Q:
Dear Daemonum X,
I started dating someone about six months ago named K who already had a long-term partner of two years. For context, I also have another partner named L. Everything has been really great and smooth and things have been going well until fairly recently. K started dating someone new about a month ago and is already spending a lot of time with her and Iâve never been so jealous in my life! Iâm not sure whatâs going on with me. I tried to talk to her about it but I got super upset, mostly with myself for feeling this way. I’ve never felt anything more than low grade jealousy that passes super fast with any of my other partners in any of their other relationships. Iâm starting to feel resentful towards K, I think, because her relationship is the cause of all these feelings. How do I deal? I donât want to feel like this anymore!
Sincerely,
Jealous Judy
A:
Dear Jealous Judy,
Congratulations if youâve gotten this far into polyamory and havenât had difficult jealousy feelings yet. Truly, a miracle! People think jealousy is something that only polyamory newbies feel, and once theyâve spent an arbitrary amount of time in several relationships at once they simply ascend to a higher being that doesnât feel jealous. This must be true because why would people continue to do things that make them uncomfortable? Why would anyone choose to suffer in polyamorous relationships when they could easily go back to the land of monogamy where jealousy simply does not exist!? All jokes aside, itâs understandable why youâre feeling really out of control and down on yourself about this considering youâre not a newbie. If youâve never had these feelings before, of course you donât know how to deal with them.
Letâs start there, JJ, in hopes of ridding you of some shame. This is my campaign to normalize jealousy at all levels of polyamory. Actually letâs go one step higher and normalize jealousy in all relationships, period! It happens, and it means youâre human, and it is okay! This is super annoying of me to say but most of the time I see jealousy as a gift. You feel itâs scaly little body start swimming in your stomach and you want to get rid of it immediately but hear me out! What if itâs actually here to teach you something.
Jealousy is mostly irrational (no one is *making you* feel jealous), but there are instances where jealousy is a beacon of intuition that we need to actually listen to. Jealousy can signal to us that something is wrong. If your partner is actively doing some shady things that make you feel jealous, that is totally not cool and you should listen to your gut. Hopefully youâve already discerned that this is not the case, but letâs talk about that real quick for our readers at home. It is possible to incite jealousy in someone else. For example, years ago before femme4femme was more popular, I was dating someone masc and we happened to have the same typeâfemmes. Because of the way our community prioritized masc-femme relationships, I didnât have much dating luck at all. My date knew this, and constantly threw it in my face. He would brag to me obnoxiously at length about how many femmes were interested in him, practically banging down his door to date him. While no one owes me a date or attention ever, trust me when I say that he was trying to make me feel badly by constantly pointing out how desirable he was. I unfortunately didnât listen to my gut when I knew he purposely inciting jealousy and that ended very badly. I recommend diving deep to understand if your jealousy is actually stemming from reality by asking if someone is truly trying to make you feel insecure or unworthy?
Most of the time you will likely discover that your jealous feelings are completely irrational. The useful axiom âfeelings arenât facts” comes into play here. In other words, what youâre feeling is real, but itâs not necessarily true. Thatâs the pesky thing about jealousy that everyone hates so muchâif you dig a little deeper youâll find that itâs highlighting a story youâve made up, or a story that others created and youâve internalized. âMy partner is dating someone with a PhD and I have a GED. Soon she will realize how stupid I am and break up with me!” This is an example of a made up story thatâs fueling jealousy completely founded on internalizing wack ideas that higher education actually makes you smarter, better, etc.
A lot of times we get bad feelings as a result of comparing ourselves to other people. Making a list in your head of why you donât stack up to your metamours is a fast track to being miserable. Therapist and mindfulness teacher Tara Brach said something about comparing yourself to others that kind of changed my life. She said that (paraphrasing) the second you compare yourself to someone else, you vacate your own life experience and disrespect yourself and the other person. In comparing, youâre projecting onto other people, which also denies them agency. Itâs helpful for me to think about the act of making comparisons in this rather extreme way even if these comparisons are only in my head.
Maybe youâre someone whoâs pretty secure and emotionally adept and you just havenât had your very specific spot poked at yet. What spot? The spot that turns you into Jealous Judy. Weâve all got it! The sensitive spots can be so different for each person. Some people have ten while others have one. Sometimes people canât deal when a metamour is similar to them because it makes them feel like thereâs a master plot to replace them. Some people canât deal when a metamour has a skillset or career that they wish they had. Sometimes itâs all about the looksâis Kâs new partner so hot that it makes you feel like Gollum in comparison? Once you start to feel this unpassing form of jealousy try and map out what spot is being poked. Is there a story there that youâve created or internalized that you now have to work to unlearn? Try to be kind to yourself and remember that beating yourself up or shaming yourself for having a hard time will not help you at all.
Itâs a cliche at this point but just naming exactly what The Spot is really is half the battle. Iâm a huge horror movie fan. In movies about demonic possession like The Exorcist or The Conjuring 2 itâs always part of the plot line that once they figure out the name of the demon theyâre trying to exorcise, the demon loses some power. Jealousy is just like that, duh! Once youâve learned whatâs going on, and can speak the story out loud or write it down, it will disempower your illusions or unfounded beliefs that are underneath it all. The work, however, doesnât stop there. Next, you have to try to step outside the story that you have about yourself thatâs making you feel insecure.
The last way that jealousy can be a gift is that it can illuminate when we have needs that arenât being met. The fucked up thing is that sometimes itâs a need you didnât even know you had! Letâs say that you donât feel an ongoing jealousy about Kâs new partner and you can pinpoint very specific times where you have felt jealous about their relationship. For example, letâs say that K brings her new date to her friend groupâs zoom hang out and then tells you that all her friends really loved her, which sends you into a spin of jealousy. You play it cool because acting out on your jealousy is not a good look. After spending some time thinking about your feelings on your own you realize that you donât even remember the last time K asked you to spend time with her friends. Friends are super important to you and you have the realization that you would love to get to know Kâs friends better if she feels comfortable with that. Bam! Your jealousy shined a light on something you didnât really know you needed until you saw someone else getting it! Now you can talk to K about your revelation and ask for what you need. Just be careful here to discern that it is actually something you need, and not something you want just because you saw someone else getting it.
In summary, there are three main things that conjure jealousyâ someoneâs actions are actually making you feel bad (a red flag), your spots of insecurity are being poked, and/or you have needs that arenât being met. You say âI donât want to feel like this anymore” at the end of your question, and while thatâs a fair desire, I canât guarantee you will magically stop feeling this way. Getting to the bottom of what thing is conjuring your jealousy is a good way to start working through those feelings though, and hopefully youâll eventually be able to âdeal” or at least not resent K and her new relationship so much for spurring these realizations in the form of jealousy. The good news here is that a lot of this work can (and must) be personal work, so ideally you can redirect your energy from resenting K to exploring your own wants and needs. Or, if Kâs behavior really is providing a red flag, you will come to that realization, too. I have confidence that you can figure this out!
Lucky for you, jealousy is a super hot topic in polyamory, so if youâd like to delve deeper into your feelings there is no shortage of self-help resources on the World Wide Web (like The Jealousy Workbook and this episode of Multiamory about Deconstructing Jealousy!). The number one thing I want you to remember is to please be kind to yourself on this journey â and remember to name your demons.
This was really interesting!
I feel like I have never been bothered by the idea of someone I care about having sex with anyone else (other than awareness of what decisions to take health-wise), however much I’m into them, but… their wanting to do something creatively with others that I want to do?? Low simmer.
Definitely potential for discovery.
Jealousy of metamours living somewhere soundproof, though, yuppp lol
Excellent column, super helpful. Thank you!
This is absolutely wonderful!!! What a great resource. I would like to make a recommendation: Clementine Morrigan’s writing on polyamory and attachment trauma is very useful for people with big feelings in situations like this. Maybe not exactly the question asker’s experience, but it could help someone who came upon this post because they’re struggling. :)
Hi DaemonumX,
Actually, I’m in an open relationship and feeling jealousy. That’s why I’m searching to solve this problem. Then I found your article it’s a really informative article. Thank you so much for sharing this informative article.
Hi DaemonumX,
Please tell me why I feel jealous in my open relationship?