2017: the year mommi rose like a phoenix from the ash – literal, actual ash, because everything’s on fire – to relieve daddy of its cultural duties. Born from two admirers of self-assured, self-sufficient, aesthetically and lifestyle driven women, mommi has captured our hearts and changed the way we think about the world around us. Or, it’s just a new word you can apply to almost anything if you try hard enough. Either way, good stuff.
To all of our mommis, mommi fans, confused bystanders watching this all go down, as well as those thinking about dabbling: this one’s for you.
T-Back Bralette ($28)
A salesperson at a boutique would call this a “fun” take on a razorback, in that “for example, here is my spine” kind of way, and the word “fun” being applied to an inanimate object that isn’t a toy is a great indicator that mommi is near. Wear it with a fun shirt, you know? Let it peek through, even; people are already curious about you. Are you married? Do you have children? Are you dating? You’ll never tell.
Contour Key Ring ($16)
Look at these minimal ass key rings and tell us you can’t hear them and the keys they carry hitting a hook on an accent wall.
Customized Jewelry ($30)
Customization is Mommi 101, and this script font is 102.
Wrap Jumpsuit ($67)
If anyone wants to devastate us in a wrap jumpsuit for the holidays LMK.
Sorry but mommis own rose gold.
Totes get you halfway to casual mommi in the first place, but this message really brings it 100; mommis don’t just like to celebrate themselves, they like celebrating others.
Reverse Shopper Bag ($32)
Still, you’ll need a bag that means business, and that means one that really embodies a staple of mommi culture: taking it from day to night.
Welland Dress ($180)
I’m sorry, peekaboo wrists? What will be left in this dress’s wake is a collective sense of “first of all how dare you,” which is the mommi way.
We don’t know how to tell you this but: velvet boots in various colors. Women getting out of cars or public transit in velvet ankle boots of various colors. Women getting out of cars or public transit in velvet ankle boots of various colors as they swing a bag into the crook of their elbow.
KitchenAid Power Stand Mixer ($200)
Hail to the chief.
Mommi Tee ($25)
We’ve deemed these shirts “the essence of mommi” on account of their simple yet alluring nature. Please be aware that these can be worn as a signal to other mommis or to signal for mommis. Thanks.
Leatherette Knot Top ($90)
A three-quarter length, leather, eye-drawing-knotted top. May peace be with you.
Ora 2 (Oral Sex Simulator) ($190)
I hope we’ve established mommi well enough for you at this point for you to know that mommis are sexually empowered and will handle theirs regardless of their dating status. We didn’t think this could get any more mommi than it already is with its gold accenting and its shade of blue that would be described as a “pop” of color by an interior designer trying to sell you on more throw pillows, and then we watched the 10-second demonstration video (not that kind of demonstration video) and the person holding it has a nude gel manicure.
Pattern Cashmere Shawl ($27)
This item is listed as the following on Amazon: “Milumia Women’s Winter Knitted Cashmere Poncho Capes Shawl Cardigans Sweater Coat.” It is all of those things at once, making it Mommi Aggregate. It should be worn overlooking any number of landscapes with a glass of wine in hand.
Mommis have their shit together, and this means thanking someone for a gift, a favor, or an experience before someone can even begin to wonder if they remembered. Keep it on theme with a minimalist, stylish design.