Welcome to the tenth recap of the second season of Faking It, a high-stakes war story from the same network that brought you The Ashlee Simpson Show.
We open in the cool, calm living room of Chez Fawcett, where Amy’s descended from a miserable sleep session to find her mother serving up Sympathy French Toast ’cause Karma just dropped off her box. Not the vagina kind of box. The kind of box that has a unicorn and half of a “best friends” necklace in it. Okay, so, kind of a vagina-ish box. Regardless!
“You two have more fights than Madison Square Garden,” says Farrah. “It’ll blow over.” When Amy explains that she’s in the doghouse for playing catch with Liam’s bone, Farrah suggests she find a new best friend. Yup, Amy broke “the cardinal rule of friendship,” which’s probs similar to breaking the rules of feminism in that the rule is “don’t sleep with your best friend’s boyfriend.” BUT THEY WEREN’T GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND YET WHEN IT HAPPENED!!! WORDS MEAN THINGS. WHY HAS THIS FACT ESCAPED THE WRITERS OF THIS WEEK’S EPISODE.
Amy insists that Karma and Amy are soulmates to whom the normal rules don’t apply and that they’re gonna spend the rest of their lives together! Farrah kindly pretends like there’s a relatively plump chance of that happening.
We mercifully glide back over to the gorgeous green lawns of Hester Hippie Love Pray Eat Goddess Circle High School For Homos, where Shane’s pretending to interview Liam for some kind of scholarship that’ll get him off campus next semester. Shane asks Liam why he deserves this Fellowship.
Liam: Well, my girlfriend dumped me, she hates me so much she metaphorically killed me, things are unbearable at home since I told everyone that my sister is my mother, so I think I deserve to get the hell out of town next semester.
Shane: Okay, I think the one I wrote for you is better.
Meanwhile in Shaneland, Duke’s still not texting but he is making red carpet appearances with his new girlfriend who I hope is a lesbian. Also, Duke’s taken his beard to church which I think is against the Ten Commandments, even though my gay best friend used to take me to church all the time and so far we’re both still alive.
Anyhow, Liam suggests Shane throw himself into something else, like how Liam’s really into this fellowship! I’d suggest that he eat his dinner in a bathtub, go to sex clubs, watch freaky people getting it on, binge on all his twinkies, throw up in the tub and then go to sleep. But nobody ever takes my advice.
Cross-campus, Lauren’s herding her minions to assist her with her latest passion project: becoming student body president!
Lauren: I’ve been distracted lately from my goal of turning Hester into a school I’d want to go to. But I’m back on track now and I need 100 signatures to qualify.
Leila and Lisbeth politely remind her that her last run for public office — homecoming queen — only made people “hate her more.” Lauren agrees but says she just needs a touchy-feely issue to get her in the gate where she can then unleash her true colors.
Lauren asks her minions to declare what she cares about and they’ve got only one item on that list: THEO.
Lauren: CarED about, Lisbeth. Past tense. That asshole is dead to me. He and that slutty bitch Brandy are perfect for each other.
Speaking of That Slutty Bitch Brandy…
Cut to an interrogation room, where Theo’s busting Brandy’s chops to get the down low on who’s making the best brownies ever for the students of Hesteria High. Because he’s an undercover cop, DUH.
Cut to the cafeteria, where Karma’s giving Amy the silent treatment at the cookie station. Amy assures the lunch lady she’s actively working towards mending this relationship.
Reagan calls Amy from inside a tent where they could be fingerfucking but aren’t because the world is a cold dark sad place. Apparently Reagan and Amy have plans to go camping this weekend but Reagan senses something hesitant in Amy’s voice…
Reagan: Am I moving too fast? Camping is one step away from a U-Haul.
Amy: No, and I’m still gonna be there! I — I — I got in a fight with Karma.
Reagan: You guys are always getting in fights! Can’t this wait until we get back?
Amy: No, it can’t. I need a little bit of time to smooth things over, please.
Reagan: You have until six. After that I’m leaving. With or without you.
Looks like things are already going really well with these two! I hope Reagan brought a book and a flashlight.
We then cut to the Art Studio, a.k.a., Little Liam’s Playroom, where Xander from Buffy is interviewing Liam for the Fancy Artist Faraway Fellowship. I wonder if Xander still runs with the Scooby Gang or if he’s doing art full-time now.
Regardless, Xander’s unimpressed with Liam’s Tinker-Toy tribute to Karma and Liam’s inability to explain the intention behind his art.
Liam: I don’t have intention, okay? I’ve been through a lot of crap and making art is the only thing that makes me feel okay for one second. Is that real enough for you?
Xander: It hit me right here. (touches his heart, kinda) Too bad your piece doesn’t.
Elsewhere on this sunny educational campus, Lauren’s interviewing with Vashti about her campaign platform to abolish the grade system. Aw, that’ll make college applications SO much fun for the children! Regardless, Vashti doesn’t believe Lauren’s being genuine, which wounds Lauren right in the soulchunk, but also she doesn’t care ’cause she’s running unopposed.
NOT SO FAST! Turns out that Shane’s new project isn’t crochet or croquet, as I’d suggested, but running for Student Body President! His campaign manager Wendy says the campaign’s going real well so far; he’s got universal brand awareness and his likeability is through the roof! In fact, everybody wants to be his best friend! That’s probs because he’s gay.
Cut to the Hippie Lovetruck Foodsmash, where Karma’s darling parents are unknowingly enjoying their last breaths of free-range air before the arrest we’ve all anticipated takes place. Amy’s pressing Molly to get Karma to talk to her, but then Karma shows up to occupy Molly’s final moments of freedom by telling her to refuse service to this “unruly customer.” Clearly she’s never worked at The Olive Garden, she’d have a much different standard for unruly customers.
But sooner than Molly can say “what happened to you two?” the po-pos show up, sirens blazing. Theo then struts out of the cop car in slow-motion, his badge blazing in the hot summer sun as he informs Molly and Lucas that he’s bringing them in for distribution of illegal drugs.
Karma watches helplessly as her parental units are herded into a cop car.
Karma: This is gonna get cleared up right? I mean you guys aren’t drug dealers, are you?
Lucas: What made those special brownies special?
Lucas: Your Mom and I don’t view weed as a drug, I mean to us it’s medicine.
Molly: We only provide it to those in need. We mostly sell to nursing homes.
Karma gets arrested too, just for funsies. Amy rushes to defend Karma but Karma would rather go to jail than let Amy do her a favor. Thus Karma is whisked away just as Shane and Liam roll up.
Liam: I thought we were friends and friends don’t arrest friends’ girlfriend’s parents!
Shane: Ex-Girlfriends! But yeah, I knew you were bad news, Theo.
Theo: Look guys, it’s not personal. That juice truck was a drug front. The Aschcrofts are criminals and Karma might be too —
Liam rushes to defend his ex’s honor in the form of a punch to Theo’s face but Shane gets all up in there, blocking him from taking a swing, lest he end up in jail like the rest of them.
Amy, inspired, punches Theo in the face! Now she can go to jail like the rest of them.
I’m already having anxiety about Amy being stuck in jail, unable to call Reagan to cancel the camping trip, just like Shane couldn’t call Cherie when she went to jail. While I die in my Xanaxless lagoon of irrational fears, Theo rubs his sore cheek, the cop car pulls away, and Theo looks up to see Lauren standing there, sad and mad and rad and confused and alone.
Theo says her name but she’s already crying, and now she’s already walking away.