But no one goes on dates anymore so who gives a shit? Listen, I like the word date. It points to something old-fashioned, super dreamy and evokes major swoons from my round brown belly.
I didn’t go on an actual date until I was 21 years old. This hard femme tropical storm puffed out her chest, shoulders straight back and with a super huge grin on her face, looked me in the eyes and said, “Hey, I want to do a thing with you. Will you do this thing with me, please?” The earth gave out under me as I answered, “OHMYGD, yes!” The difference between an intentional request for your presence and a vague text message about going to do a thing a lot of other people are going to too so it really doesn’t matter if you show up because the person who invited you will be surrounded by everyone they know, is huge — like Sabado Gigante huge. Ever since that first time, I’ve been a sucker for going on actual, bonafide, True Life: motherf*cking dates. They happen and will happen forever, fuck the internet. We can’t let the patriarchy and technology and the systematic oppression of all our souls steal the beautiful, simple joy of going on a date.
But I’m not so love-delusioned that I can sit here and say that all dates are good dates. Once upon a time, I wrote a post about some things maybe not to do on a queer lady date. The suggestions in that piece came from going out intentionally with a bunch of different people aka going on mad dates. From those very special moments, I answered the following:
HOW DO YOU END A BAD DATE?
Should I just go to the bathroom and never come out? Should I fake a heart attack? Tell them I got my period and it’s just such a beautiful MESS that I need to stop and worship? Maybe my super just texted me and I’m getting evicted because of feral cats. etc. I started keeping a mostly non-literal list of how to peace the f*ck out. I share list with you sweet, weirdos.
Crying is the most sure fire way to end a date. Srsly, your date will probs jump up from the table and run faster than you can say, “I’m still not over my ex.” But let’s say your date is a super queer, a gentle-weirdo from the land of chivalry and this human offers you a tissue and a back rub and somehow you’re still not feelin’ it. What then? WHAT THEN? That’s when you throw in some nose-blowing, push out some more tears, and come up with an excuse that doesn’t make sense. Here are some examples:
- “I’m sorry, Wednesdays are just really hard for me.”
- “You know I don’t normally cry on dates. I just like feel so overwhelmed by the beauty of the universe and like how shiny the forks on this table are and your face reminds me of a dream I had once when I was a kid about angels and those angels were in an outfield, and want to feel my heart beat?”
- Explain nothing and see how long it takes them to bounce while you sip more wine to keep the tears flowing.
4. Fake An Allergic Reaction
I originally had a few bullet points of specific ways to fake an allergy. But then I started feeling guilty and weird, like what if someone took my suggestions too far and they died and then it would be my fault and insert crazy amounts of New York Puerto Rican Anxiety and boom you have this sentence. Also, I have a wicked shellfish allergy so I know how real parts of the allergy-struggle are and feel.
But still tho, an allergic reaction is the Get Out of Jail Free card for a wak ass date. Here are some Google search terms from my original allergy-faking content: all the hot sauce, niacin thrush, how to travel with lobster tails, make myself sweat, Visine, and Mr. Softee food poisoning.
3. Plan Ahead
My straight homegirls talk about their pre-date plans all the time. “Girl, I’ll text you once I’m on the date and then like 20 minutes later call me. If it’s going good, I won’t pick up. If it’s going bad, I will. I’ll tell him my cousin’s giving birth and I’m the godmother. So I gotta go.”
This might sound like a plot-line from some wak ass sitcom but I’ve heard the stories; it seems to work. But, planning ahead isn’t just for zany teevee shows or straight girls — we can do it too. When in doubt, get a friend to text/call your phone, answer it, and then tell the person across from you that things with your pet guinea pig, Lady Marmalade, have taken a turn for the worst. It’s now or never if you want to have final words with her, the one true lady in your life. Then bolt. This Fake Me Outta Here app might even help if no one will help you stoop so low.
2. Pull Up Your Big Queer Panties and Own Your Exit
It doesn’t matter if you’re chilln together on a couch, eating at a pizza shop in the Bronx, protesting with a social justice organization in Oakland, or on a “we’re going on a date but it’s not a date” date — you must own your exit.
Polite is good for people’s grandma’s, accidentally walking into a wedding procession, and when encountering an awesomely ugly baby, but being polite as a way to not be legit with someone is no bueno. If you’re not interested because you don’t find someone attractive, keep that to yourself but if someone is being rude/sexist/racist and all the other things that offend your good-natured love of the world: feel free to let it out. Someone’s trying to school you on white privilege because they’re white and obvs know best: put that shit in check. Someone’s trying to tell you that “fat chicks” just aren’t as attractive as other people: shut that sh*t down. And so on.
This isn’t even just about first dates or meeting up with someone you don’t know, there are totally moments with people who seemed fine like four weeks ago and are now just totally killing your vibe. Don’t have a reality TV moment, going all “prostitution whore” flipping tables and whatnot, but speak your truth. Trust, not every foxy loverboi is gonna have the same politics as you do and you’d be surprised or probs not surprised how easy it is to become entangled with an asshole.
1. Just Sit Your Ass Down and Stay Right Where You Are
Wait, but what about “owning your exit?” Word, so that’s for extreme situations.
But for the most part, like when someone is just not your style or something equally as whatever, sitting, eating, and nodding is just fine. The more I head out into the world to see people, the more I realize how much time and effort it actually takes, especially in NYC, just to chill. Someone hauled their ass from an outer borough or from the comfort of their very own weirdo-cave to see you. Sit your ass down, give them the respect they deserve and listen to stories about how they love taking shots of Henny, look at 58 thousand IG pics of them and their cat/dog/ferret. Do not get wasted. Everyone deserves at least an hour for showing up.
Power through on the strength of what’s good for the karma of the universe and keep your eyes on the prize. In this case the prize might be a half-eaten pint of Half Baked ice cream or the last 4 episodes of Broad City, you can make it!
Bonus: Always give your dates an end time that all parties are aware of. Lingering dates are on some bullshit unless everything is magical. Again this is for an actual date, anything super casual or mad whatever, is pretty much an Engage at Your Own Risk type of thing, boo.
Tell me things. Make me laugh. Give me and the world more ridiculous tips. Share all of the knowledge. All of it. I love you all times eight million thousand infinity.