My Christmas Ornaments, Ranked by Lesbianism

It was recently brought to my attention that our Christmas tree is “very gay” and apparently not JUST because of the DIY Cate Blanchett ornament on it. One of my favorite things about starting to do Christmas with my now-wife was merging our ornament collections — a strange mix of childhood trinkets, inherited retro family pieces including some crafted by my mother, and gifts we’ve received through the years. Now, we’ve started collecting some together, too.

That’s me!!!!!!!!!

That would be one of my mother’s various Christmas craft projects through the years.

I mean, look at her! She’s gorgeous!

I am a Tennis Lesbian, so this tennis ornament is also gay.

My wife got her first passport of her life around Christmastime last year, so I snuck out of the house under the pretense of running an errand in order to go buy her this ornament to celebrate.

That’s a queer elder.

The Santa on top of our tree is a distinguished butch top.

The most important ingredient in my lesbian kitchen.

I suppose without context this is one of our stranger ornaments. But my wife wrote a very good lesbian novel called With Teeth!

I made this for my ex after we saw Carol but then reclaimed it in the breakup as my own. GAY

This is a dyke who lives in the Midwest. She knows how to split wood and play cribbage.

This belongs to the glitter-loving butch you know who loves to help out their friends in style. They also have a custom neon-colored tool box.

Like any good gay, I used the holiday season to pick up a new hobby: punch needling! Here are my first two ornaments from the endeavor, including another butch truck.

My wife and I used to send each other cute duck videos in the early days of our relationship, so this was a nod to that!

In this house, we support public libraries, even in cities we do not live in.

The gayest part of this ornament is that I bought it for myself when I was a teen and was obsessed with it, displaying it year-round in my room. In many ways, closeted me was the gayest version of me.

This year, Christmas comes with a little grief as it will be our first holiday together without our beloved Lola, best dog in the world. It makes me even happier that I have these ornaments with her little face on them.

I do think these MOM TO BE and DAD TO BE kangaroos were intended to be hetero, but they both appear…to have pouches? So I think this might actually be a butch/femme couple carrying each other’s eggs OR two gender-nonconforming parents to be who are wearing the shirts ironically.

I do sometimes call Kristen my husband so it works.

I strongly identify as a Tinned Fish Lesbian, and my best friend Becca has been gifting me seafood ornaments lately because she thinks I should have a seafood-themed tree one year. For additional context, my mother is the queen of a specific-themed Christmas tree. One year, she did a “technology tree,” which was decorated with old chargers and other technology devices. I come from a legacy of themed trees.

She’s homoerotic; she’s an aphrodisiac; she’s stunning. Also if you couldn’t tell by now, our tree is COVERED in tinsel.

I made the martini olive, deviled egg, and tomato (in honor of our cat, Timmy Tomato), and my wife made the gorgeous homage to our dear late dog Lola <3

Yes, this is an ornament featuring the first DMs my wife and I sent each other. My Aunt Anne made it has a gift for us last year, and I love it, especially now that DMs from Twitter are gone forever!

Yes, our first “date” was in the Manhattan Ace Hotel. It was also our first time meeting in person. I kept the room key because I had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last time we saw her, and I was already sensing a deeper connection. I’m glad I had the instinct to do so, because now I get to have an ornament to permanently celebrate our steamy first weekend together. It’s my favorite ornament.