Five Foods That Should Never be Combined Again

There’s something about seemingly random opinions on things that don’t affect other people’s lives in any way that get folks riled up like no other. Say for example, not liking avocados. It’s for this reason that I’ve taken time out of my life to find friends and make foes regarding what foods should no longer be combined with other foods for the rest of time on Planet Brittani. I hope this list finds you and your preferences well.

1. Mint and Food or Drink

nastymint

“Would you like an after dinner mint?” You’ve heard that before, right? “Would you like a during dinner mint?” YOU’VE NEVER HEARD THAT. So why do we accept mint flavor in food? Oh yeah, let me freshen my mouth while I’m doing the thing that makes my mouth not fresh? No thank you. You wanna be refreshed while you slurp liquid? Drink some water dude. Then they have the audacity to do things like put mint flavored cremes in stuff like I want to imagine a liquified Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle hanging out all in my food.

2. Pretzel and Anything

ruinedbuns

I eat pretzels because I want my mouth to be dry and crackly. Wait. NO I DON’T. I truly don’t know why I eat pretzels. Because they’re there probably. I do know that I want it to be a pure experience when it happen. Chocolate covered pretzels? Just give me the chocolate. Pretzel M&Ms? What a terrible surprise lies inside. Pretzel buns? GET OUTTA HERE! I know for sure my lip is going to get stuck to that dry ass bun.

3. Oatmeal in All Cookies

ruinedcookies

Oatmeal is one of those foods that 150 years ago we were like man, we have a shit ton of these oats, guess we better figure out how to make them not disgusting. And we did. But then someone was like what if we took them in their grossest form and ruined something everyone loves! And that’s how oatmeal cookies were invented. We already know how I feel about walnuts and such in baked goods so it should be no surprise that I think chocolate chip cookies with oatmeal and walnuts have two too many ingredients. Do you people not see the beauty in simplicity?

4. Marshmallows and Hot Cocoa

ruinedcocoa

What do I want in my beautiful steaming cup of hot chocolate? Sad floaty pillows of nasty. Oh, jk that’s the last thing I want. Just bring me one cup of hot cocoa and a half a can of whipped cream and leave me be, you crazy troll people.

5. Bacon and Anything

ruinedbacon

Wanna know the best way to have bacon. Step 1. Prepare bacon. Step 2. Put bacon on an empty plate. Step 3. Eat bacon. Leave bacon alone. Stop acting like bacon isn’t good enough by itself. Do you know what you’re doing to bacon’s confidence?!


We keep Autostraddle majority free-to-read, but it isn't free to create! We need YOU to sign up for A+ to help keep this indie queer media site funded. A+ membership starts at just $4/month or $30/year. If you can, will you join?

Join A+

Brittani

Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person. When she's not tweeting about white people or watching television, she's probably eating pizza. Actually, she's probably doing all three of those things concurrently and when she's not doing THAT, she's sleeping. Brittani also went to Yale and feels weird about mentioning it but wants you to know.

Brittani has written 329 articles for us.

95 Comments

  1. Mint and chocolate is DISGUSTING. That combo makes my mouth feel like I took a swig of orange juice after brushing my teeth. I absolutely adore both mint and chocolate (and orange juice), but any of these things together is garbage and I wish the rest of the world would wise up and stop poisoning my chocolate with sneak-mints.

  2. I don’t really like cheese, and it turns out that’s a pretty unpopular stance with most people. about 97% of people decide I’m the most awful person ever. that remaining 3% though; they’re like OMG I’M NOT ALONE!

    also, I’m totally with you on the whole marshmallow + hot chocolate thing, except I like the weird dried out mini ones that come already in the cocoa pouches.

  3. You know, I feel like I can deal with a lot of things. I can deal with comment sections of YouTube, I can deal with the Twitter Machine being insufferable, I can even deal with bizzare Taylor Swift hate. But this? This is a bridge to far. THIS is unacceptable!

    YOU LEAVE OATMEAL COOKIES ALONE! WHAT DID THEY EVER DO TO YOU?

    I recall being a young girl and having one just as it came out of the oven and the joy I felt as it melted in my mouth. They’ve been a constant, a joy of joys that never fail, let me down, or tell me that my dream of a intergalactic empire is a fools dream.

    Oatmeal cookies are cookies, and the most kind and loyal of them all. And pretzels make good friends as well.

    So a pox of your house, for all of this.

    With Love,
    -Empress Sunil

    PS. Anyone that doesn’t like their hot chocolate with marshmallows is a communist.

  4. I prefer my hot chocolate with potato chips. I know, I’m gross.

    Also I do believe I’m the worst Jew in the world because bacon+milk chocolate is my favorite thing in the world.

    Other than that, you are spot on. Pretzels are only good if they’re the tiny thin kind and if they come with some kind of cheesy dip and if someone else buys them because I would never willingly buy them.

    • pretzel buns are actually not new- they’re a traditional roll & when I lived in Switzerland I ate them all the time! so scrumptious! was excited to see them appear on these shores tho unfortunately they’re rarely as good…

      try: pretzel roll with a few slices of salami, a thin slice of pickle, thin tomato slice & mayo & mustard… super old school & so good!

  5. What about caramel smoked bacon(well in my case the bacon would have been turkey, but now it’s vegan)?

    I like mint in my alcohol, and a light amount in my ice cream(like a thin mint chocolate chip); but then there is stuff like mint hummus, or mint veggie burgers. No, I am sorry you just ruined two things I like.

  6. Welp. I’m an awful person, then, because I commit at least three out of these five crimes on a regular basis.

    I like combining sweet things with pretzels (my uncle has a sort of cheater’s turtle candy where you lay out a bunch of mini twists on a parchment-lined baking sheet, plop a Rolo on top of each of them, and then stick it in a low oven for just a couple minutes to get the Rolos squishy enough that you can press a pecan half on top), oatmeal-chocolate-chip-walnut cookies were one of the things I chose to do for my pastry proficiency exam (I passed!), and mint picked fresh from the garden is great for tea, garnishes, and infusing in things (once my catnip’s gotten big and bushy enough to harvest lots of leaves, I’m going to use it in the ganache for truffles).

  7. Things like this used to make me so sad and irrationally angry, but then I realized – I can eat all of these things so that you don’t have to. And all shall be right with the world.

    Guess I’m having a pretzel burger with bacon and some mint hot chocolate with marshmallows for dinner (or more realistically a cup full of marshmallows with just a little bit of mint hot chocolate poured into it, c’mon now).

  8. I can understand all of these (even though I adore all of these combinations) except for bacon. If you like bacon itself, how can you not enjoy it mixed in with other things? Bacon on burgers, BLTs, Bacon wrapped chicken/steak/pork tenderloin/literally any meat ever, bacon in your caesar salad, bacon with your perogies, bacon with your baked potato, bacon on your pizza? Like man, bacon is just one of those things that if you add it to a dish,

    • Oh, I like it in stuff! Like when it maintains its baconness. I mean more of the situations in which you couldn’t, if you wanted to, extract the bacon untainted. Such as that picture where it is covered with chocolate or nuts or some weird glaze and when it’s cooked into maple doughnuts and stuff like that.

  9. I disagree on all of these. Gotta have my mint tea, pretzel burgers, chocolate covered pretzels, marshmallows in hot cocoa, oatmeal raisin cookies, and bacon cheeseburgers.
    But we can agree to disagree. :)

  10. You know, that reminds me of the time I had 2 all dressed burgers, 6 boston cream doughnuts, 1 huge chunk of pot brownies and a shitload of sprite + sourpuss drinks.

    Through the high, the drunkness and the gastric pain, I managed to cry-ask my friend : “Can food poisoning be lethal?”

  11. I have never seen pretzel buns before and was pretty well convinced that those tiny burgers were served on plums sliced in half, with an X cut in the top.

    (Whoa, are the burgers even tiny, or is that the plum-illusion talking?)

    This was a weird experience, reading the normal things you don’t like and expecting plumburgers to be one of them. Sort of a Roald Dahl moment. You’re right about pretzels though, terrible invention, should never be eaten.

  12. Sadly. I don’t agree with a single one of these. If I was to have my own list it’d be one thing and one thing only….

    Cayenne and chocolate.
    Chocolate should never be spicy. Spicy food should never be chocolatey.

    Amen to that.

  13. Most of these are my favorite things. But, I really only like mint of it’s fresh – like in chutneys and beverages. Mint-flavored things – blech. That includes toothpaste and especially gum. And I really hate the second-hand mint from other people chewing gum. No, I would really not like to breathe in the sweaty smell of that thing you’ve been chomping on for hours, thank you.

  14. Cookie Monster is my spirit animal, and you… you have angered him. Beware his furry blue wrath.

    (Marshmallows though, those things can all burn in confectionery hell. What kind of person wants to eat something that’s the exact consistency of an earplug, tell me)

  15. I don’t know about pretzels, I’ve never tried them. They’re not a thing here in Oz.

    Marshmallow anything though is just the end, chewy,powdery,super sweet,absolutely nasty.

    Fresh mint is a gift from the food goddess, especially chopped with Thai veggies and pumped with fresh lime juice.

    Bacon. I could wright odes to bacon but only with savory stuff.

    Oh this has been fun!! Just love talking food.

  16. I’m gonna leave this here:

    My friend bought this last weekend while we were hanging out. Upon opening the bag, I said “they smell like McDonalds.” (which to me, is not a good thing.)

  17. I disagree with that last one. You’re missing the point. I didn’t wrap a slice of sweet potato pie in bacon because the bacon is lacking without pie. I did it because pie is lacking wihout bacon.

  18. Wow… I can’t think of an AS article that I’ve ever disagreed with more fervently in my life! lol

    I’m fairly certain you listed every single one of my favourite food combinations!

    My only mantra when it comes to oatmeal cookies … or anything really is “RAISINS ARE RUINERS”! Don’t take something perfectly delicious, like an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie, then try to pull one over on me by hiding raisins in it! Awful….

    I repeat, RAISINS ARE RUINERS!

    Everything else mentioned above… delicious….

  19. Finally another American who will strongly admit putting bacon in everything is wrong, but at least you have cred because you like bacon. From the bottom of my pork hating but sensible heart, thank you.

Contribute to the conversation...

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!