVES

Spencer heads home where she tossles with Melissa again. Melissa is part ferret and has a wicked keen nose. She can smell on Spencer the bottle of everlasting cologne she gave Wren three years ago.

SMELLS LIKE SANDALWOOD AND BALLSACKS

Starsweep to Ezra’s Annex where Ezra and Aria have just sat down for a lovely movie night. Just then the phone rings! It’s Maggie and she is pissed. Mummy Dearest owns her condo and just sold it. What a jerk! Actually this makes me think that Maggie is in cahoots with Mummy Dearest and that Mummy Dearest offered Maggie money to tell Ezra as soon as she found out about Aria. That’s the plot twist I would write in.

SO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS THAT MY AGE IS TECHNICALLY CLOSER TO YOUR SON’S THAN YOURS?

Elsewhere, Wilden pulls over Ashley and accuses her of drinking and driving. We all know she hasn’t been and Wilden is just another sad reminder of The Patriarchy.

THIS IS WHAT THE PATRIARCHY LOOKS LIKE

Oh and all this is being recorded!

THIS LAPTOP BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE YEAR 2004

Things get a little weird between Wilden threatening to mess with Hanna and Ashley threatening to be totally uninterested in covering for Wilden. So Ashley runs over him with her car. Seemed like it wasn’t well thought out.

I DREAMED A DREAM IN TIME GONE BYYYYYYYYYYY

Starsweep back to Spencer’s where we discover she has a totally dope steam room. We also discover she steams wearing a bath towel even when she’s alone in her own house. Oh, did I say alone? I meant in her house with A. Yeah, A’s there.

TRUE LIFE I LIVE IN MAGNETO’S PRISON CELL

Emily goes over to Cece’s for totally unknown reasons. Like, how does she even know where Cece lives? Cece is trying her best to rush the hell out of town. She, for one, truly believes that Wilden killed Ali. She just never said anything because she figured he and his buddies on the force would cover it up. This does really add a new layer to the Can’t Trust the Police thing going on in Rosewood. I guess the writers have to explain away why the Liars never bring new information to the police somehow. Just before she heads out the door Cece does drop one last info nugget. That picture of Wilden, Ali and herself? Taken by one Ms. Melissa Hastings. At least that explains why she’s back in town. I just figured her contract dictated that she be in nine episodes per season or something.

HEY EMILY GUESS WHAT I HAVE UNDERNEATH THIS CAPE/BUTT FLAP?

Starsweep to Spencer where she gets stuck in her steam shower.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR KALE? ARE WE STILL ALLOWED TO STEAM KALE? SOMEONE NEEDS TO CLARIFY THE RULES.

It was really dramatic and a lot of screen time was devoted to Spencer freaking out and trying to get out. Not very much time was spent on the logistics of how Spencer’s bathrobe stayed up despite getting increasingly wet with steam. That must have been pure magic.

HELP! THIS BATHROBE IS GOING TO DROP ANY MINUTE AND I’M NOT READY TO LOSE THAT LEVERAGE AS AN ACTRESS YET!!

Then Aria shows up and saves her. It is never explained why she came over or what she is doing in the bathroom.

HERE LETS GET YOU OUT OF THAT WET TOWEL AND INTO A DRY MARTINI

Back over at the Marin’s house of lies, Ashely sits alone in the kitchen. Despite the fact that she hit Wilden to protect Hanna, she then puts her in immediate danger by telling her about the whole thing. C’mon Ashley, try to be consistent. At least this saves us from A revealing the whole thing to Hanna via a dramatic movie projection onto Caleb’s back during the middle of sex or something. Ashley cuts the crap and literally just says “I think I killed Wilden.”

I DON’T NORMALLY DRINK WHISKEY BUT I FOUND A WHOLE BUNCH OF IT ON JASON’S PORCH

Meanwhile, Aria and Spencer try to figure out what the hell just happened. Also Spencer hydrates because that’s super important after a steam. Spencer decides to grab A by the balls and just tell her friends that TobAy is A. Instead of quietly and secretly telling each one, so as not to arouse suspicion from A, Spencer has Aria aget ll the Liars together.

AND ONE FINAL STRIKE FROM THE FRENCH TICKLER!

Hanna and Ashely drive out to where Ashley hit Wilden to see if he’s still alive. His car is stil there, but neither Wilden’s dead body or his obnoxious alive one is anywhere to be seen. The laptop in his car, however is still recording. Cue the plot line of I Know What You Did Last Summer.

THE FINAL RECEIVER OF THE FRENCH TICKER.

FYI Hanna’s shirt has 97 on it and 1997 was totally the year I Know What You Did Last Summer came out. A movie which, I might add, ends with writing on the mirror of a steamed up bathroom. There’s no way that’s all coincidental.

Looks like we won’t know what Spencer says to the Liars until next week, but our final cut scene has A making a funeral wreath. Looks like Wilden really is dead. Whoops. In my gut I feel like we’ll discover that Wild actually survived the hit and run only to be stabbed to death by A.

MY FAVORITE PART IS HOW THE DOLLS HAVE NEW OUTFITS EVERY WEEK. WHOSE JOB IS THAT TO DRESS THE DOLLS?

Tune in next week for the shocking discovery that Paige and Shana previously adopted a cat together named Mr. Mittens and the two are now in bitter litigation over ownership. Or maybe Spencer will just finally tell the truth about TobAy and no one will believe her.

Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!