The Autostraddle x For Them full-time team all congregated together for the first time ever last week! The week together yielded gay bonding; two weightlifting sessions; a rather innovative round of H-O-R-S-E; a ton of brainstorming on current, future, and dream projects; and journalistic masterpieces such as 32 Fruits, Ranked By Fruits. One of the bonding activities included a group viewing of the feature film Cruel Intentions, which I hadn’t rewatched in several years and which promptly made me say out loud: “They really don’t make movies like this anymore” and “wow, that’s cinema baby.”

I think we could all be channeling a little more Cruel Intentions in our every day lives, which is to say we should all be gayer, hornier, and more evil in our every day lives.

Tired: Start your day by setting intentions.
Wired: Start your day by quoting Cruel Intentions.

This year marks the 25th anniversary of the original film, and the new Cruel Intentions television series also premieres this week (stay tuned for an officially Autostraddle review of it!), so there’s no better time to reflect on the wise words of the original than now.

Ready to absolutely freak your morning routine? Here are some affirmations* to tell yourself in the mirror right after waking up.

1. “God forbid I exude confidence and enjoy sex.”
2. “I don’t fuck losers.”
3. “I’m the only person you can’t have, and it kills you.”
4. “My advice is to sleep with as many people as possible.”
5. “I hate it when things don’t go my way. It makes me so horny.”**
6. “I wanna FUCK!”
7. “Everybody loves me, and I intend to keep it that way.”
8. “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
9. “I’m sick of sleeping with these insipid Manhattan debutantes. Nothing shocks them anymore.”
10. “However dark the cloud, there’s always a silver lining.”***
11. “Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 so I can be considered a lady? I’m the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there’s your psychoanalysis, Dr. Freud. Now tell me, are you in… or are you out?”****

*Quotes from Cruel Intentions (1999), most of which are, unsurprisingly, Kathryn lines
**One of the greatest movie lines…ever?
***An earnest affirmation out of context, but remember it’s uttered by Kathryn at Sebastian’s funeral so it also works well as an affirmation if your plan for the day is to make yourself the center of attention at someone else’s funeral
****Studies have shown that saying this to yourself every morning in the mirror when you wake up leads to a more satisfying, creatively fulfilling, and vengeful life and by studies I mean my personal experience

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