An article came out last week applauding Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway for being the first woman to run a “successful presidential campaign,” which is certainly one way to use words to describe something. To be honest I could have done without this particular glass ceiling being shattered, but this must be major news for someone who I assume references themselves in third person. “Congratulations, Kellyanne Conway,” the aforementioned article headline reads, and also happens to be what Kellyanne Conway says aloud to herself every time she throws a skeeball, even if it goes in the gutter area.
One for the history books, I’m sure. But, of course, you’ve not been sewn into America’s quilt until you’ve written a memoir. And now that the campaign’s run its course, Kellyanne should have nothing but time to give the people what they want.
Except, oops, nope, Trump has no idea how to be president, is reeling from the “scope” of it all, and needs extra training before taking office in literally two months. Sure. Fine. It’s fine. That’s fine.
If you’ve ever tried to tutor the rich white kid, you know how quickly they revert to Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer, which means Kellyanne and her team are going to have their hands full for awhile.
So, I’m here to help Kellyanne. After all we’ve been told it’s our civic duty as Americans to support this presidency despite the horrific scenarios that continue to unfold. To get her ahead of the game and save her some much needed time, I’ve come up with some memoir titles I think get to the heart of her campaign’s strategy.
She Made A Hat
Led Him By The Pussy
Gaslights, Camera, Action
Adorable Deplorable
Blend In The Clown
Race Bait And Switch: The ConWay
Are You There, White American Jesus? It’s Me, Kellyanne
The Emails
Ghosting In Real Time
Enabling The Racist In You
Women Are Bad And I’m No Exception
Dog Whistle While I Worked
Dead Eyes, Black Heart, Can’t Lose
Appealing To Your Shitty Co-Worker
Scream And Shout
Guns, Gays And Glory
For example, Ronald Reagan
Divided We Stand United We Wall
Late Term To Full Term
Grab Them By The Hijab
Morally Bankrupt
Nightmare Person
Today, Satan
I’m Not Alt-Right And Neither Are You
Just a quick list that I hope is helpful, Kellyanne Conway, and do check back in as I’m sure there will be more suggestions in the comments. See you in hell also!
Led Him By The Pussy
Today, Satan
Enabling The Racist In You
my personal favorites
thank you for your service to this country and world, truly
she made a hat
i see you
“today, satan” seems appropriate though
I just spit water on my work keyboard and I have water in my nose. Thank you for that. This list is amazing.
I was really shocked by this particular title: “Guns, Gays and Glory”
because I am a firm believer in the Oxford comma. Please fix.
It goes well with my article title: Swords, Satan and Sexuality!
I too believe the Oxford comma should never be optional. BUT, the way it’s written, Gays and Glory are a pair, which is not a bad thing.
Are You There, White American Jesus? It’s Me, Kellyanne
Holy f-ing god! I could not stop laughing.
Blend in the Clown is such subterfuge genius because it refers to her work to blend a caterpillar sludge demon into a viable candidate, an “every man,” and then to normalize all his positions and practices, but also about how his orange clown makeup is problematic and requires blending.
I’m in awe, Erin.
here for these sondheim references
tbh this is one of those articles where you intend to copy/paste your favorite line in a comment but then realize that the entire thing is your favorite line
Too much good stuff.
Brilliant work, as usual. So inspired
A+!!!
10/10
Another good title:
I’m a woman who doesn’t support the rights of women: Here’s how you can too.
been waiting alllllll week for an Erin article <3
1. Profiles in Pressured Speech
2. How Blonde Was My Valley
I love you
Blonde Hair, Dead Eyes: Making It in Trump’s America, coauthored by Kellyanne Conway and Ann Coulter
Undermining Women’s Rights: How to Ingratiate Yourself to the Patriarchy
Fifty Shades of Orange
Beneath the Veneer
How to Lose a Country in Ten Days
It’s Not Me, It’s You: Accepting Trump’s Behavior
I Fought the Law and I Won
The Orange, the Bleached, and the Uglier: How to Categorize Women
Someone contact McSweeney’s and get this post on the Lists column.
This may have been the highlight of my week. Thank you for this. We needed it.
Would buy all of these titles if they were ghost written by Erin
Making America’s Children Cry: A Presidential Campaign Story
How to Elect the Unqualified
White, Orange, and Blonde: A (Not So) New Vision for America
Wow!! Glad you are part of the “love, tolerance and inclusivity” movement. Wait… is that only if one agrees with your point of view?
Oh why can’t I love and tolerate like you and the many people that have left comments?
“Love me and my bigotry!”
Yeah… doesn’t work that way. Bigotry gets mocked.
so like did you not relate to these or what
ilu
What about: Introvert With Extrovert Tendencies…Or Where I Go When The Party’s Over