1. Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer. Beer; beer, beer.
3. Everything is so cheap that you will compulsively overtip. (You’re doing it wrong).
4. Never look a kombucha mother in the eye. This is so serious.
5. There’s actually a skyline, sort of! It’s pretty!
6. Why does anyone not live here?
7. Oh yeah, rain.
8. Sometimes at a 4-way stop everyone just sits there politely and looks at each other.
9. People keep saying ominous, cryptic things about the rain.WINTER IS COMING.
10. How many people meant to move to Seattle and just didn’t quite make it?
11. Go by train, y’all.
12. Every day is Portlandia brought to life, but don’t say that because it’s probably not cool.
13. No one over 40 lives here…which translates into a terrible cougar deficit.
14. If you see Carrie Brownstein at a coffee shop around the corner, you’ll really wish you’d sprung for a bike with cooler handlebars. Then you will hyperventilate for 30 seconds and need your inhaler.
15. There are more coffee shops than human people to occupy them.
16. This exists.
17. Kinds of guilt you will accumulate: Guilt of leeching off of the local economy while making an out-of-state salary, Lack of cultural diversity guilt, Guilt of incorrectly composting, Guilt of wanting an automatic drip coffee maker, Paper towel guilt, Symmetrical haircut guilt.
18. Why is there no one living in these basements?
19. When someone offers to “take you to the river,” say yes; never ask which river.
20. Maybe there are no gay bars because every structure with humans inside of it is a theoretical gay bar.
21. There is no sales tax. REPEAT: THERE IS NO SALES TAX.
22. Never let anyone see you use your inhaler, esp. while biking. See: #14.
23. Sometimes a guy at the bar next to you just went to sleep sitting up, and the bartender nudges him awake gently and suggests he close out instead of tipping him out of his chair like in most cities.
24. Holistic everything.
25. Post-PoMo, Post-Irony, Post-Everything except brunch. Brunch is fucking serious, so stay in the moment, okay?
26. No one ever tries to steal your bike, which is sort of boring.
27. You can eat biscuits and veg. gravy every single day, which is to say that you will never leave.
28. This: “One of Portlandia’s catchphrases is that Portland is “where young people go to retire,” but that doesn’t fully capture it. Rather, think back to the moment when you realized you were grown up enough to buy candy whenever you wanted. Then imagine extending that phase indefinitely, for years.”