Happy 4/20! I Got Extremely High and Watched Elena Undone, the Worst Lesbian Movie

I tried to time this out so my laundry was done and I could put the bedding on before I was high and starting Elena Undone, but I didn’t time it right so now I am high and since I ate a whole edible when I usually have half I’m worried if I wait until my bedding is done I will be too high to write this so I’m starting this movie now.

I love a movie that starts off with voiceover about love. Always a great sign.

I want Nicole Conn to know that I know making movies is hard and I’m really glad she gets to do her thing and —

Wait who is this voiceover man and why is he talking directly into the camera. Is this a documentary??

Wait sorry I’m really glad she does what she does and it’s a lot of people’s thing and I love that for them and when I say this movie is bad, I’m sorry.

The man is talking to me again. Who is he….

“YOU KNOW I HEARD SOMEONE MIGHT BE OVULATING THIS MORNING.” The way this pastor said those words. He didn’t yell them. The caps is my emphasis but oh my.

Slo-mo, slo music straight sex montageeee.

I don’t think this pastor’s wife is very happy. Nor this lesbian swimmer (??) Omg it’s been so long since I went swimming?? I want to go swimming. It’s almost summer. I’m like tearing up thinking about —

The mean church lady is an incredible performance. Camp. She’s ranting about gay people and it is beautiful.

Laundry done !!! Shit. Should I do my bedding or wait… Okay I’m pausing one moment.

Oof okay. Future me will be happy that I at least made my bed.

I need to shazam this song, ok it’s “Something Better” by Ashley Matte. I’m not sure about this pastor. Seems like not a good husband.

The voiceover man is back !!! Is this God? Is this supposed to be God? The voiceover man unsettles me.

This is really intense… are these… real people??

Oh voiceover man is kissing someone now. I’m so confused. Who is voiceover man. WHO.

Wait now voiceover man is talking to pastor’s wife? They know each other?? Seeing voiceover man in regular scenes feels so unsettling.

[Oh! I haven’t seen this movie before. That’s worth noting. That’s the whole thing.]

The ladies are chatting!!

Fuck it’s on Tubi so I have ads… oo I’m gonna get snacks! Sweet potato crackers. Cookies. Sour peach gummies.

Wait how many of these actors are British?

The actor who plays the pastor looks like if Tom Cruise had a brother who played football.

Voiceover man is back. What I’ve gathered is he’s a friend of the pastor’s wife from college, he was in film school. Now he’s like a gay motivational speaker.

I still find it unsettling to see voiceover man walking around in the world.

They’re eye fucking! Like they’re staring at each other, not eye socket fucking.

“I voted no on prop 8” wow. A moment in time. We really lost that one. lol

Pastor’s wife is named Elena. This makes sense.

Why do they want more kids when they have these teenagers?

Ooo she’s going to bring her portfolio over. These photos !!!! Her photos. Hahahahahaha

This is starting to feel pretty gay, Elena.

The love interest is named Peyton but I looked on IMDb and the actor’s name is Thunderbird Dinwiddie??? That’s the best name ever !!

They’re just drinking wine on this couch. I feel like I’m watching a one-on-one on The Bachelor.

Voiceover man is back to being voiceover man!

Elena Undone, what are you doing?? Oh wait that’s not her last name, that’s just the title haha

This photoshoot is reminding me of Gia. Gia is great movie. I wish I was watching Gia. I’ve been thinking of doing an Angelina Jolie binge. I haven’t seen Hackers or Salt or some others.

Elena’s daughter. What a weird scene. Who is she supposed to be.

Wait are her kids dating?? I’m so confused. Why are her kids dating ????? I’m so confused. This is unpleasant.

I do believe these women are gay. I will give the movie that.

Tubi ads. This anti-shingles vaccine ad is so intense.

I do NOT like the pastor. I just remember their kids are dating wtf wtf. The kids are screaming.

Voiceover man. My gay friend.

This montage is so intense. She took her headshots? She is a headshot photographer. Good business.

THEY KISSED. FINALLY. This is bringing up memories from when I was in middle school and would search “girls kissing” on YouTube. This is hot. Okay wow needle drop. This is why the movie exists. I do sort of wonder like why not just watch porn…? You know like seems easier?

Wait was that song written for the movie??? Haha

She’s getting off on her husband’s sermon!

There is a fun sort of edging quality to how much plot we had to get through to see boobs. The visible cross necklace is a nice touch.

They have the exact same hair styles. I am unfortunately turned on.

Noooo. Voiceover man. Killing the vibe. He is so excited. I would be too. Imagine you’re gay and have a friend who is a pastor’s wife — and you just like have to excuse her asshole husband — and then suddenly she tells you she’s actually gay. Next level.

Every time I’m reminded these fucking kids are dating!! I just know when this post goes up, someone is going to point out something really obvious like they are not dating or they are not related — but it seems like they are siblings and dating!

Okay phew back to sex. Elena is getting toppy! Good for her!

Hmm I think if you’re having sex with a married woman you don’t get to be possessive of her. In general, I’m very against possessiveness, but especially in that scenario.

“When you came after me, everyone thought I was a goober. You didn’t care,” said through tears. Incredible writing.

I still do not like this pastor. So many montages. This purity thing is weird. This film feels really religious even though it’s against religion.

I’m not very into this kid drama. I guess the boy is their kid and the girl is just the kid’s girlfriend? That would make more sense…

I just remembered that Elena and Peyton met at an adoption agency.

Every time it cuts to Voiceover man and the interviews I’m surprised. Now I know these interviews are fake though because of this awful Dissociative Identity Disorder one.

The nosy homophobe is back!! I missed her.

I don’t understand the drama happening now. I think Peyton should give Elena some time.

I forgot about the flashbacks. Her mom tells her that love is about disappointment, oh God that’s awful. I think love is about possibilities!!

Voiceover man at it again.

Their friends pulled a Parent Trap only for Peyton to yell?? I don’t understand what Elena did wrong. She left her husband! Possessiveness. Peyton is bad news.

Voiceover man impregnated her !! Wow that’s really stepping into the story.

That’s it?? Well, we did it. Good job Nicole Conn, good job my fingers for still typing.

I did not like this film.


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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is an LA-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. Her writing can be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Thrillist, I Heart Female Directors, and, of course, Autostraddle. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about trans lesbians. Find her on Twitter and Instagram @draw_gregory.

Drew Burnett has written 313 articles for us.

37 Comments

  1. I hate to say it, but I love the movies of Nicole Conn, especially “Claire of the Moon.” I hate cheese, camp and sass in my love stories and I know that is find in abundance in her films, but she has a pretty winning formula that gets to me every time.

  2. I haven’t read this yet, but I just immediately had flashbacks to them like having sex on a futon or something? Or like a fainting couch? With terrible background music and the camera was like spinning around them or something?

    Boy, that movie is truly terrible.

    • I just need someone to tell me whether or not they had sex in the sunroom, because I feel like they did but I genuinely cannot remember.

      Also I should make my wife watch this. She will be appalled.

  3. This was great! I saw this movie before I knew autostraddle existed, so I didn’t know it was terrible until half way through it. Maybe watching it with friends high & taking easy shots(cider or wine) when it gets cheesy or awful happens/said would make it more fun.

  4. Way more entertaining review than the movie.

    While this one is terrible(!!!) try to find bargirls someday. I saw it in the mid-90s and it is still the worst movie I’ve ever seen. It made me angry at lesbian cinema for awhile.

  5. I am still waiting for Autostraddle to track down Nicole Conn for an in-depth interview, as she is an important part of our heritage, and many questions remain about just what was going on in her films. Perhaps Drew, Riese, and Erin could make a day of it.

  6. This was leaps and bounds better than Claire of the Moon which was what we had to watch in my day. What was that other one with the preacher’s wife and the circus girl Petra? That was a hot one but still not good.

    • When night is falling! still has the best line ever “I want to see you in the moonlight with your head thrown back and your body on fire” me and some friends used to greet each other with that.

      Also, had those cool whiskey glasses, I searched years till I found something similar!

      It’s not a great movie, but was weird and entertaining and if you can find the Canadian version and not the US one, it’s way hotter.

  7. I loved this review. I wish Drew would review and rank all the Nicole Conn movies. I think that ‘A Perfect Ending’ is worse than this one though, and I still find that Claire of the Moon is the ‘best’ one. I also really appreciated you saying that she does her thing and lots of people like it. I am very impressed at her dedication to getting her films made, even though I don’t like them myself. But I still watch all of them, I can’t help it. Her movies are irresistible in their own way.

  8. You have to understand…this was like one of the only movies we had. This was it and it was better….well no..actually it wasn’t..it was was bad, but it was ours (?)…. BUT Elena was on NCIS New Orleans (the first NCIS to have an opening out lady character) and I watched her on that??? This is a ramble.

  9. Totally loved this review. Lesbian movies were so awful back in the day. It was like you came out and suddenly found yourself with nothing but harlequin romance novels to watch.

    I can’t remember which one it was, but I swear one of them based the looks of the characters on Monica & Rachel from Friends, but with awful dialogue.

  10. Loved it with all it’s flaws! Thanks Nicole. It was cheesy and melodramatic in spots and kinda real in others (I’ve seen the discussion with the son play out). The seduction, perfect. I’ll watch it again, laugh a lot and swoon and little.

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