Welcome to the 70th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month, like this one, is themed! NEXT month’s theme is FAMILY ISSUES. Bring us your questions about whether you go to THAT gathering, whether or how to cut someone off or reduce communication, sticking up for your partner, sticking up for yourself, looking out for vulnerable members of your family and more. Get those questions in by Wednesday, November 7th! Go! Do it!

The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic, publish on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

Hi everyone! This is for the ‘Long Term Relationships’ advice inbox. I don’t know if this counts, but I’ve been with my girlfriend for 10 months and I love her so much. Even though I’m in my early 30s, this is by far the longest and most serious relationship I’ve ever been in. Recently, we mentioned the idea of moving in together in the future. I find myself really hung up on perceptions that lesbians move fast, as well as deep personal anxiety about what moving in together might mean for our relationship. I’ve never lived with a partner before and don’t know what a reasonable time into a relationship to move in together actually is. Any advice? I want to talk to her about my anxieties (and hers) but hoping to get some perspective before having the next conversation. Insights very much appreciated.

A:

Sa’iyda: First, 10 months definitely counts as long term! Now let’s address the question. Only you and your girlfriend know when it’s the right time to move in together. My fiancee and I were talking about moving in together pretty quickly after we started dating. We were planning on waiting about six months for logistical reasons, but life had other plans. We ended up moving in together three and a half months after we started dating, totally proving the stereotype to be true. It was scary, but the thing that made it significantly less scary was talking about it. Be honest with her about how you’re feeling about the situation, good and bad. I can almost guarantee that you will have some of the same fears. Merging your life with someone else’s in this way has a lot of moving parts, and it’s imperative to be as open and honest with your partner as possible when you’re making such a big plan. Don’t forget to talk to her about the things you’re excited about too. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in all the fear and anxiety that you forget all the good feelings you have! If it helps you feel less worried, create a timeline for how the move will go. Are you moving into one of your existing places or a new one? When do leases end? How much stuff do you have, and will it necessitate a separate storage facility? Having a plan gives you something tangible to go back to when you start to worry.

Remember, this is an ongoing conversation, you’re likely not going to have a resolution to all of your concerns immediately. And bear in mind, new concerns will pop up as you go along! You will likely have new things to talk about once you move in together too! The most important thing is to just keep talking through them and not letting anything fester. Open communication is the key here. Good luck!

shea First – congrats on 10 months! Second, I totally agree with Sai! When thinking about moving in together, it’s totally all about what makes sense for YOU AND YOURS! I also empathize with your feelings about the stereotype. I’ve been with my partner for seven years and when we first started dating, I was hyper-aware of that stereotype, worried about losing my independence, and concerned about how I’d be perceived by my family, friends, and coworkers. I didn’t officially move in with my partner until we’d been together for three months or so, but I was basically living there after the second week, too. For us, the decision was based on a mix of the early infatuation that accompanies a new relationship, convenience, and practicality. At the time, I lived 45 minutes away from my job and her house was just 5-10 minutes from my job. I wanted to spend more time with my partner, so I just ended up spending nights closer to work so I could see her during the week without being tired. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t still struggle with my anxieties around others’ perceptions and losing independence. You didn’t mention whether you’d be finding a new place together or moving your stuff into an existing space of your partners’ (or vice versa) but when I moved into my partner’s house, we had a lot of honest conversations about how we could shift things in the home to make it feel like “mine” as well. Our styles are pretty different and so it just required a ton of compromise and communication. I also want to say that moving in together doesn’t have to mean combining everything all at once. If you’re worried about losing autonomy or space/time, I would voice that and be intentional about scheduling alone time or doing stuff in the home (or away from it) without your partner. Sometimes, new cohabitants get so excited about “playing house,” they forget to take, explore, and intentionally exist on their own. Lastly, fuck stereotypes and what other people things – does it make sense for you? For y’all? If so – make a plan, buy some boxes, and go ahead and rent that damn U-Haul!

Q2:

For the long term relationship advice box! My GF and I have been together for 3.5 years, and have been living together since the pandemic began. We’re both in our 30s, monogamous, and this is the longest and most serious relationship for either of us. I believe in marriage generally, and love the idea of a big wedding, while she is much more agnostic about the whole concept. For about the last year, I’ve been seriously considering proposing. I have planned out exactly how I’d do it, in a way I think she would love. And as we’ve been going to more and more weddings since things have opened up “post” pandemic, I’ve been thinking about it more and more. Also worth mentioning, my younger sister and younger cousin both got married recently, and my mom loves my GF and has not-at-all-subtly hinted to both of us that she wants us to get married, and soon. My question is – how do I know if I’m ready for marriage, rather than just a wedding? How do I really know if this is a person I want to be forever, rather than right now? What do I do about the “what ifs” I still have about a past relationship (who is married herself now). How do I know if I’m doing this because I want to rather than because it’s what my family wants? I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m afraid of committing to the wrong person. I think I’m afraid of divorce. It’s not something I’m familiar with. I have no super close friends or family who have been divorced or have first hand experience with divorce. And FYI yes, I’m already in therapy and I’ve been talking about this, and yes I’ve also been talking it out with one of my best friends. Any advice?

A:

Casey: At the risk of sounding deeply unromantic, I think it might be the best route for you to talk to your partner before proposing, given her being ‘agnostic’ (great way to put it, btw!) about weddings and marriage. I’m not totally sure by your wording if you mean she doesn’t care much for weddings in particular or marriage and weddings, but I am worried about you proposing and it being a total surprise to her especially if she’s unsure about marriage itself and not just the big celebration/event of a wedding. You can always keep your proposal plan a secret, so the actual proposal and the how and when and where of it will remain a surprise. But the actual asking to marry someone will not, which I think is a good thing. I’m looking at a lot of your questions about how to know that you’re ready for marriage and I think discussing getting married with the person you want to be married to will help with those worries! As someone who is married, I look at it like committing to continue committing to someone and to continue investing in our relationship. I don’t think marriage means committing to never ending your relationship if it is not serving you and your partner anymore, ie never getting divorced.

Most longterm relationships end at some point, some of them marriages and some of them not. Just because the relationship ends doesn’t mean it’s a failure! A lot of the time the relationship was really great until it wasn’t. Relationships ending can be very difficult, obviously especially if shared assets and/or kids / pets are involved. I’m not sure what the laws are where you live (I’m Canadian) but here if you’re living with someone for a certain amount of time you automatically gain the rights and responsibilities of a marriage, so in my mind there isn’t really a significant difference between divorce and any other longterm relationship ending. Committing to any person in a longterm relationship, marriage or not, is acknowledging the possibility that it will end. But if you really love and care for each other you’ll always try to make the best decisions for one another and your relationship – sometimes the best decision is divorce / breaking up. FWIW as a kid of divorced parents, I truly think divorce is the best option for some marriages! I know a few people who are divorced in their 30s and others who’ve ended 5+ year relationships and to me, there isn’t anything that really separates those two experiences.

shea I completely agree with Casey. When reading your question, my first thought was “why haven’t they asked their GF about it?” At the end of the day, you’ll be marrying your GF (not your friends or family). I’ve been married for six years and what has made our marriage last so far is open and honest communication – and that started even before the wedding. My partner and I talked about weddings, marriage, and even who would propose and our proposal preferences/dreams. I know the wedding industry (and romantic comedies) sells the idea of surprises as the ultimate romantic gesture, but I also think there ain’t nothing more romantic that a super thoroughly researched and intentional surprise. Not saying that you’re proposal isn’t researched or intentional but you HAVE to ask your GF about these things. Regarding marriage in general, it’s possible that you may just have “wedding fever,” but also maybe you are ready to commit and tie the knot. A couple of years ago, my wife asked me the “knowing what you know now, would you marry me again?” question. I said, “no” and quickly had to follow up with an explanation that reflected the journey I’ve gone on from wanting a wedding/marriage because that’s what it felt like I should do to be considered “normal,” “legitimate” or accepted in society to an anti-institution radical who thinks marriage is just a tool of the neo-liberal agenda. That being said – I think commitment ceremonies, deep love, and weddings can be absolutely beautiful. I love my partner and I’m grateful to have her by my side on this walk through life. Tomorrow, she could tell me that she’s done. I would be devastated but also so damn grateful for her partnership for this long. Like Casey said, forever is never guaranteed and you don’t need a wedding/marriage to be committed. If you just want to get dressed up, throw a party, and get the government benefits – I’d say go for it but before you plan the proposal of the century, it might be useful to consider and discuss your ideas about commitment, marriage, and weddings further with your GF.

Q3:

Long-term relationship advice with a poly / queer parenting flavor, please! Me: Solo poly, live with my platonic bestie, have an amazing sweetheart of 6+ years, want to put energy into chosen family and deep interdependent bad-ass networks of community, not particularly interested in having kids or parenting. My sweetheart: Lives with their other long-term partner about 45 min away from me, is also part of robust community, wants to be a parent (and so does their other partner), is currently starting their first IVF cycle after trying to get pregnant, off and on, for 4+ years. This kid possibility has been a scary thing for me in an otherwise pretty great situation. In my better moments I feel like there’s room in our weird little family and strength in our relationships to hold this possible kid, I’m excited about being a cool gay auntie figure, and I’m happy that my partner and meta get to pursue a big life desire. In my less good moments I’m sure that that I will get de-prioritized beyond repair, that I’m broken because I don’t want to have kids and I think kids are actively less fun than adults, and that a kid will make a great situation… less great. I’ve found very few stories out there about families that look like mine. It’s nice to see yourself reflected in the world, and I don’t, and that’s hard. I’d love some reflection and advice please. Is it possible to hang on to my solo self and also hold on to my partnership when a kid enters the scene? Is everything gonna explode? Are there families like ours that are having a fucking great, thriving sort of time? How do I navigate massive transition and change? Help!

A:

Casey: I’m not poly so I’m going to leave that aspect for someone who’s got experience there to address, but as someone who recently became a parent, I want to reassure you that you are absolutely not broken for not wanting to be a parent!! Being a parent is a difficult, demanding, all encompassing 24-7 job and it is great that you know yourself enough to know that it’s not for you. That’s a gift to the world and a gift to kids truly, because people who don’t want to become parents becoming parents is not good for anyone involved (hence the absolute cruelty of anti-abortion and forced birth advocates). Your partner and meta becoming parents will undoubtedly change their and your relationships, but it is of course very possible for you to hold on to those relationships as they change – if you decide you want to. I say if you decide you want to because being a parent is a huge life change and you might decide at some point that a partner who is a parent isn’t the best fit for you anymore, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Have you talked with your partner and meta about what your role to this kid would look like? Would it include any childcare? Would it include being around the kid a lot? How much? Have you talked to them about your worries? Wanting and not wanting kids is one of the few things a couple can’t compromise on. Obviously it’s complicated for you as your partner has a partner who wants to have kids. But I do think from your position that it’s understandable that this difference of life plans could end the relationship, if you decide that’s for the best!

To answer will you survive this change: I think your emphasis on your own and your partner and meta’s community is a wonderful sign; having community support especially for the first year of the kid’s life is life saving and will go a long way in helping the three of you continue to make time for yourselves as individuals and in your partnerships. In my experience, parents who have more adults involved in their kid’s life (especially the few queer families I know who have more than two parents!) have an easier time holding onto themselves as people separate from being parents. That heterosexual monogamy paradigm is real shit when it comes to supporting parents and kids. I absolutely believe queer and/or poly families and their investment in extended / found family and community are doing a better job.

Q4:

This is a question for the Long-Term Relationships advice box. My partner and I moved in together a year ago, after 4 years of happy dating. I’m in my mid-30s and this is the first time I’ve ever lived with a romantic partner, whereas they’re older and divorced. And we’re both avoidantly attached, which is a BUCKET of laughs, lemme tell you. I love them very much, but cohabiting has honestly not gone great, for lots of reasons. At one point, I packed my bags to move out, but we decided to keep working on things. Now we’re in couples counselling, and I think it’s helping in a lot of ways. But there’s still this problem: Due to past trauma from family and previous relationships, my partner is really nervous about deep conversation. They don’t like to ask too many questions about things I tell them, or express too many strong opinions, or delve too deeply into emotional topics. They say they’re afraid to say “the wrong thing” and ruin the relationship/drive me away. On the other hand, I absolutely thrive on deep conversation and I’m not willing to live without it (in some amount) in a long-term monogamous relationship. I’ve communicated this explicitly and (I hope) kindly. We have lots of other fun, non-deep conversations that I enjoy, so I didn’t initially think this would be a dealbreaker for me. But I’ve come to understand that it is. They’ve asked me for more reassurance, which is a very reasonable request that I want to fulfill! But it’s hard to genuinely reassure them about abandonment, given that I literally did almost walk out a few months ago. Is there a non-breakup way out of this catch-22?

A:

shea: I might be an optimist but I do think there’s a non-breakup way out of this. You’re already in couples counseling which means you’re doing great work. You didn’t mention this, but is your partner also in individual counseling? Given their past trauma and struggles to engage in deep conversation, it sounds like it would be helpful in navigating this situation. When I’ve had relationships (both romantic and platonic) with folks who have trouble engaging in hard/deep conversations, we’ve figured out ways to scaffold ourselves into deeper engagement. For instance, instead of having face-to-face conversations, we might write letters and mail them to each other, send emails or voice messages, or even create Google numbers and have those conversations as alter-egos. Sure, it may take longer to have those conversations, but at least it’s happening! I’m a teacher so I’m thinking through this with that lens too. Imagine a kid who had a horrible experience with essay writing in the past came into my writing class. And I just said, “I know about that old shitty writing teacher and your trauma around essays but we are going to write essays (and essays only) because that’s how you deeply engage with a topic!” That kid would totally just shut down. So maybe, I might say “hey, how about you just draw a picture of your analysis or write a sentence about it today.” The next time, I might ask them to write a letter to someone about it. At the end of the day, deep engagement would still be happening – it’d just look different for that kid. Maybe jumping into deep conversations is just too much for your partner right now. If you’re willing to explore different ways to engage in deeper conversations/interactions, consider asking your partner to unpack their hesitation further (alone or with you in therapy) and suggest a different entry point into deeper engagements. If that doesn’t work, you may have to honor your needs and leave the relationship.

Q5:

I’m a lesbian in my early 30s and will soon celebrate one year married to my lovely wife. After getting married I thought I would enjoy being able to say “wife” instead of “partner” and not have people assume I’m with a man. But every time a stranger asks me about my family, the word that comes out is “partner”. Worse, I then tie myself into knots avoiding a female pronoun if they ask any follow up questions. (I don’t outright lie.) I don’t understand why I’m doing this! I struggled a lot to accept myself as a teenager, but have been at peace with who I am for years. I am out to everyone who knows me. I recently moved to a new country — which is why I am having so many introductory conversations with strangers — and it’s a little more conservative here, I guess? I have to interact with people of all political stripes for my job, and very occasionally, staying closeted is the right move. But the vast majority of the time, there is a negligible chance of violence or discrimination, people are just making polite conversation, and I’m being weird about it for no reason. How can I get over this mental block and just call my wife, my wife?

A:

Casey: First of all, try not to beat yourself up about this. I think this impulse is at least partially because of fucking internalized homophobia!! Maybe the fact of being married and using wife in the face of anti-same sex marriage bullshit is triggering something in you. I also think people naturally have an instinct to protect themselves in new places and circumstances. Even if you consciously don’t want to, your brain might be defaulting to partner when you’re talking to new people in order to keep yourself safe. Maybe you’re just used to saying partner too if you used it for a long time before getting married.

Since you clearly want to start using wife and it sounds like you feel safe doing so, maybe you could do a little practice at home. With your lovely wife! It sounds cheesy but if you’re a little nervous about a certain type of conversation, it can really help to practise in a no stakes environment and think about a little script that you might use. I’ve done this at work as a librarian to practice dealing with certain types of library patrons and found it totally useful! You could even come up with a backup phrase to use (or action such as walking away) in the rare case of a weird reaction. Good luck and congratulations on marrying your wife!

shea: Before I jump into my advice – CONGRATS ON ONE YEAR! I agree with Casey about practicing at home. It sounds like a super cute exercise. I’d even go a bit further – what if you changed your wife’s name in your phone/computer to “name – MY WIFE” (followed by a ton of cute emojis of course)? I think it would honor the absolute joy and bliss that accompanies being a disgustingly cute newlywed who is super excited about being married. I wonder if you could also practice with strangers who you know to be LGBTQ+? I know you’re in a new place but if there’s a solid LGBTQ+ community, maybe try seeking out a meet-up to practice introducing your wife or talking about her using the label. Also – give yourself some grace when it comes to this. While it may seem like low stakes or very little chance of negative reactions, it’s still a possibility, especially in today’s world which seems to becoming less tolerant and accepting of LGBTQ+ folks. It’s also hard to meet new people and build community in this age of pandemic social interactions. You’re in a totally new place and trying to navigate being a lesbian newlywed during a pandemic that has impacted how everyone connects and responds to the world around them – cut yourself some slack. Good luck to you and your WIFE! :-)

Q6:

Is it ~possible~ for things to improve/patterns to change in a relationship? I’ve been with my partner for 6 months and a lot of it has been great, kind, compatible, etc. But there’s some trauma related codependence stuff they’re bringing to the table that I don’t know if I can do forever and isn’t leading me to feel very emotionally safe? We wanna like do couples therapy, and they’ve done a lot of therapy and have shown an ability to take responsibility for their shit….is it silly to try and put in the work 6 months in? I know there is no guarantee but I feel like I just need to know that it’s possible to look back a few years later at your past selves in a relationship and be like “yo that was really an issue but we really did the work and things are pretty good now”. They aren’t abusive or anything just anxiously attached.

A:

shea: In short – yes, it’s always possible for things to improve or change in a relationship. I’m always a fan of good, intentional therapy (especially when it’s going to help folks have better relationships). You’re just six months in and it sounds like you might be asking the “is this all even worth it?” question. There are some really good signs so far like they’re into therapy and accountability which means they are interested in continuing to develop and heal. That being said, I think it’s totally fair to notice and reflect upon some troubling signs when you see them. Here’s the deal though – if you’re into this person (it sounds like you are) and you want to give it a go for the time being (however long that might be), it might be worth it to try couples counseling. Even if you decide down the road that it’s not going to work, I feel like (good, productive) therapy has great potential to enrich your relationship in the now. When we’re new to relationships, we often spend a ton of money on dates, vacays, and presents to show our investment or excitement – maybe consider couples counseling as an investment in this new-ish thing/person you’ve got in your life.

Q7:

Heya, so this is for the long-term relationships box! Sorry that it is so long! So my partner and I (both nonbinary, they/them) have been living together for last 3 years or so, and all is well with us! This is not a question about them, rather about their parents. Their parents were somewhat ok about pronouns (or at least, just not using pronouns to refer to us) and all when we first started dating; I was openly nonbinary at that point, and my partner had…somewhat come out to them about being nonbinary as well. We did attempt some amount of educating said parents about pronouns/etc (a quick and easy guide, etc), but there definitely are certain subjects in their household that are ~not talked about~ and gender (and mental health, and …) is one of those subjects. Fast forward by about two years, and their parents are still not great with pronouns and have mostly gotten worse over time. Their mum has never been great, and their dad was ok until about 8 months ago, when he just started using only he/him pronouns for me (i’m not sure why, tbh). To give you an idea of how bad it gets, it’s gotten to the point of happening so many times during a single meal/board game/conversation that literally everyone else *including* their mum call him out on it. We’ve also overheard the parents discussing this (post an event like that) where they have stated clearly that the only reason that they bother trying to respect our pronouns is to not make us mad ://////. Unfortunately for me, this sort of ruins whatever activity we were trying to do, and just sort of corrodes my brain for a while. … (1 of 3)

(2 of 3) … I’ve talked about this with my partner and they also are really not a fan. Family does mean a lot to them (even though it also stresses them out), so I’ve just been dealing with this as best i can, trying to not make stuff any harder for them. This is a bit more pressing because my partner recently moved back to the city where their parents and most siblings are for grad school (woo! go them!), while I live about 1300 km/800 miles away because of my job. _Thankfully_ I’m able to work partially remotely usually, and my boss/PI/research team is ok with me heading off to visit my partner and working remotely for a week or two. However, this means more interactions with their family–and especially their parents, as they are living with them at the moment because housing is really hard to find. It’s also abundantly clear that their parents don’t really support/respect us as partners at this point; immediately assuming (without asking either of us) that we would break up when my partner moved, trying to find reasons that i can’t come visit them (we are just going to stay with a gay ob-gyn friend now), and doing what they can to separate us when we do visit. For what it is worth, all of their siblings are absolutely fantastic and worth their weight in gold and supportive/respectful/everything. So I guess, do you have any suggestions for dealing/coping/surviving with inconvenient attitudes/disapproval/etc from your wonderful partner’s family/parents? (2 of 3) [ sorry!! ]

(3 of 3) * ps: I know that my partner will be more likely to help stand up to stuff when they are a bit more independent from their parents (housing, primarily), but we both are tired of having to fight this battle on top of grad school/housing/capitalism/the world falling to pieces/etc. * pps: yes, i know that get a therapist is up there on the list of things that would be good for me to do. unfortunately there are a lack of qualified/available/affordable/queer-friendly /etc therapists in my location (3 of 3) [ sorry for how long this is! I just started writing and then it all sort of came out. thank you so much for doing your advice stuff and i appreciate you all! ]

A:

shea: Before I jump into any advice, I want to say (1) I’m sorry your partner’s parents are acting like absolute trash, and (2) you (and your boo) deserve so much better. From your question, it sounds like there’s a lot of stuff at play that makes this situation tricky to navigate – you’re in a long-distance relationship, your partner is in grad school and seems dependent on family for financial/housing support, and your partner is close with their family. You said you lived together for three years so I’m going to assume you’ve been together longer than that which means y’all have history, you’ve been through a lot, and you are grown-ass adults (I’ll return to this grown-ass-ness a lot). At the end of your letter, you mentioned the heaviness of the world and how tired you are of fighting. The world is heavy as hell, too heavy for y’all to be dealing with this bullshit. We’re living through trauma after trauma and your partner’s dad honoring your pronouns (and your relationship) is the bare minimum of what you deserve as far as affirmation from family. You are too damn old to be trying to coddle and tip-toe around other adults (the parents) who have been educated and reminded. If the dad/mom doesn’t want to honor pronouns or the relationship, I suggest you and your partner have a check-in about your own insecurities and hurt. You can explain how it’s weighing on you and listen to your partner’s concerns too. At the end of the day, however, your partner needs to say something. I’d recommend they do it without you, because at the end of the day – their call out/in is going to carry a lot more weight than yours. If the parents still choose to be trash, I’d recommend y’all take some more intentional space from them. It might be hard for your partner, but IMO no money/room/food is worth dealing with utter disrespect and disregard for your personhood (and relationship). I’m not saying this advice will make stuff easier, but it may make y’all feel a little more heard/affirmed in the long run.

Q8:

(for the long-term relationship box) I was raised by parents in a long term relationship polyamorous (mom & dad +1). My parents have recently told my brother and I (25 & 21) that their partner, who I consider a step-parent, left them after 15 years. I don’t know what to do with this information. It’s not like my mom & dad are going to split up– they were together more than 20 years before they met their ex-partner and they’ve assured us that they’re not going to break up, thank god, but I’m still (maybe obviously) feeling a lot of grief and confusion around the whole thing. I’ve always looked to my parents’ relationship as a role model, as something to strive for, as validation for my choice to pursue polyamory in my own dating life since I was quite young– so what do I do now that theirs has changed so drastically? I find I don’t relate at all to things about adult children of divorce because I still have two stable parents who love each other (even though they’re both pretty sad right now). I’ve never seen them fight in my life, but my mom let me know that my stepparent has been struggling with some very severe mental health problems and their relationship has been rocky for a while. I feel weird that I didn’t know. I feel afraid that my current and/or future polyam relationships are doomed, even though I know it’s not the same. And I’m just sad. I haven’t heard from my stepparent since about a week before I got the news (not unusual for them) and I miss them. If any of you have thoughts about like, how to sort out all these feelings I’d appreciate them. Or any book/podcast/movie/etc recs. Thank you all very much.

A:

Casey: Aw friend I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Just because your mom and dad are still together doesn’t mean it hurts any less to lose another parent. In addition to having this person in a parent role in your life, their relationship with your mom and dad was formative for your own identity and relationships. It is absolutely okay to take time to grieve the loss of this parent in their current relationship with you and your mom and dad. Have you spoken to your mom and dad about the possibility of a continuing relationship with your stepparent? If not right now, maybe in the future? I think it’d be a good idea to ask your mom and dad what they think about you contacting your stepparent, especially given their mental health. My dad and stepmom broke up many years ago but my dad is still close with his stepkids even though he’s not in contact with his ex-wife at all. Relationships change but you can still remain family in a different way!

It’s totally understandable that this breakup is making you think about your own poly relationships. The thing is, breakups are a common part of relationships, poly or not. Just because your parents’ relationship with your stepparent ended doesn’t mean the relationship was a failure and it doesn’t mean polyamory is a failure. I hope you can continue to look to your parents as role models for poly relationship styles in the way that they deal with this breakup as well as how they lived their life with your stepparent. Talk to them about your feelings of loss! I hope they can share how they are feeling as well, as much as they want to or feels right to them.

One last thing: have you talked to your brother about all this? He’s likely one of the only people who will really understand what you’re going through and I think it would help to be able to talk things through with him.

You’ll get through this, I promise (and I say this as a kid of parents who got divorced when I was young and then again got divorced when I was in my 20s from one of my stepparents). 💜

Q9:

Am poly with multiple girlfriends for the first time! I know the answer to most questions I could possibly ask is to communicate. I want all my relationships to become long-term relationships. My question is…what am I missing? I feel like every time I go through a crisis in my polyamory, I end up finding a million articles about exactly what I’m going through, but there’s no crisis here. Just… how do I sustain multiple romantic relationships while continuing to have time for myself and loving up on my friends and juggling my projects and working full time? Any thoughts, tips, resources, things to think about that you wish you’d been told are welcome!!

A:

Ro: Love is abundant — that’s what makes polyamory so exciting and beautiful! But we’re human, and our time and energy is limited. In order to sustain multiple relationships in a way that’s healthy and respectful for everyone involved, you have to be honest with yourself and with your partners about your capacity.

1. Ask yourself: How much time can I realistically devote to each partner? How much time do I need and want to devote to myself? To my friends? To my family? To my job? Then set some boundaries with your partners in order to protect your time (and make sure you’re clear on your partners’ boundaries, too).

2. But also: Be flexible. You don’t have to spend the exact same amount of time with each partner. Every relationship is its own, unique organism — they’ll all have different dynamics and needs. And remember that relationships are living, breathing things that involve living, breathing humans — so OF COURSE, they’re always changing! If you need to revisit boundaries that you and a partner have set together or if you need to reevaluate whether or not one of your relationships is serving you, that’s ok — it’s a normal part of dating.

3. Look for signs of burnout. If at any point you find yourself skipping hangouts with friends, missing solo time, or neglecting your job or household duties because you’re spending so much time and energy on your partners, that’s a sign to reevaluate your relationships. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to end any of your relationships — you might just need to establish some new boundaries. But the unfortunate reality is that sometimes we can’t sustain multiple romantic relationships while caring for ourselves, spending time with friends, working full-time, and juggling projects, even when we desperately want to do that — and that’s ok! Polyamory can require a lot of time and emotional energy, especially when you’re new to the practice, and if you’re neglecting your own needs, you won’t be able to fully appreciate all of the romantic love you have in your life. You also won’t be able to show up for your partners. If you’re feeling burnt out and need to change or end some or all of your relationships, it doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person who sucks at polyamory. You’re just human! Your relationships are supposed to serve you and the other people involved, and if that’s not happening, then it’s time for change.

Q10:

TLDR: can romance inspire happiness or are we just two queer grapes in solidarity as the hot headwinds of life shrivel us to platonic raisin companions? Me and my fiancee (together 8yrs) are v in love and magical when it’s just us, if we’re on holiday or if life is going well. Lately life is NOT GOING WELL… both our families and countries turned depressingly conservative, one relative is suicidal, another broke many bones, rent is up (extortionate+10%), we had a near death car crash 2021, we both hate work and neither is doing it well due to trauma which has led to money stress…I could go on I know it’s ok if romance and sex are not a priority atm cos that’s a lot. We’re both in therapy and taking time off. But I’m feeling less present with her lately, like I’m just not smiling or listening or laughing or getting butterflies as hard as I once did and I miss it. We got over codependence and expectations we had early on. But some patterns remain: a libido gap means we have sex ~every 3 months, which I’ve wanted to change for years. She hates pressure and I hate routines so scheduling dates/romance in advance doesn’t work. We’re both always trying to distract ourselves from lived reality, but I only feel romantic and connected when we’re both present. As the world is hellfire, we can’t wait for external factors or our individual MH to improve. At our best, I feel like we can create a lot of loving, sweet, hot and sexy joy, to feed into the rest of life, but now? How can we give time to each other FIRST, how can we have fun, before jobs/the dog/friend dates/mental health quests use up everything? Thx, anxious grape x

A:

Nico: So, you say that life is NOT GOING WELL right now. That is, unfortunately, so often our reality, right? It’s really fucking hard out there! And once the newness of a new relationship wears off, it can be hard to distraction-fuck your way through bad times. But that’s okay because getting through hard times together, is its own kind of intimacy. When you can get through the really trying, difficult things, you know that you can really trust each other and rely on each other. If you’re in a long term relationship, that’s a part of it because there’s no way things are going to be good the whole time, not in this world.

Sometimes, especially if you’re battling things like depressing situations or depression, you’re going to be in your head, more in need of distraction, less present. That’s okay. It’s a coping strategy. I think that the first step is just being super open and real with each other. I am sure you’re doing what you can to improve your mental health, but that’s not always going to be immediate and possible, so, just, opening up that conversation is super important. My partner and I have gotten through many a bout of depression just by voicing over and over again that we are, in fact, depressed. It can help to name it many times. I’m not saying you’re depressed, but I am saying that if there is a dark cloud — anxiety, panic, depression, grief — naming that, out loud, within the relationship is important.

Now, how do you cultivate sexy, loving, sweet, resistant joy? The first thing is that, when it comes to long-term relationships and the love within them, that love is partly a choice. You choose to lean into that love, to show your partner affection, to be sweet to them. With each action, ask yourself: am I showing up as best I can right now in this interaction? Instead of retreating inward, can you give your partner a hug? Even if you don’t have the energy for sex, can you tell your partner they’re sexy? All the little things add up.

Also, I know carving out date times doesn’t work for you, so maybe, a lower pressure way to work that in is by carving out intentional time with each other — not necessarily for sex or for dates, but just to actually try to be present. If you can allow yourself to be distracted and less present but then say, okay, but, Saturday afternoon is really for us, then act like it. Put your phones away, keep it clear of other responsibilities, let the chores go undone (obvs take care of the dog though, or make it a date with the dog by going to the park or a dog-friendly establishment!). And again, I have to say, sometimes things suck and are hard, but if this person is someone who you feel like you can mutually stick out the hard times with, and that you give each other strength — that’s really valuable, even if it isn’t always sunshine. It’s never gonna be sunshine all the time, is the thing, so the question is, whether you value this relationship. If yes, I think you can find a way. I believe in you. I do.

Q11:

I’m a genderqueer person getting married to a cis straight guy next year. I am over the moon and super excited, he’s the sweetest person ever, I can be completely myself with him and I realize I’m so lucky. I have no problems in my relationship but I hear a lot of stories about queer people marrying cis men that always seem to end in divorce, and them being happier with a queer partner instead. I completely understand why these narratives exist, but I guess I’m just seeking some stories like mine with happy endings to make me feel slightly less alone. If anyone has any examples to share that would be really helpful. Thanks!

A:

Casey: Hi fellow queer person in a longterm relationship / marriage with a non-queer person! I really feel you on this. Despite a lot of increased nuance in how we look at queer identity, I think there is still a lot of emphasis on the gender of your partner as a kind if signifier of queerness. At least that’s been my experience. For me in my partnership/marriage, I feel similarly to you that between just the two of us, things are great. The problems really exist outside of our relationship: people constantly assuming I’m straight because I’m with my cis straight male partner, being in straight social situations and people assuming I’m a part of their weird heterosexual culture, acquaintances giving my partner supposedly well-meaning biphobic “warnings” about me, ugh the list goes on. Some of this shit I just have to deal with, and I think to a certain extent I’d have to anyway if my partner were a woman or a non-binary person since I’m fairly gender-conforming in my appearance. But I like to embed myself into queer cultural stuff (like writing for Autostraddle, attending queer events, maintaining queer friendships, reading queer books) to remind myself that I’m a queer person myself and that identity and community and cultural connection has nothing to do with who my partner is, it’s who I am. Continuing to have those connections has enabled me to sustain my queer identity while being in a relationship with someone who isn’t queer.

I can think of a few literary queer folks who are in relationships with cishet men and have written memoirs about it, like Lucy Knisley, Erika Moen, and Andrea Bennet (who is nonbinary, their book is called Like a Boy But Not a Boy). This list I made of M/F romance novels where the bi woman’s queer identity is centered might interest you! It is focused on queer women in relationships with men, so not your situation, but I think those novels have a lot to say about maintaining and nourishing a queer identity when in a partnership with a non-queer person.

You are definitely not alone! 💜

Q12:

(CW: homophobic families, religion) Hi team, I have been with my girlfriend for 14 months. I’m 32, this is my first relationship of any kind and I’m incredibly happy with her. I have told pretty much everyone in my life about my gf – and therefore that I’m queer – except my grandparents. I am lucky enough to have 4 grandparents and I see them often. I know they love me very much and they’re good, kind people. The sticking point is that one set is deeply religious (my grandfather was a Church of England vicar – which doesn’t affirm same sex relationships) and I fear that if I told them they would find it incredibly distressing. Their faith is hugely important to them and they believe homosexuality is a sin that keeps you from God/heaven. They are in their nineties and increasingly frail. My girlfriend is not from this country and her family live overseas. I would love to have her join my family (everyone else loves her and we’ve spent lots of time together) for Christmas and I know she would love that too. We have talked about this issue and she understands me not telling my grandparents, but I don’t want it to keep her from our Christmas. I FEEL like I’m trying to protect my grandparents and not myself, because I believe they would treat me with kindness but find it very difficult privately. But I also want to protect my relationship. It feels like it’s going somewhere long-term and life-changing and not coming out fully is getting in the way of imagining our future. But it feels so selfish to upset my elderly grandparents for my own benefit. Perspectives from outside my family or partner would be amazing.

A:

Ro: It’s not selfish to “upset” your grandparents. Coming out to someone is a gift. You’re saying, “Hey! I have this exciting part of my life that I want to share with you!” If your grandparents aren’t willing to accept that gift, that’s on them.

That said, coming out to homophobic, religious relatives can definitely create some problems for you. Before you come out to them, ask yourself: Can I emotionally deal with the potential consequences of this? Because truly, having people you love look you in the face and tell you you’re to hell is a LOT. And if you think that’s in the cards and you’re not ready to handle that, that’s ok.

You said you think your grandparents might react with kindness and struggle with the news privately, and I want you to know that it’s ok for your grandparents to go through that struggle. They might come out on the other side with open minds. My religious, homophobic grandmother struggled with my queer identity, but eventually, she came around — at least in some ways. The year before she died, my grandmother told me that she actually didn’t mind that I dated women — but it was a BIG problem that I was living with my girlfriend “out of wedlock.” Ha!

If you’re going to come out to your grandparents, please, PLEASE do that well before your girlfriend comes to visit, and let them know that your girlfriend will be visiting for Christmas so they’re not surprised. It is not kind or fair to trap someone in a situation where relatives are potentially spewing hate.

Also, make sure your girlfriend feels comfortable spending time with your grandparents (if she doesn’t want to be around homophobic people, that’s 100% valid!), and make a plan for how to handle any weird comments or awkward conversations. It really helps to have allies in these situations, so make sure your other relatives are willing to step in if any homophobia arises. Good luck!

Casey: I want to emphasize Ro’s point that it is absolutely not selfish to want to share your full self with your grandparents and your family, especially in wanting to have your girlfriend with you for an important family celebration. It sounds like you’re in it for the long haul and that means your girlfriend is your family now too!

Ro went through some ideas for planning to come out to your grandparents and bringing your girlfriend to Christmas. I think it’s useful to compare that plan with your other options: 1) don’t come out to your grandparents and don’t include your girlfriend at Christmas. This option sucks, obviously. You would really miss your girlfriend and I bet you would feel resentful at feeling like you had to leave your partner behind because of some of your family’s homophobia. How much of an effect will that have on your Christmas? It might put a pretty big damper on your holiday.

Option 2) you don’t come out to your grandparents but you bring your girlfriend to Christmas anyway. This option also sucks! How are you going to feel censoring your words and behavior to make your homophobic grandparents comfortable? How weird will it be to feel like you’re keeping a big secret from them? Having to lie about who your girlfriend is?

I think looking at your options of not coming out to your grandparents and how shitty they are makes the plan of telling them ahead of time and bringing your girlfriend look better in comparison!

One other thought: Have you considered getting your parents or other family involved in coming out to your grandparents? They could even have the initial conversation with your grandparents. This is a great way to get your allies to show up for you. If your grandparents have an initial bad reaction, ask hurtful questions, etc., your parent(s) could field those instead of you. They could share their own experiences learning about your queerness and any struggles they had to accept it.

Q13:

For the long-term-relationship advice box: how do you foster a greater sense of closeness with a partner who has trouble opening up and being vulnerable around their thoughts and feelings? They are way less of a “sharer” than I am — I want to know what’s on their mind especially when they’re struggling, but they’re a bit like a cat: not always showing what’s happening under the surface. We’ve talked about this before and we both agree we want to feel a greater sense of closeness with each other, but I struggle to know/articulate exactly what I’m asking for and how I think we could get there. Advice appreciated!

A:

Nico: Ahahah! Your partner sounds like me, sometimes, honestly. So, when I try to think about this from that perspective, I think that I need to feel ultra comfortable and like it is SHARING TIME in order to share. When I am in the moment with emotions, I like to hold them close. It does not always help me to pause and reflect in real time and I often choose to process later. It might be helpful to accept if this is the reality. In terms of EVER getting someone to share, though, I think being specific can be helpful. My partner and I played a game last Christmas that was like…we decided to play a game we called “Love is Blind” like after the reality show where we created a physical barrier between each other on the couch so we couldn’t see each other and took turns asking each other personal questions from a list that we pulled up in a randomized order. We treated our years-long relationship like a place that was ripe for discovery. I think there are ways to gamify sharing, to make it fun and not super pressurized, to invite more sharing by sharing more yourself. I think with this, it’s less like unlocking the secret and more like building up a sustained practice of being emotionally vulnerable and trusting that it will be okay. That can build over time.

Also, key, is making sure that WHEN you learn something emotional, that you react in a way that is helpful. My favorite thing I need to remember to do more, especially with people sharing negative feelings, is to ask what is most helpful to provide in that situation — solutions, support, listening, hugs, vocal support, etc. I think it’s good to have frank discussions about how you like sharing to be received by each other so that everyone feels at peace about how things are going to be shared if they DO SHARE. If you know what will happen if you do share, it’s less scary. Good luck, and I hope that having these conversations goes okay. Remember, it’s a journey and a process. No one can change overnight, but a lot of people have barriers to sharing their feelings because of past situations, so I appreciate you looking it as something you can work on.

Q14:

I’m dating this amazing human at the moment. Absolutely in love with them. We’ve been hanging/dating since early February and are at the whole exclusive committed just us (we both do the whole monogamy thing) stage. We talk a lot about our future plans and what we want…kids and houses and jobs and all that. It’s the most mature open relationship I’ve ever been in and it’s wonderful. I can truly see myself in this for as long as possible (it’s been a really hard year and I’ve kinda lost ability to think far into my future but if I was able to she’d be there). But you can tell we’re still hesitant to talk about us and the future. We talk about our relationship and what we want and we know we want to keep going but we tiptoe around including one another in plans. For me it’s just because it makes me nervous to bring it up. I don’t want to scare her off. And I don’t want to go too fast. We’re long distance ish right now. An hour drive which isn’t much but we’re busy adults and don’t see one another too often. I’m trying to move and find new work and for now she’s here. But she’s also wanting to look for work within the next few months and move. I haven’t been job hunting recently because life is kicking my ass but also because I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose her. And we’ve agreed we’d do longer distance. But I also don’t want to. I want her closer. Not further away. And she’s looking to move too. It’s way too soon to say hey let’s do this together. But is it? How do I bring this up? Or at least the possibility? Do I? Is it wild to want to plan your next steps around someone? How do I have this chat? Thanks!

A:

Ro: You’ve been dating this person for quite a few months, and you’re clearly both excited about each other — so it makes perfect sense to talk about your future together, or at least ask some questions! It can be scary to initiate that conversation, but if you don’t do it, you’re probably going to regret it.

You don’t have to present a whole future plan to your partner (that will probably freak her out). Just tell her how you feel (something like, “I’ve really been enjoying our time together, and I like the idea of us living closer together instead of farther apart”). Then ask her how she would feel about that. Maybe she’ll be open to talking about that possibility. Maybe she won’t — and if that’s the case, you have to respect her boundaries. Just make sure you’re clear on what would or would not be a dealbreaker for you before you go into this conversation.

I cannot stress this part enough: Have this conversation soon! Have it before you’re both locked into jobs and leases on opposite sides of the country! I believe in you and your love!

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