Welcome to the tenth recap of the second season of Faking It, a high-stakes war story from the same network that brought you The Ashlee Simpson Show.

We open in the cool, calm living room of Chez Fawcett, where Amy’s descended from a miserable sleep session to find her mother serving up Sympathy French Toast ’cause Karma just dropped off her box. Not the vagina kind of box. The kind of box that has a unicorn and half of a “best friends” necklace in it. Okay, so, kind of a vagina-ish box. Regardless!

Fuck, she returned the dildos

“You two have more fights than Madison Square Garden,” says Farrah. “It’ll blow over.” When Amy explains that she’s in the doghouse for playing catch with Liam’s bone, Farrah suggests she find a new best friend. Yup, Amy broke “the cardinal rule of friendship,” which’s probs similar to breaking the rules of feminism in that the rule is “don’t sleep with your best friend’s boyfriend.” BUT THEY WEREN’T GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND YET WHEN IT HAPPENED!!! WORDS MEAN THINGS. WHY HAS THIS FACT ESCAPED THE WRITERS OF THIS WEEK’S EPISODE.

Oh fuck…

Somebody broke my heart necklace!

Amy insists that Karma and Amy are soulmates to whom the normal rules don’t apply and that they’re gonna spend the rest of their lives together! Farrah kindly pretends like there’s a relatively plump chance of that happening.

It’s okay sweetheart, there’ll be a brand-new episode of Serial next week, we just have to hold tight

We mercifully glide back over to the gorgeous green lawns of Hester Hippie Love Pray Eat Goddess Circle High School For Homos, where Shane’s pretending to interview Liam for some kind of scholarship that’ll get him off campus next semester. Shane asks Liam why he deserves this Fellowship.

Liam: Well, my girlfriend dumped me, she hates me so much she metaphorically killed me, things are unbearable at home since I told everyone that my sister is my mother, so I think I deserve to get the hell out of town next semester.
Shane: Okay, I think the one I wrote for you is better.

Are those ants crawling towards my bologna sandwich?

Meanwhile in Shaneland, Duke’s still not texting but he is making red carpet appearances with his new girlfriend who I hope is a lesbian. Also, Duke’s taken his beard to church which I think is against the Ten Commandments, even though my gay best friend used to take me to church all the time and so far we’re both still alive.

Drake’s putting out a Christmas album called “December 25”? C’mon I don’t believe that for a minute!

Anyhow, Liam suggests Shane throw himself into something else, like how Liam’s really into this fellowship! I’d suggest that he eat his dinner in a bathtub, go to sex clubs, watch freaky people getting it on, binge on all his twinkies, throw up in the tub and then go to sleep. But nobody ever takes my advice.

You think diaper rash cream will do the trick? Are you sure?

Cross-campus, Lauren’s herding her minions to assist her with her latest passion project: becoming student body president!

Lauren: I’ve been distracted lately from my goal of turning Hester into a school I’d want to go to. But I’m back on track now and I need 100 signatures to qualify.

Here. 740 pages of Lauren/Amy fanfic. Read it and weep.

Leila and Lisbeth politely remind her that her last run for public office — homecoming queen — only made people “hate her more.” Lauren agrees but says she just needs a touchy-feely issue to get her in the gate where she can then unleash her true colors.

Do you wanna tell her that the Drake Christmas album post was a hoax or should I

Lauren asks her minions to declare what she cares about and they’ve got only one item on that list: THEO.

Lauren: CarED about, Lisbeth. Past tense. That asshole is dead to me. He and that slutty bitch Brandy are perfect for each other.

Speaking of That Slutty Bitch Brandy…

Cut to an interrogation room, where Theo’s busting Brandy’s chops to get the down low on who’s making the best brownies ever for the students of Hesteria High. Because he’s an undercover cop, DUH.

So what you’re telling me is that it can’t possibly be true that Adnan called Jay from a pay phone at the Best Buy?

Dude, there were DEFINITELY zero public phones at that Best Buy.

Cut to the cafeteria, where Karma’s giving Amy the silent treatment at the cookie station. Amy assures the lunch lady she’s actively working towards mending this relationship.

Hi. I’m Karma Ashcroft. Like many of you, I sometimes struggle with vaginal itchiness and dryness.

Reagan calls Amy from inside a tent where they could be fingerfucking but aren’t because the world is a cold dark sad place. Apparently Reagan and Amy have plans to go camping this weekend but Reagan senses something hesitant in Amy’s voice…

Reagan: Am I moving too fast? Camping is one step away from a U-Haul.
Amy: No, and I’m still gonna be there! I — I — I got in a fight with Karma.
Reagan: You guys are always getting in fights! Can’t this wait until we get back?
Amy: No, it can’t. I need a little bit of time to smooth things over, please.
Reagan: You have until six. After that I’m leaving. With or without you.

Looks like things are already going really well with these two! I hope Reagan brought a book and a flashlight.

Wait, I thought you said I was the first person you ever used that WeVibe with?

We then cut to the Art Studio, a.k.a., Little Liam’s Playroom, where Xander from Buffy is interviewing Liam for the Fancy Artist Faraway Fellowship. I wonder if Xander still runs with the Scooby Gang or if he’s doing art full-time now.

Nice try, kid, but honestly I’ve seen way better Xander/Willow art instillations on tumblr

Regardless,  Xander’s unimpressed with Liam’s Tinker-Toy tribute to Karma and Liam’s inability to explain the intention behind his art.

Liam: I don’t have intention, okay? I’ve been through a lot of crap and making art is the only thing that makes me feel okay for one second. Is that real enough for you?
Xander: It hit me right here. (touches his heart, kinda) Too bad your piece doesn’t.

DAMN GIRL

Elsewhere on this sunny educational campus, Lauren’s interviewing with Vashti about her campaign platform to abolish the grade system. Aw, that’ll make college applications SO much fun for the children! Regardless, Vashti doesn’t believe Lauren’s being genuine, which wounds Lauren right in the soulchunk, but also she doesn’t care ’cause she’s running unopposed.

Lick my cell phone and see what happens, please.

NOT SO FAST! Turns out that Shane’s new project isn’t crochet or croquet, as I’d suggested, but running for Student Body President! His campaign manager Wendy says the campaign’s going real well so far; he’s got universal brand awareness and his likeability is through the roof! In fact, everybody wants to be his best friend! That’s probs because he’s gay.

We’re giving out free puppies to the entire student body, so good luck, losers.

Cut to the Hippie Lovetruck Foodsmash, where Karma’s darling parents are unknowingly enjoying their last breaths of free-range air before the arrest we’ve all anticipated takes place. Amy’s pressing Molly to get Karma to talk to her, but then Karma shows up to occupy Molly’s final moments of freedom by telling her to refuse service to this “unruly customer.” Clearly she’s never worked at The Olive Garden, she’d have a much different standard for unruly customers.

It’s okay, we all need to eat a little bit of gluten sometimes

But sooner than Molly can say “what happened to you two?” the po-pos show up, sirens blazing. Theo then struts out of the cop car in slow-motion, his badge blazing in the hot summer sun as he informs Molly and Lucas that he’s bringing them in for distribution of illegal drugs.

We’re so sorry baby we just couldn’t afford to pay for cable anymore and torrents seemed so harmless…

Karma watches helplessly as her parental units are herded into a cop car.

Karma: This is gonna get cleared up right? I mean you guys aren’t drug dealers, are you?
Molly: Technically…yes.
Lucas: What made those special brownies special?
Karma: Love?
Lucas: Your Mom and I don’t view weed as a drug, I mean to us it’s medicine.
Molly: We only provide it to those in need. We mostly sell to nursing homes.

Hey this is awkward but could you check if there’s some kale stuck in my back teeth, it’s driving me nuts and your Mom’s in cuffs

Karma gets arrested too, just for funsies. Amy rushes to defend Karma but Karma would rather go to jail than let Amy do her a favor. Thus Karma is whisked away just as Shane and Liam roll up.

I can’t believe those bitches spray-painted WHITE MALE TEARS all over my car AGAIN

Liam: I thought we were friends and friends don’t arrest friends’ girlfriend’s parents!
Shane: Ex-Girlfriends! But yeah, I knew you were bad news, Theo.
Theo: Look guys, it’s not personal. That juice truck was a drug front. The Aschcrofts are criminals and Karma might be too —

Liam rushes to defend his ex’s honor in the form of a punch to Theo’s face but Shane gets all up in there, blocking him from taking a swing, lest he end up in jail like the rest of them.

HE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE

Amy, inspired, punches Theo in the face! Now she can go to jail like the rest of them.

FUCK I USED MY FISTING HAND

I’m already having anxiety about Amy being stuck in jail, unable to call Reagan to cancel the camping trip, just like Shane couldn’t call Cherie when she went to jail. While I die in my Xanaxless lagoon of irrational fears, Theo rubs his sore cheek, the cop car pulls away, and Theo looks up to see Lauren standing there, sad and mad and rad and confused and alone.

This is just like the Kelly Clarkson song, “Walk Away”

Theo says her name but she’s already crying, and now she’s already walking away.

Cut to Parking Lot Party Time, where Xander’s breaking the news to Liam that his art sucks but he somehow got the fellowship anyhow.

Be real with me, son. Can you ever see me as anything besides Xander from Buffy? Because apparently Riese can’t.

Xander from Buffy: I see potential in you. You’re angsty and emotional, you can use it in your heart. The fellowship’s yours if you still wanna spend a semester away.

Probably there was a lesbian #KARMY shipper on the fellowship board, let’s be real.

Starsweep to the Inside The School set, where Lauren’s dropping off her student council signatures and has ZERO time for Shane’s snark about who she bribed to get those signatures because she just found out that her boyfriend’s is a narc and probs their WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WAS A LIE!

Lauren: I am humiliated, and confused and not in the mood for your crap.
Shane: Lauren! Wait! Would it make you feel any better to know I’ve been humiliated too?
Lauren: Yes.

Ugh why won’t this gay guy stop asking me to prom HELLO I KNOW YOU’RE GAY YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY

Shane shows her a nice shot of Duke and his new lady-love, a former Biggest Loser contestant, but Lauren doesn’t feel bad for Shane — she feels bad for the girlfriend, who’s got no idea who her boyfriend REALLY IS.

Lauren: Taffy deserves to know the truth! AND SO DO I!

Lauren storms off, leaving Shane alone to ponder how exactly he’ll facilitate the telling of the truth to Taffy. This is clearly all the ammunition he needs to do something unwise!

Surely Edible Arrangements made pineapple flowers that look like nuts and balls on purpose tight

Starsweep to the county jail, which’s much cleaner and more flatteringly lit than any actual county jail, which’s probably because THIS jail cell contains three inmates and one of them is MY FAVORITE COMEDIAN JULIE GOLDMAN!!!

Julie’s been getting so much work this year! People’s Couch, The Mindy Project… hot damn! Butch lezzers are suddenly in high demand, THE REVOLUTION HAS COME. Anyhow, Amy’s gotten herself arrested to hash it out with Karma, but Karma won’t even share a bench with her former bestie.

Julie Goldman: What’d you do to your hand?
Amy: Punched a cop in the face.
Julie Goldman: Atta girl. Let me see it, my cousin’s a doctor.

Honestly sometimes I watch the Black Swan episode of IYBO over and over again when I can’t sleep, I just find it so soothing

Across the room, Molly’s imploring Karma to consider if possibly she’s being a bit harsh, and Amy’s begging for a chance to explain.

Karma: Amy, please explain to me how you could have sex with my boyfriend and then lie to my face about it for weeks!
Molly: Amy, you had sex with a boy?!
Karma: (to her Mom) Focus on the crushing betrayal. (to Amy) You did the one thing you knew I could never forgive. You left me no choice but to hate you, and I hate you for that!

Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?

Amy’s got 60 seconds to explain to Karma why it’s “not as bad as it sounds” or else Amy’s gonna have to transfer schools ’cause Karma never wants to see her face again! What if the public school system really worked that way? “My lesbian best friend slept with this can of baked beans I had a crush on after I broke her heart, can she switch districts?”

Amy: Just to be clear, I’m not interested in Liam. I only slept with him because I wanted to hurt you in the worst way possible.
Other Inmate: Not a great opening. Hope you’re not representing yourself in court.

What is with this “I wanted to hurt you” thing? Where is this coming from? This started last episode and now they are running with it all the way off a cliff! THAT DOES NOT EVEN MAKE SENSE. In zero worlds does that idea make sense. If you were to ask me “what universe does that make sense in?” I’d go like this:

NO UNIVERSES!!!

Like did she weigh her options? Was she like, “well, I could dunk all of Karma’s thongs in neon green puffy paint, that’d hurt… or I could slash her tires, classic move! OH HEY LOOK IT’S A MAN THIS IS THE BEST WAY!!!” If there weren’t 12 people in my apartment right now I might get deeper into this.

Anyhow, Amy continues:

Amy: Remember when you saved up all that money to buy that Cinderella dress and you kept it in my room so that your Mom wouldn’t see it —
Molly: Karma!
Amy: Wow, I’m really screwing this up. My point is that you were always fantasizing about missing your Prince Charming. I was happy just to share a cardboard castle with you. And it wasn’t until we kissed in the gym that I realized why. I’ve been in love with you since they day we met, and suddenly we were pretending to be a couple and there was hand-holding and kissing and threesomes — I started to have hope. Hope that you were realizing your Prince Charming was Princess Sarcasm. But when that hope died, my heart broke and I was hurt and angry and I just wanted to cause you pain, and then I got drunk and Liam was there like a human sledgehammer and then I sobered up and I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I knew that if you found out this would happen…
Karma: Time’s up.
Amy: Screw the time! You said that we can get through anything. Please just give me a chance to earn your trust back!

Amy’s sad.

I just really, really, really, really want a trans-inclusive ENDA!

…….

Amy holds half her Best Friends Necklace over the toilet, threatening to ditch it if Karma doesn’t decide if she wants Amy in her life anymore. Karma, clearly concerned about how wasteful it is to flush claire’s products down the drain, can’t watch her discard this lovely memento and at the last minute says “Wait.” Well, that was fast! Conflict: resolved.

Cut to Liam’s father’s limousine. It’s like a hangout limousine. You know how it is when you’re really rich and you have a very long car, it’s hard to resist the urge to always hang out in your car, you know? I mean, this car is very long, and there’s a lot of glassware inside.

Whatever you do son, don’t forget this one thing: Never get high on your own supply

Anyhow, JUST AS I PREDICTED, Liam McSkorkle’s gonna get the ladies out of jail, and in exchange he has to give up on art, get an MBA, and get a management position in Skorkle. “If you back out,” Dad warns, “you’re cut off for good.” He’s on a one-way ride to Helena Peabodyville, y’all, shit is gonna be bleak.

Cut to the courthouse, where a gleeful Ashcroft Family are emerging unscathed from their brief experience behind bars, which Molly attributes to the power of positive thinking. You know what else probably helps though is that they’re white.

Lucas: The guards said someone we know called in a favor to the attorney general.
Molly: But he’s a Republican, we don’t know any Republicans!

Ugh I can’t believe Mom and Dad followed me all the way to JAIL, it’s SO uncool

Karma and Amy both totes know Liam sealed the Get Out Of Jail Free Deal. Also, Karma’s not ready to wear her Best Friends necklace again but she’ll totes chill out with it. Amy’s ready to skip the camping trip for Karma, but Karma won’t let her, probs because she wants to go bang Liam anyhow and isn’t up for hate-watching Twilight Total Eclipse of the Heart.

I can’t wait to get home and masturbate to American Horror Story

Back at Hester’s never-ending school day, Theo’s boss is watching him clean out his locker and congratulating him on a job well done when Lauren arrives, MAD AS HELL AND NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Hmmm, maybe next time I’ll have macaroni and cheese with cinnamon apples instead of the creamed spinach. That could be good.

She demands to know Theo’s real name (Anthony), his actual age (20) and whether any of it was “actually real.” It was, obviously, you can see that all over Theo’s face, but he glances at his boss and knows that’s the wrong answer. So he says “no.” Lauren can’t see what’s on his face because her insecurity is blinding.

Lauren: I opened my heart to you, I don’t open my heart to anyone, I trusted you, I told you I was intersex!

I kissed a BOY!!!

Then her hands fly to her mouth — fuck did I say that in front of everybody? — but her heart is raging too hard for it to even matter. Who gives a fuck if I did. Vashti clamors for her to record a comment but all Lauren has to say to Vashti’s iPhone is “fuck off.”

This is gonna look so good in Walden

Before we get back into the story I want to take a time out for the bitch who stole this scene, I love this motherfucker, I want her to give Aghast Facial Expressions in the background of everything I do for the rest of my life.

I wish she’d done tiger claws too though

Snapback to Liam’ Arts and Crafts Hut For Homies. Shane’s got his SkorklePad in his sweaty palms, waiting for the press conference Duke is holding after somebody leaked his Grindr profile to the press. This day is moving very quickly I hope everybody wore sneakers.

Liam: I thought someone was done outing people.
Shane: I was! But hasn’t Theo the narc taught us that you can only hide who you are for so long?

So THAT’S what happened to my Autostraddle boyshorts

…and then Duke uh, comes out! Damn, conflicts are getting resolved lickity split today, eh? Usually mid-season finales leave you with so many cliff-hangers and this one is sort of walking you gently up to the ledge and then making you a picnic.

Duke: They’re true. I’m a proud gay man and I’m in love with Shane Harvey.

I wish everybody announced who they were dating when they came out, that would save so many of us so much time we would’ve otherwise spent googling. I MEAN SKORKLING.

I just wanted to apologize for using ableist language on tumblr last night, and to thank my followers for holding me accountable

Shane, stunned, immediately flees Young Love Artspace probably to go have buttsex with his robust boyfriend and he’s so propelled by this situation that he doesn’t acknowledge Karma, who’s entering the Soulart Sauna as he departs.

Oh HI I was just making a silicone mold of your vagina NBD

Karma wants to know why he got the charges dropped, but Liam insists it wasn’t so she’d get back together with him, ’cause he knows that ship has sailed. SURPRISE IT TOTALLY HASN’T SAILED AT ALL because Karma’s next move is smashing her mouth and tongue and face into Liam’s.

Liam: Does this mean you forgive me?
Karma: No.

But this does mean he can remove some of her clothing and lift her up and carry her over to the couch so they can read each other’s horoscopes.

Seriously I spilled pudding all over the floor, you can’t let your feet touch the ground!

Starsweep to Chez Fawcett, where Lauren’s unimpressed that Lisbeth and Leila are continuing to campaign despite her calling the whole thing off. But, of course, because she attends The Hesterosexual Home For High Freedom and Hippie Love, coming out as intersex, albeit unintentionally, has given her a huge boost in the polls! In fact, Shane’s campaign manager has jumped ship to head up Lauren’s race to the top! THIS IS EXCITING.

It’s true. We started our own Screenprinting factory! Do you like our first design!?!

Wendy: Forget Shane. I got into politics to make history. You’ll be Hester’s first intersex class president!
Vashti: I’m not here as the press. I just want to show my support. You are such an inspiration! Though I would like to do an exclusive.

Lauren’s hesitation quickly fades as her desire to be in power over all things bubbles gently to the surface.

Lauren: Thank you all for your support! I can’t wait to be your president!

The crowd goes wild!

It’s Marc Jacobs.

Starsweep to a tent in the woods, where Reagan’s gone diving on Amy’s clam and unsurprisingly, Amy’s declaring that she loves camping.

Feels so Nikki Stevens right now

“I love camping too,” says Reagan with an intensity so intense that it’s almost funny. They kiss, and part lips, and then Reagan returns to her work down below.

You’re totally right, one of your pupils IS bigger than the other!

Then something funny happens and from here on out we’re not sure what’s going on — if Amy’s hallucinating or fantasizing OR if this is all but a dream. Okay, actually I’m pretty sure that this is all a dream. The confusing part is why any of this is happening at all?

!!

Because when Reagan comes back up for air, she’s not Reagan anymore, she’s Karma. When Amy says “whoa,” it’s Karma who says “I know.”

No way, I think both of your pupils are the same size and just right

They start kissing again, frantic…

?

…but then Amy’s jostled awake lying on her side in the tent. Or is she? Because now, Amy says “I just had the weirdest dream,” and then she rolls over and finds herself face-to-face with Liam Booker. He asks what her dream was about. She asks what he’s doing here.

Hey I think we switched contacts earlier

omg I THOUGHT my pupils felt weird!!!

Liam: We’re celebrating, remember. We duped Karma into letting us off the hook!
Amy: Oh. That’s right. Where were we?

…and then she rolls over and they start making out?

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

…which then immediately cuts to Karma waking up on top of Liam’s bare artsy chest in his Art Man Cave. She looks disturbed… or something. It’s hard to tell.

I feel like my corneas are dripping out of my vagina?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

Well, that’s the end of this week’s episode. It’s really a miracle I got this done at all, I want you to know that there are ten queers in my house right now and also drugs and alcohol, yet here I am! I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU WEIRDOS.

Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!