Is There a Chill Way To Tell Your Girlfriend They Smell Bad?

What should I say? When should I say it??

Q

My girlfriend (they/them) and I have been dating for a few months now and it is a LDR – one of us lives in the U.S. and the other in Europe. It has been going amazingly well and we have been able to visit each other for a few days every month. I see a beautiful future with them and I’m excited to figure it out.

There is one problem though that I can’t figure out what to do. About half the time we have sex or get naked, something smells bad. At first I thought it was their butt but now I’m thinking it’s their vagina? It’s just… a pretty bad, foul odor. And it is preventing me from wanting to eat them out or stick my face in their groin (which are things I normally want to do when there’s no odor!). My girlfriend has very good hygiene (showers every day or two), so I don’t know what’s up. I looked for explanations on Google but it came up empty, just listing potential illnesses. Maybe they need to see their OBGYN? Could it be it’s a side effect of their current medications? But what if the problem is me and it’s one of those things where our bodies are not compatible? But kissing them tastes good and I like how their sweat smells, so that’s a good sign, right?

We have very good, open communication with one another but this is something where I know they will feel really embarrassed about, so when I talk to them about it, I want to do it in the best way possible. What should I say? And when should I say it? Should I wait to talk about it in person the next time I smell something off? Thank you for the help!

A

Riese: Okay, I am not a doctor!!! But someone asked me something like this on formspring well over a decade ago (we used to give advice on autostraddle tumblr via formspring!) and I was like, listen I think your girlfriend has BV. You can have BV for a really long time without any symptoms besides a bad smell. And I did say then, as I am saying now, that I am not a doctor, but that the girlfriend should maybe see a doctor because she might have BV. And the question-asker wrote back a few weeks later and said “you were right! She had BV!” So I do actually think maybe your girlfriend should see a doctor ‘cause maybe they do have BV. It’s really easy to get and not a big deal. (I’ve gotten it a few times when starting a relationship with a new sex partner, which is apparently relatively common.) I would wait to talk to them about it until you’re in person. I’m not sure how to tell her, what the best way to tell her would be… hopefully someone else does.

Summer: It sounds like you’ve isolated the source of the odor down to something specific, and not their general bodily scent. Everyone has a scent and sure, we often find ones that don’t match our tastes. But you like your girlfriend’s sweat and other scents, so I think this is a more localized thing. More to the point, it may very well be something vaginal. Bringing it up won’t be easy, but I think it’s worth a shot rather than suffer for the rest of your life.

How to approach it? In private. In person (unless you two are way better with online communication). Have the talk when neither of you are in a stressful or sad place. This has to be an honest sit-down talk. You’ll need to indicate to them that this will be a serious and possibly unpleasant conversation. This isn’t casual chat and they deserve a moment to mentally prepare for some bad news. After that? Be direct about your concerns and how they affect you. Always reassure them that this is not a slight against their hygiene and bring up the possibility that it may be medical, like a pH imbalance in the vagina. Be prepared to offer comfort and support to them no matter what. Approach the topic with care and make sure they know that it’s about you working together to address something, not a matter of correcting their body, or something similarly horrible.

And… good luck.

Ah, the special hell of video calls and body dysmorphia 🫠

Q

I have REALLY bad Body Dysmorphic Disorder and just started a new job where I am on zoom calls all the time, hating myself. Is it too obvious if I set the blurring filters really high? Do people judge each other for that or do they notice? Any ideas at all anybody has for coping with this would be so helpful! Thank you for this and for everything that you do.

A

Summer: This one is really rough. I’ve got countless body image difficulties and I know how awful it is to be required to display yourself in a context you don’t want to. For a long time. Via a particularly unflattering medium. My suggestions to you are two-pronged.

Firstly, the band-aid: if you have a supervisor, you can notify them that for mental health reasons, it would be highly preferable if you weren’t always on camera. If they’re accommodating, they should let you just attend via a profile pic or even as some default avatar. That should go a long way to alleviating the stress of being watched. I used to do it entirely unprompted. They’re paying me for my presence, not for a show. I don’t know how your workplace would handle that request, but a good one should be willing to accommodate. This is advocating for yourself and it’s critical to healthy work-sanity balance.

Secondly, if your BDD is that serious, then it’s worth addressing. Secure therapy or a similar outlet if you can. Find supportive, moderated communities and participate in them. Resist daily. It unfortunately won’t improve without your input and exposing yourself to stressful work environments that set these feelings off can only make it worse. If you have avenues to support yourself, please take them.

Lastly… do people judge each other over their Zoom presence? I’d say most people don’t, and I’m pretty antsy about personal image. Most places that use Zoom calls know that it’ll be unflattering. Working from home often means a lower standard of personal presentation. Calls can catch people in awkward timezones or at night, when the lighting is ass. Everyone who has used an app like that has seen an unflattering image of someone and continued working because that’s the nature of the work. If people stopped to gawk at other Zoom users’ video presence, no work would get done. Are there people who will judge? Yeah. But good people don’t. So ignore the ones who do, and ignore the possibility that they exist if you can.

Valerie: First of all, please know that everyone else is also mostly only looking at themselves and not you, if that helps you at all, regardless of how clear or blurry your image is. That said, for practical advice; the first one is dependent on the type of meetings you’re in, the second is possible no matter where you work. One:I highly recommend getting permission to be off-camera if possible. At the start of the pandemic, I told my boss my internet wasn’t strong enough to support me being on camera since my roommate and I were both working from home, and while at first that was true, eventually I upgraded my internet and my roommate moved out but I still stayed off-camera unless it was a one-on-one call and my boss was fine with it. Two: If that’s not something that’s possible for you, something I also have done when it was a camera-required situation is put a post-it note over my own face on the screen. So everyone else could see me but I couldn’t see myself. It helped me stop fixating on my own appearance and actually just listen and be present in the meeting. We as humans weren’t made to look at ourselves for such a long period of time, so protect your peace however you have to!

Nico: This can be tough, especially if you have a boss who demands that you be present on camera. I’ve definitely been in that situation, and so you have to, no matter how you’re feeling about how you look that day, show up on camera for calls. If your work is accommodating, then you can definitely ask for an accommodation. If you don’t have that kind of relationship with them, though, then I would advise being careful about revealing any mental health diagnosis that could be used against you in the future, so it’s definitely a choice you need to weigh. That said, I think it’s fine to use the blurring filters. I doubt anyone will ask you about it, and it would be rude of them if they did!

Riese: In this current political climate I would not necessarily recommend talking to your boss about it as a first line of action— but I would amp up the blurring filters! I don’t think anybody would notice, I’ve literally never thought about it when I’m on calls with others. Also my wife’s office is super dark so she got this like, backlight that she clips on over her computer screen? It’s not like a ring light, but I think it could be nice looking into. I like Valerie’s post-it note idea too. If you’re using zoom there’s an option also to turn off your self-view, I usually do that when in a zoom meeting. Other people can see you but you can’t see yourself.

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3 Comments

  1. L1: BV BV BV!!!!!!!!! IT REALLY COULD BE BV Like Riese I also am not a doctor but it sounds exactly like my life for like 15 years while every doctor refused to do any testing until I moved to a country where preventative healthcare exists, one gyno did a regular swab and was like “you have BV” and after the gentlest easiest antibiotics ever I have since been UN-SMELLY. LIKE MAGIC. If you want to bring this up in a way that will not make your gf feel self conscious and terrible any more than they need to, might I suggest saying not that they smell BAD but that they smell STRONG? And just tell them that your online friend Pallas had the same problem and was very very happy to have it checked out by a doctor.

    L2 seconding everybody saying that your coworkers are probably not looking at you at all. I also Zoom a lot for work and constantly seeing myself stresses me out and a lot of the time I solve this by making it so my video is on (can’t be off in my line of work) but I disable myself being able to see it. There is a setting for this in Zoom!!! I don’t remember what it’s called. Disable self-view, maybe? Either way it might be helpful in just being able to focus on everyone else (who, again, are only looking at themselves most likely).

  2. L1: I wonder if saying that your noticing a “different” smell rather than leading with it being a bad smell would feel easier for you and your gf. You said about half the time you notice it, so it’s sort of true! And “different” is easy to lead into “so something might be off, I bet it’s BV”

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This Is the Best Season of ‘Hacks’

While watching last night’s episode of Hacks for the third time (I have a problem!), I found myself thinking: This is the best season of the series so far.

And it has achieved this against all odds. I’ve been writing about this all season, but it shouldn’t work so well when the series basically repeats the same arc for Deborah/Ava in a loop over and over again. And yet, it does. It shouldn’t be so laugh-out-loud funny when so many of its humorous setups don’t really follow the structure of jokes. And yet, it is. I’ve never laughed so hard at a show for the simple reason of line delivery before. But sitting inside that reaction is the core of what makes Hacks so effective on both its humor and emotional fronts: The writing, direction, and performances are so perfectly in-sync, the series helmed by a trio of showrunners (Lucia Aniello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky, my freaky-funny Holy Trinity) who deeply understand the strengths of their actors. It’s one thing to have a talented cast; plenty of shows do. But like coaches who know exactly what configuration to place their players in in a game of basketball, the creative team behind the cast here knows exactly how to best use those talents.

This penultimate episode of the season — “A Slippery Slope”, written by the holy trinity and directed by Lucia Aniello — would not stick the landing on its final plot twist if that were not the case. It’s one of the best executed plot twists I’ve seen on television in a while, especially because it feels so earned. Yes, the episode overtly manipulates viewers’ expectations, but not in a way that feels like we’re being talked down to. Because ultimately, we believe the episode is going to go a different way because Ava believes it and has every reason to.

Ava accidentally puts herself in hot water when she slips to her former coworker at On the Contrary that the network — Deborah’s sometimes-lover Bob Lipka, to be precise — forced the show to cut a joke Deborah made at sex pest Ethan Summers’ expense. Ava was already critical of Ethan coming on the show, but Deborah pushed for it because she was pressured by Bob, and she knows how the game works. If a studio head tells you to do something, you do it. Plus, she just used her personal sway with Bob to get Winnie fired. She was perfectly content using her power to hurt someone else when it worked in her favor; when Bob turns the tables on her, it’s a reminder that none of these power moves happen in a vacuum. Deborah’s complicit in the harm this industry actively encourages.

Ava tries to get the story buried, but it doesn’t work, and Bob tells Deborah outright she has to fire Ava. Here’s where Hacks plays its sleight of hand trick. Deborah sends Ava to cover the Oscars red carpet, but when Ava gets there she and her crew aren’t on the list. She runs into Winnie, who reveals Deborah got her fired. When Ava gets stuck in traffic on the way back to the studio and realizes she might miss the taping, the gears start turning. She thinks she’s next. She thinks Deborah has done to her what she did to Winnie. When her badge doesn’t work at the lot entrance, it only solidifies this outcome in her mind.

But then, Deborah walks out onto stage. She thanks her writers, her crew, her plastic surgeon. And then she says none of this would be possible without Ava, without her head writer who she has been asked to fire by the studio head. In front of a live studio audience and on national television, Deborah declares Ava is not only her creative partner but someone who she loves. She criticizes the industry, even while acknowledging she knows it’s a business, knows her place in it, knows her complicity. It’s a tricky balance to pull off; Deborah is never going to be a full-on hero, but she doesn’t have to be in order to land a big emotional moment like this and have it still feel earned and realistic. She was willing to compromise and make sacrifices to an extent, but she sees the slippery slope, and she knows none of this dream is possible without Ava.

Deborah Vance saying "And now I'm being asked to fire someone I love

Their reunion at episode’s end feels every bit as high-stakes emotionally as a rom-com reunion. Deborah confesses she had to lock her off the lot in order to stop her from stopping her. If Ava had known her plan, she would have talked her out of it. On a lesser show, this would all feel like explaining the magic trick so to speak, exposition for the sake of justifying the misdirect. But since it’s rooted so strongly in believable character motivation and relationship dynamics, it avoids feeling cheap. This is just simply a super well executed misdirect and plot twist.

Jimmy and Kayla’s arc in the episode actually maps pretty well onto this central storyline, too, even if it’s markedly tonally different. Shit finally hits the fan for real with Dance Mom, and Jimmy has to go above and beyond to show just how good of a manager he is, all the while still dismissed by everyone around him, which finally prompts Kayla to advocate for him and admonish Deborah and Ava for their mistreatment in a monologue Meg Stalter delivers so hilariously. Again, it’s catered to her strengths. Like Deborah and Ava, Kayla and Jimmy keep choosing each other over and over again, even as they so often don’t see eye to eye. Hacks is about complicated partnership. It’s about doing great work with someone you sometimes want to push off a cliff.

This season starts with Ava making a huge power play against Deborah. Now, Deborah makes a huge power play to save her, giving up the show. That’s a huge turn for a show to pull off in the span of eight half-ish hour episodes, but Hacks does it well, with big emotional swings along the way. Deborah’s monologue doesn’t just coast by on the talents of Jean Smart alone. Everything from the sound cues to the direction and writing makes it shine and situates it within the emotional arc of the entire season.

Deborah is going to have to pay a steep price for this huge risk she took, as Bob reminds her of her non-compete clause. Even if she’s not doing the show, the studio owns her. She quite literally has burned it all down. But she has Ava to walk through the ashes with. It wouldn’t be the first time either of them has had to start completely over. The creative life and a career in an industry as unstable as Hollywood is full of restarts. With that embedded into its premise, Hacks gets away with restarting the story again and again.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1028 articles for us.

3 Comments

  2. I’m going to start crying again but I’m also so touched that even if this Deborah Vance live TV moment is total wish-fulfillment the writers of Hacks are doing the closest thing THEY can to the real-world version of it by bringing the dire state of the industry into the show itself. And not just as a joke, but in a way that’s really poignant and holds the desperation people are feeling.

    Anyway, I texted this to you but also I did already start crying when Winnie said she got her start PAing for Terrence Malick and then was fully sobbing at Deborah and Ava’s reunion. Which, yes, is partially due to, ya know, the world, but also was because of how good the show is.

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What Is Consensual Non-Consent Kink?

Sexual fantasies that mimic sexual violence are everywhere. The road to modern romantic fiction was paved by ‘bodice-ripper‘ fiction. I grew up seeing cartoon villains leering at tied-up heroines before being halted by the hero of the day. I’m grown-up now. I’m both a victim of sexual violence and I’ve worked in sexual violence advocacy, so I’m especially sensitive to it when I see it.

It’s everywhere.

Our social awareness has evolved to the point where sexual violence is no longer the defining story arc of romance fiction. Cartoons don’t get away with what they used to either. This fantasy has moved online. Fanfiction predominantly written by and for women depicts fictionalized sexual violence as both heinous and titillating — sometimes in the same story. Porn is replete with it. Any pornographic fantasy containing imbalanced power dynamics or workplace sexual advances leans on questionable consent. Fitness coaches and reluctant trainees. The lambasted tale of a housewife paying a blue-collar contractor with sex. Age gap affairs with newly legal companions. There’s also the eye-rolling stuck subgenre that gets pushed to my PornHub recommendations despite my efforts to remove it.

Fictionalized sexual violence is also a hallmark of the precious, beautiful world of kink. I think there’s a reasonable argument to be made that any sexual fantasy with an unequal power dynamic or physical restraint is a fantasy of non-consent.The word ‘no’ doesn’t have to be present for it to be non-consent. We’re surely aware that consent isn’t just ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Forced orgasms, physical restraints, and firm instructions with a strong or else subtext can count, too.

Overt and covert themes of boundary pushing, coercion, and power imbalance are one of the cornerstones of sexual media. That’s not always a good thing, since it’s not paid with an equal focus on teaching the difference between fiction and reality.

Character is who we are in the shadows

I’m definitely not alone with this kink. An oft-cited paper found that more than half the sample of college-aged women had rape fantasies of some kind. The mixed-gender sample in a more recent paper found a 77% prevalence of ‘aggression-related sexual fantasies’ at least once in a person’s lifetime. Research is understandably scarce, and most of what exists is focused on crime and the correlation between violent sexual fantasies and criminal offenses. And while that work is important, it leaves out the majority of people who dabble in these fantasies without being sex offenders. Especially those of us who play the victim’s role in fantasy.

I’m never surprised by figures pointing to the popularity of sexual fantasies featuring non-consent or violence. Given the way sexual interest is structured, I’d be more surprised if society was full of people who didn’t daydream about it occasionally. Bear with me, but we’re immersed in news and stories of sexual violence. Many of us are first introduced to sexual activity via assault and become sexual beings alongside those experiences. On the other hand, the CNC kink itself is under-discussed and carries a weighty taboo. Aspects leak into mainstream sexual content, and kink is widely enjoyed for its taboo, risk, and power plays. This is the perfect environment for a kink to develop.

The forbidden quality of CNC that makes it appealing are also its damnation. Adult sex ed is finally ready to face the idea that sex should be very enjoyable. People willing to talk about more disquieting fantasies are few and far between. In the absence of useful explainers, I’ll take a bite out of the topic.

Taboo daydreams for those who want it

Consensual non-consent (CNC) is an umbrella term for fantasies and sex acts that mimic dubious or otherwise compromised consent. The defining characteristic of CNC is that it’s consensual. It can only occur between capable adults, usually with pre-negotiation. As with any sex act, any boundary violation immediately pushes it into sexual assault territory.

Consensual non-consent is diverse and yes, it does include prepared partners acting out violent sexual assault. It’s not limited to that, though. Other scenarios where consent is imperiled also fall under the umbrella: fantasies of reluctance, imbalanced power dynamics, physical or mental restraint, and inebriation, to name a few.

What consensual non-consent isn’t

CNC is not a cover for abuse. Regrettably, abusers sometimes use CNC or other forms of ‘rough sex’ to obfuscate violence. Like all sex, CNC should be practiced with consent, clarity, and the well-being of all involved. It’s good practice to set the bar for consent higher than normal since the harm that happens if things go wrong can be far more devastating.

Despite the fact that some people (this author included) find kink and CNC cathartic in the wake of sexual violence, it’s no substitute for therapy and social support. This is triply true for people who haven’t processed their trauma but experience hypersexuality or recklessness as a trauma response. Testing out an emotionally risky activity is a terrible idea when we’re vulnerable.

Lastly, CNC isn’t for everyone. If a few small sample studies are to be believed, most people have a violent sexual fantasy in their lives, but isolated incidents don’t equal serious interest. Most people who indulge in CNC-adjacent fantasies via mainstream porn and erotica don’t reach the point of calling their interest consensual non-consent. Even those of us with an avowed interest might avoid the r-word in our fantasies or leave simulated physical violence at the door. CNC is a nebulous, multilayered kink. Everyone who’s interested has very strong opinions about what they want out of it.

The shape of one woman’s consensual non-consent fantasies

In the spirit of keeping it real, I’ll describe my relationship with consensual non-consent.

I learned the term in my twenties and instantly connected it to my interest in BDSM. I’m a switch with submissive leanings. I love restraints, commands, and a sense of ‘ownership’. Learning about CNC didn’t change my existing interests, but it helped me see just how much BDSM draws from taboo, discomfort, and power exchange. Impact play is inherently violent. Restraints inhibit resistance. Pain should not be this fun, but here we are. So many kinky activities are only differentiated from grotesque violence by consent and context. For a lot of us, that’s a win.

My relationship with CNC has evolved as I’ve recovered from trauma (sexual and otherwise). I don’t crave physical violence with sex, but I’m always keen to enjoy the interpersonal dynamic. See, CNC is a vehicle for my trust. I’m an anxious and tightly wound person, but once I trust someone, I lower my boundaries and give them access. My version of CNC is letting a partner do as they want without bothering with my pesky ‘input’ or ‘agency’. I ask them to call me dreadful, degrading things while I enjoy every iota of rough handling. I love the feeling of giving myself over to someone I trust. I extend that privilege with the subtext of anything you want.

It’s not even subtext anymore. One of my tattoos follows the curve of my breast. It says ‘Good girl‘. I recently added ‘Stupid slut‘ and a brace of flowers to my hips. That one tastefully flows down my pubis. These unsubtle nods to sexual submission and degradation are needled into someone with a very strict ‘my body, my choice’ approach to life. That’s how consensual non-consent works in my life. Trauma and difficult taboos interleaved with the primacy of my personal agency. Trust and carefree enjoyment. Respect and comfort.

And not a ski mask or comical fake kitchen knife in sight.

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Summer Tao

Summer Tao is a South Africa based writer. She has a fondness for queer relationships, sexuality and news. Her love for plush cats, and video games is only exceeded by the joy of being her bright, transgender self

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These Queers Saw the TV Glow

It’s been over a year since I Saw the TV Glow premiered at Sundance to the delight of the precious few trans critics and audience members (and a pleasantly surprising number of cis critics) that had the chance to experience it. Once it hit theaters everywhere thanks to A24 in May 2024 audiences fell for the film, often finding themselves relating to its protagonists and their plights. Many reacted with hope as much as horror, as they tried to process the feelings they were forced to confront about their own lives. Much like Owen, they were forced to tear their chest open and see what was inside. Director Jane Schoenbrun even noted a fascinating (and sometimes heartbreaking) trend on TikTok where people posted that they “saw the tv glow” and either heeded that call or reverted to a life of internal pain.

My own experience of I Saw the TV Glow occurred completely alone at a press screening with no one around to listen to my pained cries in the film’s final moments. I didn’t realize it then, but I was blessed to be alone in that moment, able to reflect on exactly why the film’s content hit me as hard as it did. I was like Owen, knowing that there was something “inside of me” (however corny and reductive that might sound) that I was ignoring for the sake of being comfortably numb. For years I’d identified as non-binary and used “they/them” pronouns, but I always felt some level of discomfort at extending that to being “trans”, in part because I never felt like whatever I was doing was enough.

I’ve joked in the past that I Saw the TV Glow is a trans take on being “scared straight” but that is exactly what the film did for me. Within days of watching, I had already sent an email to a doctor I’d consulted on trans healthcare just once, begging for another check-in and a discussion about how to kickstart a HRT plan that suited my needs. Perhaps it’s stupid to think about transition in any measurable capacity, especially when TV Glow doesn’t bother qualifying what is or isn’t enough to be trans, but I wanted something concrete-ish. It was then I restarted estrogen (and tried but bailed on spiro) and I haven’t looked back since, frequently texting other trans friends about all the fulfilling (and also all the deeply stupid) things that came with diving back in.

Watching Stress Positions, another Sundance movie from last year amusingly enough, both complemented the decision prompted by my TV Glow horror and described what my feelings on medical transition had evolved into: “I wanted to kill myself, and this sort of helped.”

It’s a dark joke, but one that rings true to my own experiences as trans. Even as the world continues to crumble around my community with laws being enacted to harm us, and every day offers a new reason to curl up in bed and want to stop writing, I can’t say I regret the last year of taking estradiol and experiencing all sorts of physical and emotional changes. The first time I had a doctor’s appointment, years ago, I was too scared of the world to actually go through with anything, but because of I Saw the TV Glow that mindset shifted. Now I was too scared of emptiness and stasis not to go through with anything.

In reflecting on my own situation, and witnessing Jane Schoenbrun’s call for stories from others who had been impacted by the film, I wondered how many others had undergone their own HRT journeys because of I Saw the TV Glow. In putting out my own call, I received plenty of folks who were willing and interested in sharing their stories, and what was revealed was a diverse collection of reactions to the film, its visuals, and its characters.

Stef Rubino, another Autostraddle writer, was one of the first to reach out, noting that they were “actively avoiding [TV Glow] for a while because I was afraid of how it would make me feel” and finally watched it “because I was tired of being a coward.”

“What really got me about I Saw the TV Glow was the way Owen was constantly searching for a model of how and who to be in all of the women he allowed into his life. I know for certain I’ve done that in regards to good masculine examples for myself because I was socialized feminine yet I feel like I’m always floating in a void between femininity and masculinity. I needed to find a balance and that’s where my own search came in. Owen’s desperation in searching for an answer through those models reminded me a lot of my young self and that brought me back to those feelings. I just wanted to be ME without constraint but I didn’t really know what that meant for a long time and it was painful to not have anyone showing me a path forward.”

For many, Owen’s journey was a point of fixation, with various trans people I interviewed citing a number of their scenes – slicing open their chest to reveal the television, dissociating in front of the fire or television, being drowned by their father, smiling while wearing a dress – as those that had a distinct impact. The list is endless, and varied, with some people, like J, a trans woman in her late twenties who wanted to go unnamed beyond an initial for this piece, noting that “the movie started resembling my own life to an uncomfortable degree and I was silently breaking down for the last 70 minutes.”

She continues by reflecting on that more, explaining how her own life was mirrored by the film: “When it was over I dried my face off, gave the film a big thumbs up, then went downstairs to open the movie theater for a kid’s birthday party. I was on track for HRT the next day.”

This is just one of the routes that we can imagine Owen taking at the end of the film, with the other being retreating back into themself. Much like many of us were in denial for a long time, J adds, “I had already known I was trans for 7½ years and had repressed those feelings for that entire time. The movie sends a very unambiguous message on that front.”

Others, like a Black transfem named Jayla, noted that “even as someone who had been medically transitioning years prior and had a similar life to Owen, I found myself leaving the theater feeling closer to Maddy/Tara.” Having gone with her girlfriend at the time to see the film, the two “had a conversation similar to when Maddy wanted to leave with Owen about leaving where we were in Orlando. I had been homeless at the time after leaving a family that didn’t approve and lost my access to HRT for awhile, it was hard being socially and medically transitioned way before and still being and feeling degraded living in Florida. I wanted to leave with her, but she couldn’t.”

“She had her own responsibilities understandably enough while I practically had a clean slate after that and just not being able to finish school. Maddy’s character did connect with me, especially imagining what they went through off screen and past Owen/Isabel not leaving with them, the pain and isolation that comes knowing your own hometown has nothing else left for you other than the person you care for. I did eventually leave Florida for Philadelphia, and while I’m doing better and feeling more myself here, it pains me having left someone I loved behind.”

Community, then, became what was important for Jayla: “Before I left I found a way to secure months worth of HRT, got into PA, stockpiled more, and found more trans people to commune with and not hide myself from. I’ve been unapologetically myself, even if it’s to the detriment of finding work here, but I live with people like me and I still get to do what I love, writing with some other queers in Philly to actually tell more of our stories. Very much wanted to be a part of telling my and others stories, and I’m happy being able to find that here.”

It was interesting hearing from people who had been out and medically transitioning for years, like Roxy, who described the aftermath of watching TV Glow as too shocking to “have much of an emotional response that first time” barely able to “explain the feelings I had to friends I saw immediately after.” Her second viewing held a different weight though, settling in the terror that she still felt like Owen, “that I was lost and aimless and unaccepting of myself despite the fact that I knew I was a trans woman and if I didn’t change that as soon as possible I would end up like Owen does at the end, and maybe I already did feel like that.”

This second viewing kickstarted what she refers to as her “second transition” and she didn’t “waste any time in trying to self actualize to a more active degree. I dyed my hair blue, started voice lessons in earnest, tried to get an assessment done to see if I had ADHD, started clearing my wardrobe out and buying more flattering and feminine clothing, really getting into learning makeup, and restarting progesterone. Maybe the most significant physical change I made was switching from estrogen pills to injections; within a week or two my head felt clearer than it had my entire life and I got those feelings of euphoria and rightness that a lot of trans people describe what finally having the correct hormones in themselves feels like (and I frequently worried before this that, because I didn’t have that, maybe I wasn’t really trans).”

“I was able to work through a lot of personal hang ups and issues regarding my sexual identity, what I wanted in life, who I wanted to be, basically every facet of myself. It also allowed me to be really proud and happy to specifically be trans, a trans woman, a fact that I find to be beautiful and powerful now instead of anxiety inducing and scary. To say that it has been transformative is an understatement — I feel like a complete person for the first time in my life, and while a lot of the consequences of this self actualizing haven’t all been positive, I think that the kick this movie gave me was one of the most pivotal things that has ever happened to me.”

Every single person interviewed navigated the aftermath of TV Glow differently and Blair Bishop, a trans writer, seemed grateful to have the film to navigate a number of feelings and life events as her feelings changed over time. “Before the film, I was presenting myself as — and identifying as — non-binary, and although I saw myself as wholly androgynous at first, I was offering more and more feminine articles to my clothing and aesthetic. The first two weeks after I saw it left me with a more fond appreciation for the people I surrounded myself with, the journeys they’ve taken to present themselves as they are, and any hint of honesty and humanity behind it was felt and promptly respected. Didn’t matter if it was my dad, my siblings, or a drunken conversation in the bar afterwards, it just helped me hone in on how to see that, and thus, myself. Once I sank into that social feeling, I fell out and lost what I saw in myself for a while.”

“Originally I wasn’t sure how to contend with these feelings. That was until shortly after I watched the film, I was given news that my mom was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. It struck me in the jaw like a bean bag round, as I immediately saw Isabel conversing with her mother. The fear of God kinda got put into me, and I saw it as the biggest fucking signpost readily available by whatever cruel bastard considers themselves fate, and while my mom stated that she’d be fine before long — chemo would only take so many months and she’d be back to herself — I couldn’t see that. It sounded like ‘mom talk’ and the worst case scenario always rings around in my head.”

“After the initial news struck me, I slumped over to the mirror for the first time in a while and said, ‘This isn’t me.’ Because it wasn’t. What I originally saw in my identity suddenly felt like a band-aid as I contested with the possibility that there was still something in there that wanted to crawl out, from the throat, born anew. Once I told my mom and my boyfriend, those two pillars of support were all I needed to explore my options and change myself for the better. On January 11th of this year, I took my first estrogen injection and the fear hasn’t returned since.”

The more time that continues to pass and the more stories that I hear from others, including friends who have come to the film later and then sprinted out for tattoos that feel representative of their identity more than the film, the more I realize that we’re all navigating the same general issues just in vastly different ways. Rubino – who has largely considered the social aspect of transitioning so easygoing in the past but has found themselves thinking about what they really want (“mainly, top surgery and a very low dose of T”) constantly these days – even extends their navigation of identity beyond transness and into their other communities.

“I’m definitely in community with a few people who have had similar experiences as me and are in different places in regards to how they’re transitioning and why. But I’m also in community with a lot of people who couldn’t be further from those experiences and support me unequivocally anyways. Weirdly enough, I’ve also found that a lot of the men I powerlift with have their own body and gender struggles that kind of serve as weird common ground for us. We understand each other in ways I couldn’t have predicted because yeah, being in a body and living in a society that wants to dictate what that body does and how it looks is just fucking torture for everyone. And I’ll keep it real for a second: There is some overlap with the pain of dysphoria I feel and the pain of dysmorphia they experience. It’s become a common language between us, and I feel like we’ve learned a lot from each other as well as given each other the care we need to keep moving forward.”

That such a small pool of individuals held so many different yet powerful reactions to I Saw the TV Glow is nothing short of beautiful to me. One can only wonder how many more lives a film like this has and will change, how many more questions might come up because of it, and how many more eggs will be cracked. We’re blessed this isn’t the only recent trans film, with a wealth of filmmakers putting their dreams and lives on screen for us to experience, but I find myself thankful that this film came to me (and others) at the exact time we needed.

I Saw the TV Glow is streaming on HBO Max.

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Juan Barquin

Juan Barquin is a queer Miami-based writer and programmer who aspires to be Bridget Jones.

Juan has written 6 articles for us.

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An Explicitly Anti-Fascist, Queer TV Series Became the Best ‘Star Wars’ in Decades

In three tense and gripping episodes, Andor closes out its second and final season and, while it’s not without its rough patches, I can confidently say by the series’ close that showrunner Tony Gilroy has crafted the best Star Wars of the 21st century and an essential work of anti-fascist television.

For one final time, Andor jumps forward another year. Invigorated by senator Mon Mothma’s defection, the fledgling rebel base on Yavin IV has evolved into a bustling and disciplined military operation, and Cassian has settled into a new routine with his new droid compatriot, K-2SO (Alan Tudyk). However, the future of the rebellion is put into jeopardy when a mole placed inside the Imperial Security Bureau reveals to Luthen Rael that he’s uncovered evidence of a top-secret weapon development program of terrifying magnitude. Even worse, Dedra Meero has finally uncovered Luthen’s civilian identity and is preparing to arrest him and raid his base of operations on Coruscant. Together, Luthen and his assistant Kleya rush to cover their tracks and get the message off planet before it’s too late.

For a finale story arc in a Star Wars show, Andor’s final three-episode-run (“Make It Stop,” “Who Else Knows,” and “Jedha, Kyber, Erso”) feels remarkably restrained. Sure, there are tense hallway shoot outs, exploding speeders, and a seven foot tall droid slapping around ISB agents like they’re ragdolls, but Andor keeps its focus tight and centered on theme and character over spectacle or flashy reveals. “Make It Stop” may finally give us a peak behind the curtain on the origin of Kleya and Luthen’s partnership, but the answers are limited by circumstance and perspective. We gain a slightly better understanding of who the embattled rebel spy master is, but we don’t learn everything. Episodic writer Tom Bissell and Gilroy keep Luthen something of an enigma, which feels fitting. Even his eventual death feels atypically quiet for a Star Wars project. Rather than going out in a blaze of glory or noble sacrifice, Luthen subtly slits his wrists during his arrest before finally being silently euthanized in an Imperial hospital by an infiltrating Kleya. Andor is a show that exists within the shadows and bureaucratic margins of the Star Wars universe. Almost every major character death this season has been marked by lack of drama and agency on the part of the fallen. That’s not how wars like this work. Our cast of characters aren’t Jedi, Sith, or even ace pilots or heroic smugglers. They’re civilians caught up in galactic conflict or spies doing the dirty work our normal heroes and villains wouldn’t. Andor never loses sight of that reality, even in its homestretch.

This approach is maybe most notable in how Andor’s finale wraps up the story arcs of its villains and, in the process, delivers a sharp critique of fascist systems that feels realistically hopeful even amid the violence and loss. Due to a clerical error, Dedra Meero was granted access to a series of top secret Imperial files that finally provide her enough information to initiate an arrest warrant for Luthen, or “Axis” as she’s referred to him for the last two seasons, but in the process also reveal the existence of the Death Star project and essential details on its production. It’s just enough data for Luthen’s mole in the agency to learn the truth and pass it along in the hours before his arrest. In the process, Meero unintentionally sets the rebellion on the trail of the Death Star that will ultimately culminate in Luke Skywalker’s famous victory in A New Hope. Meero’s ambition dooms the Empire’s greatest weapon and sets into motion the series of events that will eventually topple Palpatine’s regime.

To twist the knife even further, by the time Meero has finally located Luthen’s operation, he’s no longer an essential asset to the rebellion, which has largely moved beyond him on Yavin. Meero has let her personal vendettas and career ambition cloud her judgement, and it’s for a mission that ultimately serves little purpose to the Empire other than to stroke her own ego. Her reward for her reckless treatment of Imperial intelligence is to be thrown into the very prison system she helped create back in season one. The Empire has no room for loyalty or forgiveness. Mistakes compound into disaster, and those higher in the Imperial food chain will find ways to punish those culpable below them.

Andor makes it very clear that Meero’s decision isn’t anomalous. The Empire, or any fascist government for that matter, is a system that thrives off ambition and paranoia. It rewards those that are willing to put their necks out on the line for the success of the system, but it also makes the consequences of failure abundantly clear. Everyone everywhere is looking out for themselves and only themselves. There is no trust or loyalty beyond a cynical pursuit of individual power within a system that ultimately cares little for the well-being of its members. Meero’s ambition is useful until it isn’t. She’s taunted and humiliatingly interrogated by Death Star project manager Orson Krennic, reminded that her dedication to the Imperial cause means nothing when the egos of those above her have been bruised. She and her ISB compatriots and overseers suffer quiet ends as they turn blasters on themselves behind closed doors or are shuffled away to unknown prisons to die in obscurity. And even the Imperial bigwigs like Krennic aren’t immune to this form of petty retribution. As Rogue One demonstrates, his own pet project is quickly stripped away from him by Grand Moff Tarkin as soon as it is politically useful. It’s just a violent scramble of crabs in a bucket. Only those at the top are given the freedom to keep climbing, even if they can’t fully escape.

In contrast, the rebellion plays at military discipline but it trusts its operatives enough to take risks. When Cassian, Melshi, and K-2SO go rogue and sneak off to Coruscant to rescue Kleya before she’s captured by the Empire, the rebellion warily accepts them back and is willing to hear them out despite their fears and misgivings. They’re cautious due to the nature of the conflict they fight in, but they also trust one another. There’s a marked difference between necessary paranoia driven by survival against incredible odds and paranoia driven by distrust, and that’s the final message that Andor leaves us with.

Leftist movements can’t afford to let our guards down, but we win by listening to and trusting one another. Fascist governments will always implode. The environment of corruption, narcissism, and distrust that they foster is not sustainable. Mistakes will be made and systems will crumble, and it’s the job of those fighting back to press that advantage and look out for one another in the process. In doing so, Andor, despite all the darkness that has preceded it over the past two seasons, sets the stage for a hopeful future as the Star Wars timeline moves directly forward into Rogue One and eventually the aptly subtitled 1977 original film.

That said, if Andor stumbles anywhere in its final moments, it’s in this series’ inescapable connection to Star Wars’ larger continuity. No matter how much Gilroy has injected this series with a sense of individual identity and purpose, a large amount of its narrative was always going to be resolved in Rogue One, an almost decade-old movie that’s, unfortunately, not that great. I know the film has a passionate fan base, and I’d hoped a post-Andor rewatch might improve my opinions, but I’m still as lukewarm on it as ever. Sure, I now view Cassian and a few scattered background characters with a lot more interest and affection, but this does little to improve the film’s awkwardly paced first two acts or make Jyn Erso a more interesting protagonist.

It’s the inevitable downside to any fictional universe that’s as sprawling and prolific as Star Wars. The good, the bad, and the mediocre are all inextricably tied to one another, and sometimes an A+ television series cannot completely escape the shadow of a B- movie. On a practical level, this simply means that a good chunk of Andor’s finale, “Jedha, Kyber, Erso” is committed to setting up the different moving parts of Rogue One rather than spending more time with its own characters and plot. The fact that Gilroy and his collaborators are able to craft a satisfying conclusion despite this is a testament to the quality storytelling across not only these three hours but the past two seasons.

Gays in Space

When we passed through the first two episodes of Andor’s final arc without even a cameo from Vel Sartha, I mentally prepared myself for the possibility that we’d get next to nothing from our resident space lesbian in the finale. There was so much narrative ground to cover in “Jedha, Kyber, Erso” that I just couldn’t see how Gilroy and co. could make room for a satisfying end for Vel. But! I was wrong!

Cassian and Vel have a unique bond in that they, by series end, are the only two survivors of the Aldhani heist that more or less served as the opening salvo of Luthen’s shadow war against the Empire. They were witnesses to what will end up being a pivotal moment in the war effort, and although the two butted heads throughout that particular mission, they’ve emerged from it as respecting comrades with shared history and trauma. It makes sense that not only would Vel’s cousin, Mon Mothma, seek her council in verifying the terrifying intel that Cassian brings back from Coruscant, but that the two of them would feel comfortable enough with one another to talk candidly about Luthen Rael’s last contribution to the Alliance. Vel already trusts her fellow rebel-in-arms and the would-be interrogation instead morphs into a wonderfully understated toast to their fallen comrades and loved ones, including her deceased partner Cinta Kaz.

I would’ve settled with Andor closing out Vel’s story with a quiet acknowledgement of her partner’s passing but, in keeping with the episode’s themes of looking forward to an uncertain but hopeful future, there’s more to her story to come. Shaken by Luthen’s death and her violent extraction from Coruscant, Kleya finds it difficult to imagine a future with the Yavin rebels, who have long left her and her mentor behind. Elizabeth Dulau does a wonderful job here of portraying Kleya’s exhaustion and grief, but also her genuine discomfort at the prospect of starting a new stage of her life. It’s not until Vel finds her wandering aimlessly through the rainforest at night that she begins to look at ease. Both women share a cup of tea, and Vel slowly coaxes Kleya into the idea that maybe she deserves to let her guard down a little and acknowledge that there are people here who care about her and will keep her safe. Faye Marsay and Dulau have an easy, quiet chemistry here that wonderfully undercuts the tense and often biting exchanges that the two fired at one another while under Luthen’s employ. It hints towards a less hostile, more trusting future for both of these women.

And maybe more? I know I’m reaching here, but, as some of you were quick to point out after the season premiere, Kleya absolutely flirts with, or at the very least suggestively teases, Vel during Leida’s wedding, a move which isn’t really shut down by either party. Andor has planted the seeds for a potentially more intimate relationship between the two in the months and years to come. And, while I am always hungry for more explicitly gay Star Wars, I think this hinting and uncertain ending for the two works. While I’m not sure if the audience or Vel as a character are fully ready for her to move on from Cinta, it gives me comfort to know she might find some companionship in Kleya down the line. Both women deserve some kind of comfort and respite after the sacrifices they’ve given to the rebellion. Regardless, Kleya feels safe enough with Vel to fall asleep in her bed, and that alone is gay enough to sustain me until Disney/Lucasfilm finally give me a lesbian space rebel spinoff series or at least a novel (or comic series or video game or animated anthology show or audio drama).

It feels like a small miracle that a show like Andor got to exist. An expensive as hell, explicitly anti-fascist, openly queer, and intelligently plotted spy thriller set in one of the biggest media franchises in history feels like it shouldn’t exist, but it did, and it was wonderful. I hope Disney, Lucasfilm, or really any other major studio picks up on the deservedly glowing reception this series has received over the past few years. IP-based media does not need only be mass-appeal entertainment. There is a hunger for smart, political stories told in familiar settings. I’m not entirely optimistic about the slate of Star Wars shows and films headed our way in the near future (the never-ending and oddly lifeless Mandalorian saga and a film directed by the artistic genius behind Free Guy and Deadpool and Wolverine), but hopefully lessons are learned, and examples are followed. Andor should be an inspiration to not only do better politically, but creatively as well. And if not, well, at least we’ll still have these two masterful seasons of television. That might just have to be enough.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Nic Anstett

Nic Anstett is a writer from Baltimore, MD who specializes in the bizarre, spectacular, and queer. She is a graduate from the Clarion Science Fiction and Fantasy Workshop, University of Oregon’s MFA program, and the Tin House Summer Workshop where she was a 2021 Scholar. Her work is published and forthcoming in Witness Magazine, Passages North, North American Review, Lightspeed, Bat City Review, Sycamore Review, and elsewhere. She currently lives in Annapolis, MD with her girlfriend and is at work on a collection of short stories and maybe a novel.

Nic has written 16 articles for us.

4 Comments

  1. I found the last episode a lot weaker and the final moment with the “mother of Andor’s” baby really made me angry. So i think Gilroy is a good antifashist, but a feminist he is not.

  2. I did kind of read the scene with Kleya and Vel on Chandrila early in the season as maybe implying that the two had a history of some sort. Depending on how far back Mon and Luthen went before Vel and Cinta met it’s not out of the question they may have had a brief thing at some point. Probably just me having my sapphic goggles on, but I’d love to see more of both of them going forward.

  4. Interestingly, no other reviewer picked up on the Vel Kleya ending, though it was quite obvious

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Sabrina Wu Felt Like Tom Cruise on the Set of ‘Murderbot’

Sabrina Wu feature images by Timothy A. Clary/AFP via Getty Images

Sabrina Wu is taking their range to the depths of space. The writer, actor, and comedian known for their roles in Joy Ride, Abbott Elementary, and Netflix’s Verified Stand-Up is now voyaging across the stars with a not-so-homicidal robot in the Apple TV+ sci-fi dark comedy series Murderbot.

The series centers on a group of eccentric research scientists on the PreservationAux who embark on an expedition with a service bot SecUnit (played by Alexander Skarsgård) programmed to protect. Instead it hacked its own system, gained self-control, and called itself Murderbot. But, it would much rather be carefree, watching its favorite TV shows, than killing anyone or providing support to the PreservationAux crew.

In the series, Wu plays Pin-Lee, a lawyer within the PreservationAux crew who is married to the team biologist Arada (Tattiawna Jones). Pin-Lee finds themselves in a contracted polycule with their wife and scientist Ratthi (Akshay Khanna) as they face off against treacherous creatures with the rest of their crew.

Following the two-episode series premiere on Apple TV+, Wu hopped on a Zoom call with me and chatted all things Muderbot. They discussed doing their first stunt, exploring their romantic side on-camera, and the advice Alexander Skarsgård gave them when homaging one of his iconic red carpet looks at the show’s world premiere.

Rendy: So please tell me how did you get involved with Murderbot? What interested you about this project from an actor’s perspective?

Sabrina: I got involved because I had actually worked with the production company Depth the Field before. I was in this FX pilot that they were putting together in 2022, and then the project didn’t go, but I still had a relationship with them and then they had me audition for Pin-Lee. But Apple is so secret. I had no idea what I was auditioning for, apart from just some kind of vague space lawyer is what they told me. And then once I got the role, I read the books and I was legit just blown away at how funny the books were. I just haven’t seen such a dry sarcastic sensibility with this kind of hero sci-fi stories. And then I also just really liked that it was in the tradition of I felt like Octavia Butler, where it’s like, “oh, this is a queer imagining of the future.” So I don’t know. I just thought it was a really sweet, funny, different world. I also, obviously every comedian who becomes an actor, their dream is to get to work on something with action to move beyond an It’s Always Sunny kind of comedy. I believe there was already an opportunity for me to be in a spaceship and shoot guns, and it just made me happy that it was genuinely funny source material. It didn’t feel like overly familiar Marvel stuff.

Rendy: Part of the charm of the series is the camaraderie between the crew and their relationship with Murderbot, that little found family.

Sabrina: I was like, damn. I’m in a lot of gay communities in Brooklyn and we are not that nice. I wish we were that nice to each other. I was like, this is the utopia. I thought the Brooklyn alt comedy scene was going to be and it is not.

Rendy: No, exactly. No, please say that with your chest.

Sabrina: I was like, wait, these gays are not trying to kill each other. You’re not lying for a single spot. No, exactly.

Rendy: They’re all just on a spaceship just wanting to explore and go home.

Sabrina: They’re more valid and they mean it this time.

Rendy: Haha! Please tell me about depicting that sense of community between your cast members.

Sabrina: It was kind of hard for me. I remember sometimes we would cut and I’d be like, “I need to shake this all out,” because it’s so earnest. And thankfully, I think Pin-Lee as a character is one of the more on-the-spectrum of like Gurathin [David Dastmalchian] to Ratthi [Akshay Khanna]. I don’t have to play them so unabashedly earnest and sweet — they have some bite and edge and sarcasm to them as well. But I was like, it’s crazy. The cast is filled with theater actors who I think are some of the most earnest people susceptible to joining cults. I couldn’t even tell if Noma [Dumezweni], who plays Mensa, I was like, are you on Mushroom chocolates right now or are you just kind of a theater actor? I couldn’t tell because of the way they were just so open and like feeling. It was kind of challenging, but I feel like it opened me up as a person and also helped me grow as an actor to be so sweet in that way. Although I do feel like I end up playing a lot of very sweet characters in general. This might be the meanest, hardest character I have played TBH.

Rendy: You depict so much range in the show. You’re dealing with different VX type stuff. You’re dealing with being more action oriented and, as you said, having a hard edge. Tell me about finding that dramatic range as opposed to your comedic background.

Sabrina: I think the key is to just not, at least for me, it was to not always try to be fishing for laughs, which was something that was a struggle for a while. That’s how I knew I was doing a good job was if I was getting laughs. And that was really tricky. And then the other thing that was tricky about this show is there are so many men in green suits holding a tennis ball and, me, expected to not make fun of it, and just earnestly be scared as if my life was on the line. It sort of gets morphed into this montage, but how do people really react to genuine life threatening stress since Pin-Lee is so straight laced? It’s sort of in the show, but Pin-Lee uncontrollably laughs during stress and it really worked. One cool moment I had was just realizing, oh, “I am feeling like my character would laugh in that moment” and being able to take big swings because it is also easy to be melodramatic when you haven’t really done a ton of stuff like that.

Rendy: Your character Pin-Lee, they find themselves in a nice little polycule with their wife Arada and Ratthi, and it’s depicted in a positive light. How was it to portray something that is divisive in our culture, but in this futuristic lens is so positive?

Sabrina: As somebody who has been poly, I was like, “Damn, people hate us. I actually can’t do this anymore. I just feel too alone trying to do this thing.” But I did. That was one thing I did appreciate about the show is just that there are contracts or these agreements, and also it’s not like everybody is equally on board. It felt like all the jokes that were about polycules were from the perspective of someone who really does know poly people or knows that world. For me, I was just like, “I cannot believe art is reflecting my life right now.” I don’t want to be in this polycule, which is great because I don’t think my character super wanted to be in that polycule either.

But yeah, it was nice to see a polycule story where I felt like we were still very much people. I think sometimes in comedies it’ll be like, you meet a throuple and you’re not really meeting the individuals in the throuple. They’re just one big joke. “That’s the throuple, LOL.” So I think that was cool. And I love my queer community and I love the poly community and the sort of way, I don’t know, I’m like, Hey, good luck to y’all. Sorry. I tried. I earnestly have tried.

Oh, I don’t know if you know this, but I didn’t get to have any sex in Joy Ride. So I was excited to be depicted having sex. Obviously this is a long journey for me, so I guess it makes sense that when I have sex on screen, I’m just fully being cucked. Maybe next time I’ll be the cuck-er.

Rendy: Even though you wrote on a show literally called Dying for Sex.

Sabrina: That’s true. That’s true.

Rendy: Tell me about your highly anticipated stunt moment from one of the later episodes. I remember you texting me how excited you were about it.

Sabrina: I fully got to do a stunt where they harnessed me and I got picked up and suspended in the air momentarily. I honestly felt like Tom Cruise. It was really cool. I mean, that was one of the coolest parts. I was so excited to do so much fight choreography and, honestly, I legit feared for my life. Is that fair to say?

Rendy: No, that’s fair to say.

Sabrina: It wasn’t necessarily the pickup that really scared me. It was like we kept having to throw ourselves on the ground with rocks and all the stunt teams were there. I felt safe, but I was just like, wait, I thought there’d be a lot more foam padding. I didn’t know we were just literally throwing ourselves on rocks.

There was a moment where I was just suspended between these two ropes. I felt like when you’re a kid on the playground and you’re riding that one swing that is virtually a diaper. That is how it felt. I felt like a child being picked up by adult men and thrown around like a little baby. And sometimes the ropes would get all twisted when you’re a kid and they would have to unspin you, because you’re a child.

Rendy: It’s like I’m ready for my parents to get me now.

Sabrina: But I am like, hey, for future people, I want to keep doing stunts. I was an amazing high school athlete. I won my high school athletic award. I can do it. I love to run around.

Rendy: Tell me about your iconic fit at the premiere. It was the talk of the town that you were homaging one of Alexander’s old fits. What was the inspiration behind that? What was his reaction?

Sabrina: Oh my God. It was the talk of the town. But it was funniest when people did not know what I was referencing, and they’d be like, “I love this, whatever this is.” I think Anna Konkle was like, “okay????”

Honestly, me and my team, we were like, “we want people to see the show and Alex is so amazing,” and how can we just capture the fact that we are all just silly, fun, and we’re this big family when we were on set. I don’t necessarily like to do ‘sexy.’ It’s not really my thing. Also the show is called Murderbot and I wanted to highlight how fun it is rather than serious murder-y sci-fi. Basically me and my team were just like, “oh my God, we love Alex.” Then it was like, the funniest thing about him is that his IMDB page is still just him pantless. And then I was like, “Should I go pantless?” I was completely kidding. But then someone went, that would be an amazing stunt. I texted Alex being like, “how would you feel if I did an homage?” And he was like, “Nothing would make me happier. Do not forget the sock garters.” And then I was like, “We’ve gotten the A-okay from the man himself.” Then I didn’t talk to him the entire time. I kind of wanted him to forget that I was doing it.

I think 10 minutes before the premiere, I just sent him a photo of just the sock garter, a little sexy teaser, and he was just like, “I love you so much.” And then something in Swedish and I didn’t know what it was, and then I translated it and it was basically the Swedish translation for ‘Alex Skarsgård has Haha-reacted to your photo.” I was like, oh, he’s just a green-text user. I was like, what is this Swedish code he sent me? Then we met each other at the premiere and he giggled. I also think the look turned out quite good, a proper homage. The truth was also when we were putting it on, everyone was like, please do not wear whitey tidies. For real. It is too much. I don’t have Alex’s body, so we had these cute little bloomers that I thought were awesome.” Anyways, that’s my long-winded story of how that came to be and how Alex reacted. He reacted like a boss. He was awesome.

Rendy: What were some things that you did on your downtime while shooting?

Sabrina: All of us were pretty good at hanging out and we would legit play improv games like mindmeld. It was really cute. Oh my God, there were a lot of dance breaks. Tattiawna [Jones], who plays Arada legit, loves Slim Shady. She was a late millennial, and so we would have Slim Shady breaks where everyone was just rapping along to old school Eminem. But also, separately, while I was in Toronto where we shot, I joined a lot of gay sports leagues. I was in the community and also played pickleball, and then stand up. Classic Sabrina.

Rendy: Not you being a fellow pickleball player.

Sabrina: My God. It’s like my whole life now, unfortunately.

Rendy: Given this being such a new form, genre, or venture for you, where else would you love genres to play in?

Sabrina: I kind of want to be in some kind of thriller. And ultimately I want to do a Little Miss Sunshine kind of show tonally. But yeah, my dream is to play someone a little bit evil because I think I come across so sweet. Somebody kind of manipulative or at the top of their intelligence I think would be fun. But also I just want to work.

Rendy: Considering how Murderbot’s entire personality is ‘I just want to watch my show. It’s my favorite thing in the world.’ It keeps quoting the show to everyone around it, so I want to know what is your Sanctuary Moon?

Sabrina: Fuck Joss Whedon, but it’s definitely Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Rendy: Really? That’s fun. Was that one of your favorite shows growing up and everything?

Sabrina: It was the show I watched the most. I had a lesbian Spanish teacher who was like, you would love this show, and I was like, “Okay, whatever.” And then I binged it on my phone an entire summer, and I think I’ve watched it all the way through three times at this point. Rewatched it during the pandemic. Anytime there’s a very stressful period, I watch it and then I’ll watch Angel just to see the same characters. I just get teary eyed at the intro song. I love the show so much. I love the characters, and it is a little campy, I don’t know.

Rendy: Oh, so campy. Peak nineties.

Sabrina: Peak nineties, but it’s just like you love the characters. I don’t know. These days, it is hard to find true characters where you’re just like, ‘I care about them so much and I feel their pain!’ It’s a lot of watching rich people eat themselves. I feel like right now TV is a lot of watching people you hate versus people you deeply love.

Murderbot is now streaming on Apple TV+.

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Rendy Jones

Rendy Jones (they/he) is a film and television journalist born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. They are the world's first gwen-z film journalist and owner of self-published independent outlet Rendy Reviews, a member of the Critics' Choice Association, GALECA, and a screenwriter. They have been seen in Vanity Fair, Them, RogerEbert.com, Rolling Stone, and Paste.

Rendy has written 24 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. I’m loving the Murderbot coverage on AS. This is a charming, charming interview! (I still don’t love the show as much as I love the books but I want to talk about it forever).

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Charlie Claire Burgess Understands Why You Might Hate Religion

“We are–all of creation–equally a part of the divine,” says Charlie Claire Burgess, author of the new book Queer Devotion, “and so there’s infinite ways to relate to the divine and every single one of us can find that thread of our own sacredness.” Burgess, a queer, trans, and nonbinary writer and illustrator, knows this personally. Raised in Protestant Christianity, they have spent their life leaving queerphobic religious traditions and finding their way back to the power of queer spirituality in order to share it with others through tarot and courses at the Seagrape Apothecary.

Queer Devotion was born out of a 2023 course they taught at the Portland-based shop. They wrote a 25-page take home packet for participants dedicated to exploring queer divinity through their research, and the event coordinator suggested they transform it into a book. Now expanded beyond that brief packet, Burgess explores the rich tradition of queer and trans divine figures within folklore and mythology, paganism, and Christianity, ranging from a diverse, interfaith collection of Sir Gawain, Aphrodite, Joan of Arc, and, of course, queer Jesus.

Burgess is quick to note that this book is not a spiritual encyclopedia but rather a workbook. It’s a queer interactive youth Bible of sorts that grounds its exploration of queer and trans figures in Burgess’ research, leaning away from religious appropriation and into their lived experience.

Queer, trans, nonbinary, and intersex divine figures are especially central to many religious traditions, including those native to South Asia, the Pacific Islands, Africa, and South America, but this book specifically focuses on western history and mythology. Burgess’ research focuses on the very religious traditions and morals that have been leveraged against queer people’s survival.

As Burgess shared with me, “I think there’s a real hunger and need amongst LGBTQ+ people for a connection with something more than us, especially when we’re being told all the time that we’re wrong and sinful and going to hell.” The book is a starting place with activities, devotionals, and contemplation prompts, alongside history and spiritual essays, following a rich tradition of queer magic explored in books like Ariana Serpentine’s Sacred Gender and Enfys Book’s Queer Rites: A Magickal Grimoire to Honor Our Milestones with Pride.

A book on and of the margins

In essence, Queer Devotion is a book for spirituality on and of the margins. This is nowhere clearer than on the cover, which Burgess illustrated themself. It’s inspired by medieval illuminated manuscripts, specifically the marginalia — the illustrations drawn into the margins of the Bible and other holy texts copied by monks. Even within this Christian marginalia, there’s historically a lot of queer spirituality. It is a space for sacred diversity to coexist with the regimented text of the Bible.

This cover art was specifically inspired by a page from Leah DeVun’s The Shape of Sex, an exploration of nonbinary sex from Genesis through the Renaissance which features illuminated manuscript pages.

“It’s the literal margins, and so much of what we’re talking about when we’re talking about queer devotion are people who have been marginalized and sacred stories that have been marginalized,” Burgess says. “There’s so much erasure that has happened when it comes to LGBTQ+ history, when it comes to LGBTQ+ spirituality. Sacred stories.” Their art mirrors a number of other queer and trans artists reimagining divinity in their own image; Burgess stands out as tethering queerness and trans identity to historical divinity and religious cultures.

Reclaiming queer sacred history

At the heart of Queer Devotion is the idea of finding and reclaiming these queer spiritual histories, which are often destroyed through queerphobic violence, erasure, or to protect community members who would face violence if they were outed. Burgess’ book is a love letter to these found histories, specifically employing scholar José Esteban Muñoz’s framework of queer evidence.

In his 1996 article, “Ephemera as evidence; Introductory Notes to Queer Acts,” Muñoz argues that it’s important to look for the whispers, the traces, of our histories in the archives and, in Burgess’ case, in sacred storytelling.

“When we’re looking for LGBTQ+ sacred stories, so often what we have to go on is hints and subtext because what has been recorded has been recorded by patriarchy,” Burgess says. With Muñoz’s framework, Burgess utilizes the lens of queer evidence to affirm the queer, trans, and intersex identities of many divine figures, and to assert that these identities can be multifaceted. For example, while Artemis may carry deep sapphic symbolism for Burgess, she is also significant to many asexual individuals for her rejection of heterosexual relationships.

As Burgess says, “connecting with the deep past of queer divinity can provide roots for us in the modern day. There’s so much messaging surrounding queer people around, especially trans people, being new, which is absolutely not the case. Trans people have always existed, although by different terms. This is really an argument about terminology more than it is about actual lived experience.”

Connecting to transcestors

At its very heart, the act of queering — or rather acknowledging the queer dimensions to — divine figures is itself a sacred one. It connects modern queer and trans people to divinity in the deep and recent past, from historical figures like Joan of Arc to mythical ones like Kybele, an intersex deity tricked into castrating herself, whose transfeminine followers continued worshipping her for centuries despite Roman persecution.

It’s strikingly similar to queer and trans grassroots archiving that records and celebrates queer and trans ancestors, whose histories are often lost or forgotten. These initiatives affirm not only that queer and trans people have existed throughout history, but that we will collectively survive current queerphobic legislation and Christian nationalism just as we have collectively survived before. Modern queer and trans people facing systemic violence can draw strength from the perseverance of ancestors in the past while honoring those whose lives were taken too soon.

Working with trans ancestors is the central devotion in chapter five, which features the queer devotion of Joan of Arc. It connects to modern exploration and veneration of trans ancestors, including well known people like Sylvia Rivera and Cecilia Gentili, as well as ancestors whose names are lost to history or whose identities remain closeted even in death. Texts like Contagion Press’ First Protocols of the Queer Goetia are dedicated to the many queer people who were murdered or died without living authentically.

Like Contagion Press’ booklet, modeled after those historically distributed to mourners, Burgess’ text provides a framework to heal both the queer and trans people who wander the Earth after death and the people who live in their stead. As Burgess says, “looking into the past and connecting to these stories, to these spirits, these energies can be really grounding and fortifying for LGBTQ+ people, and provide us the assurance to keep going and respect the sacredness of ourselves and our realities and our stories even through the very challenging times that we’re in right now.”

It’s a living book

The power of this book is that alongside historical deep dives into queer divine erotica, trans divinity, and sacred drag are devotionals, contemplative prompts, and activities that invite readers to participate in and determine their own relationships with these figures. But Burgess acknowledges that not everyone is in the space to create and foster these relationships — many queer and trans people have been harmed by people and institutions who leverage religion against the existence and survival of LGBTQ+ individuals.

Burgess intentionally also includes rituals inviting readers to unlearn sin (Chapter 10), release internalized homophobia, transphobia, and queerphobia (Chapter 4), and rewild gender (Chapter 3). Raised in Birmingham, Alabama in conservative Protestant Christianity, they signed a purity culture pledge and sat through Bible studies where they were told that homosexuality was a sin. Burgess is clear that even if people do not believe in or were not part of these systems, the constant messaging and conditioning hurts everyone.

In the final chapter, they write about their first memory, when they were first aware that their body didn’t belong to them. “It had been defined by everyone else since before I was making memories that came with rules and roles and commandments,” Burgess writes. And so Queer Devotion begins with self devotion and initiating people into queer spiritual traditions that affirm who people are and hold space for them to live authentically. Burgess was an atheist in their early to mid 20s, before dipping back into spirituality in their late 20s. It was through this spirituality they found the license to live as their true self.

Gender affirming care is spiritual care

“When I started exploring spirituality, that’s when I rediscovered my queerness,” Burgess says. And vice versa. Gender affirming care further opened up avenues for them to engage with a whole spectrum of figures that were previously inaccessible. For example, top surgery opened up avenues for them to work closely with deities that they traditionally viewed as too feminine because work with these figures felt dysphoric in their body. After top surgery, this dissonance between their body and the gendered dimensions of the deity — which Burgess themselves admits is often limited by patriarchal frameworks — was no longer a problem.

Just as Burgess’ relationship with their body evolved over time, they affirm that devotion must do the same. “Devotion, especially when we’re doing it queerly, of necessity has to be relational and open to change,” they say. “It’s a constant choosing to be in relationship with the divine, and that can and will change as you grow.” And just as devotion evolves over time so do rituals. In Queer Devotion, Burgess joins a robust tradition of queer and trans people reclaiming religious symbolism for ourselves.

As an icon of Catholicism, the rosary often appears to many queer and trans people as a symbol of a deeply queerphobic church but to many queer Catholics, folk Catholics, and Catholic witches, it’s a symbol of divine love for all people. Following in the model of Jonah Welch who developed a queer rosary practice and Michael Thérèse McQueen who developed the Five Mysteries of the Queer Madonna, Burgess connects with their Catholic ancestry and discovers queerness at the heart of Catholic tradition.

“Rewriting and queering our prayers,” they write, “can be a devotional act of reclamation, or asserting our sacred space and our rightful belonging.” Their reimagination of the rosary reminded me of the queer rosary circle that Sev Munro currently hosts. The queer, independent Celtic historian centers kinship, gender, and religion, and they hosted a queer rosary event for Gŵyl Fair y Canhwyllau this past January, acknowledging the importance of Candlemas and the Virgin Mary herself to many queer people.

Burgess ends with a question

Burgess’ book aims to center this evolution and heterodoxy at the heart of queer devotionality. “I’m not just talking about being devoted to queerness but being devoted in ways that are queer,” Burgess argues. It’s about “queer as a verb that means not only sexual orientation or gender identity but an approach to the world that is curious, expansive, thinking outside of the box, oriented towards teasing things open, destabilizing things, asking questions, not just taking the common mainstream for fact or for gospel truth, and really prioritizing gnosis, so personal, subjective, experiential knowledge and relationship with spirituality or the divine.”

Experimentation and individuality is at the nexus of Burgess’ book. Burgess themself is wary of institutionalized religion, or any tradition that sets strict parameters on who a divine figure is and how to engage with them. Instead, Queer Devotion follows their previous book and tarot deck Radical Tarot (2023) and Fifth Spirit Tarot (2022) which involved “reading tarot through a queer and liberatory lens oriented towards creating your future instead of fatalistically determining the future.”

Burgess is hopeful that this book is an invitation to all queer and trans people navigating and forging their relationship with the divine, including those who have religious trauma and are looking for a gentle space to grow and unlearn and those who are new to a world with spiritual dimensions and seeking out knowledge for the first time. In time for Pride, however, their book is an important reminder that all queer and trans people deserve access to (and have a rich ancestry of) divine representation. It’s about reconnecting with stories that affirm not only their identities but their spiritual legacies.

Queer Devotion is currently available from Hay House.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Emma Cieslik

Emma Cieslik (she/her) is a queer, disabled, and neurodivergent museum professional and writer based in Washington, DC. She is interested in the intersections of religion, gender, sexuality, and material culture, especially focused on queer religious identity and accessible histories.

Emma has written 2 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. Given the success that the right wingers have had using religion as a means of limiting government action I have been thinking that perhaps we could do something similar. Perhaps if trans folks claimed transition was part of their sincerely held religious beliefs we could be allowed to transition without government interference. We just need a holy book and some rituals.

  2. The idea that Joan of Arc was transgender is debunked by her own statements since she always identified herself as the “maiden from the borders of Lorraine” from a prophecy which she often recited, thereby proving she identified as a girl beyond any doubt rather than as trans or non-binary. Her so-called “male clothing” (which is the sole basis for the “transgender” claim) was just the soldier’s horseback-riding outfit which had been given to her for practical reasons by the soldiers who escorted her to Chinon and which she wore in prison because (according to quotes from her by several eyewitnesses) she needed to keep the outfit “securely laced and tied together” to hinder her guards from pulling her clothing off. The trial bailiff, Jehan Massieu, said that her alleged “relapse” into wearing this clothing was caused by the guards taking away her dress and forcing her to put the soldier’s outfit back on, then the pro-English judge used that as an excuse to condemn her to death. This wasn’t her choice and therefore had nothing to do with “gender identity”.

  3. Thanks for this thoughtful, detailed piece. I’m not spiritual in any way so I don’t think this book is for me given the practical workbook element, but I couldn’t pass by without complimenting the gorgeous cover!

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Out the Movies: Why Do I Define Transness By Rejection?

Out the Movies is a bi-weekly newsletter about queer film for AF+ subscribers written by Drew Burnett Gregory.

Ever since I transitioned, I’ve wanted to see a revival of Sweet Charity starring a trans actress. It’s almost too obvious. A sex worker with a community of supportive femmes yearns for love, wealth, and acceptance in a cruel world that crushes her optimism again and again.

As much as I loved the musical’s inspiration Nights of Cabiria, it was Bob Fosse’s film of Sweet Charity that really resonated with me as a lonely teenager who hadn’t identified the biggest reason for that loneliness. Bursting with romance, nothing ever seemed to work out for me. Maybe it was because I was a teenager or maybe it was because the people I fell for saw me better than I saw myself. Even when they liked me and I appeared lovable on paper, something wasn’t quite right. It was like a rabbit in a tuxedo. Sure, it’s cute, but it’s not fancy.

After transitioning and breaking up with the person grandfathered into loving me, I returned to the dating world with the feral optimism of my adolescence. Again, there was resistance. Finally, I knew myself, but so many of the people I latched onto didn’t know themselves well enough yet. They were drawn to me with curiosity rather than internal or external recognition. It was a lot of transphobia for the seasoned lesbians and self-doubt from the newbies surprised to find that my genitalia didn’t actually mean less confronting of their burgeoning bisexuality.

Nevertheless, I threw myself into dating with Charity’s fervor. In fact, for years I described my job at Autostraddle as writing about film, sex, and dating. Again and again I sang “If My Friends Could See Me Now” sometimes swapping out friends for strangers on the internet. Of course, Charity’s magical night of romance described in this song ends with her hiding in a closet because her date is ashamed of her.

Years later, years into a relationship with someone far more likely to put me in a spotlight than a closet, I saw another film that gave me that Sweet Charity pang of recognition. Now living part time in Toronto to be with my partner, I was lucky enough to be loved and lucky enough to enjoy the TIFF Cinematheque’s year-round programming. A couple years ago this meant getting to see half a dozen films from Hungarian auteur Márta Mészáros in the span of two weeks. Unfamiliar with her work, I quickly became enraptured with her ability to capture both the interior and exterior lives of women.

My favorite film of hers is called Riddance, a portrait of a young woman named Judka, a factory worker who pretends to be a student so her bourgeois boyfriend will show her around. It’s a story of a girl torn between her desire to be loved and her desire to love herself, the urge to push back against societal convention while unsure of the sacrifice that entails. Mészáros loves women and specifically her characters too much to let this be mere tragedy — even the Nights of Cabiria/Sweet Charity kind of tragedy with a final touch of hope. Instead, through its gaze, the film feels like a celebration of its protagonist. Erzsébet Kútvölgyi who plays Judka is shot with so much affection and beauty. I’m not sure human skin has ever been captured on screen with such awe. It’s not a queer gaze per se, but rather a gaze of recognition, the love for a younger woman only possible from an older woman who has finally managed to love herself. It’s the cinematic equivalent of “Ladies” by Fiona Apple.

This celebration of the feminine within a story about romantic rejection and projected shame immediately solidified the film in my canon of movies about cis women that every trans woman should see. Even though I watched this film while loved so fully in real life, I looked at Judka and saw a quintessential trans experience. The contrary evidence in my shared bed every night and every morning hadn’t changed the belief that to be trans is to be loved poorly.

To create a canon of cis movies for trans girls is to rely on generalizations. When contemporary trans women repeat a dated transsexual vs. transvestite paradigm, it frustrates me because it’s often self-hating and because it feels insufficient. If we’re going to repeat stereotypes, there are at least four or five subgroups of trans women we could classify to dehumanize ourselves.

Maybe this is why the easiest point of connection I can find in all our differences is a quality that doesn’t have much to do with us at all. Instead, it relies on how we are perceived by others. Cis people — and, let’s be honest, even sometimes other trans people — project an unworthy otherness onto us that can become our most universally defining feature.

It’s this perception I recognized once again last week when I started a movie called Me, Natalie in order to see a young Al Pacino’s one minute of screen time. Rather than being annoyed by his brief appearance like most of Letterboxd, I found myself taken with Natalie’s story. I cried watching this film about a girl stepping into adulthood eager to abandon a life of self-hatred.

After an obliquely-shot flashback montage of Natalie’s childhood, we get our first look at this teenage girl who has been described as ugly by everyone around her. This first glimpse feels like a reverse emperor’s new clothes. We’ve been told she’s ugly, so the assumption is she’s ugly. But it’s just famously beautiful Patty Duke with fake bucked teeth and a subtly enlarged nose. Her face is more memorable than the “pretty girls” around her, but, in my opinion if not society’s, even more beautiful.

Natalie also has charm and this becomes even clearer once she leaves home to join the art scene of the late 60s West Village. There she meets a painter who, like destiny, goes from enemy to friend to lover. All the while Natalie — and those around Natalie — insist on her ugliness. Even this painter describes his attraction to Natalie as transcending physical beauty.

Patty Duke won a Golden Globe for her performance and, despite satisfying most conventional beauty standards even after prosthetics, it’s her performance that makes the film so special. Her casting also creates another layer to the film. Rather than feeling like a story about someone whose appearance truly falls outside of celebrated norms, it becomes a story about someone beautiful who nevertheless is labeled the opposite. In Natalie’s case, her point of identity that makes her so other is her Judaism. This is heavily implied in the film and made explicit in its novelization. She’s not ugly — she’s just Jewish.

As a Jewish trans girl who just got FFS while opting to keep my big, crooked nose, the film’s sentimentality hit me hard. For years, I claimed to never want FFS, only to change my mind once I had good health insurance. While the incision point on my scalp still heals, I’m starting to reckon with the choices I made and didn’t make. I sought out a surgeon who agreed to prioritize subtlety and safety. Now I look in the mirror and can’t believe my Adam’s Apple is still so big.

I’m writing this essay while my partner’s arms are wrapped around me. I’m typinh on my phone instead of my laptop because I don’t want to wake them up and I don’t want to remove my spoon from theirs. This person loved me when my Adam’s Apple was even bigger, when my hairline was receding instead of yanked forward, stapled, and bloody. My trans story is no longer one of romantic rejection and yet these films are still where I project connection through my transness.

Before starting this piece, I challenged myself to think of joyous movies about cis women that felt part of a trans woman canon. I rejected every example I considered. I got stuck on the fact that, while yes they resonated, they also felt more broadly about women — cis and trans. But is that not also true of these stories of romantic rejection? Were those films not explicitly about the rejection experienced by cis women for being sex workers, working class, and Jewish? Therefore, the only reason I’m making this distinction is because I’m holding onto rejection as a defining trans trait.

As a woman consumed with artistic passion, why can’t The Red Shoes be part of my trans canon? As a dyke who has found connection with my fair share of divorcées, what about Desert Hearts? As someone who in this exact moment is cuddled in bliss, what about any number of cheesy romcoms that capture a mere fraction of the love I’m lucky enough to receive and give every day? Am I not as trans while loved as I am when rejected?

Last week also marked eight years since I began transitioning. (I guess eight is enough to let the day go by unnoticed.) Throughout those years, I’ve had to fight off the myopia that gave my misery too much importance. It’s a struggle reflected in Me, Natalie when she connects with a character much like Charity. (The films came out the same year.) Where Natalie saw a beauty she envied, the world saw a stripper as unworthy of love as Natalie’s big nose. Society provides so many reasons to dismiss people, most of us have at least a few. My transness isn’t unique — it’s not even my only quality that society deems unlovable.

What transness has done is given me myself. It’s allowed me eight full years of self-discovery as I’ve grown closer to the things that make me me. Whether I like it or not, it gave me my womanhood.

In the final moments of the film, Natalie writes a letter to her artist lover. She pities her lover’s wife and is surprised to find herself pitying a woman so beautiful. In this moment, she’s able to let go of her envy, able to not only be loved by others, but to love herself. She writes, “If I’m miserable today, tomorrow maybe I’ll be happy. And maybe I won’t. But if I’m miserable, it’ll be my miserable. And if I’m happy, it’ll be my happy, and I can’t do it any other way.”

If Me, Natalie is in my canon of cis woman trans cinema, it’s because of this speech, not romantic rejection. Isn’t this what transness has been about for me? Not being othered, not even being loved, but experiencing both as myself.

When I’m miserable, it’s my miserable. When I’m happy, it’s my happy. Me, Drew.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 715 articles for us.

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Meet the The Ultimatum: Queer Love Season 2’s Marriage-Obsessed and Marriage-Avoidant Cast

and

Deep in the marrow of the scorching summer of 2023, the first season of The Ultimatum Queer Love was bestowed upon us by Netflix — a bevvy of couples who’d reached a crossroads in their relationship wherein one wanted to get married and the other didn’t and both were willing to allow Netflix to destroy their lives in an effort to resolve this situation.

One of the many humans who participated in Season One, Mal Wright, worked in casting for Season Two and now works here, at Autostraddle/For Them. She shared with me, Riese, in an exclusive impromptu interview just now conducted over Slack, “I really commend the people who decided to participate in the second season, because you watched the first season and still were like, we’re gonna do it. I think that’s a really brave thing to do. You watched the queer people season and the straight people seasons and were still like ‘yeah, I’m gonna do it.‘”

These braver-than-the-marines lesbians will be debuting at the bottom of pride month: The Ultimatum: Queer Love Season 2 will premiere on June 25th, 2025. The first chunk of episodes will drop that day and the next chunk will be bestowed upon us on July 2nd. And yes, somehow famously heterosexual host JoAnna Garcia Swisher is returning to host. This is unfortunate considering there are at least 250 queer comics desperate for gigs who would do a really fantastic job hosting this program!

Six queer couples will have the chance to go on dates with all the other people participating in the experiment, pick a new partner, move in with that partner for a “trial marriage” and then reunite for a “trial marriage” with each other, after which they have to decide to either get married or move on. Also everybody will be having their trial marriages in the same apartment building.

Meet The Cast of The Ultimatum Queer Love Season 2

AJ & Britney

together five years // follow aj on insta // follow britney on insta

AJ & Britney

28-year-old administrative assistant/MC AJ isn’t sure about committing to 27-year-old registered nurse / entrepreneur Britney ’cause she fears Britney is more focused on her business than she is on AJ. The business in question appears to be the VitaLuxx Lounge & MedSpa, which offers vitamin therapy, skin care, weight loss and self-care rituals in a soothing Orlando environment. Britney says her “electric chemistry” with AJ began when they first danced together. Furthermore, Britney has a bunny who has been known to wear a bowtie.

Haley & Pilar

together 10 years

follow pilar on insta // follow haley on insta

pilar & haley

These two have been together for ten entire years, which means they’ve been dating since they were 19 years old, apparently meeting as orientation leaders after their first year of college. Haley’s a senior food scientist who “chocolatiers” in her spare time and says her “queer identity was shaped by the viral NoH8 campaign.” Physical therapist Pilar is wary of marriage because she thinks it’s a “societal construct” and also her parents aren’t supportive of her relationship or her sexual orientation. Pilar wants to “embrace her own queerness and pursue her dream of building a career as a gay woman in the male-dominated music industry.” Haley wants to drink filthy martinis and get married already!!!!

Dayna & Magan

together 1.5 years

follow magan on insta // follow dayna on insta 

you can watch a little preview trailer of dayna and megan on tiktok

magan & dayna

Dayna, 25, is a relationship manager, and Magan, 27, is a business manager, and now Dayna is managing her own relationship and asking Magan to get down to business. Even though Dayna has a self-described avoidant attachment style, she knows she wants to marry Magan! Now! After a year and a half of dating! Unfortunately, Magan is still grappling with her family’s reluctance to accept her queerness which may be playing into some of her hesitations. Also if you want to feel old Dayna’s first queer crush was King Princess which means people whose first queer crush was King Princess are now old enough to give their partner’s marriage ultimatums. 

Ashley & Marita

together three years

follow ashley on insta // follow martia on insta

Ashley & Marita

The biggest age gap in a season where all the couples are about the same age, maybe it’s their five year difference that makes Ashley, 30, ready to settle down, and Marita, 25, holding out for something more. Marita loves Ashley, but she feels like Ashley could be a bit grander in her romantic gestures. It’s also interesting that Ashley’s relationship model is Shannon Beveridge and Cammie Scott while Marita’s relationship model is Alex and Marissa on The O.C. Wishing these two the best of luck, but they might want to seek out some new romance examples!

Kyle & Bridget

together 2.5 years

follow kyle on insta // follow bridget on insta

bridget & kyle

Kyle, a 30 year old graphic designer, is very particular. They describe their ideal date as a beach picnic — with no bugs and no wind. Kyle’s desire to control nature fits with their desire to get going on their marriage plan. Unfortunately, her partner, 27 year old writer/bartender/Aquarius Bridget, doesn’t see the point. They want to be with Kyle for the rest of their lives, but don’t understand why marriage is necessary. (Maybe Kyle should try arguing tax law.) Bridget says she was turned gay as a two year old when she begged her parents to watch Ellen’s “The Puppy Episode” thinking it would be about puppies. A charming anecdote! 

Mel & Marie

together four years

follow mel on insta // follow marie on insta

mel & marie

Marie and Mel own a food truck together but Marie is also a butler (I have questions about this) and a bartender as well as “the most extroverted introvert there is.” Marie and Mel have known each other since they were teenagers. Marie is ready to get hitched and pop out some babies and spend more time on the sofa with Mel doing her favorite thing — drinking a glass of wine in a robe and watching The L Word. Meanwhile, Mel says they have some “things” they need to “get in order” before they can drive off into the sunset together or take flights to bougie spots.

Well I wonder what will happen next

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3319 articles for us.

Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 715 articles for us.

21 Comments

  1. omg i have been waittingggg so long for this, please tell me you all will be recapping, (kayla??)

    • LOL I’ve seen the oc that shit was short lived bitches!! Olivia Wilde was hot af tho

  2. Once again I can’t believe how young all of these people are. I don’t know very many queers in their twenties who are this horny to get married!

    And yes, of course I will be watching.

  3. Wow, happy 30th birthday to me I guess!

    Will it still have that straight host is my first question.

    Second, where are my fellow Cancers? I’m not an astrology queer but does it say something about my sign that we don’t seem to be giving or receiving ultimatums, at least not in a TV-worthy way?

    • happy birthday!

      maybe the Cancers are too afraid of crying on television or accidentally saying something hurtful and then feeling guilty about it forever and wishing they could ask the producers to edit it out

  4. recaps please!!
    also ashley and marita should enter themselves in “dating or related”

  5. I HAVE SO MANY THIUGHTS WHICH I WILL ALL SHARE NOW!!!!

    First of all, HOLD UP AUTOSTRADDLE/FOR THEM MAL IS THE ULTIMATUM: QUEER LOVE MAL???? This just exponentially increased my respect for her. Truly one of the only people on that show who didn’t come out of the whole experience looking like a gigantic jackass, but rather as mature and kind. God I feel her on the whole “these people saw season one and still decided to participate” thing. They truly are braver than the marines! And maybe also more (self-)destructive! Did we all watch the same show? These people must know their relationships are going to very publicly and possibly very embarrassingly explode, right???

    Second of all, I never watch reality TV but like every other queer person I know I of COURSE watched TU:QL S1, and as someone who was feeling very insecure in my relationship at the time, watching it felt TERRIBLE!!! I hated it and I saw myself in every single dysfunctional insecure asshole move that the participants pulled. I vowed to never watch it again, but lo and behold, I am now happily, nay, ecstatically single, and it’s gemini season, and good lord I can’t fucking wait to gleefully watch people DESTROY THEIR RELATIONSHIPS!!! Freedom for everyone trapped in a relationship with someone who is pressuring them to get married in their twenties! Personal growth for everyone who is stupid and insecure enough to give their partners an ultimatum like this! Messyness and singledom for everybody!!!

    • I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS WHICH I WILL ALL SHARE NOW!!!! – Best comment. Comment award!
      Please share more of your thoughts. I want to hear them all.
      Also, I feel you watching the show now being gloriously single after my ex put a lot of pressure on me to become parents together. I also never watch reality TV but saw the first season of the show and will watch the second as well.
      This format is so absurd. Why would anyone want their hesitant partner to marry them and pressure them into it with an ultimatum? Don’t you think that will fall on your feet eventually, even/especially if you get married? Relationship problems don’t stop with a wedding, why would someone want that??? Also, why would anyone agree to get married to someone if there is an ultimatum? If someone said to me: “Let’s get married or we’re done,” I believe I would be like “I don’t find an ultimatum a very healthy thing in a relationship, and if you feel this way, I guess that is the end of the road for us.”
      I understand people with these struggles don’t want to lose the other person, but maybe splitting up would be the more sensible option if you want so different things in life?

      • literally the entire premise is nonesnsical!! it’s wild. living with someone you just met for three weeks and then with your partner (who you probably already live with?) for three weeks, all the while being filmed, is like empirically not a good way to figure out if you should get married or not. it does seem to make people who have a lot of anxiety rush into marriage once they have to really consider the possibility of their partner being with someone else

    • yes! mal is doing HR and AF+ brand partnerships for the company now and she is just as lovely in person as on the show, and when she started here i didn’t feel embarrassed at all about calling her “our king” several times in ultimatum-related writing on autostraddle.com. i actually know a few people who worked in casting for this show and it sounds like it was …. not an easy task to get people to sign on!

      the most recent straight season was INSANE and so weird. i feel like we need at least one show like this a year to unite the community

  6. Oh and by the way: INSANE THAT THEY KEPT THE HOST????? Truly this is the reality show of all time.

    • absolutely wild choice, we deserve an unhinged queer host that will hold the participants to truths in the reunion

  7. Oh and lastly: Hiii Magan, 27, Taurus, how’s it going, do you want to date someone who will never force you to get married, what’s your workout routine, are you free tonight

  9. absolutely screaming that 3 out of 6 ultimatum givers are virgos, thats too fucking funny

    • Everyone KNOWS the traditional definition of marriage is between one cis woman and one other cis woman — except sometimes the cis women are maybe not cis women but don’t worry the show’s straight host will still refer to them as if they are.

Comments are closed.

King Princess Makes Her Acting Debut on ‘Nine Perfect Strangers’, a Show That Technically Exists

I moved soon after Nine Perfect Strangers arrived on Hulu in 2021. A die hard Nicole Kidman fan, I knew I’d watch the show eventually — I mean, I sat through Grace of Monaco — and this was perfect timing. I binged all eight episodes while building IKEA furniture, giving the mediocre show the exact amount of attention it deserved.

Almost four years later, this limited series has received a second season. It’s an inexplicable decision until you remember that now all TV has become IKEA TV. Even if most people aren’t putting furniture together, they are on their phones. It’s why more and more studio executives are asking screenwriters to over-explain plot points. Every story should be understandable to someone texting friends or scrolling entirely separate videos while the series plays in the background.

Long before there was so-called prestige TV, there was trash TV. There’s nothing wrong with watching soap operas. In fact, one reason I love Nicole Kidman is because she’ll do Expats (a great a show that demands full attention), The Perfect Couple (a show that does not), Babygirl (a great movie that demands full attention), and A Family Affair (a movie that does not) all in a single year.

The first season of Nine Perfect Strangers was totally sufficient trash where Kidman chewed scenery with a bad wig and a worse accent and every one of its famous cast members — likely receiving hefty paychecks — tonally seemed to be on completely different shows. Alas, the second season has held onto this tonal confusion but little of the trashy fun. It’s not a mashup of storylines in a way that feels goofy and entertaining. It’s a show that seems to have disdain for its own existence. It has the energy of an eighth season of a long-running series where everyone involved yearns to be free of their contract. But most of the cast is new and this is only a second season. If the people involved didn’t even want to work on this, why does it exist?

I don’t actually know if show creator John-Henry Butterworth and director Jonathan Levine only made this because the industry is at a point where any job feels like a miracle. But I do know that the show comments on itself in a way that implies that’s the case.

“When you keep an open mind it leaves doors open for terrible shit to come in,” one character says, only for her girlfriend to make fun of her, telling her that’s really profound and she should write it down. Later she’ll describe a dream sequence as “a very on the nose nightmare” as if to get out in front of any criticisms that the sequence was cliché. Just like the show has someone make fun of Nicole Kidman’s character for having an inconsistent accent, something said by many viewers after season one. Another character calls someone the Fresh Prince of Ryan Air, followed by someone else saying, oh that’s good how long have you been sitting on that one?

What makes the best soap operas fun is their sincerity. Even if the intention is camp, that’s better achieved by a true commitment to the characters and story you’re telling. Instead, this season of Nine Perfect Strangers is so desperate to avoid critique, it feels like every fifteen minutes the show asks us why we’re still watching.

That’s not to say it’s without its pleasures. King Princess is surprisingly good as a former child prodigy with a controlling girlfriend played by Maisie Richardson-Sellers. Her storyline and Annie Murphy’s storyline with Christine Baranski — the only actor who truly understands the show she’s on — are both committed to mommy issues in a way that will entertain queer viewers. Murray Bartlett is also enjoyable as a former kids TV host with anger issues — even if it feels like a very dark omen for the industry that Bartlett won an Emmy for The White Lotus only to end up on White Lotus-lite a few years later.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe there’s a place for bad TV that hates itself, hates its audience, and has its characters on cliché drug trips every single episode. But I think because TV is getting worse, because attention spans are dwindling, because we feel mere years away from AI-written media that will make this show appear prestige, I feel a stubborn resistance to turning off my brain. In fact, my mind is starving. I want work that’s challenging or, at least, sharp in its entertaining stupidity. I can’t subject myself to anything else that approaches a variety of serious topics with a perspective this hollow.

The good news for Nicole Kidman fans is she already has another limited series in post, yet another in production, and a third season of Big Little Lies in development. And if the industry is too dead right now to make even one of those worth watching, hey, more people could take that time to watch Expats!

Nine Perfect Strangers season two is now streaming on Hulu.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 715 articles for us.

4 Comments

  1. “ It’s an inexplicable decision until you remember that now all TV has become IKEA TV. ” – this is SO true of the vast majority! At least it’s let me finally watch Friday Night Lights (with a surprise lesbian mayor)….

  2. Speaking of IKEA TV, has anyone watched Motorheads? I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that show was written by AI. The writing is so maddeningly aimless and generic. It’s like what would happen if someone asked ChatGPT to create a teen show that’s a mashup of Fast & Furious and One Tree Hill. I watched it hoping for a queer character and it had two, but they may as well not have been queer considering how their queerness exists purely to check boxes. One of them could’ve easily been cut out of the show altogether and it wouldn’t have made any difference to the plot whatsoever. I’m so tired of bad TV. It’s frustrating because I KNOW there’s no dearth of writers who are capable of writing good stories, but it seems like no one wants to produce good television anymore, even if they have access to great talent.

  3. I couldn’t get through the first season of this show, but I did recently watch all of Expats and desperately wish I had good stuff to read or someone to debrief with about that show. There was so much going on and so much I wasn’t sure what I thought/felt about!

Comments are closed.

‘LEAVE ME ALONE’ I’m Listening to the New Reneé Rapp Single

For the first time since 2023 (excluding Mean Girls releases), Reneé Rapp has finally dropped new music today. The new single “LEAVE ME ALONE” comes on the heels of a lot of cheeky promotional teases from the ever-charismatic Rapp, including a mysterious fake NDA alluding to some of the eventual album’s themes.

While fans previously suspected Rapp was gearing up to release a single called BITE ME, it turns out that’s the name of the upcoming album (and maybe an eponymous single to come), as this first track we get a taste of is indeed titled “LEAVE ME ALONE”, which is exactly what I’d like everyone to do so I can bask in the sexy thrums of this instant earworm.

A curious cast of characters have been tapped for promotion of the BITE ME project, including Gabby Windey, Charlize Theron, Paris Hilton, and…Monica Lewinsky? What is the throughline here? Can someone tell me? When it was just Charlize and Paris, my group chat speculated “Reneé’s roots,” and Monica could possibly fit that theme, too, but Gabby? Is she old enough to be a root?

The song’s hook is its best part and a great mantra for the summer (“Leave me alone, bitch, I wanna have fun”). There’s also possibly a reference to her departure from Sex Lives of College Girls: “I took my sex life with me, now the show ain’t fuckin’.”

It’s a great time to be a dyke who loves pop music, and if “LEAVE ME ALONE” is any indication, the upcoming sophomore album from Rapp — out August 1 — will keep the tradition of queer women dominating the song of the summer rankings going.

In an appearance on Instagram’s podcast Close Friends Only, Rapp opened up about the process of making this album and some of the emotions going on behind the scenes. “I think one of the last songs I wrote, I had such a terrible day,” she says. “I just had such a bad day and just like bad experiences, and I was like I have nowhere else to go with my thoughts because obviously I can’t put them outward in this moment, therefore I will be like mentally just writing.” Much of the album tracks her growth from age 23 to 24, with Rapp saying about her 23rd year: “It was so bad, and I thought 22 was insane for me.”

So it sounds like we can expect a lot of different layers of Rapp’s artistry and storytelling on the album, including sexy and fun stuff as well as more intense emotions. We’ll get to hear more of BITE ME on August 1.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1028 articles for us.

Summer Is for the Midwest Princess

This is The Parlour, a place for intimate conversation, a real-time archive, a shared diary passed between a rotating cast of queer characters every week in an attempt to capture a kaleidoscopic view of what it’s like to be a queer person right here, right now.

Summer has always been my favorite season (with the exception of fall, but only in the Midwest). I think this is something ingrained in all of us thanks to school. We stare at the clock, desperately waiting to see the second ticker relieve us from homework, teachers, the horrors of middle school. Some people had fun vacations, trips to a distant relative’s house, summer school. The luckiest of them all had summer camp.

I was fortunate enough to have experienced an amalgamation of all of these. My parents had us all in this Asian math and reading program, using our progress (or lack thereof) to determine if we got to go swimming, to a friend’s house, or really even anywhere other than the kitchen counter. We spent a few summers at various family reunions. I remember my “uncle” (it’s a long story) making this roasted corn on the grill that, to this day, remains unparalleled. I took an outdoor summer gym class and wore tan tights under my soffe shorts because I didn’t want anyone to see my thighs jiggle. I dreaded most of these summer activities, so when I finally became of working age, I was so relieved I could use work as an excuse to get out of them.

Em Win in a lake

The only job a 16-year-old lifeguard really has is to kiss their coworkers and fuck around. Sadly, I took this job far more seriously than I should’ve. I don’t regret spending hours in CPR classes, in-services, or generally freezing to death in a swimsuit (Ohio in May can still bring snow). It was all worth it, because it eventually got me the job as a Pathfinder counselor at Camp Storer, the most coveted job in all of Southwest Michigan.

Camp Storer was one of those places all schools on the Ohio/Michigan state line took their kids to for an educational field trip. I was lucky enough to have been a summer camper there for a few years. So when I was chosen as one of three counselors to lead an all-girls group of teens through an off-the-grid, unstructured camping extravaganza, it felt like everything was coming full circle.

Em Win holding a chicken

Every May, I go back to this space in my mind; I can confidently say that summer was the best summer of my life. I taught stand-up paddle board classes, poetry workshops by the lake, shared campfire stories, helped my friends sneak out to hook up in the woods. I helped younger girls navigate things like their own queerness (before I was even out lol). I flirted with all the international camp counselors, which is eventually how I ended up in grad school in England five years later.

It was a summer of firsts: swimming naked in public, becoming friends with the “cool” camp counselors, walking around topless in the woods, making out with this guy on top of the diving platform, only to tell him a week later I was becoming a nun (that was my queer cover-up story). I was introduced to SARK’s art and poetry. I saved a friend from drowning in the lake. I took my British friends to see Cabela’s, a cultural hotspot of the Midwest.

It was perfect in every way. It’s a respite in my mind I escape to frequently. I unabashedly admit that if I could jump back in time, I would live that summer over, and over, and over again, like the true Midwest Princess I am.

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Em Win

Em (she/they) is a writer, therapist, and connoisseur of odd jobs. Born a Midwest Princess and once an LA Gay, she has somehow put down roots in Orlando, FL. Most of her time and energy is spent on FL-based queer advocacy in therapy world.

Em has written 86 articles for us.

No Filter: Kristen Kish Is Eating Beaver Tails

Hello and welcome back to No Filter! This is the place where I tell you all about what our favorite gay celebrities are getting up to, via Instagram, an application you might have heard of! Let’s get down to business, shall we?

Always nice when Sarah graces us with a post! And this image is certainly stirring!

I am fine with you not being on tour as long as you are making music!

Oh that’s today! Well hellfire, let’s go!

As am I not from Canada I did have to look up what a beaver tail is (fried dough in cinnamon sugar). I approve!

You know when you see an image and you just know it’s about to a meme? Or is that just my brain damage from working in social media?

This actually me made both hoot and holler, tbh!

Okay so we got some GREAT content out of these two couples hanging out, first up: the studs. Look at em! They’re so happy!

Smash cut to the femmes….I mean it’s just so perfect? I want a show about these four!

And the song is out next week! Let’s fucking go!

I was simply too lazy to like, actually read the comments here, but I hope that girl got in touch! This is also 100% how I would use social media if I was famous.

I am so ready for MI8 (yes I have seen the early reviews, I trust in Tom) and I am sooo thrilled that Katy will be there for me!

That’s EMMY WINNING FORMER OLYMPIC GYMNAST LAURIE HERNANDEZ right there!!!

Well….yes?

Similarly, yes please!

I am unable to NOT comment on this as I lived in Boston for damn near a decade, but the truth is? All cannoli is good! I was a Modern Pastry girl for a bit, but then Mike’s opened a storefront in Cambridge. The North End is too far away! Sorry!

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Christina Tucker is writer and podcaster living in Philadelphia. Find her on Twitter or Instagram!

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Mini Crossword is Making Book Recommendations

and

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Meet All 37 Gay WNBA Players of the 2025 Season

Which WNBA players are gay and how many of them are gay? Well, when Autostraddle published our very first list of out gay WNBA players several years back, it held merely 15 names. Last season, that number had climbed to 38, although two of the players on last year’s list ended up getting waived from their teams shortly into the season, leaving us with 36. In the weeks leading up to rosters getting finalized this year, it looked like we might improve on that number in a significant way — but cuts were made, and we find ourselves here, today, with 37 definitively out gay players. There are also four players I’ve seen mentioned elsewhere as gay but can’t find additional sources to confirm, and some rookies who could come out as the season progresses, perhaps! I will update this post as events warrant.

If you want to prepare yourself fully for the 2025 Season, you will find everything you need to do so in Natalie’s previews for the Eastern Conference and the Western.

Atlanta Dream Gay Players

Brittney Griner

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COLLEGE PARK, GEORGIA - MAY 10: Brittney Griner #42 of the Atlanta Dream reacts after hitting a three-point basket against the Indiana Fever during the first quarter of a preseason game at Gateway Center Arena on May 10, 2025 in College Park, Georgia. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)
Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

The legendary Brittney Griner and her wife, Cherelle, welcomed a baby boy just before the Olympics last year. Griner became the first out gay college player drafted to the WNBA when she went first to the Phoenix Mercury in 2013, and was traded to the Dream ahead of the 2025 season.

Jordin Canada

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK - SEPTEMBER 24: Jordin Canada #3 of the Atlanta Dream dribbles during the second half against the New York Liberty in Game Two of Round One of the WNBA Playoffs at Barclays Center on September 24, 2024 in the Brooklyn borough of New York City. The Liberty won 91-82. Photo by Sarah Stier/Getty Images)
(Photo by Sarah Stier/Getty Images)

In addition to an already prolific seven-year career in the WNBA, Canada is a musician.

Chicago Sky Gay Players

Courtney Vandersloot

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CHICAGO, IL - MAY 06: Courtney Vandersloot #22 of the Chicago Sky brings the ball up court during the first half against the Minnesota Lynx on May 6, 2025 at Wintrust Arena in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Melissa Tamez/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)
(Photo by Melissa Tamez/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

In December 2018, Vandersloot married her then-teammate Allie Quigley, who left the Sky in 2022. They welcomed a baby girl to their family this April.

Dallas Wings Gay Players

Arike Ogunbowale

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(Photo by Sam Hodde/Getty Images)

Ogunbowale got engaged to her fiance, influencer Lala Ronay, last May.

Dijonai Carrington

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ARLINGTON, TEXAS - MAY 10: DiJonai Carrington #21 of the Dallas Wings controls the ball during the second half of a preseason game against the Toyota Antelopes at College Park Center on May 10, 2025 in Arlington, Texas.
(Photo by Sam Hodde/Getty Images)

Dijonai Carrington, traded to the Wings from the Sun prior to this season, is dating her now-teammate, Nalyssa Smith. Their relationship has been a non-stop delight for the women’s basketball community.

Nalyssa Smith

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ARLINGTON, TEXAS - MAY 10: NaLyssa Smith #1 of the Dallas Wings looks on during the first half of a preseason game against the Toyota Antelopes at College Park Center on May 10, 2025 in Arlington, Texas.
(Photo by Sam Hodde/Getty Images)

Smith previously played for the Fever and now is playing alongside her girlfriend, Dijonai Carrington. They’ve had an on-and-off relationship since attending college together at Baylor.

Tyasha Harris

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(Photo by Austin McAfee/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

Harris’s girlfriend, Autumn Jones, is already sporting memorable courtside looks and facial expressions. Harris was drafted by the Wings in 2020, but played a season at the Sun and one in China before returning to the Wings this year.

Golden State Valkyries Gay Players

Kate Martin

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SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA - MAY 6: Kate Martin #20 of the Golden State Valkyries dribbles against Azura Stevens #23 of the Los Angeles Sparks during a game at Chase Center on May 6, 2025 in San Francisco, California. (Photo by Supriya Limaye/ISI Photos/Getty Images)
(Photo by Supriya Limaye/ISI Photos/Getty Images)

Kate, who was drafted to the Aces out of college and traded to the Valkyries this year, came out by going public with her relationship to Claire Gransee, with whom Martin attended college.

Cecelia Zandalasini

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ANKARA, TURKEY - DECEMBER 07, 2024: Cecilia Zandalasini, #24 of Galatasaray Cagdas Faktoring Istanbul in action during the ING Bank Women's Basketball Super League (KBSL)
(Altan Gocher / GocherImagery/Future Publishing via Getty Images)

The Italian player spent a season with the Minnesota Lynx in 2018 and again in 2024, but was picked up by the Lynx in the expansion draft. She has a hot Italian girlfriend, Sara Barbieri.

Tiffany Hayes

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SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – MAY 6: Tiffany Hayes #15 of the Golden State Valkyries warms up before a game against the Los Angeles Sparks at Chase Center on May 6, 2025 in San Francisco, California. (Photo by Supriya Limaye/ISI Photos/Getty Images)

Tip started in the WNBA in 2012 with Atlanta and most recently was playing for the Aces. She became an Azerbaijani citizen in 2015 and has competed as a member of their national basketball team and in the Olympics.

Indiana Fever Gay Players

DeWanna Bonner

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INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA - MAY 3: DeWanna Bonner #25 of the Indiana Fever gets hyped during the second half against the Washington Mystics at Gainbridge Fieldhouse on May 3, 2025 in Indianapolis, Indiana.
. (Photo by Geoff Stellfox/Getty Images)

Bonner is in one of the W’s most high-profile couples — she is engaged to Alyssa Thomas, with whom she played on The Connecticut Sun until they were both traded this year. (Thomas landed at the Phoenix Mercury.)

Natasha Howard

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IOWA CITY, IOWA- MAY 4: Forward Natasha Howard #6 of the Indiana Fever brings the ball down the court during the first half against the Brazil National Team, at Carver-Hawkeye Arena on March 4, 2025 in Iowa City, Iowa.
(Photo by Matthew Holst/Getty Images)

Howard was drafted to the Fever in 2014, but didn’t stay there — after playing with the Wings for her last two seasons, she came to the Fever as a free agent ahead of the 2025 season. Her wedding to hair salon entrepreneur Jac’Eil Duckworth Howard was featured on the eleventh season of Basketball Wives.

Sydney Colson

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This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is sydney-colson-GettyImages-2214030537.jpg IOWA CITY, IOWA- MAY 4: Guard Sydney Colson #51 of the Indiana Fever brings the ball down the court during the first half against the Brazil National Team, at Carver-Hawkeye Arena on March 4, 2025 in Iowa City, Iowa.
(Photo by Matthew Holst/Getty Images)

Sydney Colson is the face of the WNBA, the star of the Syd & TP Show, a fashion icon and truly the most entertaining human being in the league. She comes to the Fever this year from the Aces.

Las Vegas Aces Gay Players

Crystal Bradford

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SOUTH BEND, INDIANA - MAY 02: Crystal Bradford #8 of the Las Vegas Aces reacts with Jackie Young #0 of the Las Vegas Aces against the Dallas Wings during the preseason game at Purcell Pavilion on May 02, 2025 in South Bend, Indiana.
(Photo by Justin Casterline/Getty Images)

Crystal wrote an essay for The Player’s Tribune in 2023 that included a story of coming out to her mother in high school. After one season with the Sparks in 2015, she didn’t play in the W again until a 2021 run with the Atlanta Dream. After sitting out one game for a suspension over a 2021 fight in Atlanta, she’ll be on the court with the Aces this season.

Chelsea Gray

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(Photo by Justin Casterline/Getty Images)

Gray is a legend, sporting two Olympic gold medals, three WNBA Championships and one Unrivaled championship. Chelsea and her wife, Tipsea Gray, had a baby in February of 2024.

Jewell Loyd

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HENDERSON, NEVADA - APRIL 27: Jewell Loyd #24 of the Las Vegas Aces practices during the team's first day of training camp at Las Vegas Aces Headquarters on April 27, 2025 in Henderson, Nevada.
(Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

The Las Vegas Aces picked up one of the league’s top talents after she asked to be traded from the Seattle Storm, where she’d been playing since 2015. Her girlfriend, Téa Adams, is a point guard for the Estonia Women’s National Basketball Team. (They haven’t posted together recently but I think they’re still together??)

Kierstan Bell

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LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - SEPTEMBER 19: Kierstan Bell #1 of the Las Vegas Aces drives against the Dallas Wings in the second quarter at Michelob ULTRA Arena on September 19, 2024 in Las Vegas, Nevada
(Photo by Louis Grasse/Getty Images)

Bell has been with the Aces since the 2022, when she was drafted by them 11th overall.

Los Angeles Sparks Gay Players

Emma Cannon

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SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA - MAY 06: Emma Cannon #32 of the Los Angeles Sparks shoots over Laeticia Amihere #3 of the Golden State Valkyries in the second half of a WNBA basket ball game at Chase Center on May 06, 2025 in San Francisco, California. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.
(Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)

Cannon debuted in the WNBA in 2017, and has played internationally and for four different WNBA teams before signing with the Sparks for 2025. She and her wife, Tia Cannon, had their first child in 2022, and welcomed twins, a boy and a girl, to their family in April.

Julie Allemand

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(Photo by Borja B. Hojas/Getty Images)

Belgian baller Julie Allemand was picked up by the Indiana Fever in the 2016 draft, but she spent the next three years playing in Europe before returning to the Fever in 2020, but sat out the subsequent year for her mental health. She joined the Sky for 2022, but opted out in 2023 to focus on the Belgian national team — she was the only out lesbian on their 2024 Olympics squad. In 2024, she was traded to the Los Angeles Sparks, but was injured shortly thereafter. This will be her first season actually playing for the Sparks, and her second in the WNBA.

Minnesota Lynx Gay Players

Alanna Smith

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(Photo by Dustin Satloff/Getty Images)

Smith has played for the Australian Olympic basketball team as well as for the Mercury, Fever and Sky. This is her second season with the Minnesota Lynx.

Courtney Williams

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CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - MAY 06: Courtney Williams #10 of the Minnesota Lynx dribbles the ball against the Chicago Sky during the second half of a preseason game at Wintrust Arena on May 06, 2025 in Chicago, Illinois. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Daniel Bartel/Getty Images)
(Photo by Daniel Bartel/Getty Images)

Top WNBA Hottie Courtney Williams, who began her WNBA career in 2016 and was a key player for the Lynx as they battled for a championship last year, got engaged to her girlfriend, real estate agent Shya, last November, and we were all pretty excited about it!

Kayla McBride

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MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - OCTOBER 08: Kayla McBride #21 of the Minnesota Lynx celebrates her basket against the Connecticut Sun in the first quarter of Game Five of the Semi-Finals during the WNBA Playoffs at Target Center on October 08, 2024 in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
(Photo by David Berding/Getty Images)

McBride, who’s been playing in the W since 2014 and with the Lynx since 2021, recently wrote a piece for The Player’s Tribune about her mental health journey.

Natisha Hiedeman

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CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - MAY 06: Natisha Hiedeman #2 of the Minnesota Lynx shoots the ball against the Chicago Sky during the second half of a preseason game at Wintrust Arena on May 06, 2025 in Chicago, Illinois
(Photo by Daniel Bartel/Getty Images)

Tisha and her former Connecticut Sun teammate, Jasmine Thomas, got engaged in 2021 and had a wedding website set up for 2023, but they haven’t posted pictures together in quite some time. This is Tisha’s second year with the Lynx after five in Connecticut.

New York Liberty Gay Players

Breanna Stewart

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EUGENE, OREGON - MAY 12: Breanna Stewart #30 of the New York Liberty reacts after the preseason win over the Toyota Antelopes at Matthew Knight Arena on May 12, 2025 in Eugene, Oregon.
(Photo by Ali Gradischer/Getty Images)

Stewart’s wife, Marta Xargay Casademont, is a former player for the Phoenix Mercury and the Spanish National Team. They have two children together.

Isabelle Harrison

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(Photo by Ali Gradischer/Getty Images)

Two WNBA couples traded their way into playing on the same team (literally and figuratively) this season, one of them is Harrison and girlfriend Tasha Cloud. Cloud has described herself as dating an “beautiful straight woman that fell in love with me,” which is interesting!

Jonquel Jones

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EUGENE, OREGON - MAY 12: Jonquel Jones #35 of the New York Liberty reacts during the first half of the WNBA preseason game against the Toyota Antelopes at Matthew Knight Arena on May 12, 2025 in Eugene, Oregon.
(Photo by Ali Gradischer/Getty Images)

Our King, 2024 WNBA Championship MVP Jonquel Jones, has been engaged to her fiancee, nail tech Nesha Keeshone, since 2023.

Natasha Cloud

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EUGENE, OREGON - MAY 12: Natasha Cloud #9 of the New York Liberty looks to pass the ball during the first half of the WNBA preseason game against the Toyota Antelopes at Matthew Knight Arena on May 12, 2025 in Eugene, Oregon.
(Photo by Ali Gradischer/Getty Images)

Natasha Cloud is, as aforementioned, dating Izzy Harrison, who she says radically transformed her life at a time when she was in need of refocusing. Cloud began her WNBA career in 2015 and is a new addition to the Liberty’s roster.

Phoenix Mercury Gay Players

Alyssa Thomas

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PHOENIX, ARIZONA - MAY 11: Alyssa Thomas #25 of the Phoenix Mercury dribbles the ball while Veronica Burton #22 of the Golden State Valkyries attempts to block her during the second quarter at PHX Arena on May 11, 2025 in Phoenix, Arizona
(Photo by Aryanna Frank/Getty Images)

Alyssa Thomas is one of the WNBA’s top players and is engaged to DeWanna Bonner, her former teammate at the Connecticut Sun.

Kahleah Copper

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LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - MAY 06: Kahleak Copper #2 of the Phoenix Mercury looks on in the third quarter of a preseason game against the Las Vegas Aces at Michelob ULTRA Arena on May 06, 2025 in Las Vegas, Nevada
(Photo by Louis Grasse/Getty Images)

Copper, the Mercury’s top scorer, got engaged to her girlfriend, Swedish National Team baller Binta Drammeh, in 2023, but haven’t posted much about the relationship since then! Unfortunately she underwent a left knee arthroscopy last week that has sidelined her for the first 4-6 weeks of the season.

Natasha Mack

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PHOENIX, ARIZONA - MAY 11: Natasha Mack#10 of the Phoenix Mercury looks to pass the ball during the first quarter against the Golden State Valkyries at PHX Arena on May 11, 2025 in Phoenix, Arizona.

(Photo by Aryanna Frank/Getty Images)

Mack was drafted to the Sky in 2021, played in Poland for two years, and then joined the Mercury in 2024. Her girlfriend, Leecy, is a middle school teacher!

Sami Whitcomb

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PHOENIX, ARIZONA - MAY 11: Sami Whitcomb #33 of the Phoenix Mercury looks up to the scoreboard during the second quarter against the Golden State Valkyries at PHX Arena on May 11, 2025 in Phoenix, Arizona.
(Photo by Aryanna Frank/Getty Images)

Whitcomb’s career has been long and international, including 8 years in the WNBA. This is her first season with the Mercury. She and her wife, Kate Malpass, have two small kiddos.

Sevgi Uzun

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PHOENIX, ARIZONA - MAY 11: Sevgi Uzun #10 of the Phoenix Mercury dribbles the ball during the second quarter against the Golden State Valkyries at PHX Arena on May 11, 2025 in Phoenix, Arizona.
(Photo by Aryanna Frank/Getty Images)

The Turkish basketball player played her first season with the WNBA last year in Dallas and, I believe, is married to athlete digital creator Selin Uzun.

Seattle Storm Gay Players

Erica Wheeler

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SEATTLE, WASHINGTON - MAY 04: Erica Wheeler #17 of Seattle Storm advances the ball d3q of a preseason WNBA game at Climate Pledge Arena on May 04, 2025 in Seattle, Washington. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Rio Giancarlo/Getty Images)
(Photo by Rio Giancarlo/Getty Images)

Erica Wheeler is engaged to her girlfriend, Danielle Edwards. She went undrafted out of Rutgers in 2015 and is now a two-time WNBA All-Star. She signed with the Storm after playing for the Fever last year.

Washington Mystics Gay Players

Brittney Sykes

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NDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA - MAY 3: Brittney Sykes #20 of the Washington Mystics dribbles past Kelsey Mitchell #0 of the Indiana Fever during the first half at Gainbridge Fieldhouse on May 3, 2025 in Indianapolis, Indiana. N
(Photo by Geoff Stellfox/Getty Images)

Sykes’ girlfriend, Morghan Medlock, is a chef with courtside style so good it was featured in Vogue magazine last year — she often coordinates her outfits to match Sykes’ chosen color palette of the day.

Emily Engstler

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WASHINGTON, DC - MAY 16: Emily Engstler #21 of the Washington Mystics runs onto the court during player introductions before the game against the Atlanta Dream at Carefirst Arena on May 16, 2025 in Washington, DC. The Mystics defeated the Drea 94-90. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement (Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images)
(Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images)

This is Emily’s second year at Washington.

Stefanie Dolson

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WASHINGTON, DC - SEPTEMBER 19: Stefanie Dolson #31 of the Washington Mystics celebrates during the game against the Indiana Fever at Capital One Arena on September 19, 2024 in Washington, DC
(Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Stef Dolson, who won a gold medal at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics with her 3×3 team, recently celebrated her two year anniversary with her girlfriend Kristen Podlovits, who works as an Account Manager for Membership Services for the New York Liberty.

Sug Sutton

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(Photo by Erica Denhoff/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

Sug has been with the Mystics since 2024, after originally being drafted there in 2020, getting waived in 2021, playing overseas, and then playing with the Mercury in 2023.

Which WNBA Team Has the Most Gay Players?

The Phoenix Mercury was the WNBA team with the most gay players in 2024 (six) and despite losing several of them —Brittney Griner to the Dream, Natasha Cloud to the Liberty and Diana Taurasi to retirement —Phoenix managed to recruit new homosexuals to fill their spots, and is once again the gayest team in the WNBA.

The Connecticut Sun managed to break the mold this year, after losing three lesbians including power couple Alyssa Thomas and Dewanna Bonner, they are attempting to compete in the league with zero (0) lesbians on their team.

What Percentage of the WNBA Is Gay?

23% of the WNBA is gay. As of right now, there are 37 out gay players in the WNBA for the 2025 season. Last year we had 36 gay players (because two were waived shortly into the season) — but we also had a smaller league last year, which gave us a solid 25% of WNBA players clocking in as gay or lesbians, with similar levels the year prior.

But now, with the addition of the Golden State Valkyries, we’ve got 153 players on rosters for the 2025 season, and with just 37 of them being out as gay, the percentage has dropped to 24%. So now we’re somewhere in between 2022, when the league was 20% gay, and last year, when we’d scaled the mighty quarter. But I think we’ll get there!

Seven of last year’s gay players aren’t on any rosters this year. The league’s all-time highest scorer, Diana Taurasi, retired, as did Layshia Clarendon, the league’s first out non-binary athlete. The Atlanta Dream’s Aerial Powers and the Seattle Storm’s Victoria Vivians are now free agents. #1 Shorty Crystal Dangerfield was waived by the Atlanta Dream 15 games into the 2024 season, and played a 7-day hardship contract with the Los Angeles Sparks but didn’t land on any 2025 rosters. Dyaisha Fair, drafted to the Aces for her rookie season, was waived the day after her league debut last May and then left the country. Jordan Horston suffered an ACL injury during the 2025 Athletes Unlimited Pro basketball season and it was confirmed in April that she’d miss the 2025 season.

Which New Gay Players Are in the WNBA This Year?

Sadly not Shyanne Sellers, who was drafted to the Valkyries, then waived, then picked up by the Dream, and then waived again. Czech lesbian Elissa Cunane also was signed to a training camp contract with the Valkyries but didn’t make the final roster. But we also added three new lesbians — Belgian player Julie Allemand came back from her injury to play for the Sparks and Italian baller Cecelia Zandalasini joined the Valkyries and Crystal Bradford signed with the Aces. Stay tuned for anybody else coming out because we deserve a little joy in this world and that joy exists on the court of a women’s basketball game. I promise.

Where Can I Get a Gay 4 WNBA Hat?

At the For Them Store!

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3319 articles for us.

10 Comments

  1. i have so been looking forward to the return of wnba writing on autostraddle! all the coverage has been great and i will be copping a gay 4 wnba hat asap

    also i have spent a considerable amount of time googling “is kayla mcbride gay” and “kayla mcbride girlfriend” and “kayla mcbride boyfriend?????” but i wasn’t able to find an answer so i really appreciate finally getting some clarity on this important topic!

  2. Excuse meeeee you forgot Chennedy Carter in the in memorium section! Hopefully she gets picked back up next season, just a delightful chaos monster

  3. CT Sun has no out players but we all have eyes lmao! I’d say a minimum of 3, shocked to find out from this article that none of them are out but again, dyke recognize dyke

    • Actually can we count Saniya as out for publicly hitting on Ellie the Elephant, famous woman?

  5. Thank you for the confirmation of Kmac’s queerness!! Next up to investigate please– Paige Bueckers?? I thought she was queer??

    • wellllll, paige is not out, so we are respectfully awaiting more information from the source on that front!

Comments are closed.

Praise the Wilderness! Yellowjackets Has Finally Been Renewed for a Fourth Season

Nat on the phone in Yellowjackets season three, ahead of Yellowjackets season four

Yellowjackets Season Four Finally Announced

BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ! Good news, gays, gals, and cannibal pals, our favorite twisted teen drama Yellowjackets has officially been renewed for a fourth season! Chris McCarthy, Co-CEO of Paramount Global and President of Showtime/MTV Entertainment Studios recognizes the brilliance of this show, calling it, “a perfect alchemy of psychological horror, survival thriller and coming-of-age drama that continues to captivate audiences worldwide, brought to life by our extraordinarily talented and beloved cast.”

I don’t know why they decided to stress us out by waiting so long to officially renew it, because apparently, according to the network, the season three finale was the most-streamed episode in the series so far. Everyone needed to know who pit girl and the Antler Queen were!!

The ever-brilliant social media team made this announcement on Instagram with a very on-brand post, which was just a creepy-moody wilderness background and a grainy animation that shudders between The Symbol and the number 4. The caption reads, “The Wilderness rewards you 4 your devotion. #Yellowjackets will return.” And we say, in unison, thank you, Wilderness.

Season three was a wild ride, with the intensity, stakes, and absurdity (pos) rising with every episode, so I for one can’t wait to see what’s in store for the teens and adults alike. (If you’re missing our favorite psychotic soccer team in the meantime, you can always relive the series by way of Kayla’s episodic recaps!)

So sharpen your knives, practice your howls, and dry clean your pink baseball hats, because there may be no book club, but there will be more Yellowjackets.

Buzz on Over for More News

+ NewFest Pride starts May 29, and you can see some great upcoming queer films, either in person in NYC or virtually

+ Queer actresses Kaylee Kaneshiro and Anna Akana to star in upcoming horror film The Rift about cult survivors

+ Cyndi Lauper thinks Chappell Roan is great (and I agree)

+ Since Bridgerton was renewed for a fifth and sixth season before season four even airs, fans are speculating that Season 6 could be sapphic because of the order of the books and some genderswapping done in season three

+ Lorde’s upcoming single “Man of the Year” is the song she says she’s proudest of from her upcoming new album, and is about her realization that her gender is more fluid than she previously thought (as of this writing, she still uses she/her pronouns)

+ The Last of Us creators think they’ll need a fourth season to finish the story (and I sure as hell hope they get the chance to do exactly that)

+ Reneé Rapp is among the list of people performing at this year’s American Music Awards, which is perfect since she’s releasing new music tomorrow

+ Speaking of new queer music, Miley Cyrus released a teaser for her album Something Beautiful that drops May 30

+ ICYMI, author Taylor Jenkins Reid came out as bisexual; in other news, fork found in kitchen

+ The Bear dropped their Season 4 trailer, and my favorite part was Ayo Edebiri’s character playing basketball alone for some reason

+ KATSEYE’s Lara accepted an award at Golden Hour: A Queer AANHPI Night Market and talks about living her truth

+ Reality star Chantel Everett hooked up with her friend Ashley and sort of spins out about it asking “Does this mean that I’m a lesbian? Just like that?” because she apparently doesn’t know bisexuality exists

+ Cynthia Nixon likes how messy Miranda’s storylines are on And Just Like That, saying, “Just because we’re queer doesn’t mean we have to be perfect too.”

+ Trans influencer Vivian Jenna Wilson landed her first modeling gig with Wildfang

+ And this is stretching the concept of “pop culture” a little but I thought it was neat: Some DC queers are setting out to paint the “longest LGBTQ+ mural in history” for World Pride (and I have friends who got to add a little to it and be part of that history!!)

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Valerie Anne

Valerie Anne (she/they) a TV-loving, video-game-playing nerd who loves reading, watching, and writing about stories in all forms. While having a penchant for sci-fi, Valerie will watch anything that promises a good story, and especially if that good story is queer.

Valerie has written 644 articles for us.

Queer Horoscopes for Gemini Season 2025

Gemini Season often feels busy, pulsing with frenetic energy. As we approach the Solstice and seasonal shift, combined with the start of Pride Month, our calendars can fill with events and opportunities for connection. The air fills with flirty, feral energy — and yes, the drama that often comes with it. For some, this electric atmosphere is the highlight of the year; for others, it’s a whirlwind to brace and get through. Regardless of where you fall on this spectrum, understanding the astrology of this Gemini Season can help you navigate the chaos while staying true to yourself.

Gemini Season Highlights

Gemini Season begins on May 20th and ends on June 19th.

Key Dates

May 24: 🌀 Mercury conjunct Uranus
prompting unexpected exchanges—your thoughts might surprise you!

May 24: ➡️ Saturn enters Aries
setting a spicy tone for summer (more on this in the breakdown below)

May 25: ➡️ Mercury enters Gemini
speeding up the buzz of socializing and information exchange

May 26: 🌑 New Moon in Gemini
opening a portal for reflection on communication patterns and an opportunity for setting new intentions and goals

May 29: 🌀 Mercury Cazimi
cazimi = swallowed by the sun, resetting our communication patterns

June 1: 🌀 Venus conjunct Chiron
pressing on tender attachment wounds while highlighting how far we’ve come

June 5: ➡️ Venus enters Taurus
shifting relationship dynamics toward a more comfort and safety-seeking mode

June 8: ➡️ Mercury enters Cancer and is conjunct Jupiter
creating big cry baby energy! Let the feelings flow…

June 9: ➡️ Jupiter enters Cancer
setting a moody tone for the next year (more on this in the breakdown below)

June 9: 💥 Mercury squares Saturn & Neptune while Venus squares Pluto
bringing major reality checks around communication & relationships — these transits ask us to choose our words carefully!

June 11: 🌕 Full Moon in Sagittarius
illuminating next steps for our learning

June 15: 💥 Mars square Uranus and Jupiter Square Saturn
bringing explosive energy that asks us to reconsider how we handle sudden changes and long-term plans

June 17: ➡️ Mars enters Virgo
bringing a sharper focus to details and organization

June 18: 💥 Jupiter square Neptune
inviting us to reimagine what’s possible

June 20: ➡️ Sun enters Cancer
initiating a new zodiac season

Gemini Season Breakdown

The month ahead is a time of heightened fantasy, rapid communication, and conflicting views. Gemini’s mutable air energy invites us to be curious, adaptable, and open to multiple perspectives. As Mercury-ruled Gemini season unfolds, we’re called to examine how we process and share information, while staying mindful of information overload.

In addition to the Sun, Mercury, Venus, AND Mars, two major outer planets change signs during Gemini season: Saturn (which shifts approximately every 3 years) and Jupiter (which shifts yearly). On May 24, Saturn enters the cardinal fire sign of Aries, setting a spicy tone for summer. And then on June 9, Jupiter enters the cardinal water sign of Cancer, setting a moody tone for the next year. Both of these big planets entering cardinal signs is significant. Cardinal signs are initiatory and make shit happen.

These two major planetary shifts indicate a “changing of the guards” energetically. Saturn in Aries brings a trailblazing, bold energy to structures and responsibilities, while Jupiter in Cancer increases our movement toward emotional security and nurturing. Saturn contracts while Jupiter expands. Together, these transits suggest we’re entering a period of both courageous action and deep emotional processing. We’re in a crucial period of transformation. Despite any fears that may be coming up at this time, these simultaneous influences create a unique opportunity to both boldly step forward and tenderly nurture ourselves through change.

We are holding a lot. We are aware of a lot. It is both a catalyst and a hindrance that we have access to so much information. Gemini Season and the many transits within the month ahead are asking us to make space to actually digest and integrate the information we are consuming. What activities help you do this?

Gemini, ruled by Mercury, is associated with mental processes: thinking, connecting dots, collecting data, free associating, linking symbols, evaluating…

The archetype of Gemini is the twins, and when stressed, resorts to dualistic thinking—all or nothing, black or white, good or evil. This is a normal function of the human brain, but when it is unchecked, this absolutism repeats violence through othering.

On the other hand, when Gemini energy is safe and empowered, it can transcend binaries into manifold possibilities and new neural pathways. Radical change is possible here. Breaking cycles of harm starts here.

This Gemini Season, challenge yourself to notice when you are stuck in either/or thinking. What can you do to move your system beyond polarity into curiosity?

Try using your horoscope as a journal prompt to reflect on these themes. Talking to yourself is useful and strategic. Talking to yourself about how you are talking to yourself is a foundation for meaningful change.

Below are horoscopes for Gemini Season for each sign. These are written accounting for transits and planetary rulership, so please read for both your Sun sign AND your rising sign for a more complete picture!

Gemini Season Horoscopes

Gemini

Happy Birthday and Cosmic New Year, Gemini! As the Sun enters your domain, how will you celebrate? What would make this time feel like a fresh start? Your ruling planet, Mercury, is having quite a busy season! Mercury meets Jupiter (wisdom), Uranus (breakthroughs), and the Sun (vitality) in your sign this month. These meetups amplify your natural gifts of communication and curiosity. Pay special attention to the brilliant ideas and insights that emerge between May 24th-29th — they could lead to exciting new directions. Think big and don’t limit yourself right now. Later in June, you can edit, refine, and implement.

Saturn entering Aries brings structure and discipline to your social networks and long-term aspirations. Saturn asks you to be more discerning about which groups you align with and which dreams are worth pursuing. While this may feel restrictive at first, it’s actually helping you build more meaningful connections that spark action and collaboration toward your goals. Jupiter in Cancer brings abundance and growth to your material resources and a heightened awareness surrounding worth. Jupiter here expands your relationship with money, possessions, and personal values. While this transit can bring financial opportunities and increased income potential, it’s also about developing a deeper understanding of what truly matters to you. Use this time to explore new ways of building security while staying true to your values.

Cancer

While the Sun is in Gemini, make space to fantasize. Journal, daydream, create a vision board — whatever helps you tap into possibility. This reflective and creative energy will peak during the Gemini New Moon (5/26) and reach clarity with the Full Moon in Sagittarius (6/11). When you need solitude, embrace it. When you crave social connection, seek out people and activities that match your freak and respect your limits. Though Gemini season brings busier, more chaotic energy for everyone, you especially need to prioritize rest and recharging. Use this time to dream and scheme before the Sun enters YOUR season next month.

This invitation to fantasy isn’t about escapism — it’s about rewriting the story of your perceived limitations. As Saturn moves into Aries, you’ll discover opportunities for career and community transformation. Saturn brings structure and intention to your public persona. By clarifying your vision and standing firm on what’s non-negotiable, new responsibilities become exciting opportunities rather than burdens. As this Saturnian shift enhances your visibility, Jupiter in Cancer ushers in a powerful wave of expansion and personal growth. With Jupiter moving through your sign for the first time in 12 years, you’re entering a period of incredible opportunity and self-discovery. This transit helps you claim your yes’s and no’s with greater confidence by showing you where and how they’re evolving. In the process, you may discover more ways in which your sensitivity is your greatest strength.

Leo

In the social buzz of this season, it would benefit you to reflect on the friend groups and communities you are a part of and how it feels to exchange care with them. Pay extra attention to the stories you are telling yourself about rejection, attention, and deservingness. Are you asking for what you really want or need? Who actually matches the energy you bring to the table? When the Sun swallows Mercury on 5/29, what shift in your communication patterns with the groups you are a part of do you want to commit to shifting?

Jupiter in Cancer brings a period of spiritual retreat and inner work as this expansive planet begins to bring to light that which has previously been out of your conscious awareness. The vibe is revelation, and this transit invites deep reflection and connection with your intuition. During this time, you may find yourself processing hidden feelings or exploring spiritual practices that help you integrate past experiences. Simultaneously, Saturn in Aries is asking you to commit to deeper studies, whether through formal education or more experimental, self-directed exploration. This may require a leap of faith and most certainly will push your comfort zone. What is it you want to learn more about? To practice more seriously? Go for it!

Virgo

You can be so good at making and executing a plan, but sometimes tending to all those details and calculating all the possibilities can keep you feeling like you’re on a perpetual hamster wheel rather than reaching a destination. Gemini season will ask you, at some point, to step into a decisive leadership role. It might be small, like picking the spot your friends are going to meet up and setting the tone for the evening, or it might be a bigger life decision at home or at work. Pay special attention to the brilliant ideas and insights that emerge between May 24th-29th — they could lead to exciting new directions. Trust that you have the information you need to take the next step, and don’t be afraid to be seen and celebrated for that.

Jupiter in Cancer brings a year of social expansion and collaboration. This transit supports joining groups aligned with your values, growing your network, and finding your people — those you can reciprocally exchange care with and who value your talents and ideas. Keep an open mind about who you meet, an unexpected alliance could lead to meaningful opportunities. Alongside this expansion, Saturn in Aries brings tension to your intimate partnerships and shared resources. Tension isn’t automatically bad, but it can be uncomfortable. This transit asks you to examine your boundaries as you face deep-seated patterns around control and surrender, particularly in close relationships. If you can balance inner and outer work, your social life stands to radically transform and blossom.

Libra

This is a spicy time of year overall, and specifically beckoning you toward adventure, Libra. What makes something feel like an adventure for you? Is it the distance you travel to get there? Is it an element of surprise? Is it the aesthetic of your gear or your surroundings? However big or small your journey, however profound or mundane the destination, Gemini Season wants you to indulge in some novelty and shake up your routine. If you’ve been feeling stuck in any area of your life, this is the permission slip to shake things up and approach in a new way. Bonus points if you can make space for this between 6/1 and 6/9, when Venus joins Chiron (the wounded healer), enters Taurus (the sign of steadfastness and comfort), and then squares Pluto (the great transformer). Give yourself the freedom of wide open spaces.

As the sign associated with the scales, you understand more than most that delicate balance of reconciling opposites. This season initiates a dance of juggling the expansion of Jupiter and the contraction of Saturn. It will require trial and error. Jupiter in Cancer opens up new opportunities for visibility and impact in your career or community. You may find yourself being more vulnerable than usual and finding out that authenticity can open doors you did not even know were there. As you wear your heart a little more on your sleeve, Saturn’s simultaneous transit in Aries invokes some restructuring in your commitments and relationships. While this may initially feel restrictive, it’s actually helping you build more stable, mature relationships that can stand the test of time. While you’ll want to be sensitive to others’ needs at this time, staying true to your own values and boundaries is crucial.

Scorpio

Scorpio, you are arguable the best of all twelve zodiac signs at getting rid of shit. From decluttering your home to burning bridges with people who just don’t get it, you are cosmically oriented toward releasing what needs to be released. Yes, sometimes it might be preemptive or spiteful, but a lot of the time it’s boldly necessary. You’re doing what others want to do but don’t have the courage to execute. Gemini season is an especially heightened time for you to wield this superpower of yours, especially after 6/17 when Mars enters Virgo and sharpens your eyes to any previously overlooked details. While everyone is running around wildly, trust what you need to shed, get off your chest, or break away from. And then don’t forget to celebrate the good riddance with some good fun.

Saturn in Aries is a supportive force for this clearing-out process, specifically highlighting changes you could make around your daily routines and health. While it may feel demanding at first, prioritizing these structures will support your long-term well-being and vitality. At the same time as this practical transit, Jupiter in Cancer brings a renewed faith to your relationship with the unknown. Your natural depth-seeking tendencies combine beautifully with Jupiter’s expansive energy in a fellow sensitive water sign, making this an especially potent time for personal growth through education, travel, or spiritual practices. It’s a balance of discipline and play. Keep your mind open to unexpected teachers and unconventional wisdom — they could lead to profound breakthroughs in your understanding.

Sagittarius

Taurus Season asked you to reconsider your daily habits and routines, and now that Gemini Season is here, you’re invited to collaborate with others on making some significant changes. This is an important month to spend time getting clear on your expectations for yourself, as well as your connections with others. Celebrate those who have been showing up for you, note which connections feel more distant, and consider what you need to ask for from your commitments. Maybe it’s more play and sweetness, or maybe it’s reassurance and validation. What kinds of connection and support would nourish you right now? Pay extra attention to advocating for your needs between 6/15 and 6/18 when Jupiter makes some revealing squares to Saturn and Neptune, perhaps changing some plans.

As your ruling planet, Jupiter, moves into sensitive Cancer, your relationships may shift in unexpected ways, bringing opportunities for deeper emotional bonds and mutual understanding. This transit supports sharing your truth and being vulnerable, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. As a truth-seeking and often blunt fire sign, you may think you already tell it like it is, but this Jupiter transit is tenderizing. Learning to read the room and communicate with greater nuance doesn’t mean compromising your truth — it means delivering it in ways that create genuine connection rather than defensiveness. At the same time, Saturn in Aries can help forge new creative outlets for catharsis. Building on your access to spontaneous inspiration, Saturn here wants to help develop your talents with focused intention — whether that’s through art, work, romance, or any form of self-expression that lights you up.

Capricorn

Gemini season is a major self-care checkpoint for you, Capricorn. Taurus season invited you to be a bit indulgent in whatever pleasures were calling to you. Now, as people around you start to let loose a little more, notice how you respond to the frenetic energy of this season. Are you doubling down on work and cutting corners on sleep? Are you hydrating and eating well? What does your body need? What about your heart and your spirit? The period between 6/9 and 6/15, peaking at the Sag Full Moon on the 11th, brings extra emphasis to your work-life balance, making this an ideal time to reassess your routines. Notice where you might be overextending yourself or where you could use more support. This transit invites you to find creative solutions that honor both your ambitious nature and your need for restoration.

Saturn entering Aries may unearth some long-buried fiery emotions — anger, jealousy, passion. What have you had to shelve in order to hustle that finally has some breathing room now? How can you honor that process and celebrate the friction that shows you’re growing and expanding? Jupiter entering Cancer may amplify both profound support and stagnant conflict with your closest people. You’re likely to experience meaningful encounters that challenge and inspire your growth, as Jupiter amplifies and transforms the foundations of what you are attracted to and what you are attracting. This mix of energies can raise questions about how you balance intimacy with independence. Pay attention to the Full Moon in Sagittarius on 6/11, as it may illuminate some unconscious material to be integrated.

Aquarius

Let’s be real, you totally have a tendency to overthink things. That juicy insight of yours is such a gift, as you can access and explore uniquely zoomed-out perspectives, but sometimes it can be hard to zoom back into the present. To drop into embodiment. To savor simplicity. This time of the year is ripe for you with creative energy if you can slow down enough to harness it. It’s the kind of creativity that does not ask you to sacrifice your peace. It’s a romantic creativity, an emergent process. Don’t forget to make time and protect space for play, which will be especially rewarding to prioritize between 6/9 and 6/15, peaking at the Sag Full Moon on the 11th.

Play requires a balance of structure and flow. We need containers that help us feel safe and secure to be able to fully surrender into the moment. Saturn wants to help build that container for you, and Jupiter is ready to fill it with wonder. Saturn in Aries brings support for clearer boundaries and communication — advocating for your needs, honoring your limits, and taking your desires seriously enough to pursue them! Jupiter in Cancer begins to peel the veil back on the beauty of the in-between moments that could otherwise be overlooked: the light hitting the wall at golden hour, the crispness of the morning air, the joy of the first sip of your coffee in the morning. What is getting in the way of that? Jupiter expands your awareness of how your daily choices impact your vitality, and it looks like savoring the magic in the mundane.

Pisces

If anyone can adapt to the big-change energy of Gemini season with grace, it’s your mutable-water self, Pisces. You know how to go with the flow, meet the energy of the moment, and vibe. Enjoy! Have fun! Ride the waves! And, this is your friendly reminder to periodically ground yourself in the process. Eat, sleep, and reality check some of your fantasies. Notice where you are pouring your energy and if that’s watering something beautiful or just draining your reservoir for nothing. Pay extra attention to adequately resourcing yourself between 6/15 and 6/18 when Jupiter makes some revealing squares to Saturn and Neptune, perhaps changing some plans.

Jupiter and Saturn are here to help balance your ebb and flow. Saturn in Aries sharpens your focus on self-worth and material resources. What is worth your time? Your energy? Your money? This transit encourages disciplined choices, including some calculated risks. The stronger this Saturnian foundation becomes, the more gifts Jupiter in Cancer can bestow. Jupiter in this fellow water sign opens a transformative period for you in the realms of romance and recreation. You may feel drawn to art, music, or other modes of self-expression with renewed passion and depth. Try a new medium! Ground yourself firmly so you can explore your creative edges without fear of losing balance.

Aries

If you’re excited enough, you can really move mountains, Aries! You are a go-getter, pot-stirrer, and powerful trailblazer. Gemini season is an especially heightened time for you to wield your initiative, especially after 6/17 when Mars enters Virgo and sharpens your eyes to any previously overlooked details. Follow your curiosity and get experimental with it. This is a great time to spread your social wings and communicate your ideas and desires far and wide. Taurus season was a wild roller coaster — If you’re not feeling super inspired right now, who or what can you surround yourself with that you know sparks your fire?

Saturn entering your sign might push you past limits you didn’t think you could transcend. If you can lock in to a goal or even just commit to seriously following the breadcrumbs of a personal dream, you may feel both the weight of responsibility and the thrill of building something meaningful that truly reflects who you are. Don’t let the gravity of taking something seriously stop you. Jupiter in Cancer provides a nourishing counterweight to your roots and foundation. This transit brings opportunities for emotional healing and deepening your connection to home, whether that means feeling more at peace in your body, strengthening family bonds, or nesting in new ways. This time asks you to hold both the intensity of Saturn’s scrutiny and Jupiter’s expansive vision. It’s a time to be both practical and imaginative about your future.

Taurus

The transition from the syrupy slowness of your season, Taurus, into the chaotic buzz of Gemini season can certainly feel abrupt. You’re encouraged to enjoy the continued pleasures and playfulness of this time while staying steadfast in honoring your limits. As a generally stubborn sign, that might not be too much of an issue for you. But nevertheless, even the most grounded of us need reminders to make space to integrate the lessons we are learning. Take notes, literally! What is being revealed to you right now about how you use your precious resources? Where are you spending most of your time? Your energy? Your money? And how does that feel? Bonus points if you can make space for this reflection between 6/1 and 6/9, when Venus joins Chiron (the wounded healer), enters your sign, and then squares Pluto (the great transformer). Give yourself space to digest the dynamic energy!

As Jupiter shifts into Cancer, get ready for an influx of communication and continued learning opportunities. New connections are forming, mentally and interpersonally. At the same time, Saturn entering Aries could bring up old fears or insecurities, but it’s also a powerful time for inner work and releasing what no longer serves you. Endings are hard, and Taurus, you can have a tendency to hold on. Allow the newness and excitement of all that Jupiter is offering in your social sphere to help fortify some deep psychological shifts that are arising, while asking for some endings. These endings could be small or significant, either way, the core theme is about making space for authenticity to emerge. Even if it’s uncomfortable, your truth will set you free.

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G Weaver

G Weaver is a queer astrologer, creative coach, and certified digital wellness educator. She has a special interest in humans. Whether exploring the collective psyche through the cosmos or studying and teaching about how the Internet is impacting us all, she is passionate about understanding and supporting transformation. She offers readings, classes, and publishes audio, written, and visual content on numerous platforms—connect with her here.

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Dykes Discuss ‘The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives’

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The following article contains spoilers for season two of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.

Welcome to our series called Dykes Discuss, where we discuss media and topics that aren’t necessarily lesbian-forward but that we still want to weigh in on! We have fun! Today, we are discussing season two of Hulu’s reality television series The Secret Wives of Mormon Wives. Here because you too can’t get enough of this wild show? Great, we want to hear alllll your theories and speculations for next season, which has already been filmed but doesn’t yet have a release date. Know nothing about the show and just want to bask in the humor and charm of our witty and gritty commentary? Great, there’s actually nothing you really need to know. The premise of the series is all right there in the title; it’s a reality television series about Mormon women. If you want to know who everyone is, read a cast primer, but also it doesn’t really matter!

Kayla: There is MUCH to discuss! I spent the whole weekend watching season two, and I have NOTES.

Christina: SAME. We are about to deep dive into some of the most fascinating reality personalities of all time in my humble yet deeply journalistic opinion.

Kayla: In a time where much of Bravo programming is on the decline (sorry to say!), The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives on Hulu is keeping reality television ALIVE AND (UN)WELL. Can’t say the same for the rest of Hulu programming…we can get into the Vanderpump Villa of it all later though.

Christina: I am refusing to fall for their VV propaganda. The only Lisa Vanderpump Face I recognize is from 2010-2015.

Kayla: I thought we were going to get a sophomore slump here, and we sure did not!

Christina: I have to admit, I waited a bit to hop back on the slopes of Provo! I was worried that the second season effect would get to them all in a bad way, and instead? The second season effect (this is when a new reality personality has their first year of TV under their belt and often misunderstand everything that makes people like them) instead has given us a group of women who seem to be mostly unable to…stop being themselves!!!

Kayla: Usually the fame and the scrutiny and the awareness of the cameras absolutely ruins the potential for organic drama and storytelling, but in this case, it HEIGHTENS IT? Because okay, for starters, has there ever been a figure on reality television so blissfully unaware she’s getting a villain edit than Miss Demi? And she spends the entire first half of the season attempting to paint Jen Affleck as the villain/New Whitney.

Christina: It’s almost impressive, watching her and that ombre hair try to start shit wherever she thinks she can, and it was DELICIOUS watching her fall! The absolute transparency of her midseason switch up! Jen Affleck skips that Arizona trip (dark) and you can almost see Demi looking around like, “well who is next?”

Kayla: She needs a target! I’m also so confused by her narrative that she was a fan favorite in season 1. Was that true? I recall my main thought about her in season 1 being “she’s hot.” Does that a fan favorite make?

Christina: I recall my main thought about her being “Wait, is that Jessi?”

Kayla: I’m glad that the two of them also acknowledge that they look alike. Because THEY DO.

Christina: I swear they are TRYING to look more alike now.

Demi and Jessi in The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives

Kayla: The arc for Demi and Jessi’s friendship has been rather thrilling (and bleak!). Taylor’s reveal that Demi was shit talking Jessi’s hair business was actually one of the most jaw-dropping moments of the season for me. Coming for her BUSINESS is so mean!

Christina: I was gagged by her being willing to do season 2 without her! Like that is WILD.

Kayla: Again, coming for her BAG!!!! I feel like in these women’s worlds that’s actually worse than idk flirting with their husbands or something.

Christina: I mean, given that they are all supporting their husbands….I would imagine so!!!

Kayla: I have been fascinated by all the “feminism” language the girls have adopted for this season. They’re constantly talking about how Momtok is all about “women supporting women” and it’s literally just them…doing choreographed dances (poorly)? But then on the other side of that, I do see how making all this money independently of their husbands is legitimately empowering, especially given the worlds they exist in.

Christina: The feminism and therapy speak is very this era of reality TV, like how many housewives conversations have we sat through about being “a girls girl”? One million? But where the housewives drop the facade after about two rounds of fighting and start calling each other cunts, and these girls simply won’t do that! It’s all “Oh gosh” and “gaslighting.”

Kayla: The therapy speak this season was especially hard to swallow given how mean some of the girls continued to be about Jen when it is SO clear she was going through something very real. Thank GOD the producers pulled that girl off camera finally. It needed to happen sooner though!

Christina: I HAVE NEVER BEEN SADDER IN MY LIFE THEN WHEN JEN AFFLECK DISCOVERED SHE WAS PREGNANT AGAIN.

Kayla: I almost actually started sobbing during all the Jen stuff, especially the pregnancy reveal.

Christina: It was easily one of the darkest scenes on reality TV I have ever seen, and I watched season two of RHOBH!

Kayla: She is TWENTY FIVE. Her brain JUST finished developing! And she’s about to have her THIRD CHILD! And she’s DEPRESSED! She should absolutely never been on reality television.

Much like an episode of Bitch Sesh, I’m not necessarily fact-checking anything I’m saying in this conversation, but I’ve been told that Jessi and Jen were both more or less “cast” in the series, whereas the other girls were already friends/collaborators via Momtok. But Jessi’s integration into the group was smoother because they all sort of knew her through her business. Whereas Jen was coming in fresher and didn’t blend as easily.

Christina: HMMMM that tracks, I could see that. I actually really like Jen??? Is that crazy??

Kayla: I really like Jen! I want to protect her! She seems very impressionable all around. The girls like to focus on how she’s manipulated by Zac, but in the same breath, they’re manipulating her, too.

Christina: And like, I need to see proof Zac ever got into medical school in New York.

Kayla: Oh much like Craig lied about passing the bar on Southern Charm, I’m almost positive Zac did not get into medical school and I absolutely believe he gambled his med school money away.

Jen doing ketamine therapy on Secret Lives of Mormon Wives

Kayla: I did not know Mormons are allowed to do ketamine. They can’t get a skinny vanilla latte but they can do ketamine????

Christina: Shoutout to that doctor who was like “Well ketamine isn’t mentioned by name in the commandments soo…”

Kayla: Thou shalt absolutely enter a k hole.

Christina: And look they did make ketamine therapy look banging.  I too would like some nice headphones, some IV K, and a blanket.

Kayla: The season was one long ad for Poppi, ketamine therapy, mid hair extensions, and self tanner.

Christina: This season had me feeling like Tyra Banks on ANTM cause I was ready to cut everyone’s hair off. Miranda actually DOES need a pixie cut and WOULD look like Twiggy.

Kayla: This is why Whitney is my GIRL. Everything is so relative to the Mormon context they live in. Like I kept saying Whitney is BRAVE to not have hair extensions and appear on camera without makeup…but I’m kind of not kidding! She’s “brave” for those things given the world she exists in lol. She also has a level of confidence the other women couldn’t dream of. I actually love Whitney and wish we’d gotten more of her this season, but I think she was too “well behaved” this season to get more screen time.

Christina: YES I was really there for the early part of the Whitney redemption tour (having bunnies at your shower so people don’t touch your newborn??? brillant??) But I was disappointed in her for sticking with Demi throughout the season, but you know what they are really bonding about is Taylor being the “OG creator of MomTok” and how salty they are they matter less.

Kayla: I can see Whitney calculating in real time who she should align herself with, but she picked wrong with Demi! She really was there for Jen in a real way though. I was touched by her going over there before the trip and cleaning up for her. That was real. Almost uncomfortably so. Again, production should have pulled the plug on Jen before it could even get to that point. While we’re back to her though: I can’t believe one of her storylines before she was (rightfully) pulled off the show was walking back the “fact” that her husband is related to Ben Affleck.

Christina: Was it walking it back or was it…uh…bullishly insisting it was true? Which to be clear I 100% believe that Zac would have said that at some point.

Kayla: Yeah, I think he said it early on when they were dating and then never thought it would get to the point of reality television viewers — famously self-proclaimed investigative reporters — fact-checking.

Imagine if my wife [Kristen Arnett] told me she was distantly related to Will Arnett when we started dating.

Actually I’m going to start this rumor.

Christina: I will cosign it.

Kayla: How old were these two when they started dating? TEENAGERS?

Christina: I mean all of them!!! Are!!!! CHILDREN!

Kayla: The ages frighten me every time. I know the cast of Vanderpump Rules were all babies when that show started but they didn’t…have babies.

Christina: And they have multiple children. Which is part of the secret sauce of this show for me: watching them all grapple with their religion.

Kayla: Yes! I liked the allusions to people from church hating all of them lol. I kind of wanted to get into that more but understand why THEY don’t want to.

The Mormon church loves silence and secrecy, and reality television flies in the face of all that. What makes this show ultimately more compelling than Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is that we get wayyyyy more of that religious tension here.

Christina: There was a point in episode 8 where I scribbled “how long can they do this show and not wake up to their religion being wack” and then they had that conversation about “sealing” and how men stay sealed no matter what and how that was bs and then I wrote a follow up note that said “oh right now!!”

Kayla: This was another instance where I felt Demi trying to assert something/spin a particular narrative. She REALLY wanted Jessi to say outright that she doesn’t believe any of it. It felt like she was attempting to weaponize something there?

Christina: She really brings that vibe to like 99% of conversations.

Kayla: But again little does she know…that’ll actually endear a lot of viewers to Jessi more? Because she’s being real/vulnerable/honest. So many of Demi’s machinations backfire on her. Tis the Leo way…all that hair, all that confidence, but sadly none of the execution.

Demi in Secret Lives of Mormon Wivse

Christina: It’s hard to watch her plans backfire, truly! And it’s also hard because Taylor is like, impossible not to root for, somehow? “somehow” here means “largely due to her various traumas and inability to be anything to but herself”

Kayla: GIRL STOP SLEEPING WITH DAKOTA THERE’S NO WAY THE DICK IS /THAT/ GOOD.

Christina: AND THAT IS A GREAT EXAMPLE.

Kayla: Watching Taylor with her family early on in the season…yeah I’m gonna ride for that girl because her family has fucked her UP.

Christina: The only one I ride with is her sister!!!!

Kayla: Yes. When her sister was like “you two just don’t belong together” I was like HELLO??? LISTEN TO HER!!!

Christina: Because that was one of the most uncomfortable family conversations I have ever witnessed. Like how are you going to look at this girl crying about her boyfriend treating her like garage and be like “Well you need to ask what you did to make him act like that”???? I woulda killed everyone at that table.

Taylor in Secret Lives of Mormon Wives season 2

Kayla: If my parents invited my ex who I just kicked out to a bbq…idc if we have a kid together I am NOT showing up!!!!!!! And cussing someone out!!!

Christina: I mean we have to say Taylor’s mom is….wack.

Kayla: The extent to which she acquired a whole new face…harrowing.

Christina: The extent to which she is still on the side of her daughter’s ex-boyfriend…..extra harrowing.

Kayla: And like WHY? Dakota is not a catch! What is his JOB? DADTOK?

Christina: how dare you speak of dadtok to me 

but also what are ANY of the mens jobs?????

Kayla: Great point. I’m glad we don’t spend too much time with the men on this show. They are very go girl give them nothing.

Christina: Literally so horrid.

okay ENOUGH table setting: who do you think is gay?

Kayla: WAS JUST ABOUT TO TRANSITION TO THIS TOO. here is my rundown:

Taylor + Miranda: FUCKED. I believe they hooked up. It’s the reason why Miranda is so weird about the swinging scandal. She’s not even with the dude anymore so none of it is about protecting him or cheating or anything; it’s just gay panic. Taylor is already pretty open about having made out with other women sooooo.
Mikayla: WANTS TO FUCK WHITNEY. Sorry, her obsession here is just too over-the-top to not be laced with something queer.

Whitney: Is 100% in a lavender marriage with her gay husband. I don’t care how many times the two of them have denied it or made jokes about it. It only makes me believe it more. Also, much like these women and their Mormonism, I don’t need it to be true to believe it. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

Layla: Could be bisexual. So sexually repressed it’s hard to say.

The rest are straight I think. Demi does make the most homophobic comments during the sex party (what WAS that sex party), which could give queer but I don’t think so with her. Also, she’s either attempting to correct the narrative on with some of her pro-gay TikToks lately OR she’s trying to expose someone else in Momtok for overt homophobia to DEFLECT from herself and how weird she was about girl-on-girl stuff at the sex party.

@whitneyleavitt

FWB

♬ original sound – Anabeeeellaaaaa

Kayla: I would love for Mayci to have an ounce of queerness to her, especially since I have learned she actually had a pretty legit collegiate tennis career before she got pregnant, but she’s as straight as her hair.

Christina (sent simultaneously): Okay I largely agree with all of these and I would like to add Mayci, for a reason I cannot actually understand? I suppose this is what we call a “gut feeling” but I can’t put my finger on it.

Kayla: OH INTERESTING

Christina: LOL ICONIC

Kayla: No I love that we are picking up opposite energies here.

Christina: There is NOTHING there textually?

Kayla: Mayci and Mikayla do often have the vibe of best friends who “joke” that they’re each other’s wives. I think it would be so easy to be closeted in Momtok. It’s like culturally sanctioned homosocial activity. With a lot of culturally sanctioned physical contact!

Christina: I did actually get emotional when Mayci told Mikayla she was preg.

Kayla: I love when you can tell who are real friends.

Christina: Me toooo. And Mikayla is just so gay to me???

Kayla: Yes.

Christina: Also one of my faves. I’m into her weird energy and her ability to twerk.

Kayla: OKAY SHE DID ACTUALLY TWERK WHICH WAS CRAZY

Christina: I WAS SO SHOCKED

Kayla: I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA LIKE “”TWERK””

Christina: No those cakes were MOVING

Mikayla twerking in Secret Lives of Mormon Wives season 2

Christina: I also think I could like Miranda, but girl give us something!

Kayla: Yeah, felt like a starter wife on Housewives who never fully catches. I was most into the fact that she was so supportive of her ex husband’s new girlfriend when her ex husband was starting shit at that cursed house party early in the season. How are these house parties getting so out of control when the only thing anyone is turnt on is diet soda?

Christina: We kept saying that as we were watching, like they are SOBER. and yelling in the yard!

Kayla: The look on Taylor Frankie Paul’s face when she was watching the fight outside…she wants to fight SO BAD. The other girls are like nooooo don’t go to jail again girl!

Christina: I was SO proud of her for not physically fighting this season! Cause I know she wants to!!!

Kayla: Demi being stone cold sober and still jumping to the exaggeration that Chase LAID HANDS on her……

Christina: (sorry it was hot to me that Brett was ready to rumble)

Even though he is absolutely cheating or did

Kayla: Oh yeah no Brett is a hot husband for many reasons, the fact that he doesn’t even need to fact check before he’s ready to fight for his wife chief among them.

Christina: …is the second that he is 47?

Kayla: When I was like 19 I insisted the hottest age for a man to be was 47.

Christina: SAME

I don’t know why it was 47

I think I wanted to say 50 but was scared

Kayla: I also don’t know…how did we both get there…

Christina: It’s part of the Alan Rickman/Tony Stark thing.

whatever they call that path to dykedom

Kayla: John Slattery was also 47 at like peak Mad Men.

Christina: oh then it was that

Kayla: Why didn’t we spend more time with that hot mic moment of Brett and Demi’s! Not that we actually learn anything concrete from it other than that Demi does not believe him that he didn’t cheat, but I really thought that was going to come back.

Christina: WELL IS THAT ALL PART OF SEASON THREE? Like it seemed like the final ruveal was reallllly setting up a Demi fall.

Kayla: PROBABLY. Apparently that next season is already banked. When it finished, I was frantically googling WHEN DOES SECRET LIVES OF MORMON WIVES COME BACK? There are no real answers. But they filmed 20 episodes at once and broke them up. AND cameras are already back up for season four. So it seems like they’ll always have a season banked even as another one starts filming.

Demi is going to fall from grace and I guess we’re going to have to also contend with this Vanderpump Villa dude supposedly having an affair with Jessi.

Christina: I will be gagged that she had an affair, but we MUST stop pretending like the Vanderpump Villa part matters.

And look even though Demi is in her villain era, that pregnancy test “game” was cruel and I hope production apologized??

Kayla: That was soooo cruel and fucked up. I kept waiting for one of the girls to pull the plug, but yes we’ve been informed it was production pushing it.

Christina: It somehow felt extra cruel because we the viewer’s didn’t know about the second pregnancy so even I was like “wait is she???”

Kayla: I want to be clear that I’m LOVING Demi as villain. She’s getting a lot of hate, and the criticism is all valid but I mean come on, we need a villain! And she’s doing it well despite that not at all being her intention! And then to see her in this really real human moment actually made her an even BETTER villain in my eyes. I like my villains to have a pinch of vulnerability to them. Otherwise, where are the STAKES

She actually outdoes Whitney’s villain arc in season 1, even if some of the beats are the same (like her threatening to leave Momtok).

Christina: She is a better villain because she is like….ten percent less calculating? And it gets in her way, which we NEED. Wow, you and me defending a villain edit? WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

Kayla: I also was on her side when she opted not to skinny dip. Seems v legit that she was like “my stepkids literally watch this show” lol. And meanwhile, none of those bitches even skinny dipped they were merely topless!

Christina: Right like lets be real here! This is simply showing off boob jobs, which I APPRECIATE and RESPECT, but skinny dipping it is not.

Kayla: Season was also an ad for boob jobs.

Demi in secret lives of mormon wives season 2

Kayla: I also like that in general this show is pretty lax about breaking the fourth wall. I think the fourth wall used to be more important in reality tv of yesteryear, but it has become a hindrance for a lot of longtime reality series. Breaking it is always more satisfying because then people are actually talking about the things they’re talking about instead of talking around it.

Christina: Yes! I had a note about that! It might be the best I have seen the 4th wall stuff handled on a show. It helps a ton that they can use “MomTok” as stand in for “the show.”

Kayla: Any final thoughts on the season / general appeal of the series?

Christina: I love this show! I think it is actually really interesting to discuss, I think these girls feel like the Vanderpump cast of old, like real people who are messy and addicted to being on TV and I think that is good (except for Jen Affleck, may she get all the peace she needs).

Kayla: Yes, may Jen Affleck stay as far away from cameras — including phones — as possible.

As for the rest of these women, I hope they keep up the delusion!

the cast of Secret Lives of Mormon Wives

Kayla: This photo is so funny because it looks like THEY are the dykes convening to discuss. You know Demi has to be so mad about her placement here.

Christina: That’s been making me laugh whenever I see it. I know she is Beyoncé dot heated.

What should the dykes discuss next? Let us know!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1028 articles for us.

Christina Tucker

Christina Tucker is writer and podcaster living in Philadelphia. Find her on Twitter or Instagram!

Christina has written 351 articles for us.

5 Comments

  2. I KEEP saying so much of what y’all said here, namely a) Taylor and Miranda have something VERY queer going on between them. Taylor at one point says about them being friends again “Miranda and I just have so much chemistry that we’re always going to be drawn together AS FRIENDS” ???

    Secondly yeah if I am Taylor, I’m flipping a table when my mom goes “Oh did I tell you I invited Dakota?” like we don’t even get to the slut shaming part of the event because I make a scene long before then

    I think Demi is sooo beautiful but so misguided, apparently she was pitching to the girls that she would fake an affair with Dakota for the drama of the finale?!?! Idk Jessi said it on Viall Files (I watched a clip on TikTok) so who knows how true that is but!!!! Just down to do anything for a check that keeps cashing idk I don’t like it

    • THANK YOU for picking up on the taylor/miranda vibes. it’s like the first thing i clocked about their interactions.

      omg if that’s true about demi that’s toooooo wild. very interested in the fact that her husband has also been on reality tv like how much are they colluding to make “good” tv. but ALSO don’t people know that the downfall of every Housewife is when they start producing their own storylines too much?!?!?

  3. OH and I also love Jen!!!! I think the Affleck cousin stuff is overblown but very much believe Zac’s family thinks it’s funny she believes it so has played it up but then she got famous and now it’s all on her for “spreading the rumor”? When she said “your grandpa told me he met them when they were younger” I was like oh nooooo

    • everything about Jen imo can be explained by the fact that she got married sooooooo young

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College Is for Finding Yourself. ‘Overcompensating’ Knows That Process Can Be Hell

There is no perfect path to queerness. Oftentimes, it is shitty and gross. Not in the grotesqueway the Christian right peddles, but in the ways of adolescence, where the body feels like its own entity, with its own set of controls and values. The performance that once served as your saving grace, an outward expression of heteronormativity feels foreign because of the emergence of something new. A second coming of age has taken place, and instead of relying on your friends and family as sources of support and guides for this new developmental process, queerness inherently makes you feel alone. The distance between your true self and the performance widens into a gaping hole where shame, guilt, and narcissism take hold. Overcompensating, the Amazon Prime comedy drama series, based on the life of Benito Skinner, articulates the early stages of queer life and the incessant highs and lows that dominate young queerhood, all set on a sex-driven college campus.

College is the perfect setting for a queer journey. For many, it is the first place where young people feel empowered to take control of their agency and life. It is fitting that the first few lines uttered by the new student orientation leaders in the pilot episode are: “Welcome to college. Where you can have a fresh start. Where you can be whoever you want to be.”

Benny (Benito Skinner) refuses to be himself. This tug and pull is displayed throughout the eight-episode season as the main character engages in stereotypically straight activities like pledging a fraternity, lying about hookups, and playing beer pong…while also rapping along to “Super Bass” with his best friend Carmen (Wally Baram) and experiencing unrequited love with his classmate and fraternity brother Miles (Rish Shah).

His inability to live an authentic life results in the development of a toxic co-dependent relationship with Carmen, who he uses as a shield to prevent him from being perceived as queer. In the same vein, Carmen’s proximity to Benny allows her to bypass the stigma of not hooking up with someone on their first night on campus. The two, who are read by the student body as being in a relationship, are dealing with the loss of their previous selves. For them, the promise of freedom in college is frightening. Instead of acknowledging their newfound reality, the two engage in a series of self-destructive behaviors, just like any typical college student.

They are not alone in their defiance of reality. Grace (Mary Beth Barone), Benny’s older sister, experiences grave discomfort in her relationship with Peter (Adam DiMarco), the president of the most prestigious fraternity on campus. In contrast to her brother, Grace transformed her emo twihard, college radio dj persona into a blonde hair, Brandy Melville sorority girl type who exists to fulfill her boyfriend’s deep-seated insecurities at the cost of her own agency and autonomy. Peter, the son of teachers who worked at his all-boys school, sacrifices his morals in the pursuit of college fame and glory, in addition to a coveted finance job upon graduation. The show’s cast articulates what pieces of ourselves we are willing to sacrifice for comfort and security.

This is evident in the pledging rituals for Flesh & Gold, the on-campus secret society that subjects Benny and Carmen to gut-wrenching rituals, such as the ingestion of beer and beta fish or dairy-based pasta, in order to be accepted into the illustrious society. Or Carmen’s hand injuries, after a game of Edward Fortyhands at a university tailgate. In our youth, we will subject ourselves to intense violence and pain, inflict harm upon ourselves, rather than face being alone. Conformity is bliss, or at least the characters of Overcompensating thinks it is until they are forced to confront themselves.

Some of the choices the characters make under pressure are blissful, like Grace’s decision to reconnect with Mimi, one of her queer friends from the college radio station, after she dumps Peter. Some are heartfelt, like Carmen’s choice to step out of her late brother’s shadow. Some are shitty, like Benny’s rejection of his queer identity, which creates tension with the people he loves the most: Carmen, but also Sammy (Lukas Gage), his high school friend who attempted to kiss him when they were younger, and George, a confident sophomore who embraced his queer identity.

In high school, Benny called Sammy the f-slur. In college, Benny did not protect George when his fraternity members used anti-LGBTQ language and rhetoric. In day-to-day activities on campus, Benny creates a sustainable amount of distance between himself and Miles, who is disheartened because he views Benny as his only friend on campus, which only amplifies his otherness as a foreign student of color at an American university. Benny’s self-serving behavior is mostly felt by Carmen, whose needs, such as navigating the grief of losing a loved one, is often overlooked by her best friend.

Despite this, Carmen loves Benny, and Benny loves Carmen. Finding that one person who understands you is extremely important in college, even more if you’re queer. Young queer people need that lifeline of love and support, as they are experiencing intense feelings of self-induced hatred and oppression. Also, they need a friend who is unafraid to call them out on their shit, because the early days of queerness, like adolescence, are filled with immaturity and recklessness.  But unlike heterosexuality, which preaches a gospel of isolation, queerness is meant to be experienced in community. Overcompensating shows the struggles along the journey towards becoming a full-fledged queer adult and the need to remove shame.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Taylor Crumpton

Taylor Crumpton is a music, pop culture, and politics writer from Dallas. In her work—which can be found in outlets like The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Harper’s Bazaar, The Guardian, NPR, and many other platforms—Crumpton writes about a range of topics from Black Queer advocacy to the underrepresented hip-hop scenes in the southern United States to pop analysis on releases like “WAP” and “Black Is King.”

Taylor has written 3 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. Can we talk about the rampant misogyny though? “Slutslayer”? Carmen as the prototypical “cool girl” — can outdrink the boys, will take the marker from the mean sorority girl to mark up her “problem areas” herself, will come over just to give you a blowjob and expect nothing in return? I wanted this to be a critique or commentary on misogyny in college campuses, not just among boys but internalized by women, too, but there was just nothing there that actually transformed it from depiction to critique.

  2. I loved this show, but I have some serious critiques
    1. The author of this article does contrast Benny’s experience with ubiquitousness of straight sex on campus but I had a different reaction. I think it has the effect of make it seem like gay people don’t have sex, like even making out with your high school crush in the bathroom at a bar — so chaste?? Not that Benny needs to be there on his gay journey, but there are other queer characters they could have at least throne a bone to.

    2. The show uses the word dyke derogatorily (which makes sense in the moment) but then don’t give meaningful screen time to a lesbian. The only really lesbian moment is Mimi complaining about her partner. I feel like if you’re going to include the word dyke in your script you’ve got to give us a bit more positive or at least relatable representation.

  3. I really connected with the message in this article about college being a time for self-discovery. It can be overwhelming to balance finding yourself with the pressures of academics and social expectations. I’ve definitely felt that tension in my own college experience, where it seems like you’re constantly trying to prove something or figure out who you are. Sometimes, it’s helpful to turn to tools and resources to guide you through such an intense period of life. I found that truowl.com can give students advice regarding their academic studies. It’s refreshing to know that there are platforms that support you in both your studies and your growth as a person. This article is a great reminder that it’s okay to take things one step at a time and trust the process.

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Alison Bechdel Never Thought She’d Be This Successful

Alison Bechdel’s new book Spent is like nothing she’s ever done before — and it’s like everything she’s done before all at the same time. A work of auto-fiction, Spent is about a cartoonist named Alison Bechdel who is writing a book about her relationship to money during the pandemic and whose closest friends are characters last seen in Bechdel’s iconic comic strip Dykes to Watch Out For. This version of Alison lives on a goat farm with her partner Holly, has a Republican sister driving her crazy, and is frustrated with the TV show adaptation of her memoir about her taxidermist father. It’s one step away from truth and after sharing so much in three memoirs over the past two decades, that’s exactly how Bechdel likes it.

I spoke with Bechdel about her experience of oblique fame, the joy of returning to old characters, and how cis gay people of a certain age and privilege need to meet this moment.

Drew: I want to start by talking about fame. The book is interested in a lot of different types of fame and something I often think about is gay fame vs. mainstream fame. How has your relationship to fame changed over the years and what aspects of that did you want to capture in the book?

Alison: The book originated as an inquiry into the effect of money on our lives, as well as privilege or the lack thereof. Mixed in there for me is also this weird journey I’ve had from being very much an outsider in the culture to somehow crossing over and making a living doing this crazy thing that was never— something that was never, you know, a good idea if a person wanted to make a living. [laughs]

Drew: [laughs]

Alison: So that’s just been something I always muse about and wanted to play with in this book. But I somehow never really got into it, because the story and the characters kind of ran away with things.

Drew: Well, one aspect I find interesting is Alison’s partner getting internet famous. That’s such a different kind of fame than the gradual fame that an artist might build. And I don’t want to speak for you, but I imagine there’s a weirdness around the fact that to some people you’re famous as a character in a musical. And to some people you’re just famous as a name that inspired a silly test of whether a movie is feminist.

Alison: The Bechdel Test thing has definitely been a whole weird journey. That’s definitely the thing I’m most well known for among people in general, and that’s funny to me, because it wasn’t even my thing. I didn’t say, “Hey let’s use this old comic strip I did as an actual measure.”

Drew: [laughs] Right.

Alison: Somebody else did that. It was so removed from me. It was kind of odd. But I like that. It’s a good way to be famous. A kind of oblique fame. And likewise, yeah, Fun Home the book was quite successful, but what really tipped it over more into the mainstream was the musical. And I had nothing to do with making the musical! I always feel very awkward when people say, “I loved your play!” I’m always like, well it’s not my play, it’s based on my book, and blah blah blah. Nobody cares. [laughs]

Drew: [laughs]

Alison: But again it’s a kind of oblique fame. Because I’m just a character in that. Or three characters.

I don’t really get recognized out in public anymore, I think because I’m getting old and starting to not look the way I used to look. It’s an alarming stage of life. I just want to give you the heads up that it’s going to come for you too.

Drew: [laughs]

Alison: But I did go through a phase when the musical was playing on broadway where I got recognized a lot on the street. At first, you know, it was sort of gratifying. But it quickly became not so gratifying and more just annoying. I don’t know how actually famous people deal with that. I guess that’s why they have to hide.

Drew: Well, I’ll say this. As much as I love the musical and as meaningful as it was to me, Are You My Mother? was what really made me a fan of yours.

Alison: Oh!

Drew: I started flipping through it in a Barnes & Noble when I was in college and I was like oh my God there are all these things I’ve never thought about. I ended up sitting down in the store to read while scribbling notes in my little notebook and then I eventually just bought it.

Alison: That’s very touching. I love it when people like that book, because not that many people do. [laughs]

Drew: [laughs] I both love it as a book and it was important to me as like a person understanding myself and my experiences.

Alison: I’m so glad.

Drew: Okay, so you’ve obviously worked in memoir several times. What inspired the decision to make this book fiction with a character named Alison surrounded by past characters of yours?

Alison: Honestly, I intended for this book to be a memoir just like my other recent books. But when I sat down to really do the work and I realized that meant I’d have to learn something about economics and probably read Marx, I was like, ugh I can’t. And not only that but to really be honest about my own financial life… Well, that was sort of my mission. I wanted to do that, because there are so many taboos around talking about money and I wanted to dive in there. But when I started to really think about it… [laughs]

Drew: [laughs]

Alison: I didn’t totally want to go there! That’s when this whole alternate plan just popped into my head intact. Instead of writing a memoir about my relationship with money, what if I wrote about a cartoonist named Alison Bechdel who was trying to write a memoir about money? That just seemed so much more interesting. I became a lot more excited about that project. I don’t often have those moments of inspiration, of just being flooded by the muse, but this was one of them. All of a sudden I saw those old Dykes to Watch Out For characters were going to be my friends in this new auto-fictional world and it just kind of all came together really quickly.

Drew: Was it fun to revisit those characters?

Alison: It was an unmitigated joy. You know, when I stopped drawing my comic strip in 2008 — wow that was so long ago — people would often ask me if I missed my characters, if I thought about them, and I didn’t. I never did and I felt kind of guilty about that. I was relieved to not think about them after doing it for 25 years. But all of a sudden in this dire new reality that we’re living in, they seemed like the perfect people to hang out with. I caught up with them and tapped into what they might be doing. They’re doing very much what they were doing all along: fighting the good fight and doing it together. Living in their communal house, still going strong in their 60s. I just really loved spending time with them.

Drew: Is your process different book to book? Or are there consistent elements to your process?

Alison: This process was more like when I was writing my comic strip. There are two modalities. One is the comic strip and one is memoir work. For the memoirs I never knew what I was going to find. The whole point of writing the books was to go on some sort of voyage of discovery and answer certain questions about myself. And to do it by not just looking minutely at my own life, but drawing in all this other material. In Fun Home, it was all these literary sources. In Are You My Mother?, it was Winnicott and Virginia Woolf. In The Secret to Superhuman Strength, it was the transcendentalists. That was always a really fun research-oriented process that would take forever, because I never knew where anything was going. I kind of just had to wait and see.

But when I was doing my comic strip in the old days, I had a deadline. Every two weeks I had to churn out another episode of this story. And it was also very connected to the real world and what was happening in current events. So for me the comic strip was a way for me to process the world and what was going on. I have a hard time understanding the news. More so now, but it’s always been a challenge. I just don’t really track with it unless, like in the case of the comic strip, I had these characters discuss it with everyone taking slightly different views and through those conversations they kind of work out what’s happening and what we can do about it.

So for this book I was keeping a whole log of the unfolding news. Every day I’d find out the latest horror and keep track of that. And then the story itself would be tied into that moment in time. The characters would be responding to what was happening and that automatically creates some elements of story structure. But the rest of it is just me making shit up and that was really fun, because I don’t get to make anything up when I’m writing a memoir. This was a great feeling of freedom.

Drew: Obviously, there’s some Covid stuff in there. What dates were you working on this?

Alison: I started it in 2022 so in the middle of Covid. It’s hard to say when I finished, because there’s the finishing of the writing, there’s the finishing of the drawing, and it’s all different, but I basically finished it before the election last fall. I had to keep it open-ended, because I didn’t know what was going to happen. So it covers about a two-year period.

Drew: Do you write all the text and then work on the art? Or are you doing both simultaneously?

Alison: I kind of write first although I’m planning and plotting and imagining what the drawings are going to be as I write. But I try to get everything tightly written before I start the drawing, because the drawing is so much work I wouldn’t want to have to redo it if I decided to change something.

Drew: Do you write it like a conventional graphic novel script or do you have your own approach?

Alison: I kind of made up my own system a long time ago which is I write in a drawing program. I write in Adobe Illustrator. I have panel grids all set up and I can go in and start typing my story in word balloons or dialogue boxes.

Drew: I love that.

Alison: It’s like a blank page that then just gets filled in with the drawings.

Drew: That’s really cool.

Alison: Yeah! I made it up. [laughs]

Drew: [laughs]

Alison: I’m sure many other people do it too, but I stumbled upon it, because I love the freedom and flexibility of working digitally and being able to type. If I was drawing all of this by hand, it’d be so time-consuming and it’s already very time-consuming. But yeah this was the solution I discovered.

Drew: Something very present in this book and that I think is such an important part of being in community and being an artist is the ability to make fun of ourselves. When queer people are so regularly mocked by the right, how do you manage to still lovingly mock? Are you thinking about that? Or are you able to cut out those voices and just focus on your work?

Alison: It’s interesting, because when I was first starting out, it never occurred to me that anyone on the right was ever going to see what I was doing. It was purely for us and the gentle ribbing was just among us. I feel like that’s still how I write. If anything, I would like right-leaning people to read my work, because I’m always trying to convey the same thing which is that most of the queer people I know are really nice! They want to save the world! In a serious way! So I would love for a wider ranger of people to see that, but that’s not my mission. It’s entertainment for us.

Drew: When you were working on Dykes to Watch Out For, did you ever face in-community backlash? I mean, queer people can be… sensitive. I’m maybe less interested in rightwing voices than people who are so inundated with those voices that sometimes — not to generalize, but sometimes — there can be a sensitivity toward our own. Is that something you’ve experienced?

Alison: I would constantly be ruffling feathers. Not constantly. But I had some flaps over stuff which was both annoying and also really valuable. I was grateful for it, because I would learn and grow from these exchanges and then it would feed right back into the storyline as I took those discussions under advisement and sometimes changed course.

It always felt like a somewhat communal project. That was the real beauty of doing this episodic format that people could weigh in on as it went along. Inevitably that changed how it went. As I started working on these full length books all about myself, I missed that. I didn’t have that companionship.

Drew: One group that there’s a lot of humor about in this book are the Gen Z queers, and the contrast between them and their parents, specifically around polyamory. What drew you to polyamory as such a main topic for this book about money?

Alison: Yeah, I kept asking myself all through the book, what is the connection between polyamory and money? And there very much is one!

Drew: Definitely.

Alison: And young people are very aware of that. But it wasn’t immediately obvious to me. I had to sort it out.

I’ve never been polyamorous myself, but it’s a model that I have so much admiration for. I’ve been on the edges of it. Like I got involved with someone who was poly and I thought that was going to be the answer. She could have her other girlfriend and then I could have my other girlfriend: my work.

Drew: [laughs]

Alison: That didn’t work out too well. [laughs] But I love that challenge of struggling with one’s feelings of jealousy and for a brief, shining moment seeing how groundless they were. That was a really profound thing to come to understand. I just think it’s a really worthy thing to do. Also everybody is doing it or trying to do it so it made sense to include.

It was really fun to show the difference between the older people and the younger people. For the young people, I think they’re much more motivated by principle. It’s exciting for them to see a way of being in relationship that isn’t possessive and is somehow communal. But for the older people it’s more about the sex. [laughs]

Drew: (laughs) Speaking of that storyline, I want to talk about Stuart. When I first started writing for Autostraddle about six years ago, one of the first pieces I was involved in was defending Lisa the lesbian man from the original L Word. Yes, it was product of its time, maybe not perfect, but there was something about that character that felt trans woman-coded—

Alison: Wait, who is this character?

Drew: [laughs] Sorry, I’m just like, surely you remember this minor character from the first season of The L Word. Alice starts dating this man who wants to be identified with lesbianism and is like, yes, I’m a man, but I’m not straight, I’m a lesbian, and I just want to listen to Indigo Girls and I want to wear a strap-on.

Alison: Oh I never saw that.

Drew: Did you not watch The L Word?

Alison: I didn’t really. I didn’t have whatever fancy cable thing it was on.

Drew: That’s so— I mean— I guess some people would say you’re missing out, but I think at this point you’re probably okay. But yeah that was a subplot—

Alison: Was it offensive? It sounds like it was…

Drew: Oh yeah! And the Autostraddle piece was a bunch of different trans writers looking back on it and plenty of people hated it. I guess to me it showed a gender and sexuality variance that the show and mainstream media in general at the time wasn’t really engaging with. So even though it was played as a joke, there was something that felt better to me about it than some of the more official trans storylines that happen later. Maybe a joke can have more honesty to it than a certain kind of overly direct approach.

But I did think about this character when reading Stuart’s storyline in Spent. In the six years since I wrote my part of that piece, I’m more settled in my own identity and have had more time to be exhausted by the gay internet, so I’m less attached to the idea of trying to project a gender or sexuality onto a character. So with Stuart, I just felt an enjoyment in seeing the wide variety of different ways that people can be regardless of what labels they choose and what genders they have and what bodies they have. Even if Stuart is forever a cis straight man who is just drawn to this community and these ways of having sex, what do you think is gained by welcoming a wide variety of genders and experiences into dyke community? And when you were working on this book with these old characters, what was the pull to have Stuart come back and be so prominent?

Alison: As you were saying all this, I started worrying, oh my God is Stuart’s character offensive?

Drew: No! I don’t think so at all!

Alison: I love Stuart. And I’ve always had to fight the urge to make him even more prominent. Back when I was writing the comic strip, I found myself giving this straight white man the limelight, because it was just so easy to write for Stuart. He began usurping the territory of the women. He became the new Mo in a way, and once I realized that I felt bad! It wasn’t like I felt like I needed to have a man. It was just like, oh Stuart! Oh Ginger! All these people! I want to hang with you.

You know, people go on and on about this crisis of masculinity in the culture, but I’ve always had plenty of models of people being men in very positive ways. And one of those ways is Stuart.

Drew: Also, I mean, most queer women communities and friend groups have a lot of bisexual people, so cis men show up and, yeah, the good ones can hang.

Alison: Well, actually, when you asked earlier about pushback from the community, all of the ways the world of Dykes expanded in terms of gender was because of that engagement. People were like oh you need a bisexual character. I would hear those things and it was part of what made it happen.

Drew: Even now I see old work of yours shared in a pro-trans context. Like the one where the masc cis woman is called out in the bathroom instead of the trans woman.

Alison: I don’t think that’s mine?

Drew: It’s not?? It’s your characters and always credited to you…

Alison: That’s a good premise though.

Drew: Wow, okay, interesting.

Alison: I don’t think?

Drew: Wait, I need to look this up and send it to you.

Alison: I did do something for a Leslie Fienberg book… I don’t know. I’m a thousand years old. I can’t keep track anymore.

Drew: [looking up the comic strip] It’s so funny that this person on Reddit is saying this is a comic strip from the creator of the Bechdel Test.

[sends the link]

Alison: Oh yeah that is me!

Drew: [laughs]

Alison: Yes, okay, this was created for the book Transgender Warriors by Leslie Fienberg. Jillian was a character in the strip too. But wow, yeah, I totally forgot about this!

Drew: I do love that you’ve been working for so long that yeah, of course, you can’t keep track of everything you’ve done.

Alison: Yeah I hadn’t seen that in a long time.

Drew: Okay, so your fictional self in this book works on a goat farm. What’s your real-life relationship to nature?

Alison: I do live in the country — I live in the woods — but not on a farm. And it is absolutely life-sustaining for me. I have to be able to walk out of my house and into the woods or I will shrivel up and die. Nature is very much a force in the story as we go through the seasons and see the landscape change and see the animals get pregnant and have little goats. The goat thing, I don’t know, I don’t even want goats.

Drew: [laughs]

Alison: Goats are cute, but I would never in a million years get a goat. It just seems like too much work. But the idea of it is fun. And I live in this culture in Vermont where, you know, the really cool people are the farmers. It’s like this cool scene. All the cool kids have goats or sheep or cows. Something that they’re milking. So it was just a way to play around in that culture.

Drew: I’m sure it’s easier for you with your skillset to draw goats than to raise them. [laughs]

Alison: [laughs] But even so, I could’ve drawn better goats if I’d spent more time on them.

Drew: [laughs]

Alison: I wish I’d done a better job. Goats are really hard! They have those crazy eyes and can look like the devil. I couldn’t draw them accurately, because when I drew them with those eyes they just looked too evil.

Drew: That’s really funny.

Alison: I had to fudge them.

Drew: I want to talk about Alison’s sister and the guy with the truck that says Fuck Biden. There’s this tension that pops up throughout the book with people whose politics appear misaligned with their values or at least what they think are their values. How do you work through that gap either in life or your work? So many people who support politicians and legislation that hurts us don’t even seem to grasp the gravity of it.

Alison: They don’t. That’s what I wanted to show. Most of us on the left interact with at least some people somewhere who are on the right. I know I have Trump people in my family and we just don’t talk about that. I mean, I’ve tried and it just goes really badly. So what do you do with that? For me, I’m just putting out perhaps an overly optimistic view of things which is that we can somehow be civil to one another even if they are fascist lunatics. You can’t really talk to that guy with the Fuck Biden sticker, but if you do a good chainsaw sharpening video maybe you’ll connect with him that way? And then he sees your humanity.

Drew: I’m interested, in part, because I don’t have an answer myself. I’m jealous sometimes of people who seem to very easily say if people believe any of these things we should cut them out and I’m also jealous of people of people who are like no we need to talk and engage. I feel constantly in between where I’m like both of those sound like the wrong approach. So I just sort of waffle from situation to situation. It’s so pervasive. It’s daunting.

Alison: I don’t know either. In the book, I play with different ways it might happen. Like Alison with her rightwing sister. That was really fun to write, because they’re basically the same person except Alison has short hair and Sheila has long hair and, of course, Sheila lives in Pennsylvania and is very conservative. But I wanted to explore their connections as much as their differences.

Drew: That character is fictional, yeah?

Alison: Yes. [laughs]

Drew: When you’re bringing in characters you’ve invented previously, there’s this very clear delineation that they are fictional and this is fictional Alison interacting with them. Was there any hesitation with the sister character of that feeling like a different kind of self-fictionalization?

Alison: I kind of liked throwing a little confusion into the mix. I wouldn’t mind if people thought oh does Alison really have a rightwing sister? In part, because I’ve revealed so much about my life and my family over the years without really thinking about what it would be like down the road for people to know so much about me. So now I like that it sort of casts into doubt how honest I have ever been.

Drew: I loved the subtle changes like the Fun Home of this universe being about taxidermy instead of a funeral parlor. Actually, have you read Mostly Dead Things by Kristen Arnett?

Alison: No, I haven’t heard of it.

Drew: Okay, well, I highly recommend it. It’s a book about a lesbian whose dad has recently died by suicide and was a taxidermist. I think you would like it.

Alison: Oh wow!

Drew: But yeah I really liked those little tweaks to book Alison’s life.

Alison: It was really fun to play with.

Drew: The book is heavy with this desire to do something. And now that we’re in Trump’s second term, I think that desire is felt somehow even more for a lot of people. Did working on this book provide any answers for you? Did it change how you want to spend your time or your money?

Alison: I think what happens to Alison in the book happened to me as I was working on the book. Part of what I was hoping to address when it was going to be a memoir about money were the ways money inevitably corrupts you. In my case, I felt like I’d gotten very far from my youthful idealism. The more famous I got, the more money I made, it’s so easy to get insulated from real life. And isolated. I feel like I’ve gotten quite isolated in my old age and success. It’s a terrible feeling. So finding these other characters and reuniting with them reminded me that all these people are still here. The community is still here. It’s much more fragmented and different than it was when I was younger. But it’s still here and there are still people doing this work and I just have to go do it with them. That’s what we all have to do. I mean, young people have already been out there more than people my age. But the rest of us just have to hit the streets.

It feels like — I don’t want to say good timing, because it’s terrible timing, what a terrible thing to befall on this country – but if we can get our shit together and stop all this… I know this sounds very, very naive, but I really think there’s an opportunity to get back on track and save this fallen world. And that’s going to require coming together and not living in our isolated, hermetically-sealed romantic dyads, but rather to go out and connect.

Drew: Something I like in the book is that, yes, there’s Alison’s sister, and there’s the thread of communicating with people on the right, but there’s also a wide variety within the queer liberal and leftist characters. Something I think about a lot is that within queer community, there are a lot of different people with a lot of different beliefs with a lot of different approaches to those beliefs. As you were saying, it’s fractured. I love the moment when the younger characters are breaking the law to get abortion pills across state lines and their mom says she’s proud of them but also it risks her more within-the-system work to be doing that in her house. There are all these different approaches. So I like what you’re saying and I like it from the perspective of not palling around with Republicans but instead actually listening to the different perspectives on the left.

Alison: Totally. And I feel like we have not done a great job at that. As a movement, many of us have become very complacent. Gay people got their rights and then a lot of people just checked out and were like we’ll just let the trans people save themselves. No! There was so much more to do. With climate, for people of color. Whatever happened to solidarity and coalition? I feel like this is a chance to go back and do that right.

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 715 articles for us.

8 Comments

  3. Oh my god HOWWWW did I not know Alison Bechdel had a new book?! THANK YOU for making me aware! And thank you for this great interview!

  4. Thank you sooo much for asking about Stu!!!!!!
    That character meant lot to me back in ca 2005.
    Also while reading, i was shouting: yes the comic with Jillian was by you, Alison!!
    I have all DTWOF originals and revisit them ca every year or two. They aged so well, and i love all the different ways they look at different types of non-cis-ness. And they constantly grow.
    Bringing back these characters is the best thing ever, for this year.
    Thank you Autostraddlers, and thank you Allison, for all the work you gave us over 4 decades.

  5. Wonderful interview Drew!! I cant wait to read this book, Alison Bechdel is one of my all-time favourite authors and one of the first queer ones I sought out after coming out.

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