Here Are Some Title Suggestions For Kellyanne Conway’s Inevitable Memoir

An article came out last week applauding Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway for being the first woman to run a “successful presidential campaign,” which is certainly one way to use words to describe something. To be honest I could have done without this particular glass ceiling being shattered, but this must be major news for someone who I assume references themselves in third person. “Congratulations, Kellyanne Conway,” the aforementioned article headline reads, and also happens to be what Kellyanne Conway says aloud to herself every time she throws a skeeball, even if it goes in the gutter area.

One for the history books, I’m sure. But, of course, you’ve not been sewn into America’s quilt until you’ve written a memoir. And now that the campaign’s run its course, Kellyanne should have nothing but time to give the people what they want.

Except, oops, nope, Trump has no idea how to be president, is reeling from the “scope” of it all, and needs extra training before taking office in literally two months. Sure. Fine. It’s fine. That’s fine.

If you’ve ever tried to tutor the rich white kid, you know how quickly they revert to Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer, which means Kellyanne and her team are going to have their hands full for awhile.

So, I’m here to help Kellyanne. After all we’ve been told it’s our civic duty as Americans to support this presidency despite the horrific scenarios that continue to unfold. To get her ahead of the game and save her some much needed time, I’ve come up with some memoir titles I think get to the heart of her campaign’s strategy.

ADVERTISEMENT


untitled

She Made A Hat

Led Him By The Pussy

Gaslights, Camera, Action

Adorable Deplorable

Blend In The Clown

Race Bait And Switch: The ConWay

Are You There, White American Jesus? It’s Me, Kellyanne

The Emails

Ghosting In Real Time

Enabling The Racist In You

Women Are Bad And I’m No Exception

Dog Whistle While I Worked

Dead Eyes, Black Heart, Can’t Lose

Appealing To Your Shitty Co-Worker

Scream And Shout

Guns, Gays And Glory

For example, Ronald Reagan

Divided We Stand United We Wall

Late Term To Full Term

Grab Them By The Hijab

Morally Bankrupt

Nightmare Person

Today, Satan

I’m Not Alt-Right And Neither Are You


Just a quick list that I hope is helpful, Kellyanne Conway, and do check back in as I’m sure there will be more suggestions in the comments. See you in hell also!

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 207 articles for us.

31 Comments

  1. Blend in the Clown is such subterfuge genius because it refers to her work to blend a caterpillar sludge demon into a viable candidate, an “every man,” and then to normalize all his positions and practices, but also about how his orange clown makeup is problematic and requires blending.

    I’m in awe, Erin.

  2. I don’t have an A+ account right now so I can’t comment on the relevant post, but someone tell Riese that the Starbucks app lets you pay with the app instead of having to carry around giftcards or any other method of payment. You can also see how many points you’ve collected, search for Starbucks locations, etc. I also don’t use the app or go to Starbucks except for when they give me a free drink on my birthday so I don’t know why I care so much about spreading word of this app. It’s probably because my phone doesn’t have a lot of space and I’m really passionate about not having an app for everything, but I also have to admit that the Starbucks app could be useful if you went to Starbucks a lot.

  3. Undermining Women’s Rights: How to Ingratiate Yourself to the Patriarchy

    Fifty Shades of Orange

    Beneath the Veneer

    How to Lose a Country in Ten Days

    It’s Not Me, It’s You: Accepting Trump’s Behavior

    I Fought the Law and I Won

    The Orange, the Bleached, and the Uglier: How to Categorize Women

  4. Wow!! Glad you are part of the “love, tolerance and inclusivity” movement. Wait… is that only if one agrees with your point of view?
    Oh why can’t I love and tolerate like you and the many people that have left comments?

Contribute to the conversation...

You must be logged in to post a comment.