9 Holes in My Haunted House, Ranked by Lesbianism

I’m not a lesbian, but you know what? I sure do think lesbians are great. My partner, Sadie, is a lesbian. She’s the best. Many of the people I work with here, at this incredible queer indie media outlet are lesbians, and they are also great. You know what’s not at all okay, though? The number of holes in our house — that’s what! This isn’t the metaphorical house that is Autostraddle, no, this is the house that Sadie and I live in, and it has real (not metaphorical) holes! How’d they get there? Well, the thing is, it has to do with decisions made by the previous homeowners, but if we talk about the prior residents too much out loud, the hauntings increase in their activity. So, I’ll leave it at that.

I assure you, dear reader, my partner and I have the ability and the skill to patch these holes, to repair these holes, to fill these holes — but we don’t have the time because Autostraddle Is Fundraising.

So, from me to you, from one homo in a home just trying to have solid walls to another, I am asking: will you consider chipping in $5 or $50 so we can get to the finish line? We’re almost there and each and every dollar makes a difference. Every cent goes toward filling holes in our budget so that we can keep this space here and pay our queer team — and then I can fill the holes in my house. Will you help?

Help Us Out!

Join A+!

Explore Fundraiser Perks!

Explore UK Perks!


I hope you did help and thank you if so! Onward!

Firstly, Some Proof of Our Repair Work

Sadie’s an excellent forewoman and has one of the steadiest hands with a paintbrush you’ve ever seen. I am a beast at demo and pretty speedy with a drill — and together, we just get it done.

Why so many holes? It was the place we could afford and that’s how it works sometimes. All we need is time. But unfortunately, we at Autostraddle are understaffed, we still need to find an ad sales gay, and we are still running a fundraiser which has me working 8:30am-11pm weekdays and like, 9:30am to same on weekends, but with a lil break in the middle of the day on weekends so I don’t immediately blip out of existence. As it is with Autostraddle, so it is at home — if it’s one thing we’re in need of, it’s not skill, it’s hours in the day!

Here are some before and after pics of a particularly tricky plaster repair we refer to as: “Those corners weren’t there before.”

Before / In-Progress:

This is a photograph of a nook in Nicole's house in need of repair. Some plaster on a corner is falling off the wooden lath. The paint is patchy and there are a quite a few minor holes and cracks as well.

That wood lath’s 100+ years old and had soot coming out of it! Neat!

This is a photo of a corner in the same nook as above. It is also showing large chunks of plaster that have fallen off the lath. There are plaster washers installed up a crack in the wall. It is partially patched and repaired.

Franken-corner

A mostly patched, sanded and repaired nook. The plaster is reattached and repaired. There is visible patching everywhere and debris across a red carpet.

After:

A photograph of the nook, all painted and repaired! Sunlight streams in across an ikea chair, ottoman and side table we found in the garbage!

I would like you to know that Mya the dog has actually claimed this nook as her own and used her butt to push all the furniture against the walls, so it no longer looks this tidy.


And Now… Holes in My Haunted House, Ranked by Lesbianism

9. The Holes of Dirk

A photograph of the ceiling showing many uneven holes carelessly drilled by 'Dirk'

Ahem. See those several lines of holes? The ones that look like fucking constellations? Those were done by a man who seemed to believe in some kind of drill-to-find-stud method. These are everywhere. The man never marked a spot with a pencil and drilled just one hole for a one-hole project in his life. The worst. How do I know his name is Dirk? He wrote it on the wall behind some wood panelling in Sharpie. That took multiple coats of primer before it stopped showing through. These holes are the mark of someone who was not careful, who did not even attempt good craftsmanship, who was not thinking of our collective queer future — literally the least lesbian energy I have seen in just about anything.

8. Demure Stairway Hole

A photograph of a little hole in the wall of a stairway with a tiny bit of wooden lath with a nail in it peeking out from behind plaster.

This hole is dainty, but not in a high femme way. No, this hole is giving me straight woman energy.

7. Sapphic (?) Wall Hole

A slightly oblong hole. It's pretty small and set in a wide expanse of wall.

When you look at her from across the room, she winks! Should I read more into it?

6.  Plumbing Access Hole Revealing Hidden Cast Iron Tub

A cobweb covered plumbing access hole leading to a 100+ year old cast iron tub that is inexplicably covered.

Sarah noted that this hole had lesbian energy because of the film, Bound, which is in fact a trans classic. This is an accurate assessment!

5. [Formerly] Doorbell Chime Hole

A hole in the wall where the doorbell chimer once lived, now a hole with wires coming out of it and two boards across it.

Oh my, those wires! Some serious mxtress energy coming from this hole.

4. The Time I Was In a Hole That Led to a Whole Extra Two Feet of Ceiling Height

Nicole in a hole. Nicole's head and shoulders poke up through a hole in the second ceiling installed beneathe the original ceiling. They are wearing a lit headlamp, glasses, goggles and an N95 mask and tank top. They are a genderqueer white human with bleached hair.

Gay.

3. Railing Holes

Stamped tin wallpaper gives way to a circular moment of wear and tear in the center, with smaller holes where a railing would have been installed.

These holes are just waiting here for a railing. I will not say more.

2. This Hole Repaired by an Actual Lesbian

A look at a piece of wall above a doorway. A good chunk of plaster has fallen away revealing the lath. Two pieces of lath are a much brighter color than the other lath indicating their newness.

Sadie replaced some lath that had disintegrated. So handy! This is some peak lesbian hole business, truly.

1. This Hole That Led to the Discovery of a Hidden Staircase

This hole is much larger than the others. It is huge. There is a massive amount of plaster missing and a very large hole torn out of the lath. Behind the lath, there's darkness after two beams.

Besides the fact that this hole is clearly very daddy, this hole also has secrets to reveal. And listen, secrets — secrets in attics, secrets in staircases, century-old secrets — this is the stuff of lesbian culture.

Before climbing up into this hole, Sadie and I had wondered where the attic access was. We had never been able to find it! When we got our heads and shoulders up into this hole, we could see that across the attic, in just the space it should be, the joists were cut away, indicating the presence of a staircase, the entrance to which is sealed behind plaster in my closet.

This is funny because when I was tearing wood panelling out of this closet, I could smell a scent I know you’d recognize. The best way I can describe it is ancient grandma attic. Do you know what I’m talking about? I expected to find an access to said attic when I removed the wood panelling, but there was only plaster. I ran my hands over it and checked the corners and could not find the way through. It was so weird! Well, this hole has told us that for some reason, back when plaster was still in use (a quick Google search tells me drywall became popular in the 1940’s), they sealed this attic off completely. We have yet to cut a new access hole and to ascend the staircase, but if you want you can follow me on Insta and I will very likely post it when we do.

Also, I was right! The access to the attic should be in that closet.


There you have it. This is the top lesbian hole in our house. And Sadie and I can do nothing about ANY of these until Autostraddle reaches the conclusion of our fundraiser.

So, I implore you to please spread the word far, spread that word wide, because where else on this internet will you find lists of anything ranked by lesbianism. We love you, and we want you to know that even $1 helps. And if you can’t support, that is okay. Autostraddle is majority free-to-read because we don’t think you should have to have money to read us. We want to be here for everyone who needs this queer space, and your gift helps pay that forward. Thank you for anything you can do.

Help Us Out!

Join A+!

Explore Fundraiser Perks!

Explore UK Perks!


Before you go! It takes funding to keep this publication by and for queer women and trans people of all genders running every day. And A+ members keep the majority of our site free for everyone. Still, 99.9% of our readers are not members. A+ membership starts at just $4/month. If you're able to, will you join A+ and keep Autostraddle here and working for everyone?

Join A+

nknhall

Nicole has written 52 articles for us.

22 Comments

  1. Oh. My. God.

    I am both terrified of your house (I was the one never going into the basement on the horror character quiz) and incredibly impressed by your skills!

    That before and after photo is insane. And while I would never venture into an unknown hole, you got rid of a drop ceiling and gained some attic space (sort of). Amazing.

  2. Nicole! If I hadn’t already given twice this fundraiser, this would for sure inspire me to donate.

    And I am definitely on team “they probably walled up the stairs to the attic for a reason, so yeah, don’t go up there without doing a cleansing or something”.

Contribute to the conversation...

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!