March Madness!! Basketball! Sports! And You Thought We Didn’t Care

March Madness is officially upon us! If you think March Madness is a sickness spread via the woodwind section of high school marching bands, you have some catching up to do. Beginning March 19th, the top 64 women’s basketball teams in the country will compete in a single-elimination tournament to determine the NCAA Division I National Champions.

The popularity of the women’s game continues to grow, despite the NCAA’s lack of pandering to lesbians. Even if you don’t bleed blue/red/some other color that signifies the team you cheer for, you cry rainbow tears and that might be good enough. Because during a game, there is a lot to look out for.

There are women, LOTS OF WOMEN, running, smiling, laughing, hugging, releasing primal energy, and any myriad of totally innocent but unequivocally homoerotic practices that are mysteriously intertwined with competitive sports.

Things to enjoy include accidental boob grabs, lezzie haircuts, questionable fashion taste, female color commentators, female color commentators with accents, cheerleaders that you can pretend are Brittany and Santana, and MORE.

I know 32 games is a lot to handle at once so I’ll narrow it down by pointing out some of the best players to watch. Here’s the entire schedule and also a handy bracket so you can pick your favorites and watch their games. Pick your favorites however you want. I don’t judge.

Courtney Vandersloot, Gonzaga
5’8 – Sr. – Guard

Jeanette Pohlen Stanford
6’0 – Sr. – Guard

Maya Moore UConn
6’0 – Sr. – Forward

Devereaux Peters Notre Dame
6’2 – Sr. – Forward

Brittney Griner Baylor
6’8 – So. – Center

The women’s tournament isn’t known for its upsets, except for that one time. Regardless, it’s fun to pick a few. Most of the time it makes you look like a tool, but every now and then you get lucky and look like a genius. Kinda like when your friends think a girl is incredibly straight, but you call it and they’re unsure and then you take her home and you get lucky in a totally different but tad more awesome way.

Predicted first round upsets:

#10 Marist over #7 Iowa

#11 Gonzaga over #6 Iowa St

#12 Fresno St over #5 North Carolina

If you have problems being at predetermined places doing predetermined things at predetermined times, you can flip to ESPN2 whenevs ya want this weekend and there’s a pretty good chance there will be some Exploratory majors on your TV screen playing basketball. Plus, EPSN3.com is showing the games for those of you lacking a television or cable or both.

**Please respect players’ privacy by NOT outing them on Autostraddle (or anywhere, really)!**


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Brittani

Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person and creator of "Words With Girls." She is currently on a 'turn on your read receipts' crusade. Follow her on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat @bishilarious.

Brittani has written 1 article for us.

23 Comments

  1. STANFORD !!!!!!!!

    First Round Ridiculosity : Stanford v UC Davis , holy shmoley that’s gonna be a shellacking—poor Davis.

    Would LOVE to see Fresno Bulldogs rock that—they so deserve it !

    I think Gonzaga Is gonna be a surprise–should be interesting…..

  2. I’m excited for the Zags, the women had a strong showing last year. I just hope and pray the announcers actually know how to say Gonzaga, it’s not gon-ZOG-a, it’s gon-ZAG-a (hence being called the Zags, not the zogs – yes, it’s a pet peeve I get irrationally annoyed by, but I spent several years there hearing it get mispronounced on tv).

    Also, go Stanford! I’ve loved their women’s team since I was like 14.

  3. GO LADY VOLS! WOOO!
    Two of our players are together [REDACTED] albeit not out, and I have strong suspicions about [REDACTED], who is a freshman who has great promise.
    Kind of hoping for a UCONN/Lady Vol game. Not sure if my heart will hold up, but it’d be cool, especially if we BEAT UCONN, gawd.
    Also, GOING IN A SEC CHAMPIONS WOOOO!

    Edited to respect player’s identities. Please never ever out someone – anyone! – on Autostraddle!
    -Laneia

    • Whoops I’m sorry :( I got excited about my lady vols. I would like to point out that they are NOT confirmed… It’s me being very very hopeful with little evidence. For all I know, they could be straight. I mean I hope they’re gay, but hey.

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