My Girlfriend and I Got High and Came Up With Role Plays for You To Try With Your Girlfriend

Are you and a partner interested in role playing? Are you worried you won’t be good enough at improv?

Hello, my name is Drew Burnett Gregory and in addition to being a Senior Editor at Autostraddle, I’m also a screenwriter. And I’ve written some interactive porn for you to try out with a partner.

During one of our Autostraddle brainstorm meetings, I suggested writing a piece about people who do elaborate role playing. I, myself, am better at writing and acting than improv and thought there must be others like me who yearn for more structure in their sexual fantasies. My colleagues weren’t convinced, but they did suggest I could create the world I wanted to see and provide you all with a little encouragement in the form of pre-written scenes.

When I sat down to come up with these concepts, I felt stuck. Should they be grounded and subtle? Should they be over-the-top and porn-y? Or should they feel like real movie sex scenes?

All these concerns went away when I got high and my girlfriend got high and I said hey help me come up with some concepts for this thing I have to write tomorrow.

The scattered concepts we devised were a combination of erotic and nonsensical and now I have tasked myself with turning these notes into full scenes for your enjoyment. Whether you just read them to have a laugh or actually act them out with your partner before sex, I hope they bring you all the pleasure you deserve.

Scene #1

High notes: astronauts, she’s been waiting there since 1964, so only 28, 28 went to space still 28 now, that’s space time

INT. MOON BASE - DAY Dr. Alexis Alexandria stands awkwardly in a giant metal room. It looks like a studio apartment with 1960s decor except it’s bigger and half of it is taken up by what appears to be a high-tech greenhouse. Sitting on the bed is another woman named Lulu. LULU You look confused. ALEXIS Yeah, well, a distress signal on the moon. I thought it was an error or, maybe, some old tech left by the Soviet Union. I didn’t expect... this. LULU I expected this a lot sooner. What year is it on earth? ALEXIS 2033. LULU 2033. Wow. ALEXIS Wait, when did you arrive here? LULU 1964. ALEXIS Now I know you’re lying. What is this place? LULU I’m not lying. I was sent here in 1964. ALEXIS A man didn’t walk on the moon until ‘69. LULU That’s what they want you to think. ALEXIS They didn’t even have women astronauts in ‘64!

LULU There’s a lot you don’t know. ALEXIS Okay, well, then why do you look so young? LULU I’m 28. ALEXIS But you arrived here 70 years ago?? LULU That’s how time works in space. It’s called space time. Alexis looks closer at Lulu, trying to figure out if Lulu is telling the truth, or at least thinks she’s telling the truth. ALEXIS And you’ve just been here by yourself? All these years? LULU They told me it would just be for a few years. But I suppose it’s been more than a few. ALEXIS 70 years. Wouldn’t a person die from loneliness? LULU 69. ALEXIS What? LULU 69 years. ALEXIS I was rounding up. LULU 69 years was plenty. You don’t need to round up. ALEXIS I’m so sorry you were left here.

LULU I was used to loneliness on earth. I was what we called in my day a lesbian. ALEXIS Well, then you’ll like it in 2033. LULU Oh? ALEXIS Everyone is a lesbian. LULU They are?? ALEXIS Everyone I’m friends with at least. LULU Wow. So that means... you’re a lesbian? ALEXIS It does. There’s an awkward silence. ALEXIS If your spacesuit still works, you could come with me to my ship and we could be back on earth today. LULU Oh gosh. I don’t know if I’m ready for that. Can you just sit here with me for a moment? I know I look 28, but you’re the first person I’m talking to in 69 years other than myself. ALEXIS Of course. Alexis sits down next to Lulu. LULU You’re really a lesbian? ALEXIS I am. Alexis leans in and kisses Lulu. They start making out.

Scene #2

High notes: shoe cobbler, ballerina, “these look really worn, looks like you need someone to take care of you,” emotional breakdown, shoe polish, “will you teach me to love myself,” slippery and wet shoe polish sex, flips sign over to say closed

INT. SHOE REPAIR STORE - EARLY EVENING A ballerina walks in holding a pair of worn ballet flats. BALLERINA Hi, do you repair ballet flats? COBBLER Ballet flats, tap shoes, you name it. BALLERINA Great. I cannot afford to get a new pair right now. COBBLER Let me see ‘em. The ballerina hands over the shoes. COBBLER I can do it for $20. BALLERINA Oh my God! Amazing! COBBLER These look really worn. Looks like you need someone to take care of you. BALLERINA What? COBBLER Who runs your company? They’re pushing you too hard. BALLERINA That’s ballet. That’s the life. COBBLER Rest is important too. That’s how you show yourself love. The ballerina starts to cry. COBBLER Let it out. BALLERINA Will you teach me? Will you teach me to love myself?

COBBLER Babe, I’m just a cobbler. What do I know about love? BALLERINA I see the way you take old and broken shoes and make them look brand new. Treat me like a shoe. COBBLER Well, that’s just polish. The ballerina leaps onto the cobbler’s counter and takes off her shirt. BALLERINA Polish me up. The cobbler takes out a bottle of polish** and begins to pour it on the ballerina’s chest and torso, rubbing and buffing as she moans in pleasure. COBBLER Wait. BALLERINA No, don’t stop. The cobbler runs around the counter and flips the sign from open to closed. COBBLER Now let me get my shoe hammer. BALLERINA Yes! God, please, yes. **I would not use actual shoe polish for this. Maybe some lube or lotion or something.

Scene #3

High notes: SeaWorld employee, talking dolphin, dolphin has secrets, sexy mermaid trapped in dolphin’s body, trapped by SeaEOs of SeaWorld, only cure is craziest orgasm, “it’ll catapult me back into this earthly realm”

EXT. SEAWORLD - EARLY EVENING Jo, a SeaWorld employee, is cleaning up after hours. VOICE (O.S.) Hi there. Jo whips their head around. JO Hello? VOICE (O.S.) Look to your left. Jo does and sees no one... no person that is. Daphne the Dolphin, one of their most popular attractions, is staring right at them. JO Daphne? DAPHNE THE DOLPHIN Yes, it’s me. I have secrets. JO Wha- what kind of secrets? DAPHNE THE DOLPHIN I am not Daphne the Dolphin. My name is Francine. I was once a powerful mermaid, but I was trapped in this dolphin body by the evil SeaEO of SeaWorld. JO My God what was in that edible? FRANCINE This is not the drugs! It’s real! And I need your help! JO The SeaEO has magic powers? FRANCINE Of course not! But he knows people who do. JO I see... FRANCINE Please help me!

JO Okay, how can I help? FRANCINE Well, the only cure is to have a crazy orgasm. It’ll catapult me back into this earthly realm. JO Okay now I know I’m being pranked. FRANCINE I’m serious! JO I’m sorry, I’m not fucking a dolphin. Even one that talks. FRANCINE I’m not a dolphin! I’m Francine the mermaid and I’m VERY beautiful. JO I don’t know... FRANCINE We don’t have to make out. I just need you to rub my dolphin clit. JO I don’t know... FRANCINE Please. If you do this, I’ll welcome you into my mermaid kingdom. JO I don’t know if that’s something I want. FRANCINE Trust me. You do. Francine the mermaid trapped in Daphne the dolphin flips over in the water to reveal her large dolphin clitoris. Jo walks toward the water and begins to rub.

Scene #4

High notes: private detective, wealthy tennis instructure, married to SeaEO of SeaWorld, suspects husband not only of cheating but of EMBEZZLING and pinning crime on her, she will seduce husband while wearing a wire, “I’ll show you how I’ll seduce your husband,” pours water on herself and says “lick it up ball boy”

INT. OFFICE - DAY Private detective, James Dick, is sitting at his desk reading through some papers. A knock at the door. JAMES Come in. Miranda Van Astor, a woman dressed in a high-end, all-white tennis outfit walks in. MIRANDA I hear you’re the guy to talk to if I need to catch someone in a lie. JAMES I have that reputation, yes. MIRANDA What if that someone is my husband? JAMES Then you’d be like a dozen other women who have come through my office this week. MIRANDA I guarantee I am nothing like those other women. James puts down his papers. JAMES Okay, you have my attention. Take a seat. Miranda doesn’t sit. MIRANDA I wouldn’t be here if my husband was just cheating. He is, of course. But that’s not the problem. We’ve been cheating on each other since our wedding day. James glances at Miranda’s strong bare legs beneath her skirt. MIRANDA My husband is the SeaEO of SeaWorld and he’s been embezzling money. Now he wants to pin it on me.

JAMES Sounds like a whale of a problem. Miranda is not amused. JAMES I can follow your husband, tap his phones. But you’re already closer to him than I’ll ever be. How would you feel about wearing a wire? MIRANDA My husband knows very powerful people. I’d be risking my life. JAMES Well, in that case, it’s going to take me some ti— MIRANDA I didn’t say no. Miranda finally sits down. MIRANDA What do I have to do? JAMES Can I ask you a personal question? MIRANDA We’re well beyond pleasantries. JAMES Do you and your husband still... MIRANDA On occasion. I try not to make a habit of it. JAMES If you can seduce him, men will say all sorts of things during sex. MIRANDA I can seduce him. I’m skilled at seduction. JAMES I believe that. MIRANDA I’ve seen you looking at my legs.

JAMES Guilty. MIRANDA Want me to show you how I’ll seduce my husband? JAMES I trust your abilities. Miranda reaches across the desk to grab a glass of water, revealing her cleavage. MIRANDA We met at my tennis club. That’s where I learned his desires. Miranda stands up, still holding the water, and walks over to James’ chair. She puts one foot on the chair and begins pouring the water down her leg. MIRANDA Lick it up, ball boy. James grabs her foot and places it back on the ground. He stands up. JAMES I’m not your husband. MIRANDA Oh? Then what are you into? JAMES Not being had by a billionaire’s wife for one. MIRANDA What could I possibly be up to? Except for a bit of fun? James looks as Miranda. She smiles. JAMES I’m going to regret this. James grabs Miranda’s wet leg and hoists her onto his desk. He starts licking the water down to her foot.

Scene #5

High notes: opera singer, no wait a wannabe opera singer, meets the world’s most famous opera singer, both women, for mommy issues, good singer berates bad singer, “posture of a lousy schoolboy,” needs muscle flexibility in her mouth

INT. REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY Jen, 24, walks into a rehearsal room she’s rented in midtown. She’s surprised to find Katarina, 46, in the room. JEN Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong- KATARINA Don’t apologize, my dear. I’m just finishing up. JEN Oh my God. You’re Katarina Bonetti. KATARINA Yes, I know. JEN You’re- You’re the reason I’m an opera singer. KATARINA I don’t think so. JEN No, it’s true! I saw you perform when I was a kid, my first time in the city. KATARINA I believe you. But you’re not an opera singer. JEN Well, I’m training to be. KATARINA I don’t see it. Jen is stunned. KATARINA You have the posture of a lousy schoolboy. Jen stands up straighter. JEN I assure you, I’m quite good. KATARINA Well, sing something for me.

JEN I’m not warmed up. Katarina finishes gathering her things and goes to leave. JEN No, wait! Help me. Teach me. Katarina turns around and grabs Jen’s face. KATARINA First of all, you mumble. You need muscle flexibility in your mouth to produce any sort of sound. Jen speaks even as Katarina’s hand is still gripping her face. JEN How do I stretch my mouth? Are there any exercises you can show me? KATARINA I can think of a few. Katarina kisses Jen hard and wet. KATARINA That’s just a warm up. Put a chair in front of the door and I’ll show you the best technique. Jen follows instructions and props a heavy chair in front of the door. She walks back toward Katarina. KATARINA Get on your knees. Jen follows instructions yet again.

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 568 articles for us.


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