Welcome to the fifth recap of the third season of Orange Is the New Black, a docu-dramaย about the last, bloody effort of men to thwart the inevitable genesis of an earth-saving matriarchal society.
Poussey is laughing, probably because she saw a pic of Lauren Morelli at A-camp making suspenders in Lauraโs workshop. Damn itโs nice to open with Poussey and that perfect smile of hers.
Enter Taystee carrying cleaning supplies and bringing her own gorgeous smile and perfect cheekbones to the scene.ย Poussey doesnโt jump up to help her and Taystee gives her some friendly shit for it. Theyโre just chums being chums yโall.
Poussey is going through the libraryโs card catalog to determine which books were destroyed during Caputoโs Bed Bug Reign of Terror. She comes across Bernard Shawโs Arms and The Man and makes up a summary for it. In Pousseyโs version, the book is about a man who loses his arms and must use his feet as weapons. But itโs all a euphemism for being a lesbian without arms and using your feet to fist someone.
Since Samira Wiley is painfully underused in this season, they threw her a bone and let her play pretend for about five minutes. Poussey goes off on an adorable tangent, giving us her best movie trailer voice-over about the โman using his feets as a weapon” aka lesbians lesbianing with their feets.
Poussey then letโs us all know that sheโs got a nap scheduled later and when I was in college, โnap” was code for โcome over for a sex break” and so…Poussey is giving us everything we need in this scene.ย Taystee adds to Pousseyโs interpretation by stating that โarms” could be weapons and thatโs just code for dildos. Duh.
Poussey brings up that nap again but Taystee doesnโt bite. Fuck, like why wonโt she just have a quickie nap with Poussey? Everyone takes a lesbian nap in college at least once, right?
But like any suave ladylover, Poussey doesnโt chase or beg Taystee to nap with her.
Taystee talks about the new job thatโs offering $1 an hour because fuck the prison industrial system forever. Maintenance sucks. Taystee finds gross chia poon hairballs in the corner of all the showers. And when all the chia poon hairballs get together, they form Pubetropolises and Taystee has to clean them up and that shit is nasty.
Again, what better way to give Taystee and Poussey screen time than to have them talking about nasty ass shit like this? I mean, I canโt think of anything else for them to say to each other. They do the best they can and still make it cute. So back to Pubetown.
Poussey is convinced that the new $1 an hour job is gonna be the worst and instead of discussing it further, she heads off to her happy hour in a bag, that good olโ prison hootch.
Taystee: Um, itโs 8 oclock in the morning. You drinking already?
Poussey: Itโs always 5 o clock in prison
Word.
Poussey heads out into the Secret Garden and digs up her super hidden aka not hidden at all, Ziploc bag of drink and itโs mostly empty. The hootch remnants look like vom, btw.
Taystee heads out into the courtyard of dreams to watch Poussey scramble around for her next bag of vom drink. But lo and behold, all her bags are empty. Taystee suggests that it could be the drunkard prison squirrel but Poussey says that heโs been sober for awhile now. Poussey thinks that the hootch thief is probably another inmate.
Flash to Sex Machine aka Seรฑor Beer Can Caputo making coffee. C.O. Ford approaches him about their health benefits. He canโt seem to figure them out. Also, the enrollment period for their healthcare plan is every fifth Wednesday but not after the 13th of each month because then itโs every fourth Friday before 11pm but not during the spring and C.O. Ford canโt seem to get it straight. And like any good boss, Caputo doesnโt know shit.
Wanda shuffled over to let them know that doors were put in somewhere and new beds were ordered and who the fuck is actually taking care of things in this prison? It must be a conspiracy, like when that one girl you hate is nice to you and then you turn around and sheโs fucking your girlfriend. Yeah, the new corporate prison people are that girl.
Wanda doesnโt trust that trick. Neither do we. Neither does C.O. Ford. Caputo is over it. Heโs over their need for stability and health care. They got a uniform right? And a walkie talkie?? Like what else could they possibly need? Jezzus, just shut up about everything else sayeth Caputo.
Gloria finds Daya in the industrial freezer which is the Litchfield equivalent of an open hydrant in the hood during the summer. Gloria tells her to stick an ice cube in her bra and keep it moving. Gloria is a fucking G, btw.
Gloria joins her kitchen crew and they all talk in Spanish with their delicious and perfect Dominicana accents. Ok, maybe itโs just Blanca speaking in Spanish and everyone else talks in English but whatever, the accents are so hot. And Iโm just in love with all of them, ok? Theyโre talking about the new job.
Blanca, whoโs like on the low one of my fave characters this season, posits that this new job could be one where they all wear sexy gender-neutral firefighter outfits and put out fires. Maritza wouldnโt mind handling a big hose which isnโt a euphemism. She really likes hoses, yโall. Daya thinks it could be a call center. Flaca wants to make all the commissions.
Gloria: Commissions? Right. You get ten percent of nothing on every nothing you nothing.
Real talk though, if any of her kitchen crew applies for the new job, Gloriaโs gonna whip off her prison chanclas and beat all their asses.
Gloria catches Norma not only being late for work but also putting out her own brand of white lady santeria. Gloriaโs not having that shit. She tells Norma to put that egg back w all the other eggs and get it together.
Maritza wonders if the new job is them picking up trash. Flaca is convinced that theyโre going to be required to code a new enterprise to Mars and utilize all their makeup skills to give astronauts the best eyebrows and since theyโll be the astronauts, theyโll already have the best eyebrows.
Maria calls them out and says no one wants them to be astronauts. Cuz they donโt have the skills for that shit. Homegirl is still mad that she canโt see her baby, rightfully so.
Flaca makes that same point and surprisingly, Maria doesnโt take it too well. โWhat you say about my baby, bitch?!” is the general feel and they get into a small scuffle. I kinda like it. Girl fights are my favorite. But before they get to pull off hairnets and scratch each otherโs eyes out, Gloria breaks it up. She makes Flaca scrub pans as punishment for having the best eyeliner.
Thus begins Flacaโs first real flashback. We get to see her teenage goth self looking so cute with purple tips and purple lipstick. Sheโs face-timing with her drug dealing yt boyfriend. Sheโs trying to sell drugs with him but he wants to be the one paying her telephone and automo bills.
Flacaโs mom shouts at her en Espanol where available to get her ass into the living room. Bye bye yt boyfriend.
Flacaโs got some sewing to do because Mrs. Ramirez needs her dress by this weekend. She wants the Emma Stone Golden Globes special and sheโs gonna get it. Flacaโs mom isnโt playing around with her in-house fashion shop. Of course while the women work, Flacaโs brother gets to sit on his ass in the living room and watch tv. Big shouts outs to one of my boy cousins whoโs over 21 and still watches cartoons in his underwear while my aunt makes him pancakes shaped like stars.
Back to everyoneโs favorite character to not give af about, Piper! This scene is brought to you by the letter S. S for scuttlebutt. I literally scream laughed when Red said โscuttlebutt” in her borscht accent. Even Red knows Piper ainโt shit. Piper wants to know what the new job is all about. Like she asks for the 411 cuz sheโs hip wit it. Piper wants a new job. Electrical sucks without Nicky and her wild mane of drug-hiding hair.
All Red really wants to know is if her looks makes her look like the Heat Miser. Yes, Red you look like the goddamn Heat Miser from The Year Without A Santa Claus. Own it, bb. Own that shit.
Piper attempts speaking in truths by telling Red that yes, she looks like the Heat Miser but itโs a beloved childrenโs Christmas cartoon and by default no one is afraid that Red is going to steal Santa Claus. Or kill Rudolph. Ok maybe Red might kill Rudolph but still, her look is hot fire and she should keep it. Maybe minus the severe old lady liberty spikes tho. Piper offers Red some candy cane lip gloss and a Charlie-in-the-box from the Island of Misfit Toys to make her feel better.
Cut to Corporate Jackoff Jr. peeing in the john and Caputo about to pee but thinking better of it. Ugh. Can we stop showing men peeing in the bathroom on tv and in films everywhere? Like weโve all been subjected to the men-talking-about-things-at-the-urinal scene so many times in our lives. Itโs over. Iโm over it. Jeezus. Canโt they talk somewhere else? Caputo and Jackoff Jr. on screen take away from any of the women having more screen time so obvs Iโm against this. Blah blah blah corporate takeover. Smarmy nervous Caputo wants a meeting blah blah Jackoff Jr. is like sure whatever. Go finish peeing, Caputo.
Big Boo shows up for a moment with flowers for Caputo but itโs not enough for me to feel better about so much time being devoted to Caputo & Jackoff Jr.
ATTN OITNB: NO ONE IS WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR THE BACKSTORY ABOUT OR DIALOGUE BETWEEN ANY OF THE MALE CHARACTERS. NO ONE.
Cut to Healey and Red. I love Red so much. Why are they doing her like this with all these scenes between her and Grandpa Douche Healey? POR QUEEE??? Red needs to be plotting her kitchen takeover or figuring out a way to smuggle in more chickens, not half-flirting with the old grey nightmare. She is cute with her new looqs tho. Sheโs Heat Miser lite and Healey notices. Sometimes all a person wants is someone to notice the little things, right? Sigh. Fine.
Berdie, the new C.O. or something, the breath of fresh air their department needed, breezes on through and asks for help. She needs a hard femme to help hang her Autostaddle calendar. Red suggests she ask Laura W. or Mary T. Berdie thanks her, sticks her tongue out at Mealey Healey, and continues on her merry fucking way.
Healey doesnโt like Berdie because sheโs perfect and better at her job than he is and so his white male superiority complex is acting up. His belly swells with unnecessary pride so often that it pops a button on his work shirt. Red fixes it for him in a tender-icky moment between them. Literally, in any other context Iโm down for older people falling in love but I canโt w Healey yโall. I just cannot, will not, wonโt stop.
However, Redโs flirting ends with a discussion of irritable bowels so Iโd say sheโs winning at wooing Healey since his whole everything gives me IBS.
We zoom over to Norma, La Santera Blanca, as Gloria is about to let loose some chancla ass whoopings. No one steals Gloriaโs eggs for spirit work. Let this be a lesson on cultural appropriation for generations to come. Donโt fuck with shit that ainโt your shit.
Norma snatched Gloriaโs candle, beads, honey and her magic eggs.
Gloria: This ainโt your history. It ainโt your culture. It stops now.
Gloria takes pity on Norma and gives her the honey. For eating only tho! No Spellllsss!
Over in the Spanish Harlem section of Litchfield, Maritza and Flaca talk about this magical job and how Flaca is gonna kill it during the interview portion. Like this is some kind of Miss Prison Pageant or something. Insert unnecessary slur for dark-skinned folks en espaรฑol and continue conversation โ the casual racism everyone spews on this show is a bit much. Flaca is aiming for the stars in prison.
This job could get her out of the kitchen and closer to fulfilling her destiny. Flaca is destined for greatness, yโall. I mean look at the wings she made with her eyeliner. Martiza is pissed cuz like the kitchen staff is family and family units work when each person does what theyโre supposed to do. Canโt have a functioning kitchen when one person is daydreaming about being better. This is literally the entire premise of the movie ANTZ yโall.
Flashback to Flaca standing in the halls of The High School for Latina Goths, withย her friend who looks like Spinelli from Recess. They’re fly af. ย My god if I had been in hs with them, I would have written creepy journal entries about how bad I wanted to be their friend and also Elicia-esque poetry about wanting to snuggle their faces.
In her own DIY segment, Flaca demonstrates how to make and sell fake ass acid to buy flatform shoes, the only acceptable school shoes in the HS for Latina Goths. She made her cherry bomb tabs and sold them at the US Lesbian Soccer World Cup and made that cash.
Cue awkward wanna be cool teenage boys looking to score some acid cuz all the lesbians at the soccer game chased them away from the field. Flaca takes pity on them and offers to sell them some more. Cuz the HS for Latina Goths teaches its student body to take pity on lesser mortals at all times.
Flaca: Acid is not for escaping reality, itโs for embracing it.
She sells them the acid at school like mad suspect like sheโs never seen a movie before or seen other people not sell drugs in high school oh my god you donโt do it at your lockers. You do it down the block or like between stalls in the girls bathroom or LIKE NOT AT ALL CUZ YOU WILL GET FUCKED SO HARD FOR SELLING DRUGS WITHIN A SCHOOL ZONE JEEZUS CHRIST KIDS DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME OR AT YOUR HS FOR LATINA GOTHS.
Spinelli thinks Flaca is gonna get busted for selling fake shit. Flaca goes on a Neil DeGrasse Tyson style monologue about the wonders of the universe and assures Spinelli that itโs all good, baby baby.
Cue Cesar and Daya in the hotel lobby of Litchfield just kicking it and talking about Bennettโs extreme white flight. โThat fucker hobbled away into the sunset” And in true Cesar form, he uses asinine logic steeped in misogyny to explain why itโs not Dayaโs fault that Bennet ran away cuz real men stick with their crazy pregnant bitches no matter what especially when theyโre in prison cuz thatโs what real gโs do while they move in silence like lasagna. Cesar OUT.
Daya is sad and that makes me sad.
We zoom happily over into the Great Hall of Litchfield. Thereโs a buzz in the air as the sorting hat finds its way into the kitchen or the test for the new job whatever. Everyone is huddled over their personality quiz with their appropriate race/ethnic group and praying for the best.
Flaca and Blanca are obvs at the same test taking table. Flaca freaks out cuz she sucks at taking tests. Yo girl, I feel you. And Blanca, the secret queen of this entire season, tells her that her insecurity over taking a test is just an excuse for her stupidity.
Over at Black Cindyโs Table of Excellence, Black Cindy is convinced that because theyโre taking a reading test for this new job, the new job must be building warheads or spaceships or something involving white folks colonization of mars. Or private military contractors like Halliburton are going to use their labor for profit and to weaponize smallpox. Black Cindy knows what the fuck is up. Obvs whatever it is, the inmates are going to suffer from disastrous side effects like turning into the Simpsonโs three-eyed fish or possibly syncing up with periods so strong they cause a flood that frees everyone at Litchfield.
Suzanne jumps in and teaches us about how mutations actually work. Our babies will be born with the gills and weโll just all die of cancer.
TURN YOUR PAPERS OVER AND BEGIN TEST-TAKING PANIC ATTACK
At the post-racial, white american table, Big Boo and Alex talk smack about the creepy E-Harmony meets Divergent style questions on the test. Uppity ass Piper thinks theyโre going to get in trouble, so she leaves the table and no one misses her. Alex and Big Boo take shots and get cozy cuz fuck Piper. JK I KID but that would be super hot anywayyyy.
And for some reason a hot ass woman of color sits next to Alex and more chills went through my body then when Piper was munching on Alexโs bits two or three episodes ago. WHO IS THIS SCORCHING INMATE??
Leanne and Ang make a pact and do their secret handshake thatโs also code for not understanding why theyโre so deeply attracted to one another.
This scene pings back and forth from table to table. Every cast member gets a second to showcase their feelings on this test. Itโs fun. Also, Flaca is slowly melting down and shooting into deep test panic mode which totally reminds me of every time I took a math test ever. Also, Morello gets in some good worry-based screen time. Too bad we wonโt get to see her having orgasms with Nichols anymore.
Flaca melts down completely and C.O. Maxwell sends her on her way. Bye Flacita.
Weโre back at the High School for Latina Goths and Flacaโs sharing her vision for an all emo wardrobe, draped heavily with goth fabrics and multiple shades of black. Hark! Whoโs at the top of Mount High School? Some idiot that dropped Flacaโs fake tabs and is about to jump off the building, thatโs who. I would be so pissed if I was Flaca like damn way to call attention to my whole shit with your dumbass. And then he jumps and Flacaโs eyeliners bleeds through the streets.
In Ye Olde Prison Chicken Yard, Red and Jones discuss what types of vegetableย they should plant. Theyโre doing just fine until Litchfieldโs Rush Limbaugh joins them. He just stands there as all the carbon monoxide pours out of his mouth and into the air. Red applauds his hot air and Jones watches them both like โwhat is even happening right now.” Jones is over Healybaugh and doesnโt even want to be in this scene.
Man tells story. Women pretend to be interested. Time for the rest of us to fold some laundry or go for a run before Healyโs carbon monoxide kills.
Over in more interesting pastures, Black Cindy and Watson are getting some exercise running. I would have rather watched them run in silence for the entire time it took Healy to tell his wak ass story, btw.
Piperโs running behind them. Alex tosses her a gatorade and they cop a squat by the prison yard gates. Piper daydreams out loud about the life they could live outside of prison.
Piper could do electrical work and Alex could run a landscaping business and they could be dykes for real! According to Puta Madre Piper, that includes not shaving, driving pickup trucks, camping and going to golf tournaments. Alex, not at all amused by Piperโs lesbian stereotypes, wonders who that fine ass human is running around the track. Piper says more stupid stuff and Alex shuts her down. Alex is hella good at wrecking any and all jokes Piper makes. But then Alex says something about the inmate’s Disney princess being Jasmine and I feel like this is some racist bullshit that white girls would only say to each other, so once again Iโm good on Alex and Piper and their whole thing.
Alex is scared sheโs gonna die in prison. Piper thinks itโs funny to burst holes in all of Alexโs โIโm gonna die” conspiracy theories. I canโt tell whoโs more annoying at this point: Alex, the paranoid racist, or the oblivious box of uncooked spaghetti that is Piper.
Soso comes to Norma for guidance and love. Soso tells some convoluted story about a hugging saint and I almost fell asleep but then she asked the worldโs most important question: Why donโt I have any friends that care about me? Norma holds her hand. Soso knows there are connections to be made but how? Where? With whom? What is life, yโall? The Care Bear Norma Stare works again and Soso is soothed.
Back in the Secret Garden, Poussey works on her gourmet alcoholic milkshakes while Leanne and Ang bring her their tithing envelopes.
Leanne is convinced that a squaccoon is stealing Pousseyโs hootch. Poussey stops what sheโs doing and gives Leanne a basic lesson in animal sex times that includes the true fact that raccoons and squirrels canโt procreate. Leanneโs like whatever this is America and anything is possible in the Land of the Free. According to Leanne, pee and cayenne pepper will keep the drunk squirrels and horny raccoons and deadbeat skunks at bay. She is a fucking genius.
Pornstacheโs mom and Daya are back at the UN Negotiation Baby Peace Treatises. Dayaโs like just take my baby, white lady. Pornstacheโs mom is upset that Daya wonโt let her deliver the white savior speech she had Patricia Arquette write for her. Sheโs been practicing all morning and like why is Daya being such an agreeable bitch? Still she tries to deliver the speech and Dayaโs eyes just roll all over this scene and just take the damn baby, ok?
The new work assignment sheet is up and the inmates are lined up as if they were waiting to find out if they made Glee Club. Everyone makes Glee Club, yโall. Black Cindy and Watkins make the cut. So does Piper. Suzanne doesnโt and she almost tailspins into a slapping fit but Taystee reminds her sheโs too magnificent for this job and that test.
Watkins and Black Cindy engage each other in the magical way Taystee and Poussey used to and it makes me miss their chemistry. Black Cindy’sย gonna get a new hair piece and I hope itโs glorious.
Morello didnโt make the cut but itโs probably because she wrote a non-fiction essay entitled โHow My Totally Real Husband Named Christopher Stole Christmas” instead of answering any of the questions on the test.
FLACA GOT THE JOB CUZ HER SMARTS KICKED IN LIKE WHAT.
Piper thinks itโs hella funny to make jokes about her girlfriendโs very real fear of getting murdered in prison. Itโs like when you find that person that knows how to make light of your trauma even when you ask them to stop, thatโs the person with which you maintain a romantic relationship, thatโs the keeper bae. Hahahaha someoneโs gonna kill you and it could be me. Ahahah. Aww cโmon, itโs just a JOKE.
Poussey pees around her hootch. This is def the scene thatโll get Samira Wiley that Netflix Emmy. Def the scene.
All the C.O.s get their hours cut. UNION UNION UNION.
Black Cindy walks up in the bathroom just swinging her new hair. Sheโs important and gorgeous and my queen. If she wants to be. Anyway, she tells Taystee to go get Poussey before Poussey digs up the whole Secret Garden trying to find the hootch thief. Taystee is the one who took the stuff. She hated seeing Poussey drink so much. Ride or die friendships. But Suzanne thinks Poussey should have something to focus on even if it is the imaginary prison juice thief. I canโt get over their maxi-pad mask Taysteeโs wearing, like cannot get over it.
Red and Healy are snuggled up on his office couch. Redโs talking about the yearning passion in her loins and Healy thinks this means he’s gonna get a two-minute hand job for sure but it turns out that Redโs talking about her love of the kitchen. THE KITCHEN. Sheโs not trying to give him an HJ. She totally led him on with her Russian accent and less severe hairstyle.
We enter the 24 hour Meth-O-Mat where Leanne, Ang, and Soso fold all of the laundry. Soso is really attempting to make friends here and itโs just not happening. In a last ditch effort to connect with them, Soso just says Wal-Mart and itโs literally her best line ever. Cuz Wal-Mart.
Gloriaโs kitchen is a buzz with hotdog buns. Flaca makes her grand announcement about quitting kitchen duty and working at that new job. Gloriaโs unimpressed and asks Flaca if she thinks sheโs better than everyone else. And this whole circumstance is like a metaphor for what happens when you get your higher education on and some of your friends and family from the neighborhood judge you and treat you differently but itโs weird cuz usually there are folks that are proud of you too but this is prison and who gives a fuck about Flaca getting this new prison job besides Flaca? No one.
Except for Marizta. And homegirl is so heartbroken that she canโt say a word and their friendship is everything and I bet her heart is crushed beyond repair. Like those friend heartaches are worse than the romantic ones and I just want to give her a hug.
Weโre back to high-school-Flaca getting arrested in her house for selling the fake drugs that some idiot took before he jumped off the roof. She spills her guts to the cops which is like always the wrong thing to do if there isnโt a lawyer for your ass present and of course, they donโt care. They cuff her and take her away.
Caputo and Corporate Dweeb Jr. talk about things. Blah blah blah something something new job. No one cares, Caputo. Just cash your checks and trim your stache.
All the new hires gather together and find out that their new jobs is:
PANTY SEAMSTRESS
Cue Flacaโs face.
End scene.
“Oblivious box of uncooked spaghetti” is the description of Piper I’ve been looking for. THANK YOU.
you’re forever welcome
Between Piper, the box of uncooked spaghetti, and Larry, the jar of mayonnaise, we’re starting to amass a whole pantry-full of uninspiring food items.
Healey, the half-empty box of coffee filters?
No, it has to be a white food item. Healey, the stale old piece of wonderbread
a white food item
lolol
Coffee filters are generally white, aren’t they? But yeah, stale wonderbread is prob a better fit for Healey.
I See Healey as a bowl of mashed potatoes. Not good mashed potatoes. Bland ones, with no cheese or garlic.
healy is the years-expired box of instant potatoes you found hiding in the back of your pantry and no one knows who bought it or how long it’s been there. and like, it probably has a dead roach in it.
healy is the small bowl of leftover mashed potatoes you thought you might use for something but has been there for days and gone watery and grey
I can’t even pick a favorite quote from this recap. It’s so good. IT’S SO GOOD. I laughed so hard and did many praise hands.
This is the kind of quality content I come to Autostraddle for. No other recap on the internet can make me laugh this much AND provide commentary on casual racism AND crush on Flaca with me. I loved Gloria in this episode! And I won’t post any spoilers, but this episode marks the point where I can identify a growing distaste for Norma and what she wants/is trying to do, which grows stronger throughout the season… Maybe this is a thought to be continued on future recaps.
thank you suzy. and i love Gloria so much. I can’t decide if i want to have wild milf-y love times with her or just have her on my squad forever. maybe both? probably both.
the answer is both!
Soso is the most annoying, useless character ever. And on a show that seems desperate to make us believe that Useless Piper is the star of the show, that’s saying something.
(I also have never understood all the “But she’s so hot!” stuff that always seems to come up in discussions about this character.)
I sort of low key feel the same way about Ruby Rose to be honest. S
This recap is golden from the very start, with the mental image that is Poussey and Taystee in Disneyland, aka the scene I never knew I was desperate to see until now.
Also, emo Flaca is everything and I just want to scoop her up and love her.
yo that wasn’t even the image i meant to evoke so THANK U for bringing it to us!
I was a goth in preparatoria -or maybe I tried too hard, I don’t know. I loved this episode and my favorite scene was Flaca freaking out on the exam.
Love your perfect recaps!
thank you! ay but poor flaca tho. how many of us have been in that same situation??
Can I just say that I love the work Mary Steenburgen is doing with the Pornstache Mom character? Thx.
yo i love her too! she’s fucking perfect in the role of pornstache’s mom!
The story lines this season are so weird and why do they want to give us more gross relationships like I DONT CARE ABOUT MEN or Healy and can piper and Alex please stop.
do we think poussey made the peeing apparatus specifically for the purpose of thwarting the hooch thief, or that she had it all along?
I was wondering that myself! Her GoGirl is probably waiting with the rest of her items for when she gets released.
I think Poussey was **peeing on the hooch**.
THAT’S the “secret ingredient” she was talking about! Some peoples in northeast Siberia made an alcoholic drink with fermented urine. Russian Communists were horrified.
It’s from season 2, it led to Sophia’s anatomy lesson to the rest of Lichfield.
OMG YESSS thank you for this. i have a terrible memory and now i feel even better about poussey in general.
Such a good recap!
I loved getting to see Flaca’s backstory. I think she is my favorite character.
That bestfriend heartache though.
Oh and Yoga Jones in the Red/Healy scene was magnificent, my face was matching her face with her disbelief.
“Pornstacheโs mom is upset that Daya wonโt let her deliver the white savior speech she had Patricia Arquette write for her.”
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
Argh. I had a feeling I was going to do that wrong.
This caption: Wait, that girl we went to high school with used the rainbow filter on her FB profile pic but her cover photo is of the Confederate flag? Smh.
Flaca reminds me of myself when I take math tests. She really came into her own this season and even though her backstory wasn’t exactly what I expected it to be none the less I really enjoyed it. I liked that for her it was about ambition. I also found it interesting that the lifestyle that she had tried to escape from before she went to jail,she indirectly ended up being back in it while thinking that it’ll be better than the job she currently had. Also every time Maritza cries an angel loses it’s wings. Seriously I just wanted to give her a huge hug.
Okay but when you take away the Spinelli costume she actually looks a scary lot like Sameen Shaw/Sarah Shahi for those of you weirdos who saw The L Word before Person of Interest.
And if that doesn’t work then:
http://m.imdb.com/name/nm4782126/mediaindex?rmconst=rm4116902144&ref_=m_nmmi_mi_nm_pbl_13
Also am I the only one thinking that the cooperate storyline is dragging on way too long. I mean I felt like the writers sort of ran out of ideas and decided to drag it out. I thought it would’ve been sort of cool if the corporate people were making drastic changes to the prison and making it harder for the inmates to survive which would cause a riot or something. One critique I have about this season is that I feel like it sort of snapped back into being this lighthearted dramedy in contrast to how dark season 2 was and there were major serious moments that were interesting but I thought that the show was going to get a lot darker. I mean with Vee and Rosa’s escape and the riot gear, I was under the impression that the guards were going to get a lot tougher and that a riot would happen.
I think the corporate thing is going on for the correct amount of time. It’s a serious issue and I think there is a lot they can explore with that.
I guess but it’s really boring imo. I would’ve like it a lot better if the changes that the cooperation were making were directly affecting the prisoners rather than just have Caputo and that one guy going back and forth
Some of the things do end up directly affecting the incarcerated folk, I thought anyway.
exactly like 1000xs over
“Ok, fine, they both look kinda good in this screenshot. Iโm gonna stop hating for like five seconds and let yaโll ship them for as along as you want.” Much appreciated! Can’t help but love pasta even oblivious and uncooked one :D
I like this show but I just found out it is directed by dudes. I am bummed out by this. I thought it was written and directed and starred in by women which is the only reason I watched it. I feel scammed. Why is this show about women, written by women and supposed to be told from a woman’s view point directed by men????
I think this should be addressed in a different article and I still like the show but wanted to spread the word. About 80% of the episodes are directed by dudes. I feel cheated, bamboozled, and worst of all I feel that women can’t just have one thing that is theirs.
That might just be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. A dick or lack thereof doesn’t affect your ability to direct a TV show.
LMAO
EL PODER DE LA CHANCLETA.
Also, I’m so glad “Elicia-esque poetry” is a descriptor and I know exactly what you mean.
“My whiteness ensures your imminent incarceration. Just fyi.” = AHHH TOO REAL.
unpopular opinion: poussey is kind of annoying
am i utterly alone in this? not annoying enough to flip out over but don’t get why everyone loves her so much
I love reading the OITNB recaps every week, It makes the season lasts a lot longer than the few days it takes to binge watch it!
I concur! It makes it so much better to share in the ideas and feelings it creates too.