Bomb Girls 210 Recap: Everyone Knows Everyone in the Biblical Sense

This week on Bomb Girls, Betty’s military booty call goes long distance, Vera makes everyone teary-eyed with her perfection, and Gladys’ magical vagina continues to act as a doofus magnet. Yep, if you thought McBond meant the end to your Make Betty Happy Fund, better pull out the jar and count your quarters, because homegirl is back to square one and we’re still crying about it.

neither can we, santana. we thought betty was going to be happy for once, but no. we were dead wrong.

Also, it’s a Marco episode, which is either great or terrible news depending on how you feel about cannoli. And by cannoli, I mean Marco’s wang.

Marco is having an Italian Party, which I guess is where you arm wrestle and roll around in tubs of marinara sauce and encourage each other to join fascist groups. Unfortunately, his mom comes home early to a kitchen full of half-naked muscular Italian men and makes a mental note to add this moment to the running list on her Livejournal of “Reasons Marco Might Be Gay or Fascist”. She also explains that she got totally discriminated against at the supermarket for squeezing too many cantaloupe. I, too, have had that issue, Sra. Moretti, but it usually ends with the girl telling me she has other places for me to put my hands.

ma you gotta quit it with these italian mother fight clubs

look ma it’s a cup did i do good ma i got you a cup

That supermarket happened to be Witham’s Emporium of Well-Priced Beans and Daughters Who Keep Making Out With Everybody. Marco says he’s gonna fix this. Considering the fact that every time Marco attempts to do something good, he is immediately accused of being an Italian fascist spy, I have a feeling this is going to be super successful!

Somewhere in a car that is probably in the Greater Toronto Area, Terrible British Accent and Gladys are driving around talking about spy things. Terrible British Accent says that Marco is a security threat. Gladys is like, yeah, you and every other writer who has rehashed this narrative about five times this season. He hands her a file full of Evidence Marco Is Bad and tells her to look it over. SPIES!

Picture 589

um this file is just pictures of cannolis

Back in Marco’s kitchen, Frankie is talking about how Canada makes Italians eat crow when they just want to eat spaghetti, and Marco is inspired to action because if there’s one thing you don’t want to fuck with an Italian on, it’s their goddamned food. There’s a lot of yelling and hand gestures and mentions of eating. In my adventures of dating a Very Italian Girl, I have gotten used to frantic hand gestures as a Thing Italians Do, but I’ve found it’s also a great way to assess one’s lesbian sexual abilities with nothing more than a conversation. In this conversation, we learn that Marco is probably great at reaching the g-spot, while Frankie is better suited for fisting. Fun.

Frankie gives Marco a little handbook about fascism so Marco can become a fascist. This is like when lesbians distribute little handbooks about lesbianism to convert girls to lesbianism! That’s how we do it, folks. Secret divulged.

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chapter one: your cannoli is our cannoli

Meanwhile on Chilly Housewives of Toronto, Lorna and Reggie are reading the morning paper and refreshing Hulu to see when the new episode of The Daily Show will be online. After hearing Jon Stewart’s bit about the Nazis taking down a civilian ship in Newfoundland, they are interrupted by the milkman, with whom Lorna is sharing a weirdly erotic moment. Did I mention the moment was erotic and weird? She gives him a hard time about where he leaves the cream, and the amount of tension is disturbing. Lorna literally says “naughty neighbors steal my cream.” Bomb Girls: the show that continues to go there even when you are not sure that’s a place you want to go.

Picture 591

ma’am i would never want to steal your cream i would want you to give it to me fully and passionately and with your absolute consent

The ladies that own my heart are all convening before work, stressed the fuck out due to news that the enemy is now in Canadian waters. But wait! Ivan and Kate’s wedding announcement is in the paper, complete with an adorable caricature that I’m going to need to be Lesbianized asap. Betty’s reactions to these Kate/Ivan situations continue to be top notch.

RLYTHOfuckinheteros

I’ll say this, though. The tension between Kate and Betty is at a level it has not been in ages, maybe ever, and sorry for not being sorry that my little McAndrews heart is excited to see anything between them. There is so much unresolved shit here, and I’m all about a version of the story where that intense emotion finally reaches its fruition.

In other lesbian news, Teresa is shipping out. Betty’s reaction to this is accurately summed up here:

noyeplesbiansquestionmark

Vera and Marco are having lunch and being adorable while Gladys not so subtly listens in on their conversation. Gladys, I love you, okay? I love your angel face and your perfect hair, but sometimes I genuinely wonder what you are doing with your life. Then she joins them for lunch and gives them oatmeal raisin cookies. SPIES!

Picture 599

yes this is how spy i am good spy now

Marco tells Gladys that her family’s stores are dens of sin and misery. Gladys interprets this as Fascist Talk. SPIES!

Picture 600

marco hate groceries marco fascist good spy work!!!??!!!

Betty joins Ivan and Kate for lunch because I guess it’s not awkward that Ivan has boned both ladies at the table? Ivan is experiencing a situation that I like to call The Bryn Mawr Dining Hall Every Single Day. Ivan and Kate are wedding planning which is exactly what a lesbian wants to witness her former crush and beard doing right after she’s been told the only girl she’s ever had sex with is leaving forever. Kate is lying through her teeth about her family and Betty is onto her ass. Mostly because Betty is the only one who knows Kate’s darkest secrets, and vice versa. Oh, ladies, someday you’ll figure this all out.

murderkillmenao

Terrible Accent Sir tells Gladys she needs to get close to Vera to learn Marco’s secrets, and Gladys actually does what he says. Gladys, baby girl, sweet cheeks? What are you doing, honey? She suggests that she and Vera go “cry into some beers” which is weirdly a thing I don’t suggest to my friends but something that happens anyway?

IS THIS HOW SPY AM GOOD SPY YET???

IS THIS HOW SPY AM GOOD SPY YET???

Vera is suspicious of Gladys’ magical vagina, second only to Taylor Swift’s magical vagina, and gives her the Lucille Bluth side-eye before walking away.

Lorna is supervising a dance class because VicMu is actually a girls’ summer camp that happens to make bombs. The dance instructor is none other than Weirdly Erotic Milkman, who flashes her the look of Tryna, to which Lorna literally responds “YOU?”

udowbfineass

Anyway they flirt and dance and it looks like we’re about to get our hands on another Lorna Infidelity Plotline, minus cannoli, plus milk. Girl has definitely got a food thing going for her. Whatever gets you off, honey.

Marco and Frankie are doing Italian Fascist Things, which basically means stealing vegetables and punching low-level security guards. Meanwhile, Gladys is sucking up to Mrs. Moretti and taking the Fascist Handbook as proof that Marco is bad. She does this while munching on phallic symbols and drinking espresso. Gladys, baby, I love you, but. But.

EAT BISCOTTI GOOD SPY WORK

BISCOTTI GOOD SPY WORK BISCOTTI YUM

Over at Witham Palace of Beans, Gladys and family is hearing that a guard got beat up by some Italians, who promptly stole their butternut squashes! Probably to use in a quality sauce that they’ll serve over pasta, the bastards! Gladys thinks her mom is being a Grade A Bigot by referring to Italians as “those people” but then she remembers SPIES! And goes back to being a covert spy. SPIES!

Picture 608

is spy do racism is spy work spies good????

Over at Ye Olde Factory Floor, Kate and Betty are dealing with their tension. It’s sort of working but mostly not because their clothes are still on. They keep passing a giant dildo back and forth and fight for control of it while shoving it into a hole. So.

Picture 609

what could i possibly be mad about it’s not like you’re getting married to the only guy i’ve ever had sex with and my girlfriend is leaving to go fight the war and everything i have ever loved has left me

Gladys sees that Marco’s hand is all bruised. She confronts him about it and he says he was just boxing and stirring his spaghetti really hard so can she just back off already??? Gladys goes to the dark and wet cellar where Bad Accent Huh is waiting and tells him about her spy findings. Someone walks by so to be subtle she goes right ahead and kisses him. Gladys’ magical vaginas, ladies and gentlemen. SPIES!

Picture 610

HOW BE SUBTLE DO KISS??? GOOD SPY WORK!!!

Marco is having another Italian Party in his kitchen, this time with free produce, but his mom comes in and straight up slaps him silly. He’s like, mom, I’m a fascist now, you don’t get it and you’ll never get it! and then he goes upstairs to listen to Avril Lavigne’s version of O Sole Mio in his room.

Picture 612

fascism isn’t just a fad mom, it’s a real band with really good music and i’m gonna go to coachella whether you say yes or not

Gladys goes to talk to Marco about his life problems at the Only Bar in Toronto. Vera sees and is NOT DOWN because everyone knows that Gladys’ Magical Vagina has a tracking beam like no other. Lorna and Weirdly Erotic Milkman are dancing and flirting. It’s going there, guys. You don’t know if you want it to, but it is anyway.

oh no i don't have a husband that was just a strange man in a wheelchair who sometimes lived in my home

oh no i don’t have a husband that was just a strange man in a wheelchair who sometimes lived in my home

Vera gives Gladys the 411 in the bathroom, just like at middle school dances where you would meet all your friends in the bathroom and tell each other who you should try to dance with and who you should not try to dance with because Stacy Cleaves already called Matt Banks which means you skanks need to stay the fuck away from Matt Banks. In this case, Gladys Witham and her Magical Vagina need to stay the fuck away from Marco Moretti because Vera is the queen and has had it hard and deserves nice things. Gladys sort of gets it.

gladys i don't need to destroy you and everything you hold dear but it seems you are leaving me no choice

gladys i don’t need to destroy you and everything you hold dear but it seems you are leaving me no choice

Marco shows up at Vera’s place for a little drunk nookie. It ends up being a very touching conversation in which Vera, who is the queen of the universe and someone whose self-confidence is stupidly inspiring and beautiful, opens up about her own insecurities and the trauma she still deals with after the factory accident. I’m so in love with this character, guys. I know y’all are ridin that Betty train pretty hard, but Vera is the kind of perfection I was convinced you’d have to die and get to heaven to see.

Picture 615

Reggie finds out that the milkman is coming over. Her reaction to the whole situation is pretty great.

Picture 616

keep it in your pants girl

Vera wakes up to Marco chattin’ it up in Italian on the phone. She asks him what’s up and he says it’s none of her business. Little does he know that Vera is queen of the universe and thus everything that even minor mortals do, such as himself, is her business.

Picture 617

do you dare to address me as such

Kate and Betty have a moment in the locker room. It’s intense for a number of reasons. Firstly, it’s maybe the first time this season they’ve acknowledge the deep connection they have and what they mean to each other. Secondly, it’s super important that Kate expresses some kind of verbal approval of Betty’s queerness, and she does, even if let’s face it, that is a situation that needs to be addressed in a much more complex way, maybe once Kate is ready. I don’t know, guys. I just really love them, okay? I love them a whole lot and I want them both to be happy so badly and I keep believing that some day eventually they will find that happiness in each other but in the meantime I am okay with these other things but oh, feelings.

Picture 618

Of course, this scene is followed up by some more heart stomping as Teresa comes to see Betty for one last goodbye. And they can’t even kiss! Give this lady a break, people. Gives this lady a goddamned break before my eyeballs are ripped from their sockets in protest of all this crying.

Picture 619

oh jesus i can’t the tears stop no i can’t

Betty goes to Lorna’s house to apologize and gets a meal out of it. Oh, Lorna, and your mothering ways. Meltin’ my queer heart.

Picture 620

baby

In conclusion, Betty is perfect, Kate is perfect, Vera is perfect, Lorna is perfect, Gladys is working on it, and look at these perfect faces having a perfect moment.

PERFECT DISNEY PRINCESS FACE I CAN'T

PERFECT DISNEY PRINCESS FACE I CAN’T

Picture 622

don’t make that face i’m gonna cry i’m already crying there are tears everywhere

Bomb Girls: the little show that can and will destroy your heart, and you will be happy to have your heart decimated.

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kate

Full-time writer, part-time lover, freelancing in fancy cheese and cider.

Kate has written 1 article for us.

28 Comments

    • i think the “kate hate “comes entirely from the betty hardcore stanning in the fandom tbh. the fact that kate did not sleep with everyone’s favorite character means that no one wants to acknowledge her agency but instead scream at kate for not giving their idol what she wanted

      go figure, i am still way into mcandrews. this is if only because i think the relationship between the two women is more complex and intense than ever, and i’d love to see that come to fruition. not in the way i think a lot of the fandom has idealized it – kate admitting she’s in love with betty, she’s so sorry for ever doing her wrong, lesbians happiness rainbows etc – but in the super complicated and human way it will probably eventually come to a head. here are two people who have shared their deepest and darkest secrets with each other – one of those secrets is fucking MURDER for christ’s sake, along with secrets concerning abuse, sexuality, all kinds of dark shit – while dealing with underlying unspoken desires that only ever come to the surface through really heated semi-violent moments, like betty’s kiss, the scene with kate’s father in the hallway, etc. that is a recipe for a super intense and complex narrative of sexuality and desire that NEEDS to be told, partly because i think that love is complicated and weird and we don’t give it enough credit, and partly because i think a lot of queer narratives in media are under a lot of pressure to be these happy normal things, and here is a story that is ripe with tension and darkness and goddamn it i hope this show can do it some justice

      yeah i have a lot of feelings about this show beyond my snarky recaps, can you tell?

  1. Pretty sure Betty’s reaction about putting an announcement in the paper was because she knew it would be dangerous for Kate’s cover – note that right after she cautions against it, Kate tries to get Ivan to back off the idea. And I totally don’t think Lorna was missing anything when Teresa said she was shipping out; in this episode I became sure that Lorna is onto both Betty and McBond… for reasons I already explained over at the AE recap and don’t feel like typing out again. :P

    Oh but Kate, you made me snort out food a few times and get a bit misty-eyed. I love your recaps. The bit about the wedding planning scene was awesome. <3

  2. Haha! The “fuckin heteros” pic made me chortle.

    I want to teach a WWII history class now and have the final assignment be on representations of women’s work just because of this show (and, a little bit, A League of Their Own).

  3. Oh Lorna, I love how she’s like the den mother of all the girls on blue shift.

    I like that Kate is making this new life for herself, but that wedding announcement is going to be bad news when the cop sees it and recognizes her.

    So many feelings about that scene in the locker room with Kate and Betty and then when Theresa says goodbye.

  4. FINALLY Kate and Betty get some proper scenes together, but just to be clear: still not enough screentime. Instead we get the worst spy storyline ever that no body cares about. Oh, and Marco being a fascist? Just saying. If they want a season 3 this may not be the smartest move.

    Anyway. What did Kate really mean when she said “I know you too” to Betty? She knew Teresa and Betty was a thing so why did she say that when she clearly knows she doesn’t know Betty like Teresa does?

    Also, I love that she looks really troubled for a slight second when Betty tells her she doesn’t know her like that. Yeah I could analyze this scene for a week. I have no problem with that – it’s a very sweet scene.

  5. I was reading along and when it got to

    “which I guess is where you arm wrestle and roll around in tubs of marinara sauce”

    I had a flashback to adventures in kiddie pool creamed corn wrestling, and so naturally I read the rest of the sentence as

    “and encourage each other to join a fisting group.”

  6. The Gladys captions were amazing. British Helo is sketch as fuck so I hope they reveal soon what the hell his deal is because I do not buy that he is a a British spy dude.

    Also – Kate telling Betty that God didn’t put anyone on earth to be lonely made me cry, so the McBond goodbye just had me bawling. Jesus Christ, I’m tearing up thinking about it. This show.

  7. i laughed so many times

    also you guys, KATE IS TOTALLY U-HAULING IT. i mean, mcandrews aside, this is crazytown! unless this is like downton abbey where every scene takes place three months after the last scene, kate is getting married to a guy she has been dating for approximately ten minutes and it is driving me crazy that nobody has pointed it out yet. i mean it’s crazy for so many reasons but that’s a big one. i realize that on TV people don’t have to date for like four years before getting married, but seriously they’ve been dating for 15 minutes max. Also I don’t think you can be happy with somebody you’re lying to about things, but I think the idea that 100% honesty is necessary for a happy relationship is probs gay and also relatively modern.

    She’s gonna lie for the rest of her life? I guess she was already planning on lying for the rest of her life about HER DEEP LOVE FOR BETTY MCRAE

    • I think that they have been dating for a couple months, actually, because time does move fast on this show. They started dating at the beginning of spring I think and now it is fall. Also, did people get married quicker in the 40s? Maybe this is a thing, idk. Nonetheless, I still think it is too soon for those two, and that they shouldn’t marry regardless of how long they’ve been dating.

  8. This recap was hilarious :D

    Also I’m really not sure I understand why Gladys is siding with Agent Ballard over her friends. I guess maybe it’s the idea that she’s doing what she thinks will help her friends best which will, once again, screw them over in the end. But I really don’t get it.

  9. Every time Betty makes one of those vulnerable, I’m-trying-to-be-tough-but-I-just-need-someone-to-love-me faces, I die a little bit inside. Also, just her facial expressions in general. She makes me swoon a million times each show.

  10. Just watched all of season 1 on netflix and I’m in LOVE with this show. Can anyone help a girl out with methods of watching season 2 online in the US? It’s killing me that there are more episodes and I can’t watch them!

  11. “Bomb Girls: the little show that can and will destroy your heart, and you will be happy to have your heart decimated.”
    Couldn’t have said it better myself. As usual, an awesome fantastic recap for a fantastic show!

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