New Gay Agenda [Super Secret, Do Not Leak]

After a few years of remarkable progress for LGBT rights, the United States has elected an apprentice fascist and a national legislature with the most hostile anti-LGBTQ agenda in recent history. Now it’s clear that the Trump team is hell-bent on elevating actual white supremacists to the highest levels of power and a big chunk of the GOP legislature has been sharpening knives for our freedoms for a while. They have the chance to run the table, so we need to move and move fast. This is the updated Gay Agenda.1 Please destroy all previous versions and keep this one under lock and key. They would be so mad if they knew.

Process Your Grief

This one was a punch to the solar plexus, no question. Like worse than when you started paying attention to the dialogue on certain episodes of The L Word. So we’re all taking at least one full month to grieve. Do so however you need to, and ignore anyone who tells you that you should be feeling or responding any differently. If you need to throw a toaster oven at the wall, throw a toaster oven at the wall. That is your process. Hit a resale shop and pick up all the small appliances for destruction if you feel like it. They recycle just the same when they’re in pieces. Plus, the smashing noises will give those neighbors who always side-eye your Pride gear something to think about. You’re also allowed to have great, heaving crying jags over seeing your pantsuit rainbow t-shirt, eat enough carbs to stagger a war horse, nap, stay up watching Wentworth, rend your garments, whatever you need. You are grieving. And if that means listening to the workout mix of “Hands to Myself” on repeat while power-keening and re-collaging every last one of your vision boards to include images of yourself as an avenging Fury with a belt of human skulls, so be it.

Harness the Power Of Your Anger

When you’re ready, hang a toaster oven knob from your belt, go back to work, and tell goddamned Tucker with the “jokes” that he is exactly six more words from you hitting your limit. Then stare into his eyes while baring all the rage in your soul until he silently backs away. Odds are Tucker will bring by a hot beverage in about an hour in an attempt to make peace. Snatch it out of his hands and hiss at him. Do you feel that power? Use it. Anger does not have to lead to hatred; properly channeled, it can make you productive beyond your wildest dreams. Let your ferocious soul fire your forward motion and your rage fuel your industry.

Get Extra Sexy

You’re a revolutionary firebrand now, which means you’re automatically at least 30 points sexier. The combination of passion, direction, and purpose is so irresistible that it’s practically weaponized. But don’t rest on your laurels!2 We need you to be achingly, devastatingly, pants-meltingly sexy. Do whatever you can to enhance your unique personal appeal, whether that’s emphasizing your voluptuous curves or doing squats while straight-arming cement-filled paint cans. Anoint yourself with scented oils. Make use of the LGBT Free Amazing Haircut Service.3 Be sure to take the collagen supplements in your monthly packet so that your hair, skin, and nails are supple and/or glossy. If random strangers on the street are gibbering and begging for your phone number, you’re halfway there. Develop your talents and feel your swagger. Show no mercy. Because it’s time for your next agenda item:

Turn Everyone Gay

It’s no-holds-barred on turning people queer for at least the next four years. Yes, we’ve been gradually turning people L, G, B, and T for years via our music, our living our lives happily in the open, and our delicious scalloped potatoes. But now The Escalation has officially begun. No longer are we turning only the most witty, intelligent, and sexy people queer. It’s anyone who needs a good dose of reality, and damn the consequences. For those of you who need a refresher, the proper form to turn someone gay is to make deep eye contact, raise your dominant hand so that it’s level with your temple, and snap. Snap once to turn someone bi, twice to turn them gay, and thrice for grinding in a thong on the Altoids float. To turn someone trans, wiggle your nose like Samantha on Bewitched. (Our secret that trans women make the most powerful witches was always going to have to come out eventually.)

Elevate Your Queerness

More good news: Next year’s Pride Parades are going to be Off. The. Chain. It’s time to make the firm point that we will not be bullied out of sight and trying to keep us down only makes us more fabulous. If you’re not financially dependent on a bigot and in a safe place to do so, rip that closet door off its hinges. Post glitter rainbows in your office cube. Get everyone at the feed store clear on subtext.

Prepare for Domination

It’s true that when a diverse coalition of lesbian, bi, trans, and queer women have control of the presidency and both houses of Congress, straight white cis men might get a little nervous. JOIN THE CLUB, FELLAS. We were patient and played nice for a long time, but now they’re trying to roll back some very basic civil rights, so we’re going to have to take the joint over. Mandatory Supergirl viewing parties in all the sports bars! Pagan Reading Group Thursdays at the Library of Congress! Tegan and Sara playing the inauguration! Of President Laverne Cox!

Extreme? Perhaps. But the minute half the country sat out the election and another quarter knowingly voted in a viciously anti-LGBT Congress and a spray-tanned cupbearer of the KKK so pathetically desperate for approval that he became Salacious B. Crumb to Putin’s Jabba the Hutt, they asked for it.

You have your super-secret marching orders. Definitely do not share this on social media; we want it to be a surprise. You know how much we love a good entrance. Go get ‘em.

1 Read: LGBTQ Agenda. But we call it the Gay Agenda because that’s what scares them.

2 Unless you are resting on a bed strewn with laurels and are beckoning someone in a sultry manner.

3 As always, if you tell straight people the truth about your stunning ‘do, severe penalties will apply. If they’re nice, tell them your stylist isn’t taking on other clients. If they’re not, send them to the worst-rated Supercuts you can find on Yelp. (No, at present we do not know of any way to give either Trump or Pence a worse haircut. Our scientists are working on it.)

Before you go! 99.9% of our readers don't support Autostraddle. Still, it takes funding to keep this indie queer publication running every day. And the majority of our funding comes from readers like you. That's less than 1% of our readers who keep Autostraddle around for EVERYBODY. Will you join them?

Ali Davis is a writer and performer in Los Angeles. She likes girls and gibbons, but not in the same way.

Ali has written 2 articles for us.

37 Comments

  1. Thank you for providing me with direction in regards to my comeback to social media and society in general. I’ve decided to revive my sexually charged, avant garde, and highly experimental performance art. Unapologetically queer–coming early 2016.

  2. Quick question- suppose I want to convert a straight cis male to a trans lesbian. Should I wiggle my nose and then snap twice, or just wiggle my nose and their gynephilic orientation will carry through their conversion?

  3. This is one of the most incredible things I’ve ever read. As a side note – who has a great scalloped potato recipe? I have to put my best foot forward in turning the straight and cis people around me queer (and also bc….scalloped potatoes sound so damn good right now)

Contribute to the conversation...

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!