Haters Are Fake News: More Internet Haikus

three jumping gray dots
what mysteries do you hold
i hope they’re gentle

they’re doing the wave
gray dots are working the crowd
they can feel your ache

red encircled white number
your ten-year-old face

another alert
blue encircled white number
one-forty well done

pulsating red rings
there’s no one new around you
it’s time for a move

green circle we’re live
gray circle we’ve gone absent
what’s outside feel like

colors, numbers, shapes
they’re still keeping us engaged
forever children

iconic duo:
your ex and netflix account
real love never dies

when you hide their posts
then find out they’ve unfriended
*white guy blinking gif*

comforting to know
‘hey girl’ memes are still around
some things go untouched

george takei the brand
dictating what goes viral
taste of real power

moms love george takei
teenagers love george takei
man of the people

“first post in a while”
that new instagram alert
feels like a soft neg

saddest short story
a blinking pizza tracker
modern baby shoes

it’s gonna be may
will never not be funny
haters are fake news

sometimes i’ll right swipe
based on instagram handle
there’s power in names

where’s our mallory
has she left us forever
i’m cold and afraid

re: digital ads
what is glossier’s budget
like three trillion or

“closing the orgasm gap”
y’all wild for this one

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!


Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.


  1. Wherever Mallory Ortberg is, I hope she’s checking in with Roxane Gay on a regular basis.


      I know there’s a toastie slack but I don’t understand new internet stuff and it’s not the saaaaame

    • I stumbled across some FB page a while back that posts funny art history memes and I got so mad because YOU CAN’T EVEN COME CLOSE, YOU BASTARDS

    • ok i have a question regarding Dear Prudence bc when Emily Yoffe was doing it i could never decide if it was a satirical column or not, but now that mallory is doing it it actually seems somewhat sane?? how did the internet become so difficult to navigate

      • I feel like at first Mallory Ortberg’s Dear Prudence was really snarky? But it quickly mellowed out and now she seems to be using the column to provide genuine advice.

    • i just remembered that was a thing this week and have been binge-ing the dear prudence podcast has made my week 500% better would recommend

    • She also quoted from Star Trek TNG a couple of weeks ago and I couldn’t have been happier / crushing harder

      “May this week bring more ‘Temba, his arms wide’ and less ‘Shaka, when the walls fell.’ Let us together be as Darmok and Jalad on the ocean.”

      …still miss The Toast tho… so much.

  2. Those grey dot feels though! And also:

    seen but not replied
    how can one tiny icon
    hold so much power

    • this haiku sums up the past few weeks for my whole friend circle i might have to frame it for us all

  3. OK yeah can someone tell me what OMGYes is? Is it for straight women to learn about how to come and then teach their boyfriends? What is an orgasm gap? Is this 1950 or is sleeping with men just that bad?

Comments are closed.