Listicle: Some Things to Maybe Not Do on a Queer Lady Date

Dating is weird. It’s this made up world where people push themselves into intentionally awkward situations all for the sake of doing a thing with someone else. I’m not sure if it’s a testament to the fear of being alone or unwavering devotion to the possibility of love. Probably those are the same thing or at least first cousins. God cousins even.

I’ve never really dated before. In college I was a wreck, crushing on straight girls, so shocked that people were attracted to me. It was more like “I like you. I still like you. Please like me back. Ok, now we’re a couple.” Couple hard for awhile then lose interest, then find heart beating faster than eyes can blink because some girl just walked into class and where am I again?

I’ve got some time these days. I’m a little passed feeling wrecked. My bounce is back. Dating should be psshhh whatever. And I mean, c’mon, who better to date than queer women? No one, obvs. Best conversations. We’re going to discuss all of the intersectionalities, ALL OF THEM. We’ll skip, holding hands down 7th avenue privilege-checking people and then have brunch with Beyoncé ’cause that’s what power queermos do. We’ll have consensual, polyamorous conversations while slow grinding to Peaches at a crowded house party in Brooklyn. That’s what dating is like in NYC because there are so many of us! Every single date I go on will be like The L Word, The Real L Word and one night at Aqua Girl.

Or if not all of those things, then just pieces of the best of those moments.

Mostly, I wondered what dating looks like under mostly normal circumstances, what it’d look like for me. It’s one thing to be a fresca on black-lit dance floors making out with a warm body and another to have to look some poor schmuck in the eye and tell them things about myself.

So dates. Dating requires a good amount of “fuck it.” At least it does for me, so I imagine that anyone going on a date with me must have a handle on being socially brave. Maybe I’ve confused bravery for insanity.

Things queer women have done on dates with me that I don’t understand but that seem to be part of the protocol:

1. Made their cat a focal point of the conversation for longer than 5 minutes, more like 35 minutes, so many minutes that I remember the cat’s name and not the person’s. I thought this part of the lesbian joke book was a throwback to simpler times, times when lesbians only talked about cats. This situation was super real. I sat there eating some fucking panini type thing (because what else do people eat on dates in the early evening in NYC?) and wondering how this was my life.

This is the only cat I care about.

This is the only cat I care about.

1a. Think I give a fuck about their cat on a first date. Maybe you’re weeding people out, maybe if you see the person you’re on a date with not care about your cat then it’s like “f*ck that cat hater. On to the next.” Cool, I’m down with that. Weed me out, girl. But damn, keep it to a minimum. Hold back from going into detail about your cat’s emotions and favorite treats. Refrain from saying something like “Señor Sniffles gets mad when people sit next to me. I make everyone give him the treats that make him feel comfortable and no one can talk in loud voices around him when’s sad.” WTF, yo.

2. Talk about your friends the whole time, as if you’re the only one who has friends, as if I care about the personal joke you’re explaining to me while we’re on this date. We’re on a date. Like a first or second date and I still don’t even care about your cat.

Note: Maybe I suck and maybe these individuals have been wrist deep in conversation with me and been like ‘This chick is corny, let me talk about myself.’ Ok, fine, it’s whatever. It could be me but damn, excuse yourself from the date. Least then I can go home, soak my feets in some epsom salt and smoke a cigar.

3. Ask me a question about myself, let me get one line out and then continue to just talk about yourself. Oohh, girl, this is my least favorite thing. Why even ask what I do for a living if you’re just going to jump on my words and dive into monologue number four? Why bother attempting to include me? Maybe nerves and or other things. Maybe just take a deep breath and be quiet for a second. That’s usually a really good thing to do.

Dimelo que?

Dimelo que?

4. Assume there’s going to be a next date. And I don’t mean the geeky cute moment when you’ve clicked with someone and hope maybe there’s a next date. I mean when the date is wonky, the vibe’s been off and that’s the moment the person across from me decides to tell me when and where our next date will be. Oh, word?

5. Talk about exes in a detailed way and/or tell the story of how ya’ll broke up. Why are we still doing this? I don’t want to know. Not yet, later yes, but not on dates 1, 2, or 3. The most I need to know is your official relationship status. And I don’t even want the details of that. Give me short n sweet. Married? Single? Boo-ed up? Open, primary, living with a partner? A current partner is of way more interest to me than someone you used to know.

6. Talk to me about ‘ethnic things’ when that ain’t your world. Please don’t use our date as an opportunity to tell me everything you know about women of color and our lives wrought with oppression.

6b. Speak using language that is not part of your culture or upbringing in order to connect with me. Don’t call me ‘hunty’ or ‘my dude’ or ask me what the 411 is if that isn’t how you’d talk to any of your other friends. Authenticity is like the best thing both of us could bring to this date. I won’t hood check anyone. It’s all gotta add up. This isn’t a racism thing. This is a keep it 1000 thing.

But you know, no one’s perfect. For instance:

Things I’ve done on dates with queer women that were probably terrible:

1. Bolted. Date’s not going well? Check please. I’m out. Nice knowing ya. Nah, I’m fine. Talk to you later.

Oh hell no, gotta go.

Oh hell no, gotta go.

2. Never contacted them again. I don’t have the guts to tell someone why I didn’t like the date. Accusing someone of sucking isn’t my job. I wouldn’t want someone to be like “Gabby, the date sucked because of your wheezy laugh, and interest in discussing unicorns, zombies and the possibility of all of us being a dust speck on a flower held by an elephant.” Aw, don’t tell me that. I won’t tell you something like that. I’m much better at ghosting.

3. Went in feeling like they should impress me. Ahh. Yeah, what the fuck is that about? I think I just wanted to be swept away by someone’s energy. That goes beyond dating, I want everyone around me to be f*cking brilliant and impressive. I want to be humbled by other people and in awe of their awesome. It’s not a fair attitude to step with especially when it comes from me being a jerk sometimes.

4. Getting too comfortable with my queen. Apologies to the chica who had to endure a reenactment of my favorite scene from Glitter.

Can we take a moment to look at Da Brat's face?

Can we take a moment to look at Da Brat’s face?

5. Told my friends where the date was and chilled with them instead. The girl ordered herself food and then left. And man, I feel like a horse’s ass sharing that one. Jeezus.

6. Thought about someone else the whole time. I could have saved us both time and money by keeping it 1000.

When it comes to dating, I hold these truths to be self evident:

– Butterflies should lead the way

– Know when to say goodnight

– Share only what is mine

– Sometimes it’s better to read a book instead of going on a date

Or find someone to do both at the same time

Or find someone to do both with at the same time

Originally published on Republished WITH PERMISSION MOTHERF*CKERS.

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Gabrielle Rivera is an awesomely queer Bronx bred, writer, spoken word artist and director. Her short stories and poems have been published in various anthologies such as the Lambda Award winning Portland Queer: Tales from the Rose City and The Best of Panic! En Vivo from the East Village. Her short film "Spanish Girls are Beautiful" follows a group of young Latina and Caucasian girls who like girls as they hook up, smoke up and try to figure sh*t out. She also freelances for while working in the film and television industry. Gabrielle is currently working on her first novel while bouncing around NYC performing spoken word and trying to stick it to the man.

gabby has written 102 articles for us.


  1. Ooph. Definitely been guilty about talking about the cat for too long. And bolting. And never replying when I didn’t want to tell someone why I wasn’t interested in a second date.

    Also, can we make a club that involves sitting around, smoking cigars and soaking our feet in epsom salt?

  2. Probably my worst date ever was a 3-hour nº5 about her ex boyfriend-still close friend and how he was totally still in love with her. She was also going to move back with him cause her rent was too expensive and so she could only afford living at his place. The entire conversation was monopolized by her ex and how he is fucked up, but awesome at the same time. I still don’t understand what she was trying to achieve with that, but the next day she was texting like she wanted to meet again. That didn’t happen.

    I’m guilty of this as well: “I want to be humbled by other people and in awe of their awesome. ” – I feel like because I’ve felt that way before I expect it to happen again, but then it just doesn’t, and when it does I kinda wanna immediately befriend those people, not necessarily date them.

    Anyway, I generally share your feelings on dates. They’re awkward and feel forced and sometimes I wonder what’s the point, but I guess it’s kind of the only way to have conversations with people. I like to talk.

    • I once had a date where she only talked about how much she was in love with her best friend “…but I really like you too! It’s just that she’s so amazing and I would marry her tomorrow if she asked and blah blah blah”. WHY.

      • That happened to me recently! This girl I was on a date with (and really into, at the start) got to talking about how she thought her boss was the hottest power-suit lesbian everrr, and she wanted to make out with her in her office and la-la-la. I don’t understand how someone wouldn’t realize that this might make the person they’re on a DATE with feel uncomfortable and/or very insignificant.

        • Sometimes in such dating situations it can seem like the other person just wants a random sounding board to talk out / about their various obsessions because their friends weren’t available at the time.

      • haha, i really don’t know. Maybe she was so in love she didn’t even realize how her first-date approach with you was going to make it a last-date situation.

  3. Seriously, number 6 (on both sides, honestly). But seriously, people in general who throw on their “black voice” when they talk to me make me feel awkward. I don’t even talk like that! Boo that.

    I enjoyed this. Reflecting on my past dating experiences I think I’ve managed to butcher a couple of these though. :P

    • oh god, that HAPPENS? *shudder*

      I hope I never do that. I have this thing where I unconsciously match people’s vocal patterns but that’s not even the case in your situation I JUST DON’T GET THIS. People suck sometimes.

      (I know it sounds weird but it’s an actual thing I can’t help. I watched the Notebook and sounded Southern for two days. my default is nobody can tell where I’m from but I sound a tidge like David Attenborough’s queer grandbaby).

      • I feel your pain. I pick up just enough of a person’s expressions that it sounds like I might be imitating them. This is particularly awkward in a foreign country.

        • I do it unintentionally ALL of the time.
          There’s a British girl at work; and whenever I see her walk into the room, I start talking like a Southern Fairy.

          I think it’s because I want to get into her pants.

      • My father and his side of the family live in the south. I sound southern for weeks after a visit, and apparently any time I’m talking to him on the phone (or so I’ve been told).

      • Yes, guilty. I am listening SOCLOSELY that I start mimicking. Totally unintentional and often really badly timed.

  4. Yay! Loved this on your blog, Gabby.

    Sent it to my bestie who said: “I’m glad that what I’m going through is typical queer lady dating problems. I was afraid it was San Diego. Wait, I guess it’s worse that it’s not because of San Diego.”
    and then “That’s it, I’m deactivating my okc.” and then “Maybe the problem is that we’re all just kinda annoying and problematic.”

    Dates make me feel like I’m a kid playing an adult, playing a straight and normal adult who uses a fork and knife the right way.

    But yes, butterflies should lead the way, yes!

    • This article, this comment. I’ll be quoting all of it on my next date. That’s ok, right?

      • can i still talk to you in my Chakeera voice? cuz if that’s cool, then quote away. also, i miss you and love you.

    • “Maybe the problem is that we’re all just kinda annoying and problematic.”

      Story of my life.

  5. #3 was my Monday night. Out of an hour of “conversation”, I got to speak for about five minutes. I guess I was just supposed to bask in her glory and be all, “OMG YOU ARE AMAZING, TELL ME EVEN MORE SHIT I DON’T CARE ABOUT”.

    I hate dating.

    • #3 is how I was once able to tell I was really into somebody. She did it to me twice, three hours apiece, and I thought it was totally charming. I would have wanted to kill anybody else.

      anyway, I call dating lesbian job interviewing. And it’s very brutal. If there’s a phone pre-screening I don’t even make it out of that 80% of the time.

  6. I hate dating. I am so, so bad at it.

    I’d have to say one of my biggest pet peeves is after a date that never ends, which was partly good, partly super awkward, the other person assumes you’re going to home with her. EXCUSE ME?!

  7. oh man… i’ve been so guilty of no.5 on so many past dates (particularly between the ages of 22 and 25). I wish i could go back in time and tell myself to STOP GOING ON DATES WITH PEOPLE IM NOT ATTRACTED TO.
    live and learn i guess! now i won’t go on a date until i’m 100% sure that my ex is nowhere in the back of my head. i want to look at pictures of my date’s cat as much as she wants to hear about how my ex and i “are just taking time apart before we can actually be friends.”

    • um yes RT and also that hypothetical description of why the date sucked? i got hypothetical butterflies. is all i’m saying

  8. I am sure you are a lovely person Gabby…but it’s so a good thing we will never meet or go on a date. Your list is funny, but at the same time, I was mildly irritated by it. Maybe because you came across like one of my exes…not your fault, but geez did she have the same attitude.

    I just really think all people, no matter how irritating they are, deserve to be treated with respect and politeness. It really irritates me when I meet someone who thinks I am fucking lucky to be breathing their air. You can just taste it rolling off of them like so much cigarette smoke.

    Also, it’s just not okay not to let someone know it’s not going to happen, especially if they text or call you. Leaving someone hanging is just disrespectful. Grow a pair and say, I’m sorry, I’m not feeling this, you seem nice you are just not for me. I would much rather be told that than to be left hanging. Also, I’ve had to send this text and make this call. It sucks, but it’s gotta be done. Otherwise you are just a jackass.

    Sorry…I just broke up with someone and I opened this list thinking it would be hilarious, but really it just rubbed me the wrong way…so not your fault.

    • i’m sorry you just broke up with someone. i’d totally listen to you talk about your ex and not be a jerk about it. and your cat, if you have/had a cat, i’d look at all the pics and tell you your cat is beautiful.

      also, if someone texts me or asks me a thing, i don’t bail or ignore. i speak as respectfully as possible and do the uncomfortable but right thing. sometimes it’s just hard for me to initiate those conversations.

      person on the internet i don’t know if you were ok with it, i’d totally give you a hug.

    • and don’t you dare forget about the fucking cat. Cats rock and they require a good portion of friggin’ conversation time!

  9. I definitely weed out non-cat people. I have an entire facebook album devoted to my cat (sorry I’m not sorry).

    I’m also probably guilty of talking about my friends too much. Mostly cause I’m nervous(that I’m a boring crazy cat lady) or that my geekiness will take over (and I’ll embarrass myself with Invader Zim references).

    Dating is the worst.

    • I figure if your date doesn’t understand the seriousness of succumbing to a Moosey Fate, there’s not much point. :)

    • On a first date I once told a girl “Your performance kissing was miserable. Your parents will all receive phone calls instructing them to love you less now.” I thought she’d appreciate a reference from a classic cartoon. Yeah…I never saw her again.

      Side note: I like Invader Zim and cats…just saying

    • Real talk about geekiness taking over: I just went on a date where I started dropping Buffy quotes because that’s what I do when I get nervous. This is after learning that she wants to, but has in fact not yet actually watched Buffy. Sometimes I genuinely wonder why people talk to me.

      But we are having a third date! So apparently being as nerdy as I can in someone else’s general direction can sometimes be construed as flirting!

    • I don’t weed out non-rabbit people (because there just aren’t that many rabbit people out there), but I do weed out people, both as dates and potential friends, by their willingness to say stupid things when I tell them that I have rabbits. It is mind boggling the horrible things people will say to me about rabbits. The most common is the horrible, horrible story. This usually involves a pet rabbit they had a child who died horribly, pet rabbits they had as a kid that were allowed to breed uncontrollably (and often died horribly, but what at least abused), or an uncle who raised meat/fur rabbits. Seriously, people tell me these stories all the damn time. Stories that would give me nightmares even if I didn’t have two buns cuddled up under my kitchen table right now. The second one is the rabbit stew/rabbits are delicious/my dog would love to eat your rabbits jokes. These are not funny.

      On the other hand though, if I say, “I have pet bunnies!” and someone immediately says, “I’ve got a theory…”, “Do they have hoppy legs and twitchy little noses?” “So, what IS with all the carrots, what do they need such good eyesight for anyway?”, or “Bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!” I’ll get the U-Haul.

      • OMG best. Combining fave animals and super classic nerdery? Awesome.

        It boggles my mind that people’s fist reaction to “I have a pet rabbit!” is anything but “SERIOUSLY CAN I SEE PICTURES WHAT IS ITS NAME CAN I COME OVER AND SAY HI?!?”

        • <3


          This is what I start shouting whenever anyone tells me that there is something cute and furry/feathery/scaly living in their apartment/house. Most people think I'm a little nutty though.

      • The question is though, would it sound like a book number or more of a breakaway pop sensation? :p

    • HECK YES AMANDA. Also my cat album is labeled “Documenting My Descent into Spinster Cat Lady,” so I feel like I’ve given everyone fair warning. I get worried as a vet med person that my perception of what’s appropriate in terms of talking about animals is not the same as for someone not in vet med. I figure we get the vet med pass, right? LET ME PASS AT SOMETHING, LIFE.

    • What invader zim is freaking awesome!!!! That is a huge non deal breaker : D but yeah dating sucks and at the same time doesnt!

  10. once upon a time i went on a date mostly to prove that i wasn’t a total damaged mess but obviously i was, and it didn’t help that i hadn’t slept in 48 hours b/c of shit involving my ex, and it seemed like maybe my date was actually in the same place as me, because she had all of these ex things to say, and i had all of my ex things to say, and so basically we just walked around the west village telling each other about our exes and then we decided we were both fucked and never communicated again

      • i felt like halfway through the situation we both decided that this would be our one and only meeting and therefore we were permitted to completely spill our guts without fear of recourse

  11. Kinda disappointed by reading 6 and 6b, probably because learning foreign languages, learning about other cultures/countries, and travel are like some of my most favorite things. But maybe the point was that you shouldn’t be fake and try to be someone you’re not I guess? Or is it really just taboo for a white American to talk about anything besides white American stuff? (/sarcasm) Maybe I am just misunderstanding the message here, but the wording of it does sound a bit negative/limiting to be honest.

    Other than that, I think the article was pretty funny; I think it’s hilarious that apparently cats are such an important topic to lesbians. I don’t think I would actually mind having lengthy conversations about my date’s cat, so long as she listens to my stories about my dog, lol! Though the ex thing is a really huge turn off for me. What a huge bummer to be on a date with someone who is thinking about their ex the whole time. I think it’s pretty disrespectful, I don’t want to be someone you’re just using as a rebound or for some crazy revenge/competition drama with your ex. No thanks!

    • I think there’s a difference between pulling out all ten of your “women of color” she-ro trading cards to frame the conversation because you’re on a date with a woman of color in a way that shows you to actually be pretty ignorant (look, you look JUST LIKE this one, right?) and just letting the conversation flow naturally and see what the two of you can actually talk about (which will hopefully include learning about each other and each others’ experiences).

    • I really, really, really dislike it when people try to practice their High School Spanish with me -particularly without asking and just as this thing that happens after I say where I’m from. Like, it’s not even personal, it’s just that that probably has happened to me twice already in that same day (I work in customer service, it happens everyday). I can speak English, let’s stick to that until I fuck it up or you want to play the adorable card by butchering some Spanish *after* we’ve clicked.

      On the other hand, I’ve gone on dates where people accidentally pick up a version of my accent and that is just endearing. Then they get wide-eyed when they realize I can hear that, and then we laugh and then maybe I crush on them a little harder because ridiculous situations make me feel good.

      • About the only thing I took away from HS Spanish class was how to tell Louisa I’m going to the office. Now I’m sorry I didn’t lay that one on you back on Mt. Feelings!

      • I know two impressive sentences in Italian. Two. After I’ve had a couple of shots I whip those phrases out for the nearest, cutest Sicilian/Calabrese/Milanese girl I can find and now realize I am a complete idiot. Mi scusi.

      • AHHH! I majored in Spanish / lived in Spain for two years, and I ALWAYS speak Spanish when I’m on a date with girls who speak both Spanish and English just because I LOVE it. But sometimes I wonder if that could be offensive, or like they might think I am insulting their English abilities. What do you think? Is it annoying?

        • Oh, that’s a good question. I have no idea how you’d respond to this, but one thing to consider: how would it make you feel if you were in Spain and went out on a date with someone who suddenly only spoke in English to you just because they love the language?

          I know I am all about options. So, I think that if you are on a date in the US and it comes up that your date speaks Spanish, your best bet is to ask them if it’s cool if you switch languages for a bit. Not only does that tell them you potentially have something else in common (Spanish) but that you’re thoughtful and good at checking in. Super gentlequeer.

        • Or maybe just throw in a word or a sentence where it fits (you know how a veces something just works better en español?) and follow her lead.

  12. Nice to know that being awful at/totally hating dating is a thing for more people than just me. There are times when I feel like it’s something everybody else gets and I’m standing around wondering why I have no clue what’s going on.

    Also this: “It was more like ‘I like you. I still like you. Please like me back. Ok, now we’re a couple.'”

    YEP. And what that amounts to is zero practice dating, which is clearly a thing that takes some practice. Sigh.

  13. I don’t know. I can’t really do “dates”. Is it wrong that I say, “Hey, I will be having drinks on X at Y, come hang out if you like.” Sometimes they actually show up at Y on X and we drink some and we talk some and if she is interesting and interested in me then maybe we can do it all over again. There are usually other people around, friends and/or acquaintances, that seems to take some of the pressure off for everybody. I do not think I have the dating gene.

  14. Some of this applies to friendships as well. Especially number 2!! I don’t want to hear about my best friend’s friends I’ve never met inside jokes. Not cool.

  15. *Gets on mini-soap box and clears throat* *ahem*

    I really have an issue with dating and the “culture of dating,” so this article spoke on a lot of things that I can relate to, or more specifically, what I despise. I don’t date and when I tell that to people, I get the strangest looks, then the questions follow, “How do you meet people without dating?” That in turn, makes me give a strange look back to such a question and then that tells me that they are not the person for me, for what I think are obvious reasons.

    Dating is like a job interview and I don’t know anybody who has ever loved doing job interviews or wanted to make a career out of just doing job interviews their whole life. There’s so much pretentiousness around it in order to appease somebody (that you don’t even know), so they can validate your existence and or worth through the pretentious information you give them… (ie: I once met the Pope while I was snorkeling along the Madagascar coastline… btw, I scored a 1600 on my SAT… did I tell you that my dog is the love of my life?).

    There are ways to meet people in a more “normal” setting, one that is more free flowing and organic. I don’t even look for relationships, they just kind of come to me based on casually talking to someone and it flowing organically into something else. I don’t need someone to validate my existence, nor do I need someone to complete me, I do that all on my own and I don’t expect people to fulfill that which only I can fulfill. It’s awesome when things just flow like that because there’s no bullshit, no pressure and both parties involved are at ease because there is no expectation in the first place, unlike dating. When you expect things from people right away and you don’t even know that they are capable, that already places you and that person at an unfair advantage, which leads to constant disappointment. Potential and expectations is a train wreck waiting to happen and that’s what dating is to me, a train wreck. Seriously, what is this dating stuff, why do people torture themselves with it? Dating is for the birds, as far as I’m concerned. I’m surprised that many people find dating acceptable because to me, it’s so unnatural (in its structure, dynamics of relationships, etc) and the proof is in the awkwardness you feel when you date and the expectations you project on your “potential significant other” *cough* I mean victim.

    • Dating is SO unnatural. Sometimes I’m so over it but other times I force myself to go on date because I’m impatient for the casual/organic to happen.

      • Impatience is the worst combo, then you attract the people you really don’t want to attract, which then makes the whole thing worse. You might as well slather honey all over yourself and walk into a forest where the bears haven’t eaten for days because at that point, you’re just a target and well, “Beef, it’s what’s for dinner.” It’s like watching that game show Wipe Out ( – Just imagine this show in the form of “extreme dating”) and seeing people go through ridiculous hoops just to see if there is “chemistry” with another person. Who does that and why? :p

        • Reminds me of “Cover me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians”

          Dating really does feel like Wipe Out sometimes. Thanks for the laugh :D

    • I cannot “Like” this enough! I don’t date either. I just make friends, and if something develops from that, its real, not forced. I don’t like interviews.

    • This is my new motto. The thought of dating after getting out of a very long term relationship is exhausting to me. I’ve had enough time to grieve the other relationship and move on, but the idea of doing a job interview (’cause that’s what it feels like) for love makes me want to throw the towel in permanently. Organically grown romantic relationships feels good.

  16. :( Um…Gabby…What does it keeping it 1000 mean?! I am such a dork …Or just too old lol :D

    • People tend to say “Keep it 100” meaning be 100% real so keeping it 1000% means being super real/honest.

      • what does handle name mean….hahaha just kidding!..Dirndl is a traditional dress worn in Germany. Think Oktober Fest! And well, Disaster is just that! Disaster. I suppose its a bit of a play on my personality. Part traditional Girly girl mixed with part freakin disaster! Or I as I like to call it..Life! :D That was probably far more explanation and exclamation points than you wanted haha! :D

    • Someone doesn’t want to hear the complete life history of my dogs?

      I don’t understand.

  17. I swear I’m gonna read the rest of this article, but after finishing #, I had to scroll down real quick and leave a little comment because OH MY GOD I AM LITERALLY, RIGHT NOW, AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT IN TIME SOAKING MY FEET AND SMOKING A CIGAR. Gods above do I love this site. I just felt the need to make that known. Anyways, back to reading…(scroll scroll scroll)

  18. I have never done the “conventional dating” route in that I have never met up with a stranger in hopes that we will have romantic chemistry and proceed from there. Dating friends seems to be a lot easier. Then again, I’ve never gone on a date unless it’s been with someone I’m already involved in… Hmmm…

    At least this list exists to let me know that I’m not ever going to miss out on this ritual.

    • Same here. I usually make friends with someone first, and then we hang out a few times, and if it gets flirty then maaaybe we’ll switch over to occasional makeout buddies. Or frequent makeout buddies.

  19. I have been on both sides of most of these scenarios. I would like to add one to the list. While on a first date, do not take your date by the hand and say the following: “I just want you to know, if I like it..I WILL put a ring on it!”

  20. I’m so glad to see so many people who talk obsessively about their cats in the comments. I don’t think I’ve ever been guilty of this on a date, but I definitely talk way too much about my cats in general. Cats are really cute!

    (Also, going on my first girldate pretty soon. Terrified. Absolutely bricking it.)

  21. The exes thing is terrible. Once I went on a date with a girl and she talked the whole time about how her ex was beatiful and what she said to her the last time she’s seen her and a detailed resume of what they dscussed about. If you are my friend it’s something I’d totally listen to and, yeah, even if she was practically a stranger I listened and tried to be nice and helpful. But seriously I am already nervous to go out with someone I don’t know well can you please not talk about how awesome your ex was?

  22. 4a. YES. THIS IS SO WEIRD WHEN THIS HAPPENS. I’ll have the like literal worst date and then the person tries to kiss me goodnight and I’m like whaaaaaa?

    • Awww, there are people to date who don’t have cats! I even dated one once (granted she was a farmer and had care over cows, chickens, and pigs, but no cat in the house).
      There is hope for romance without sneezing, and itchy, watery eyeballs. Promise.

    • Meee tooo. I was *just* thinking about how this automatically eliminates like 75% of my potential dating pool.

      Except not really, because almost every girl I’ve been with had a cat, and I fucking powered through. Ugh.

    • i’m allergic to cats! and i’ve managed to never date a girl who had a cat at the time of our relationship.

      • Kind of awkward though. When you want to be honest and upfront and you feel the time is right to air pertinent, current and past personal baggage, at what point do you tell her in all seriousness, “Cats make me breathe funny, make me incredibly unattractive in a puffy, hivey way, and I really can’t be around them not even a little bit no matter how unbelievably cute you are”? Of course, I have other qualities, but I am just not sure cat lovers/cat owners/cat obsessers can overlook/overcome the fact that I am definitely not a feline person. Did I mention I have other qualities?

  23. OH MAN
    This topic could be like a daily installment and it’d still be a thousand years before people are done venting.

    Cool to read someone face up to their datey flaws!
    Mine is I expect it to be totally poetic, earth moving, SHIT SHE LOVES MIKE LEIGH suddenly we’re talking about the deepest darkest and most fascinating corners of out subconcious and FUCK SHE’S READ GLEN DUNCAN and now look we’re going on a midnight trip to the beach because we both YOLO and OH HELL SHE WRITES POETRY suddenly it’s three days later and we don’t know where the time went but we’re definitely getting married.

    Real time: I asked her about herself and she’s telling me a thousand and one stories about her time in boarding school and her ex boyfriends and she thinks I’m funny even though I haven’t said anything and it’s cool I don’t “look like a lesbian” and she totally doesn’t like dogs and I’m having an emergency phone call and she knows it’s fake and it’s so awkward and I never go on another date again….

  24. Gaby, PLEASE tell me someone you went out with actually talked about their own “Señor Sniffles” on a date.

    I know that is probably just made up/awesome, but I want it to be real so much. :)

  25. And here I was feeling sorry for myself not having dated in eons. I had to laugh so hard at some of the comments. I agree with @antiant, meeting someone should happen organically. Having been on uncomfortable dates compared to when I met people in other settings.

    I’m also not a cat person. I think I’ll offer that information right off the bat in the future when I meet someone.

    • with all due respect to all of you, where is it raining queer girls? besides A camp?

      organic would be great if it were possible, but it isn’t for many of us.

  26. It is no secret that I work in theatre, so I often end up taking people to plays I need to see for a date. This girl was so cute and so awesome. I asked her how she felt about the show, filled with excitement and ready to talk big ideas, and all she said was, “it was, like, really deep”, my heart shriveled up and died.

    • oh man if someone took me out to The Theatre for a date I would crush on them SO HARD

      my OkCupid profile may or may not include a list of all the plays I want to see at the moment, just sayin’

  27. up until this very moment i vehemently believed that dating exists only inside my TV and books. honestly, never been in a date ever in my life, generally just hang out with people and then occasionally have sex and just carry on doing it until someone has the guts to say “hey, you’re awesome, i’m awesome, let’s be awesome together, be my GF.”

    maybe it’s an English thing, we are generally way more emotionally stunted than Americans.

  28. I have to admit I’m guilty of talking for more than five minutes about my cat and expecting people to care.

  29. Having just created an online dating profile today I believe reading this has helped to fortify my earlier instinct:

    I’m deleting the profile and hiding under the table where I can build a sweet fort and be forever alone.

    Or I could, y’know, learn a thing or two from this.
    Okay, okay.

    My future dates thank you in advance for me at least not screwing up the listed things.

  30. If someone would not stop talken about their pet I would probably see it as a good thing. I love talking about animals so there´s a bigger chance that they will listen to me talking about them.

  31. Went on a date with a girl where she talked about how every time she hung out with her best she fell in love all over again. I didn’t try to make out with her or call her again because i thought the date was a total fail. She texted me to go out again…I was so confused. I’m actually still confused but I’m not going.

  32. I think my thing is I care too much. *sigh* And am just really dorky/nerdy/argumentative. I can’t help it.

  33. I’d gladly listen to some one talk about their cute cat even though I’m more of a dog person. It’s considerably better than listening to someone talk about how they still live with their ex and fight all the time.

    I once went on a first date with someone who I had a decent conversation with, but really wasn’t into. Towards the end I contemplated bolting as she went to the bathroom. She must have been a mind reader because she said, “You’re still going to be here when I come back, right?” Then I realized it would pretty bad form to leave, so I stayed and came up with a less offensive exit strategy.

    I’m trying to get back out on the “scene” right now and it’s proving to be difficult when all my cute friends are coupled up. Single people, where are you (besides on OkCupid, nervously lurking on my profile)?

  34. Is it just me, but I’ve never been on an official dinner date with any girls before. Usually it’s take out or fast food or a casual sit down at an island bar

  35. I’m guilty of doing stupid things all the time. But my worst date experience was the chick went on and on about her past opiate addiction. Glad I never saw her again.

  36. whoa I think you made a mistake there with #1. You meant to say NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR CAT ALL NIGHT as a thing NOT to do, right? I would just like to put it out there that that person sounds awesome and I would be super into dating them. Just saying.

  37. Does anyone even say 411 anymore? If I said that it wouldn’t be to use “lingo” but as a joke.

  38. So this happened to me: She went on about her shitty job for 45 minutes and basically used me for free therapy and asked me 1 question during the entire evening. Ugh.
    How do you shut this sort of shit down!?

  39. A lot of what you listed in the first section was annoying, but most of what you’ve done was super rude and immature. What kind of person invites someone on a date, ignores them and let’s them order food, alone? I’m sure that this was supposed to come off as funny but this reminded me of the obnoxious things lesbians in my old high school used to do.

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