Bottoms Up: Bottoming and Butt Sex

I like to play with kink because I like to test and stretch my limits, and while anal sex isn’t inherently kinky, that testing and stretching can make it feel that way. In a D/s interaction, giving away power is agreeing to be vulnerable in certain ways, and having someone acknowledge and praise that vulnerability is an important part of my submission. And nothing says vulnerability like trying anal sex for the first time.

My partner and I went into our local sex toy store to look for possible plugs after I read an enticing Njoy Pure Plug review and realized I’d be game to try anal at least twice. (I was hooked at once.) We picked out an adorable small silicone plug, bendy and a little bigger than a thumb, and the sales person told us it was a great beginner toy so we took it home.

In bed, I was tense. I am extremely tense, almost all the time; when I studied classical voice, my teacher would tell me that even when I thought I was perfectly relaxed, there was no way I could be and still hold so much tension in my shoulders. I blame twenty years of carrying backpacks to school and also anxiety. But you can’t be tense and expect to play with a butt plug. My partner ordered me to relax, placing their hand firmly just below my neck, and when I managed to, the plug going in was one of the most intense feelings I’d ever experienced. The fullness of it relaxed my entire body. And beyond the sensation of the toy, that moment was one of my first memorable experiences in subspace — it was one of the first times I’d relaxed and trusted my partner enough to let myself enter it. I felt safe, floaty and, best of all, I wasn’t thinking about anything. I just felt.

I’m a heady person. I think too much about everything, especially sex, and my mind is my biggest obstacle when it comes to submitting. I know that giving up control in play will make me happy, though actually doing it — taking that first step toward subspace — is another matter. But when someone is working a two-inch metal plug into your ass (we eventually moved up to the Pure Plug, obviously), you can’t overthink. You just have to ride the feelings and focus on relaxing. If I know I need to be especially submissive, I always suggest anal as a way to bring me closer to my ideal sub self.

Plus, one of the hottest things a top can tell me is how well I’m taking such a big toy. Their praise, encouragement, soothing, and comforting all at once in a wildly sexual experience takes me to far off places.

Besides getting me out of my head and into my body, anal reminds me to be patient. I tend to want to move a bit faster than my partners feel is safe, considering the size of things I want in my ass. I’ve been spanked more than once for being too eager and trying to take control of the situation. But anal is most successful when it’s slow and methodical; when the bodies involved control the rhythm. I might want to move faster than my top, but I can’t move faster than my body. Anal forces me to obey their rhythm and reinforces that my top has control.

Even here in 2016, anal sex is still not easy for me to bring up, though I’m positive that most of my hang ups about it are all in my head. I’ve only had one person tell me that anal was off the table, but the conversation still always feels taboo. I don’t know for sure, but I wonder if that’s part of the reason I enjoy it so much. Being able to trust someone enough to bring up an act I consider to be somewhat taboo makes submitting to them that much easier. I want to please someone I know I can trust and who doesn’t think the things I’m into are weird much more than I want to please some girl who picked me up at the bar. I want to submit — to the right person. And the right person — with whom I have a deep level of trust, with whom I can relax — will fuck me in the ass.

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Ari is a 20-something artist and educator. They are a mom to two cats, they love domesticity, ritual, and porch time. They have studied, loved, and learned in CT, Greensboro, NC, and ATX.

Ari has written 330 articles for us.


  1. “Even here in 2016, anal sex is still not easy for me to bring up”, thank you for posting this even though you had reservations.

    What I love in reading both you and sinclair’s take on kink is how much work goes into your pleasures. Kink, bdsm have this rep of being the extreme in emotion? mindless or reckless and people remain oblivious to the effort that goes into each moment, that safety and trust undergird everything. rambling thoughts but anyho…

  2. Holey schnikeys, this cover image and title! This is, without a doubt, going to be my most dangerous day of AS browsing at work so far.

    OK but now that I’m here I guess I better read the article :-D

    • OK and also, I do actually do work. Lots of it. Just thought I should put that out there :-D

  3. “Plus, one of the hottest things a top can tell me is how well I’m taking such a big toy.”


  4. love this piece. what a wonderful way of articulating how sensations play into identity and your way of relating to your body and your partner.

  5. “But you can’t be tense and expect to play with a butt plug” This will be my new mantra.

  6. This is so wonderful and helpful! I’m new to the field and this post makes me feel better, and like less of a failure! Next stop buttplug central

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