The first time you watched Thelma and Louise, you probably thought to yourself, “Wow, that sure was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen; too bad the actresses are straight.” Well, like the irrefutability of American democracy, this may just be one more thing you were wrong about. Susan Sarandon — most recently notable for her (groan) Anything’s Better Than Hillary campaign — told PrideSource that, much like pussies in Trump’s America, her sexual orientation is now “up for grabs.”
Is your sexuality more or less rigid these days? Basically, should we be welcoming you to the family?
(Laughs) Well, I’m a serial monogamist, so I haven’t really had a large dating career. I married Chris Sarandon when I was 20, and that went on for quite a while – each of my relationships have. I haven’t exactly been in the midst of a lot of offers of any kind. I’m still not! I don’t know what’s going on! (Laughs) But I think back in the ’60s it just was much more open.
Are you open regarding your sexuality?
Yeah, I’m open. My sexual orientation is up for grabs, I guess you could say. (Laughs)
There are, of course, many ways to turn a person gay. You could make them to scroll through Samira Wiley’s Instagram, for example. You could make them watch one of those shows that recruits kids into the homosexual lifestyle. Steven Universe, Adventure Time, something like that. You could take them to see a live taping of Ellen or gift them a biography about Eleanor Roosevelt or read any comics written by Kate Leth. You could watch the Troubletones perform Rumor Has It/Someone Like You on YouTube a couple of times in a row. Obviously love potions yield dubious results, but there are plenty of simple spells a modern witch could do to effectively grab someone’s sexual orientation. Perhaps you could employ some of those techniques on Susan Sarandon.
You might be wondering why, at this moment in time, you should focus your conversion energies on someone who danced from Bernie to Jill Stein to the idea that “Hey, maybe at least Trump will bring the Revolution” during the 2016 presidential election, an ethical trajectory that seems to indicate she didn’t quite grasp the horrors that would inevitably await everyone who’s not a rich white person living in southern California if Donald Trump actually got elected. And then there’s the thing where she went on Chris Hayes last night and continued to refuse to say she thought a Hillary presidency would be better than a Trump presidency, meaning she probably still doesn’t get it? And the part in the PrideSource interview where she says “to be depressed or to blame me [for Trump’s electoral college win] is not productive,” which, you know, maybe the person shrugging off a Trump revolution shouldn’t also be the person lecturing you about what’s productive.
But hey, look: she’s 70 years old, she’s saying her sexuality is up for grabs; what is that if not a teachable moment? If you turn Susan Sarandon gay, maybe there are a lot of other ways you could wake her up.
Your call, either way. Just thought you should know.