Welcome to the season finale (sob!) of American Horror Story, the show that said fuck you to the traditional cold open and kicked things off with a full tilt Stevie Nicks music video fever dream. It was glorious and it was real and we were all innocent children looking into the face of the immortal goddess.
This week’s vocab word is: BALENCIAGA! This will become clear later in the recap.
As previously mentioned, we open with Stevie Fucking Nicks singing a song called “Seven Wonders,” which blows my fucking mind.
Was this entire season scripted around Fleetwood Mac lyrics? Is this a thing we can do now? If so, stay tuned for the premiere of my unauthorized AHS spinoff The Sign, where I take all the plot points and dialogue from Swedish supergroup Ace of Base!
So anyways, back at Miss Robichaux’s Music Video Backdrop for Famed Songstresses, all the witches are studying for the Seven Wonders while Stevie Fucking Nicks sings and dances in a top hat. Misty works on her spins, Zoe levitates her bed, Madison takes a bubble bath and lights the fireplace with her mind.
Queenie lights a candle for Nan and works on her spells. Stevie Fucking Nicks finishes her song and wishes the four girls good luck on the Seven Wonders.
Also, there’s a cat running around the house. Where did she come from?
That night, Myrtle sets out a feast of caviar and blinis and talks about how Leonardo DaVinci was possibly a warlock. They discuss how it’s a last supper, as everyone will be participating in the Seven Wonders and they may not survive.
Usually the current Supreme identifies the rising Supreme, but since Fiona peaced the fuck out and tried to murder them all, they are allowing all four girls to prove themselves.
Cordelia then quotes Corinthians 13:11, the whole “when I was a child I spoke like a child” thing. Basically, the little twitches are all grown up and must put aside childish fears to kick some ass in the morning.
Morning soon comes, and the Seven Wonders begin. BTW, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that not ONE of these witches has made a Diana Ross Supremes joke. Not once. And they say “Supreme” every five seconds. OPPORTUNITY MISSED.
So the witches start with telekenesis. They each have a lit candle before them, and they must slide the candle across the table and into their hands using only their minds.
FrankenKyle is there to look concerned and buttle, I guess. Misty doubts her abilities, but Cordelia tells her to focus her intentions. Zoom! The candles in her hand! Cordelia reminds them that it’s not about desire: you either are the Supreme or you aren’t, and no amount of wanting will change that.
The rest of the witches are able to move their candlesticks so it’s on to the next wonder!
The witches demonstrate Concilium aka mind control. They face off in pairs; first up is Misty vs. Queenie. Queenie says that no one controls her mind but her… until Misty makes her slap herself in the face.
Misty is having fun until Queenie forces her to pull her own hair. They both pass the test.
Next up is Madison vs. Zoe. Madison forces FrankenKyle to drop a tray of drinks, make out with her, and lick her boot. Kinky. She also makes Zoe slap herself. Kitty got claws!
Zoe breaks Madison’s hold and beckons FrankenKyle over to her and they make out. Madison then forces FrankenKyle to strangle Zoe, and Zoe tosses him across the room yet. Madison wants to know if they’re having fun yet.
Their next test is Descensum, aka field trip to Hell! It’s easy to go to Hell, but apparently it’s very hard to leave. So Hell is a Marshall’s Home Goods? They have until sunrise to return to their bodies, or they die.
Myrtle turns a comically large hourglass and everyone begins to chant.
The witches get transported to their personal hells. For Queenie, this means the Ravenswood fried chicken joint. She’s like, been there, done that, and zaps herself back into her body. Queenie wins!
Madison wakes up from playing Liesel in NBC’s Sound of Music Live! Zing, you just got Murphied, NBC!
Zoe wakes soon after, having been stuck in a loop of FrankenKyle breaking up with her. YAWN.
Misty still hasn’t woken up. We see her nightmare is a middle school science class where she is repeatedly forced to dissect a frog and revive it. Misty is trapped and scared.
Cordelia tries desperately to help Misty and cradles her in her arms, but it’s of no use.
The hourglass runs out and Misty turns to dust like a vampire on BtVS. Cordelia is heartbroken, and I am genuinely bummed too. I was pulling for Misty for Supreme! And I was really pulling for her and Cordelia to hook up, so boo.
That’s one witch down, three to go.
After the witches take a brief break and someone Dysons up Misty, Cordelia suggests they take a moment of silence. Madison doesn’t give a shit, and Queenie calls her a stone cold bitch.
Zoe agrees with Madison; there’s nothing they can do about Misty, so they must soldier on. The next task is Transmutation, aka apparating. Zoe BAMFS behind Madison and leads the girls in a game of BAMF tag, where they zip all over the room tagging each other.
Cordelia and Myrtle tell them to knock it off and return to the test, but like Cyndi Lauper says, girls just wanna have fun! UGH, how good would Lauper be on this show?
It’s all fun and games until Zoe accidently impales herself on the fence. WHOMP WHOMP.