Let’s F*ck Up Some Bagel Bites

If I had to pick a one true love when it comes to food, I would hands down, 100%, choose Bagel Bites. On the morning of my birthday every year, my girlfriend brings in my breakfast: a fresh tray of Bagel Bites (because what monster transfers them to a plate). She gifts them to me while I sit in bed and I eat them all while she watches, probably amazed by how stunning I look as I shove each and every one into my mouth before I’ve even gotten up to pee or put my eyebrows on.

The case for Bagel Bites: they are affordable and lovely and delicious no matter what. Undercooked? Still good. Overcooked? Still good. Forgot about them in a depression haze and now you’re digging them out of the microwave an hour later? Still good. Bagel Bites are not a stride into the ~world of wellness~ or a food I would call healthy, but they are a good food. They have tomato sauce and cheese and protein. Sometimes they have pepperoni, but I’m a vegetarian, so that’s gross. I like my Bagel Bites without flesh, thank you!

And, they’re a good food in many different forms. Most major grocery stores offer their own versions of Bagel Bites, with Target, Walmart, Harris Teeter, and Trader Joe’s offering pizza bagels, though of course Trader Joe’s calls theirs “Spizzico di Pizza” because they’re Trader Joe’s, so they had to be extra and try to make a pizza bagel a fancy food. Ultimately, though, Bagel Bites are amazing because not only are they affordable, but you can get them in fucking huge packs: Bagel Bites come in 9, 18, 24, 40, and 72 count varieties. You can be like me and get a larger pack and then make a little charcuterie of Bagel Bites with a side of Bagel Bites. A damn delight.

You can also make them work for you. Here’s the scoop on that.

How to DIY Bagel Bites

Keep it simple. Get your favorite mini bagels (I’m not fancy about my bread so I typically just do whatever store brand is available), and get a marinara sauce, and then get some shredded cheese. If you wanna step up your game, get some fresh bagels and make your own marinara sauce and shred your own cheese. Alas, while I like cooking, when I am in anxious or stressed out times, all I want is to not cook and for my food to take one minute and thirty seconds in the microwave, so I rarely make them myself.

Alternative ways to step up your Bagel Bites prior to fucking them up: make them on an english muffin to make them crunchy, or make them on a regular-sized bagel so you can really hold it in both hands and shove it into your face. In terms of details, this recipe from The Comfort of Cooking recommends cooking them at 400 degrees for about twelve minutes. They also suggest adding pineapple, which is a yes from me.

How to DIY Vegan Bagel Bites

Swap cheese for Daiya Mozzarella Style Shreds, which don’t taste exactly like cheese but are somehow better than your standard shredded mozzarella, in my humble opinion as a vegetarian and not a vegan. Grab some mini bagels, like Thomas Mini Bagels, which are vegan. This recipe from Strength and Sunshine is also gluten-free, which is nice, and this recipe from Lila Ruth is vegan and also teaches you how to DIY grain-free bagels from scratch. Fancy as hell.

How to Set the Scene

Bagel Bites are best observed in bed. They do especially well with a thick, gooey face mask (my votes: Cocokind’s Chlorophyll Mask, the Bliss Marshmallow Mask, or the Laneige Water Sleeping Mask, which is extra nice because you don’t have to wash it off) that starts to dribble down your chin because you can just pop a single bite right into your mouth without having to figure out how to take a bite without getting face mask all over it. For a solo date night, eat them in the bathtub while you have a book at your side that you’re for sure totally not going to end up ditching for your phone just to aimlessly scroll through gay TikTok. Find someone cute and share them, but only if you really want to or if you have enough that you actually have to share. It’s your right to never share a Bagel Bite ever, no matter how nicely they ask. You put in that minute and thirty seconds and they’re all yours yours yours.

Let’s fuck these up together, shall we?

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Rachel Charlene Lewis is a QPOC, writer, and editor. She is on Instagram Instagram and Twitter as @RachelCharleneL. She lives in North Carolina with a badly behaved tortie kitten and many almost-dead plants.

Rachel has written 8 articles for us.


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