Hello Squirrel friends! Guess who?
Wrong! It’s not your regularly-scheduled Tuesday Televisionary who says things like ‘squirrel friends.’ It’s Autostraddle’s Senior Designer Extraordinaire, Alex! Hi, nice to meet you all. This week, because Carlytron is running from the law in Tijiuana, I’ve hijacked the Tuesday Televisionary — much like Robin did last week (except I don’t have a cool picture to prove it).
The truth is, I only watch The History Channel and The Food Network so I can’t actually write about teevee unless you want to hear about the lost pyramid of Egypt. So I’ve called upon the Team and Intern Army to contribute in order to make this a Tuesday Televisionary of Epic Proportions. So this was truly a collaborative effort — I really don’t know how the ‘Tron does this all on her own every week! She must really like teevee or something.
Anyway! Drum roll please!
True Blood (Sundays 9 PM, HBO)
Highlights from last week includeĀ Lafayette humping furniture and dancing around his living room, and this little gem from Jessica by way of the glamoured limo driver:Ā āBecky Eubanks is a stuck-up whore who let Jace finger her in the church!ā
This week we learned that Daphne is a shape-shifter, too, which made me sort of yawn all over myself because I really, really dislike/distrust her characterĀ YAWN I mean she canāt even wait tables at a 10-top barĀ YAWN and Sam doesnāt seem the least bit curious aboutĀ what in the world happened to her back? YAWN why am I still talking about this?
Jessica is all bored in Dallas, so she calls Hoyt back in Bon Temps and he answers the phone with,Ā āYouāre talkinā to The Man!ā I love them! They make such an adorable couple and I canāt wait for Hoytās mother to find out that heās dating a vampire.
Sookie meets another telepath, Barry, who is totally uninterested in being friends or having normal conversations or probably even cookies. Heās gone by the end of the episode. This is annoying because the addition of Barry was kind of the only interesting thing that happened to Sookie this week. Wait, that bandanna-themed dress was sort of interesting. Also, Sookie might want to look into purchasing a vibrator. She seems⦠needy.
Which brings us to Tara and the Number 1 Question on Everyoneās Mind:Ā What the hell is Maryann? This is moving along at a snailās pace! Lay your cards on the table, Giant Pig Lady. And stop screwing up Taraās life! That meltdown scene at Merlotteās was crazy-upsetting, right? Reminded me of going home for Christmas.
Godric is Ericās maker! Sarah gave Jason a handjob in the bathtub! Lafayette looked pretty in his headscarf! One of the Dallas vamps tipped off the Fellowship of the Sun! I love Jessica!
(by Laneia)
My Life on the D-List (Bravo, Mondays 1o PM)
In this weekās episode of The Kathy G. Sitcom/Variety Hour, Kathy decides that her palatial, 7-bathroom, Hollywood Hills home is feeling a bit crowded so she heads to Miami to check out real estate on the infamousĀ Star Island. Iāve personally never been to Miami and judging by the humidity effect on Kathyās naturally wavy hair Iām a bit nervous to embark on a trip anytime soon.Ā But!, Kathy BFFsĀ Rosie OāDonnell andĀ Gloria Estefan are there to help her house hunt and provide the LOLs.
This was Rosieās 3rd appearance on the D-List and she didnāt disappoint. Talking directly to the camera ā check. Mooning Kathy & Gloria as they boat up to her house ā check. Refusing to wear make-up onĀ TV – check. My favorite segment was the girlās night in, where they just shot the shit for a few minutes and Kathy talks about her past celeb hookups. In the end,Ā spoiler alert!, the owners shockingly do not accept her $1.25M cash offer on a $17 million home. Obvs all the hijinks are scripted to a certain degree but itās still more entertaining than nearly everything else on TV.
(by Intern Jess)
10 Things I Hate About You (ABC Family, Tuesdays 8 PM)
Youāre probably not watching 10 Things I Hate About You because you know that nothingāNOTHING āwill live up to the movie and you donāt want to have to throw things at your teevee. I understand completely. However, have you seenĀ Lindsey Shaw lately? Maybe you remember her fromĀ Nedās Declassified. In my professional opinion, she is the shining star of awesome in this show. Also beaming brightly is Nicholas BraunĀ (Sky High), who plays the adorkable Cameron James.
L. Shaw does a great job as Kat Stratford, with herĀ supercute scowl and feminist bad-assery. Iām undecided/unimpressed with Ethan Peck as Patrick Verona, but the poor dearās only had about 5 lines in the first two episodes, so I remain hopeful and open-minded. Obviously no one can top Heath Ledgerās Verona, but letās not dwell.
Bianca: āYouāve ruined my chances at becoming popular!ā
Kat: āIām sorry, but that girl sucks. Sheās a teenaged Kim Jong Il!ā
Bianca: āSpeakĀ ENGLISH you show-off!ā
The first two episodes are available onĀ abcfamily.com so go watch them! Episode 2 left us with what I consider to be a very exciting cliffhanger involving Mandella and Kat that I really hope ends well. And is it just me, or is Bianca more lovable here than in the movie?
(by Laneia)
Masterchef Australia (Channel 10)
The big TV event for me this week was the all-female grand finale of Masterchef Australia, in which amateur chefs Julie and Poh cooked their hearts out for $100,000 and a publishing deal. The verdict? Julieās homestyle cuisine reigned supreme. Some critics are complaining because Poh is technically a better chef than Julie. But Poh knew it, and that was her downfall. Poh was ambitious and oozed self-confidence. Julie, on the other hand, was the lovable underdog, she was humble, gracious, and slightly insecure enough to make Australia share in her tears of joy each time she succeeded in the face of adversity. I sure did. In summary, Iām happy that Julie won. Youāre all getting her cookbook for Christmas.
(by Crystal)
Intervention (A&E, Mondays 9pm)
July 13th’s intervention wasnāt so much like watching a train wreck as it was like watching someone die slowly of natural causes except by ānatural causes” I mean āalcoholism.” There were no vodka-swigging naked girls ranting about Jesus, no lost souls prostituting themselves in the Baltimore slums for heroin and no-one inhaled computer duster/walked on sunshine.
Instead, last weekās Intervention was about fifteen shots ofĀ DEPRESSING FAMILY SAGA starring middle-aged alcoholic-of-10-years Bret, his ex-wife and his two agonizingly adorable children. Kyle, Bretās cute-as-a-button nine-year-old son, was so particularly heartbreaking that this episode prompted Jezebel to askĀ āShould young people be involved in their parentsā intervention?ā Bretās personality wasnāt too memorable and he began drinking ācause of the pressure to make more money, which doesnāt hold a candle to gang rape. Actually Iām not sure how well I paid attention.
Iāve known people with fathers like Bret, which is probably why I voluntarily tuned out, I can only handle so much genuine emotion in one night.
After a lot of scenes of Bret sitting quietly in a bar drinking himself to death and listening to his children say how much they miss him, Bret storms out of his intervention and when they chase him home, tells his kids heād rather lose them than give up drinking. Apparently they convince him to go to rehab off-camera by threatening legal action.
Ultimately, Bret himself was never did anything too dramatic/ridiculous on camera (read: nothing I could make fun of afterward) until the end when after 100-something days of sobriety heĀ DIED of esophageal cancer!Ā THATāSĀ RIGHT HE FUCKING DIED!
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The moral of July 20ās episode of Intervention is āstraight people cannot handle their shitā and āAaron, your wife is hot, pay her some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.” Oh and per ushe, āaddiction is one hell of a disease.ā
Every episode we see young heterosexual addicts or about-to-be-addicts give birth (multiple times!) and get married to people whoās lives they eventually ruin because of their illness. And many of these addicts trace the start of their addiction to their parentsā divorce. Straight marriage kills, America!
AARON: One thing thatās tough about Intervention is that if you try to do other stuff at the same time, youāll miss something written on the screen and be totally lost. Good thing I didnāt miss āWhile on crystal meth, Aaron would masturbate for 10 to 12 hours.” Thatās nothing thoughāAaron has been in 1,200 pornographic films, which he got into ācause of his fighting career. Aaron is a hot hunk of man and his wife, who he met when she was also in porn films, IS SMOKINā HOT. Meanwhile Aaron is on crystal meth.
āIād like to get back into fighting ⦠but Iād much rather do crystal meth than fight.” (Aaron)
ANDREA: Andreaās pants are falling off, she drinks all day but needs a shot of Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi afterwards. Like many female interventionees, Andrea was raped as a child and her mother (have you noticed that the mothers are almost always obese on this show? Just a sidenote) did not deal with it then and is therefore taking care of her now.
THE END: Both of our lovely addicts agree to treatment. Hurrah! Andrea also gets a makeover I think and looks super-cute with her new haircut and clear skin. We’re told at the end that Aaron relapses but says heās going back to treatment, which is always a lie and also very sad. Vanessa ā call us!
(by Riese)
Next: Gimme Sugar, Weeds, The 7 PM Project, Nurse Jackie and So You Think You Can Dance …
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I may or may not have worked at one of the properties on Star Island featured in this episode of the D List. However, it’s not one of the homes featured in the clip above. If you can guess which one, you win a prize! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2Np-9ZCEVE
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And the woman at the end of Weeds told Esteban he went too far and should have killed Nancy and that all of her hope, money and time have been put into him. And then she told him to choose between HIMself and Nancy. Ohhh, scary.
omg omg omg i am watching it now!!! omg! omg! i see the house! there it is! so many familiar objects there, omg! omg!
What a wonderful Tuesday Televisionary. Good work team/intern army! Also, I just realized that I’m not caught up on Nurse Jackie. You know how I know this? Because I read the first few sentences of the recap and was totally confused. Must remedy this ASAP. Also also, I love Weeds. I’m kind of happy that Nancy and Esteban aren’t getting married now. I didn’t really like them together and while I don’t think she and Andy should be romantically involved, I love them together. BUT! What will happen with the baby? If Nancy and Esteban are over, how does that affect her future/life chances? Will she be killed? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
I always try so hard to read Televisionary Tuesday without catching any SYTYCD spoilers, but it didn’t work this week. I’m also sad that Kupono was eliminated, he’s done really well so far (in the first few eps aired in Australia) and I really liked his audition hair.
i was so sad re: kupono as well, he was my favorite boy.
I love True Blood, thank you for recapping here. Jessica rules and Maryann (Satan) is getting old…
Miami is hot as hades, I went there a month ago and had the worst bad hair weekend of my life. Worse than 8th grade before I discovered hairgel and thought that teasing curly red hair was best. I felt so uncute in Miami.
As for Intervention, I love/hate it because the people are so batshit sometimes, yet I work for a living with peeps in rehab so it’s like being at my job. I see this shit and these stories of relapse and manipulation EVERY DAY. If anyone is ever bored, let me know and I’ll send you anonymous real-life accounts of addicts and the shit that goes on. It will be cathartic for all of us…
where’s my avatar!!!???
I think the television show 10 Things I Hate About You has kind of surpassed the movie. The writing on the show is witty, smart and at times, kind of edgy for ABC Family… (“It’s like your mouth knows Kung-Fu”) Everyone should give it a try! Really enjoying it
Omg, and boy playing Patrick Verona is soooo much hotter than Heath Ledger was in the movie…no disrespect, Heath.