Bud Light Is the Dykiest Domestic Lager — Change My Mind

I have said it (screamed it, really) before, and I will say it again: Bud Light is for lesbians.

Put another way, Bud Light is the dykiest domestic light lager. Or, in my girlfriend’s words: “Kayla is always trying to make ‘Bud Light lesbians’ a thing.”

Would you like to change my mind? Well, you can’t. Some of my own coworkers attempted to in an act of great betrayal:

laneia: ok but people will try to change your mind bc it’s actually michelob ultra somehow???
nico: yeah but frogs are gay and budweiser has frogs
laneia: the dykes in arizona will behead you for a michelob ultra and i don’t get it but
me: that is the wildest choice to me
well no, coors light would be the wildest
it tastes like beer that has been spilled onto a carpet and then put back into the bottle
nico: everyone here at the gay dives drinks yuengling
carmen: yuengling is delicious, i’m sorry
i buy a case whenever i drive through pa
riese: my favorite beer is whichever beer has no alcohol in it and tastes the most like water
is that bud light
laneia: so michelob ultra then

Someone threw out something called an “I.C. Light,” and all I have to say to that is: I don’t know her. I am also refusing to acknowledge Laneia’s M*chelob Ultr* propaganda.

I have been declaring Bud Light a lesbian beer for many years now, and I am oft-called upon to explain why. Here is some of the evidence I have assembled:

  • Bud Light, especially when extra cold and crispy on draft, tastes the most like drinking a seltzer, and dykes love seltzer.
  • All other American-style light lagers taste bad (and therefore are straight).
  • “Bud” is what every butch dyke I know calls any man who is younger or shorter than her.
  • Bud Light has somehow been a sponsor of every Mainstream Pride™ event I’ve ever been to. Like, not Budweiser, but specifically Bud Light. What’s going on there?
  • In fact, Bud Light has got rainbow capitalism ON LOCK. The rainbow aluminum cans? Perfect Pride photo prop. Exhibit A:
    Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya holds a Bud Light at Pride
  • Every restaurant industry dyke I have ever known loves a Bud Light paired with a shot of fernet.
  • This neon sign I own of a Bud Light logo that is rainbow and also says BE YOURSELF??????? Gay.
    A rainbow Bud Light neon sign that says BE YOURSELF

Alright gays, come and fight me!


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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Miami. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 458 articles for us.

18 Comments

  1. Gonna say American lager style beers maybe are the whole wrong category for lesbians. Even the former bud lite lime diehards that I know have moved on over to the local craft ipa 🍺 up in the northeast. There’s so many delicious ones. And they don’t have to be so cold that you can’t taste them in order to drink. So a slower drinker like me can enjoy the second half as much as the first. 🤷🏻‍♂️

    • i too of course enjoy a nice hoppy ipa and yes support local and all that jazz but when i’m eating like a tray of nachos or a really good burger or a little plastic red basket of mozzarella sticks, am i really reaching for a bell’s two hearted or am i reaching for a bud light???????????? i think u know the answer

      • For me with Bud Light it’s more like, “When I’m painting my [also queer] aunt’s garage with her and it’s hot and the only beer she has is Bud Light, will I drink it vs not having a beer at all?”
        And if the option was Coors, then absolutely not. (I cackled aloud at your description of it, Kayla. “beer that has been spilled onto a carpet and then put back into the bottle” = spot on.)
        If I’m going to suffer a domestic lager, Bud Light is the one I will suffer (I mean, one of my favorite jokes is “How is Bud Light [or Miller Lite, insert domestic lager of your choosing] like having sex in a canoe? It’s fucking near water.”) Which is not to judge anyone else’s preferences – we all like what we like – but for me, I’d rather have a plain seltzer water to get my bubbles than drink most any of the beers in the mass-produced domestic lager category.

  2. Hmmm okay so what’s the argument against Miller Lite? I refuse to believe that Bud Light tastes better than Miller Lite and the Bud Light can design is so dorky. Miller Lite is simple. Refreshing. Gets the job done. That is the kind of dyke I aspire to be!

  3. Wait, my straight female friends in Arizona also love Michelob Ultra. Is it an Arizona thing?? As a former Arizonan, I must know the origins of this.

    I love a lager but it has to Mexican or Japanese style. I live in a good craft beer town so I try to support local which also feels pretty dykie.

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