I have said it (screamed it, really) before, and I will say it again: Bud Light is for lesbians.
Put another way, Bud Light is the dykiest domestic light lager. Or, in my girlfriend’s words: “Kayla is always trying to make ‘Bud Light lesbians’ a thing.”
Would you like to change my mind? Well, you can’t. Some of my own coworkers attempted to in an act of great betrayal:
laneia: ok but people will try to change your mind bc it’s actually michelob ultra somehow???
nico: yeah but frogs are gay and budweiser has frogs
laneia: the dykes in arizona will behead you for a michelob ultra and i don’t get it but
me: that is the wildest choice to me
well no, coors light would be the wildest
it tastes like beer that has been spilled onto a carpet and then put back into the bottle
nico: everyone here at the gay dives drinks yuengling
carmen: yuengling is delicious, i’m sorry
i buy a case whenever i drive through pa
riese: my favorite beer is whichever beer has no alcohol in it and tastes the most like water
is that bud light
laneia: so michelob ultra then
Someone threw out something called an “I.C. Light,” and all I have to say to that is: I don’t know her. I am also refusing to acknowledge Laneia’s M*chelob Ultr* propaganda.
I have been declaring Bud Light a lesbian beer for many years now, and I am oft-called upon to explain why. Here is some of the evidence I have assembled:
- Bud Light, especially when extra cold and crispy on draft, tastes the most like drinking a seltzer, and dykes love seltzer.
- All other American-style light lagers taste bad (and therefore are straight).
- “Bud” is what every butch dyke I know calls any man who is younger or shorter than her.
- Bud Light has somehow been a sponsor of every Mainstream Pride™ event I’ve ever been to. Like, not Budweiser, but specifically Bud Light. What’s going on there?
- In fact, Bud Light has got rainbow capitalism ON LOCK. The rainbow aluminum cans? Perfect Pride photo prop. Exhibit A:
- Every restaurant industry dyke I have ever known loves a Bud Light paired with a shot of fernet.
- This neon sign I own of a Bud Light logo that is rainbow and also says BE YOURSELF??????? Gay.
Alright gays, come and fight me!